I Did It! Married the Passive Aggressive…

passive aggressive cake topperI did it! In May I married the passive aggressive boyfriend. That’s right. Totally against my own advice (you can call me hypocrite now).

I still think if you’re younger, younger with impressionable children, or older but only have yourself to worry about, if you can, you should head for the hills once you realize that you have tied yourself up with a passive aggressive. I went against my own advice because:

I have been with this man for 16 yrs. and he’s not going anywhere. Even though most of that time we have had my mother living with us, and occasionally at least one of his or my kids, I’m sure that wasn’t what he had in mind when we got together.

He also isn’t doing all that well health-wise, which is another reason like I feel I can’t just throw him out and leave him to his own devices.

Obviously, I care about him, and in a lot of ways he’s been very patient with me. If I was going to get rid of him, I should have done it a long time ago. We’re both in our 60’s now, and I felt like it was time we made it legal.

With all that being said, you don’t have to settle. No one is holding a gun to my head. Even though I would have it a little rough financially if he was gone, I feel I’m resourceful enough, I would get by fine. Sooooo, if you are in a position where you can gather all your strength together and get out of a miserable situation, do it. If I had done it years ago, and I had many opportunities where I should have and didn’t, my whole life may be a lot different now.

13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

celebrating our anniversary

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

Problem Solving With The Passive Aggressive

Problem solving with the passive aggressive, their answer? Wait long enough someone or something else will take care of it.

I just realized looking at my posting, it seems my life has so gotten in the way that I’ve only been posting about once a month lately, although I have approved comments and made some comments of my own more often than that. I cannot believe how life just passes one by so fast, and so much time I can never get back.

Hear that people? Every day that you spend being miserable is a day you will never get back! Scary thought isn’t it? Especially when you think about the fact that we all have an “expiration date” even if we don’t know when it is. What would you do if the date on the bottom of your foot was, oh let’s say, 9/15/2011 (because we know almost everything is the first, the middle, or the end of the month. LOL)?

Okay, so on with what I was here to talk about. (I am still here, lurking in the shadows, paying attention. Oh, wait a minute, that sounds kind of creepy. LOL)

For those of you who had read my post about “How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?” about my passive aggressive boyfriend not telling me for 11 yrs. that he was still married, that problem has been solved.

I wish I could say by him, but that’s not the case. He, in his typical passive aggressive behavior fashion, never did a thing to set things right after I found out the truth. Unfortunately, his wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s at a memorial for her today. I say unfortunately because I actually liked her. I knew her before I knew he and her even knew each other, let alone had been married. I would have gone also, but I have a lady I watch out for that was expected home from the hospital today, and I have my mother here with me, which I could not leave for that extended length of time. One of the reasons they had split was because she had cheated on him, amongst other things. I have since learned a couple of other females he had been very involved with had left also. While anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows I don’t condone cheating, with “walking in her shoes” I do understand it.

He has told his kids he needs a copy of the death certificate. My curiosity has me wondering what he plans to do with it. I am surprised he even thought enough to do that. As you all know, the passive aggressive doesn’t usually think that far ahead.

Now, where do I stand? Do I want to marry him if he should be dumb enough to ask? The answer would be an obvious “no”. It’s too late now. He should have married me before I put the “I can see you’re very passive aggressive” glasses on. LOL. (The rose-colored ones wore out).

But, at the same time, I’m having a hard time because I’ve been “living in sin” for 11 yrs. At the same time, we don’t have sex, rarely even sleep in the same bed, so is that the same as really “living in sin”? I’ve told him and you how we’re really just roommates. (If you live with someone and you’re not married, I am not against that. I am not judging anyone here. This is my own thing). Who would really be dumb enough to actually marry a passive aggressive when they know that’s what they are? NOT! LOL.

So we go on as we are, until things are situated and he can go his way and I can go mine. Like many of you who feel trapped by finances, etc. I understand completely, but he does know, or at least I’ve told him, once things are taken care of, we’re done. In the meantime he buries his proverbial passive aggressive head in the sand as if everything is just fine.

What worries me is there are a couple of things I have to count on him for, so will he make excuses because he knows that? Or will he try harder hoping to make up for the passive aggressive behavior in the past? So far it’s not looking so good. LOL

The Life And Times With A Passive Aggressive

Remember when you were younger and you were planning out your life? You knew what the guy would be like that you were going to marry. You had the wedding all planned long before you met the groom. If you are a man reading this, you probably didn’t look at girls as “wife material” until a little later in life, like adolescents, or after sports in school, etc. We all had an idea of what we would and would not put up with.

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

Enter the Passive Aggressive Employee…

There’s some good news about having to move. The Passive aggressive BF will be able to stay with the same company he’s with now (if that’s good news). They are actually thrilled that he’s moving to where we are going and looking to give him more hours and more responsibility. That’s good news to me because he is making less than 1/5th of what he was making on unemployment, which was not quite 1/2 of what he was making when he was working in high tech. Needless to say we keep sliding downhill.

I am noticing little passive aggressive changes in his behavior toward his job. When he has to go to someone’s home, this company is like the telephone company and gives the customer a 4 hour window, between 8-noon, or between 1-5. If I am the customer, I’m one of those that wants the workman to show up as early as possible so I can get on with my day. Lately, the passive aggressive employee seems to think he doesn’t need to show up until at least 9. He used to call the customer the night before and verify the time, but he quit doing that. Now when I mention calling first, he acts like I’m nuts.

There are other little subtleties also, like wearing jeans instead of the uniform pants they made him buy. He seems to feel because he got away with that a couple of times in a warehouse, that that is perfectly fine all the time now. I know this seems like small stuff, but it all ads up.

Thank goodness that he’s reliable enough and works alone most of the time, that he may just get away with some of his antics. I can see though, he is slowly but surely “self-sabotaging“. Thus, the transition for being glad at his age to get a job, to the passive aggressive employee.

How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this game, the answer is “I don’t know Ladybeams, how deceitful can a passive aggressive be?” My answer is…”Pretty damn deceitful”.

For those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning, I’ve always said that even tho my passive aggressive BF was a passive aggressive, the one thing he had going for him was I could trust him. He was honest and did have integrity. I wasn’t worried about him cheating, etc like a lot of the stories I get here.

Boy was I wrong! We have been together, engaged since shortly after we got together, for 11 yrs. going on 12. I just found out a few nights ago that he is still married to what I thought was his ex-wife. Merry Christmas to me! LOL

Here all this time I thought we were having times like Thanksgiving etc. with his kids and ex-wife. It turns out he was having those times with his wife and his girlfriend! How do you keep a secret like that for so friggin’ long? I’m just incredulous!

The person that accidentally spilled the beans says “Oh they don’t feel like they’re married, blah, blah” like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Ha, ha. Of course I had to ask him about it. He did nothing, said nothing, but hung his head like the usual passive aggressive who gets caught at something stupid. Do to timing, etc. I let him know that it wasn’t over. Then today I mentioned that fact that he thought so little of me, not only could he not come up with something to say for himself, but he thought so little of me he didn’t even bother to apologize.

Head hung low, he says he thought of nothing else for the last 24 hours about how terrible of a person he was. I let him know he was right. I did not do the usual “you are not a bad person”. I said yes, you are.

We have basically only been roommates for a long time as it is, so I’m not really sure what I’m going to end up doing about this, other than make him squirm, but I will deal with it after I truly get done processing it, which I haven’t got there yet.

Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20’s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?