Passive Aggressive Quest For Freedom!

OMGosh! Time has flown by so fast and I have been so involved (in myself I’m sorry to say) that I cannot believe how long it’s been since I put up a new post. I will confess that I have been very focused on getting things squared away here, so I have been neglectful in other areas. I am almost caught up, plus a friend of mine is hell bent on putting together a schedule for himself, and including me and a schedule for myself, so…

In the meantime…I am living in 110-115 degree weather and trying to keep my indoor-outdoor cat in the house because he could have a “kitty stroke”. So what does the passive aggressive boyfriend do? Talk to me through the sliding glass door when I’m outside, and act totally surprised when he lets the cat out. He is smart enough to know that if the cat dies, he’s next. LOL. So much for that passive aggressive tendency.

I have found a new church home down here. It took awhile, but I think I’m ready to plug in and get going on something outside of cyberspace that’s outside of me. Of course the passive aggressive boyfriend won’t be part of it, but I don’t care. He says he doesn’t believe and after all these years I’m still not sure if that’s a bunch of BS or he really doesn’t believe, but that’s his problem. In the meantime I’m finally starting to make new friends which will definitely help with a new life.

The passive aggressive boyfriend has been a little friendly lately. It’s been a couple of years since we’ve had any “intimacy” (sex) so I think he’s finally getting a little tired of “amusing” himself. I don’t think he realizes that this passive aggressive “used to be” victim isn’t the same female he got together with years ago. Oh well. I’m just wondering now when to have “the talk”. I think it’s time he understood exactly where we stand.

Now, the real shocker, what I’ve been thinking about lately as I prepare my life to have no crap. I’m thinking I’m 57 yrs. old with a 64 yr. old passive aggressive. I’m thinking I still have a whole life ahead of me, BUT, right now the last man I was married to was a Canadian. I cannot collect Social Security here. I am actually considering marrying the passive aggressive because 1) if anything happens to him medically, I’m the only one that knows anything about him and his sons are going to be asking me anyway 2)I can collect his social security if any thing happens to him. I think after being involved with the passive aggressive for the last 12 yrs., I’ve earned it. LOL. Haven’t really decided either way yet.

What would you say? If I really believe there is life after the passive aggressive, then do I really need to go there?


Are 40 Million Americans Passive Aggressive?

broken hearts

Thanks to

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

  1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
  2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
  3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80’s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

The Life And Times With A Passive Aggressive

Remember when you were younger and you were planning out your life? You knew what the guy would be like that you were going to marry. You had the wedding all planned long before you met the groom. If you are a man reading this, you probably didn’t look at girls as “wife material” until a little later in life, like adolescents, or after sports in school, etc. We all had an idea of what we would and would not put up with.

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

What Does a Passive Aggressive Do When You Say…

What does a passive aggressive do when you say “I think we are headed in separate directions. We might want to start thinking about going our separate ways”.

Well, I’ll tell you, at least in my case they don’t do much. LOL. I don’t remember what it was that actually got me to that point a couple of weeks ago, but that is what I said. I had had it. I didn’t care what kind of position it put me in. I was done.

The next day things went sort of as usual. A little colder maybe, if that’s possible when you’re living with a passive aggressive, but things didn’t really change. The earth didn’t stop revolving on it’s axis because I had said this, and now 2 weeks later I can’t even remember what brought it about.

What’s funny is that was sort of like throwing “divorce” in someone’s face if you’re married, which we aren’t. I learned through the years that I don’t threaten lightly as it undermines the security of the relationship. When I say we might think about going different ways, and with all the reasons I have for saying that, I can’t believe today I cannot remember why I said it nor can I tell anything is different than it ever was. If you are wanting your passive aggressive to take you seriously, you need to do better than that! No wonder he never hears me!

On a different note, we all know how it is to go without sex when you’re involved with a passive aggressive. The other day on TV it hits the news about these two getting caught having sex at work. The passive aggressive BF says “At work?”

I made a crack about “Yeah, some people actually still enjoy sex, wherever they are”.

I could have bet money because I said that he would make an attempt that night. You know how some people are with their egos.

Sure enough, a little bit into the evening, he hugs me and tells me how ‘special’ I am, how he ‘loves’ me, and what a great person I am. I knew something was off track then. Later that night as he bends down to tell me he’s going to bed, he tells me he’s going to bed naked and I could join him there if I would like to.

OK, so let me get this straight. First I said something that damaged the male ego. Then you started drinking a little earlier than usual. And now by the time you stumble over to kiss me goodnight, I should be anxious to jump into bed with you. I don’t think so.

Needless to say, I stayed up and watched my TV program, which under normal circumstances I would say makes me a bad wife (watching the Good Wife, by the way). As I told him the next morning, had nothing to do with rejecting him. 1) Don’t wait for me to make a crack about sex before having sex with me ever crosses your mind 2) if you have to get that drunk to make love to me, don’t bother.

So, in the meantime, LOL, I like many of you, wait for the perfect time to get out. The time will come. I just don’t want to be like those women that say they have been here 20, 30 years, and hopefully this blog will help those that don’t want to wait as many years as I have.

Quiet In The Passive Aggressive Household

The BF’s son is at his mother’s, my kids have left, and it’s just the two of us until Sunday, at least. Needless to say, after all the activity it’s very quiet in the passive aggressive household today.

Needless to say not another thing has been mentioned by the passive aggressive boyfriend regarding his long time secret. In fact after I mentioned it the second time, I guess he thinks that’s all there is because ever since then he’s acted like it never happened.

I didn’t mention it to my kids while they were here before Christmas because I didn’t want things to be awkward. The day after Christmas they all took me out for my birthday, and I told them the BF was still married then. Of course they asked for details, etc. but then I was rather surprised at how non-plussed they were. They asked what I was going to do next, but they really felt like it was not really that big a deal. It was like “so they just never got to the paperwork. No biggie.”
It’s hard to believe that 2 of these 3 kids didn’t even like him for a long time when we first got together. LOL

In the meantime, over the holidays I had to take back a mobile home that I had sold on an installment contract 5 yrs. ago. The guy had quit making payments, and has done nothing but basically ruin my life for the last 3 out of the 5 yrs. For some reason about 2 yrs. into the contract he felt I should just give him the mobile, that he shouldn’t have to pay interest on the loan, etc. It’s been a mess. I held an auction, no one bid, so it reverts back to me. I am currently waiting for him to get out. In the meantime, while he’s moving out, he is completely gutting the place. It’s a wreck. He’s ripped out all the carpet, and anything else he can as far as I can tell. I haven’t been inside yet, but just from what I could see, I have a mess on my hands. I had already decided we were going to move back into it. I love the location and we will save a fortune in rent compared to the place we’re in now. I never dreamt that he would destroy it. I should have known. He’s the biggest narcissistic sociopath I have ever come across.

When I started this blog about my passive aggressive boyfriend, I stated that I stay for convenience. That even though I’m not getting the sex, love and affection I need, I don’t have time in my life to pursue anything else. He is helpful at times, especially in the past with my mother, and he’s put up with a lot that no other man would have over the last 11 yrs. I am cleaning up old loose ends, getting a couple of businesses going, and I don’t want to have to worry about anything else.

I have decided that even in light of this new found knowledge about him still being married, I am going to go on with things as they have been, for now. This is because it’s easiest for me. It has nothing to do with how he acts, what I feel or don’t feel for him, etc. It has to do with the fact he really doesn’t put demands on me and I could use the help to get moved, do repairs, etc. It’s not a matter of any great love-loss here as much as it is having someone to help share the burden of this next step in my life. I could never do what needs to be done by myself. I’ll worry about the other stuff later.

In the meantime, thank you all for your support and for being here for me. It really means a lot to me, and helps me keep things in perspective. Please feel free to say whatever you have to say. I think about each comment.

How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this game, the answer is “I don’t know Ladybeams, how deceitful can a passive aggressive be?” My answer is…”Pretty damn deceitful”.

For those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning, I’ve always said that even tho my passive aggressive BF was a passive aggressive, the one thing he had going for him was I could trust him. He was honest and did have integrity. I wasn’t worried about him cheating, etc like a lot of the stories I get here.

Boy was I wrong! We have been together, engaged since shortly after we got together, for 11 yrs. going on 12. I just found out a few nights ago that he is still married to what I thought was his ex-wife. Merry Christmas to me! LOL

Here all this time I thought we were having times like Thanksgiving etc. with his kids and ex-wife. It turns out he was having those times with his wife and his girlfriend! How do you keep a secret like that for so friggin’ long? I’m just incredulous!

The person that accidentally spilled the beans says “Oh they don’t feel like they’re married, blah, blah” like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Ha, ha. Of course I had to ask him about it. He did nothing, said nothing, but hung his head like the usual passive aggressive who gets caught at something stupid. Do to timing, etc. I let him know that it wasn’t over. Then today I mentioned that fact that he thought so little of me, not only could he not come up with something to say for himself, but he thought so little of me he didn’t even bother to apologize.

Head hung low, he says he thought of nothing else for the last 24 hours about how terrible of a person he was. I let him know he was right. I did not do the usual “you are not a bad person”. I said yes, you are.

We have basically only been roommates for a long time as it is, so I’m not really sure what I’m going to end up doing about this, other than make him squirm, but I will deal with it after I truly get done processing it, which I haven’t got there yet.

Me, Tony Robbins, And The Passive Aggressive

You read it right. LOL. This post is about me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. No, I wasn’t lucky enough to meet Tony in person like on his show “Breakthrough” or anything like that. I had bought a couple of his tape programs awhile back and was revisiting them. Of course Tony is great in the fact that he believes we need to live with passion, with “juice” as he calls it. One of the sets of tapes I was listening to goes through every aspect of your life, including relationships. Uh-oh.

Being involved with a passive passive aggressive, like many of you in long term relationships with same, there hasn’t been any “passion” here in a long time. Passion kind of flies out the window on the wings of lack of intimacy and affection, or bolts out the door with the lack of responsibility.

I’ve been with my passive aggressive boyfriend for 11 yrs. now. We have had sex once in the last year, probably 2 or 3 times in the last several years. Why? Because I got tired of always being the aggressor and quit.  For him, being passive aggressive, withholding sex is a regular part of their passive aggressive behavior, so it’s no big deal to him. I started this blog saying that I have learned to just “go with the flow” and for where I am and what I’m doing in my life, this hasn’t really bothered me. He doesn’t place a lot of demands on me (although he really does, he just does it covertly), and so it works out well for both of us.

Listening to Tony Robbins about living with passion has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I’ve been doing the exercises for relationships just like I’ve been doing the exercises on Goal Setting or any other part of my life that I’m trying to improve.  This one gets a little tough.

Many of you ask me when you know it’s time to leave the relationship. I’ll tell you I am finding that out first hand the hard way. My first instinct when some of you write what you’re going through, especially if you have children, is to tell you to run as far and as fast as possible for the best exit. Yet I had 3 kids when the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together, although I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until a few years into it. I worry all the time that my son who was the youngest at the time, is passive aggressive. I hope not. But through these exercises I’m learning how tough, but yet how necessary some of these changes may be.

Tony Robbins says some relationships go through 4 killing stages.

  1. The first is “resistance” where your passive aggressive does something that raises the hair on the back of your neck. You wish they wouldn’t do it, but you don’t say anything.
  2. The second is “resentment” where your passive aggressive tells the same old story, or does the same thing you hate over and over, your skin crawls, but you still don’t say anything.
  3. The third is “rejection” where you take all this “stuff” that has been building up, your passive aggressive does something, and you kind of “over react” or find little things to nit-pick about. Tony says by this time we have “stacked” so much stuff and we get really angry. If  you don’t split at this point, then you reach
  4. The fourth thing that will kill a relationship which is repression. This is where I am. I’ve done all three above. This is where, yeah you love him, he’s an okay guy, a great “roommate” but there is no passion, not for the relationship, not for life. There is no fulfillment.

Tony Robbins says you have to get honest about what your goals, values, etc. are and what your mates goals, values are, and if they just are not aligned, you need to do something about it. If your needs aren’t getting met in any area of your life, whether that’s intimacy or responsibilities, or what ever it may be, chances are you are not meeting your mates needs either (of course we all know it’s almost impossible to fill the needs for a passive aggressive). He does say that you just can’t flit from one relationship to another because you can never run away from you, but if you’re in a relationship that is killing your spirit, even though it’s scary, even though it takes courage to step out on your own, if you ever want to have a life that is personally fulfilling and live a life with passion, you need be honest with yourself and with your partner. The life you’re living isn’t fair to either of you. I know I don’t fulfill my passive aggressive’s needs, and I know I do it out of a type of revenge. Really, that’s no way to live life.

I’m working on that. Usually I don’t have such a hard time bringing up things up to him like this, but maybe I’m afraid once I do this time, I might just decide it’s time to let go. Or do I stay because it’s “convenient”?

Why are you still there? or when did you decide it was time to leave? Love to hear how you made the decision. Me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. Will we make it through this one?