Quiet In The Passive Aggressive Household

The BF’s son is at his mother’s, my kids have left, and it’s just the two of us until Sunday, at least. Needless to say, after all the activity it’s very quiet in the passive aggressive household today.

Needless to say not another thing has been mentioned by the passive aggressive boyfriend regarding his long time secret. In fact after I mentioned it the second time, I guess he thinks that’s all there is because ever since then he’s acted like it never happened.

I didn’t mention it to my kids while they were here before Christmas because I didn’t want things to be awkward. The day after Christmas they all took me out for my birthday, and I told them the BF was still married then. Of course they asked for details, etc. but then I was rather surprised at how non-plussed they were. They asked what I was going to do next, but they really felt like it was not really that big a deal. It was like “so they just never got to the paperwork. No biggie.”
It’s hard to believe that 2 of these 3 kids didn’t even like him for a long time when we first got together. LOL

In the meantime, over the holidays I had to take back a mobile home that I had sold on an installment contract 5 yrs. ago. The guy had quit making payments, and has done nothing but basically ruin my life for the last 3 out of the 5 yrs. For some reason about 2 yrs. into the contract he felt I should just give him the mobile, that he shouldn’t have to pay interest on the loan, etc. It’s been a mess. I held an auction, no one bid, so it reverts back to me. I am currently waiting for him to get out. In the meantime, while he’s moving out, he is completely gutting the place. It’s a wreck. He’s ripped out all the carpet, and anything else he can as far as I can tell. I haven’t been inside yet, but just from what I could see, I have a mess on my hands. I had already decided we were going to move back into it. I love the location and we will save a fortune in rent compared to the place we’re in now. I never dreamt that he would destroy it. I should have known. He’s the biggest narcissistic sociopath I have ever come across.

When I started this blog about my passive aggressive boyfriend, I stated that I stay for convenience. That even though I’m not getting the sex, love and affection I need, I don’t have time in my life to pursue anything else. He is helpful at times, especially in the past with my mother, and he’s put up with a lot that no other man would have over the last 11 yrs. I am cleaning up old loose ends, getting a couple of businesses going, and I don’t want to have to worry about anything else.

I have decided that even in light of this new found knowledge about him still being married, I am going to go on with things as they have been, for now. This is because it’s easiest for me. It has nothing to do with how he acts, what I feel or don’t feel for him, etc. It has to do with the fact he really doesn’t put demands on me and I could use the help to get moved, do repairs, etc. It’s not a matter of any great love-loss here as much as it is having someone to help share the burden of this next step in my life. I could never do what needs to be done by myself. I’ll worry about the other stuff later.

In the meantime, thank you all for your support and for being here for me. It really means a lot to me, and helps me keep things in perspective. Please feel free to say whatever you have to say. I think about each comment.

How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this game, the answer is “I don’t know Ladybeams, how deceitful can a passive aggressive be?” My answer is…”Pretty damn deceitful”.

For those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning, I’ve always said that even tho my passive aggressive BF was a passive aggressive, the one thing he had going for him was I could trust him. He was honest and did have integrity. I wasn’t worried about him cheating, etc like a lot of the stories I get here.

Boy was I wrong! We have been together, engaged since shortly after we got together, for 11 yrs. going on 12. I just found out a few nights ago that he is still married to what I thought was his ex-wife. Merry Christmas to me! LOL

Here all this time I thought we were having times like Thanksgiving etc. with his kids and ex-wife. It turns out he was having those times with his wife and his girlfriend! How do you keep a secret like that for so friggin’ long? I’m just incredulous!

The person that accidentally spilled the beans says “Oh they don’t feel like they’re married, blah, blah” like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Ha, ha. Of course I had to ask him about it. He did nothing, said nothing, but hung his head like the usual passive aggressive who gets caught at something stupid. Do to timing, etc. I let him know that it wasn’t over. Then today I mentioned that fact that he thought so little of me, not only could he not come up with something to say for himself, but he thought so little of me he didn’t even bother to apologize.

Head hung low, he says he thought of nothing else for the last 24 hours about how terrible of a person he was. I let him know he was right. I did not do the usual “you are not a bad person”. I said yes, you are.

We have basically only been roommates for a long time as it is, so I’m not really sure what I’m going to end up doing about this, other than make him squirm, but I will deal with it after I truly get done processing it, which I haven’t got there yet.

Ho Ho This, You Passive Aggressive

Thank God for radio stations that play nothing but Christmas music for a couple of weeks before Christmas. Thank you to the TV stations that play all the sappy Christmas movies. From all of us that need to be reminded on a continual basis that it’s ’tis the season’ I thank you. LOL. Cuz otherwise you would never know it’s almost Christmas at our house.

2 out of 3 of my kids are due here Wed. The oldest is driving up Christmas morning so she can be here for a few extra days after Christmas (the day after being my birthday =)). All the Christmas decorations are still out in the garage, except for the glasses and mugs I brought in. The outside lights are still laying by the front door, which is where I think they’ve been since I brought them home in June. LOL. Of course now it’s raining, and who wants to hang lights in the rain? I should have mentioned it to him sooner. I guess the day after Thanksgiving wasn’t enough notice. LOL. That’s the one thing I don’t just do myself.

The windows in the only car that’s running fell off their tracks and don’t work. When one of the windows was working, I didn’t nag much about fixing the other one. When they both don’t work, I feel like I’m suffocating. It finally got fixed today, rain or no rain, because yesterday on the passive aggressive BF’s way to work, the passenger side window fell down inside the door. He had to travel the rest of the way to a job about 30 miles away, and all the way home last night in the cold and the rain with no glass in the hole. We covered it last night to protect it, and when there was a break in the weather today he was out there fixing it. No more excuses on this one. LOL.

Hope all of you that celebrate what ever it is you celebrate, are having an enjoyable season. The one thing I haven’t had to deal with is Christmas shoppers. I pick my battles. LOL. I do most from my computer and the rest I am very careful what hours I pick to go where. It’s funny. With as high as unemployment is in this country, shopping shouldn’t be a problem. I’m glad to see so many people are getting along ok.

Would love to hear how things are going for you. I know even under the best of circumstances this time of year brings along a bit of stress. OK everyone, take a deep breath, and go for it! LOL

Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior #602

Hey everyone! Sorry I’ve been sort of MIA (missing in action) lately. As soon as I told a friend one of my goals was to keep up better with the blog, it was like the whole world says “No you don’t”. LOL. I hope this finds you all well and looking forward to at least some part of the holiday season, no matter what it is you celebrate.

Just doing some quick updates here on what’s been going on in my little passive aggressive corner of the world. Rather random, but that’s how life is sometimes. LOL.

For those of you who know my mother is in the hospital, or knew she was, she’s still in there. We’re in month 5 now. We are making definite progress though, so that’s a good thing. It looks like they will be moving her shortly to a convalescent home for more extensive rehab soon. When I went to check out the facility, we talked about what the goals were, etc. regarding my mother’s health. They were all sweet talk and acting like they cared on what I thought about the facility. Come to find out they tell the doctor a whole different story. They should have just told me when I was there! Example #1.

My sister has been to visit “our” mother once since she left to go visit her daughter and their new baby the first week of Aug. I’m not exactly sure what happened, except that while my mother was unconscious in ICU, my sister thought she might die, so she visited. Once my mother looked like she was going to make it, I guess my sister wasn’t interested anymore. She visited one time since my mother has been awake, and I think that was just because she probably had a doctor’s visit next door at the medical center. She hasn’t called for any updates, and I never heard from her at all during Thanksgiving. Oh wait, I think the status “Happy Turkey day to you!!!” on her profile page might have been meant for me. LOL.

I especially love how when I run into her in public, it’s like we’re long-lost friends and she loves me so much, and she’s so happy to see me. When she’s talked to a few friends and one of my children, who happen to be quite loyal to me, she has nothing but the foulest of things to say. If it’s someone she knows is a good friend of mine, she’ll ask them if she’s heard from me. How am I? LOL. Crazy.

Next up. This really falls more into the “If I knew then what I know now” category. Since starting this blog I have learned a lot (thanks to all of you) about Narcissism, Border line personality, etc.

Five yrs. ago I sold my mobile home to a man on an installment contract. I thought at the time it was a “win-win” situation. Boy, did he talk a good game, but I saw some flags. If I hadn’t been so desperate to get out from under the space rent at the time, I probably would have called the whole deal off. Listen to your gut, people!

This guy has turned out to be the most Narcissistic Sociopath I have ever met in my life. Well, excluding the father of my children. For the last 3 yrs. at least, this man has caused me nothing but grief. Our contract is about to come to an end, thank you God.

So part of the reason I haven’t been here so much in the last week or so is because I am having to foreclose on him for non-payment. I can’t afford a lawyer (although I do have the best one for mobile homes for advice) so I’m having to do a lot of research to take care of it myself. Usually when I hit him with a Notice of Default, he then makes a payment. This time he didn’t. He already cost me my home of 17 yrs. by not paying when he knew I needed it the most, but now he’s almost gotten me evicted from where we are renting. Luckily, my landlord has been very patient, and I have been very honest with him about what’s going on. The guy at the mobile home doesn’t realize when I serve him with a Notice of Sale tomorrow, he only has 10 days to fix everything.

It would be one thing if he had a problem with money, the economy, etc., but I know that’s not the case. He does most everything by cash (getting paid) and he always has thousands on hand, plus since we started this contract, I know he’s received some kind of settlement. So we’ll see what happens next. I would be perfectly happy to move back to the mobile and be rid of him forever, but I don’t see that happening quite yet.

A true picture of passive aggressiveness. I went to court today against a credit card company for illegal practices. Now, really, if you look at it, talk about passive aggressive. They offer you credit. Pretend to be your friend if you’re having a problem, and then attack figuring most people won’t fight back because they are so big. Well they were wrong on this Chickie, and I got my day in court today, and won.

This has become so long, I’m skipping the BF tonite. I’m telling you, passive aggressives walk amongst us. LOL

Passive Aggressive’s Aren’t All Bad. LOL.

Okay, so I harp on how much my passive aggressive annoys me, etc. so I am going to take this one time to say that this passive aggressive isn’t all bad. I’ve learned there are 2 things that work for him, sports and cooking.

I have to say a special “Thank you” to him for saving my butt yesterday and it turned out to be absolutely great. Wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t taken some initiative.

We were going to his kid’s for Thanksgiving, but before we went I had promised dressing for the church Thanksgiving dinner. I ended up having to go to the store (I had forgotten butter) and it took longer than expected. By the time I got home he had all the veggies cut and the broth going for the stuffing. I gave him the margarine, he told me to go get my shower, and by the time I was out he had it all done.

Now mind you, I didn’t expect him to do anything. I would have been really pissed if he hadn’t, but I didn’t expect it.

So, just for yesterday, or today, for all my griping and complaining, once again the passive aggressive saved my butt for the holiday dinner. You can always tell if you hit on something they like, which he loves to cook and all the kudos that go with it. Passive aggressive’s aren’t all bad.

(Don’t worry. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow. lol)

Another Holiday Season With The Passive Aggressive

Here we go. Hold on, its likely to be a bumpy ride. LOL. Here we are into another holiday season with our passive aggressive partners. For those of you who have been strong and smart enough to get out of the situation, you can just “remember when” and be thankful you don’t have to deal with the crap this year. LOL.

Okay everybody, exercise #1- Take a deep breath. In with the good air through the nose, out with the bad air through the mouth. Repeat.

From past performance we already know that whatever we do to make this Thanksgiving nice, given the opportunity the passive aggressive will do what ever they can to thwart our efforts. Being forewarned is being forearmed.

This holiday season our main focus is self-preservation instead of trying to please the passive aggressive. We already know pleasing is almost impossible, but we can take care and please ourselves. First and foremost rule, don’t give the passive aggressive any responsibility that if they should ‘forget’ or screw it up, can have any great impact one way or another on your day.

One thing to understand is by doing everything ourselves, or if you’re having company letting someone bring a dish, etc. it’s not that we’re letting the passive aggressive get away with anything. It is a way for us to have complete control and lessen the odds that we are going to have our day ruined and end up being very upset.

For instance, don’t ask the passive aggressive to pick up the turkey unless you want to take the chance that you won’t have one. Don’t ask him to take it out of the freezer unless you want to try to cook it frozen Thanksgiving Day.

If you’re having company and you ask him or her to do a few things around the house, don’t let it upset you if they don’t get done. You and I both know odds are they won’t. Go into everything you ask the passive aggressive to do with that frame of mind. Ask yourself, ‘now if he/she doesn’t do this, is it important enough to me that I’m going to get really upset?” If the answer is yes, either do it yourself or hire someone to get it done. If it’s not that big of deal, say the lawn doesn’t get mowed or the yard doesn’t get cleaned up, then just make the normal excuses like “Yeah, excuse the yard. I asked him to clean it up but he couldn’t un-glue his butt from the couch during football” or something like that. When dealing with the PA you really have to “pick your battles” so to speak.

This is part of keeping your sanity. If your passive aggressive continually ruins your holidays, and you let the same thing go on year after year, you really only have yourself to blame. I know that sounds harsh, but really, if you get your hand burned on the stove, you don’t keep putting it on there over and over again. Why keep beating your head against the wall?

And if you feel yourself starting to get stressed out because it’s turning into another one of those holidays with the passive aggressive, go back to exercise #1.

Just a Quicky (what I wouldn’t give…LOL)

Just kidding. I just wanted to make a quick note to everyone. Sorry for being so irresponsible the last week and am approving and answering comments now. I will post again probably tomorrow if I don’t do it tonite. Time, days, week, got away from me. I’m still here! I love you all so much. Life just got temporarily in the way. Thanks for your patience.
Ladybeams

The Passive Aggressive Covertly Rebels

He doesn’t tell me that he resents the hell out of me because I work from home, but he is a passive aggressive that is covertly rebelling. LOL.

I don’t know how many of you have had teenagers, but when they rebel, it’s pretty open and you deal with it. When a passive aggressive rebels it’s very covertly, and you either miss it or you figure out how to deal with it as it comes. My passive aggressive, I just let him know I’m on to him.

We have a deal, so to speak. First off, he’s the one that let me know when he first moved in with me, taking out the trash was a “man” thing. Ok. I was raised like that. Except the last several years has been a “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll get in the morning” sleep through the morning, I take out the trash. Then it’s “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll take it out in the morning” “Yeah, but you don’t get up in the morning so maybe you should put it out tonite”. Sigh, sulk, do it. Or…not do it and the famous passive aggressive “Oh I forgot. I’m such an idiot” (head hanging low thing).

Since the passive aggressive BF has been working, there has been basically an unspoken rule that when he’s off on the weekends he cooks and does the dishes, and I work. This last weekend I guess he decided he didn’t like that arrangement. I did all the grocery shopping and said about it would be great if he cooked blah, blah, blah. All he had to do was cook and it’s in a crockpot, so it’s not that tough. Evidently he didn’t appreciate cooking Saturday nite because the dishes stayed in the sink from Saturday, Sunday until I did them Monday morning. I had put all the food away, emptied the dish drain, etc. All he had to do was the little bit of dishes and cook Sunday nite, which he usually does. Evidently that was too much.

I would rather he just bitched at me so I could respond instead of this stupid, passive aggressive stuff. I treat him as if he works his butt off all week and he takes first priority over everything. The truth is he barely works part time and he has plenty of time off, so you would think the weekend wouldn’t kill him!

God forbid we should interrupt football for chores. By the way, my rear view mirror is hanging from the windshield absolutely useless, (he usually fixes it) because the passive aggressive covertly rebels.

Friends and Your Passive Aggressive Relationship

I don’t know how many of you read the post I did regarding “A Passive Aggressive Victim’s Bio”which mentioned JMarie’s new book “My Life, My Understanding”, but she has left many, very good comments here on the blog. I have asked her if I could re-post for all of us one of her last comments that had a few, very interesting questions to ponder regarding mutual friends and our passive aggressive relationship. She gave me permission, so here we go.

Some friends or aquaintances will not want to be involved with your problems (and that is their right). Some will steer clear, or become very superficial in their dealings with you, and some will judge and tell you their opinion. That’s fine. It’s their opinion, but it comes from their beliefs..not yours. If they don’t want to understand the problem, how can they judge it?

A few question to all the readers…

1. When you began your journey of understanding about Passive Aggressiveness in your partner and your own involvement with it; even your own contribution to the problem, why you felt the way you do (all the hurts, confusion, anger,and crazy-making)…, and you tried to explain it to your friends or family…How were you acknowledged by them?…Or how did they acknowledge the problem?

2. If you had relationships with friends together with your PA partner, how were you acknowledged from those friends when you tried to talk to them about your problem?…….

Did they believe you?

Did they see the Passive Agressive in the way you expressed to them? Was their vision different from yours?
or…
Were you ignored? told it would all be fine, or that you were crazy?

Did they want to support you– ie: Offer to talk – anytime, a place to stay, go out to a movie or lunch with you, etc…?

Did they want to listen to you and try to understand by asking questions?

Did they invalidate you and tell you to “get over it?”

I could ask many more questions, but it would be interesting to hear some of your answers. I know that what other people feel about you is theirs to deal with, and if they don’t tell you how they feel about it all, you are just guessing at what they feel—

There is a time of insecurity in all this Passive Aggressive relationship struggle that we all face that would be best addressed with examples; due to all the advice out there that says to “build your own support network”.

Just another way to learn from others…….
Jmarie

So there you go. I know I have received many comments regarding how mutual friends turn on you, or how a lot of us keep silent because we know our friends would never “get it”. Some are just embarrassed to admit to friends what is truly going on. What has been your experience regarding mutual friends and your passive aggressive relationship? Thank you JMarie.

I Saw This Posted-

Just thought I would share. Just a little note against domestic violence.

While you scream at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could whisper in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, & insult her, there’s a man flirting with her & reminding her how beautiful she is. While you hurt her, there’s a man wishing he could take her pain away. While you…make your woman cry, there’s a man stealing smiles from her………!!!