Moving Forward- With or Without The Passive Aggressive

Moving forwardAs you read through the comments here, since starting this blog many have gotten out of their passive aggressive relationships and moved on to “greener pastures”. While many will admit that in the beginning it was hard to strike out on their own, I think the vote is unanimous that they are glad they left.

For many more, for what ever reasons be it financial, health, etc., some of us are still in our passive aggressive relationships. As I relocate again for the 3rd time in as many years it occurred to me how vitally important it is that we keep moving forward. Even if circumstances make us think for some reason we will never be able to get out, we must proceed as if we will, if for no other reason than to keep our own sanity.

It’s very easy to slip back into isolation, allowing the passive aggressive to have complete control. That is why once again, I am hunting for a new church to belong to, joining a new community in the neighborhood, etc.  What if we gave up hope, decided we would never get out, and all of a sudden our circumstances changed and we weren’t ready? What if you got that “window of opportunity” and you just let it close?

I was talking to a girlfriend the other night and she said the passive aggressive in her life wasn’t passive aggressive, just outright mean. I think they all have a mean streak, otherwise they would work on changing their passive aggressive personalities. Even as docile as my passive aggressive is, a mean streak rears it’s ugly head every once in awhile.

Many passive aggressives just have no compassion or empathy for anyone else. They didn’t have it, and they don’t know how to give it. We cry and instead of holding us, the passive aggressive just feels “accomplished”. It’s important for us to keep moving forward, preparing for a better life, even if it has to be within the one we are in.

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Another Holiday Season With The Passive Aggressive

Here we go. Hold on, its likely to be a bumpy ride. LOL. Here we are into another holiday season with our passive aggressive partners. For those of you who have been strong and smart enough to get out of the situation, you can just “remember when” and be thankful you don’t have to deal with the crap this year. LOL.

Okay everybody, exercise #1- Take a deep breath. In with the good air through the nose, out with the bad air through the mouth. Repeat.

From past performance we already know that whatever we do to make this Thanksgiving nice, given the opportunity the passive aggressive will do what ever they can to thwart our efforts. Being forewarned is being forearmed.

This holiday season our main focus is self-preservation instead of trying to please the passive aggressive. We already know pleasing is almost impossible, but we can take care and please ourselves. First and foremost rule, don’t give the passive aggressive any responsibility that if they should ‘forget’ or screw it up, can have any great impact one way or another on your day.

One thing to understand is by doing everything ourselves, or if you’re having company letting someone bring a dish, etc. it’s not that we’re letting the passive aggressive get away with anything. It is a way for us to have complete control and lessen the odds that we are going to have our day ruined and end up being very upset.

For instance, don’t ask the passive aggressive to pick up the turkey unless you want to take the chance that you won’t have one. Don’t ask him to take it out of the freezer unless you want to try to cook it frozen Thanksgiving Day.

If you’re having company and you ask him or her to do a few things around the house, don’t let it upset you if they don’t get done. You and I both know odds are they won’t. Go into everything you ask the passive aggressive to do with that frame of mind. Ask yourself, ‘now if he/she doesn’t do this, is it important enough to me that I’m going to get really upset?” If the answer is yes, either do it yourself or hire someone to get it done. If it’s not that big of deal, say the lawn doesn’t get mowed or the yard doesn’t get cleaned up, then just make the normal excuses like “Yeah, excuse the yard. I asked him to clean it up but he couldn’t un-glue his butt from the couch during football” or something like that. When dealing with the PA you really have to “pick your battles” so to speak.

This is part of keeping your sanity. If your passive aggressive continually ruins your holidays, and you let the same thing go on year after year, you really only have yourself to blame. I know that sounds harsh, but really, if you get your hand burned on the stove, you don’t keep putting it on there over and over again. Why keep beating your head against the wall?

And if you feel yourself starting to get stressed out because it’s turning into another one of those holidays with the passive aggressive, go back to exercise #1.

Special Free Gifts For My Friends

“Self Improvement Gifts 4 Offers 100s of FREE Personal Growth Related Products, Services & Memberships”

I wanted to let you know today about a Self Improvement site that I joined this morning that will allow you to download 100’s of self help gifts. And the best part is that it is absolutely FREE!

If you’ve had enough of plodding along year after year and you want to improve yourself to make 2010 your BEST ever year, then you need to go here:  Self Improvement Giveaway

When you first get to the site and sign up, you’ll be hit with a couple of “You’ll never see this offer again” type things, but if you’re not interested just scroll to the bottom to hit the “No” button. Besides the self improvement there are gifts for internet marketers so of course you have to wade through a couple of one time offers, but it’s worth it to get inside. If you’ve never been to one of these before, you’ll have to give your name and email address and then confirm for any gift you sign up for. You can “unsubscribe” any time, so don’t panic.

Self Improvement 4 will be open only for a VERY LIMITED TIME from January 5th to January 19th 2010. When you go there you’ll find a multitude of products – all FREE – provided by Self Improvement and Internet Marketing experts from all over the world. Here is just a small sample of what you will find:

* Personal Development Tips – Paul Klein
* NLP – Love Your Physical Self – Elizabeth Benson
* Dynamic Personality – Alex Perez Pratt
* Transformational Fitness – Amy Lundberg
* Anger Management – Giovanni Farotto
* Managing Stress – Heather Step
* How to Stay Focused – Piet Venter
* Unlimited Abundance – Gary L Glasscock
* 110 Self Help Super Tips – Jack Brown
* Outrageous Health – Charly Leetham
* Secrets of the Subconscious – Alvin Huang
* Law of Attraction – Dechen Lau
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Get all of these and 100’s more here: Self Improvement Giveaway

The organizers of the event are Stephanie Mulac, Rodger Hyatt and Gary Simpson.

Just briefly, this is Stephanie’s 4th Self Improvement Giveaway. Stephanie started this style of event in 2006. It’s in the form of a “Giveaway” which is sort of like a giant electronic trade fair where 100’s of experts offer their products free to the public.

Because it has become so popular, this year Stephanie has enlisted the services of Rodger Hyatt, a very experienced internet marketer, and Gary Simpson who has a copyrighting and self improvement background of some 20 years.

You only have to walk into any book store in any country to see how popular the subjects of self improvement, self awareness and personal development are. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry churning out hundreds of new books, audios, CD’s and other paraphernalia every year.

With 2010 upon us, what better time is there than right NOW to set yourself and maybe your business up for future success? This event is a life-changing experience for those who take it.

Come and join Stephanie, Rodger, Gary and me and see for yourself.

(Just to stay on the right side of the law, I need to let you know if you actually buy something, I could earn a commission. This is not why I let you know about these things. It is because some of this stuff is so good and would cost you a fortune to get any where else. If I didn’t think it was worthwhile, I wouldn’t suggest it).

self improvement

Self Improvement Giveaway

Passive Aggressives And Alcoholism

I was visiting an old friend’s blog this morning, Broken Hearted Mom, and she had posted a new YouTube video that is actually an advertisement for Al-Anon. It got me thinking about us dealing with passive aggressive people in our lives, and how likely it is that many of them are alcoholics, which is a double whammy.  I mention Al-Anon in my answers quite often as a source for support. Many of the techniques for dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict member of the family will work in any situation, for helping us keep our sanity and a grip on who we are with or without them.

With so many people struggling with the economy the way it is, the jobless rate being up, and people losing their homes all over the place, it occurred to me that more people are probably turning to alcohol to solve problems in record numbers. I know as an ex bar owner, this type of thing was a big cause of what drove people into see us.

So for any one who needs help in coping either with a passive aggressive, which by itself is crazy-making enough, or a passive aggressive that is having trouble with alcoholism, I hope this helps.

Training a Passive Aggressive Like An Animal

sandra dee movie

Training Your Pet

Training a passive aggressive spouse or partner like a wild animal I must say is an interesting concept. I was reading a blog post over on Passive Aggressive Husband written by an animal trainer. She says by using the same steps she uses to train dolphins we may be able to train our passive aggressive spouses or partner and she outlines a few basic steps.

It’s pretty rudimentary. As we’ve talked about here, the first step and often the hardest is to start detaching yourself from the relationship. She the goes on to talk about ignoring bad behavior and reinforcing good behavior, like you would a child. As she puts it, if you’ve tried everything else and can’t find anything that works, why not give it a try?

Actually this isn’t an entirely new concept, and not just used on passive aggressive spouses. In 1962 (I know, a lot of you may not be that old. LOL) Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin made a movie titled “If A Man Answers”. It’s a delightful movie about a young bride trying to get her model photographing husband’s attention. Her mother, very sophisticated in the ways of love, introduces her to a book titled “How To Train Man’s Best Friend” or “How To Train Your Pet”, something like that. The story is all about Sandra Dee taking the lessons from this dog training book to train her husband and of course it works, until he finds the book. LOL. It really is a cute film if you can find it anywhere and who knows, you may pick up a few pointers.

If you’d like to read the whole article just click on the link above. If you have any comments on what has worked for you, or if you have some “dog training” tips of your own, please share them below with the rest of us.

Holidays, Passive Aggressives, and Stress

Joy

Maybe?

Holidays, passive aggressives, and stress, what a combination, aye? And isn’t it amazing how they just seem to go together? I feel like singing it to the tune from Wizard of Oz that goes “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” LOL. So we’ve got less than 10 days to go until Christmas (if you celebrate). Everyone still in one piece? Now take a deep breath, let it out very slowly, and relax. It may be the only minute you get.

The holidays bring about a stress like no other. It used to be this time of year brought about a little extra kindness from people that may not show it any other time, but this year, and actually last year also, I notice people are just as likely to knock you down as say “hello”. I don’t know if it’s the down economy or what, but God forbid someone actually say “excuse me” without sarcasm.  LOL.

This is also the time of year the little children in us comes out and we still want everything to be perfect. This is the time of year we hope the relative that we haven’t seen since last year and couldn’t stand has had a whole personality make over. It’s also the time of year that we hope our passive aggressive spouses or partners also are going to change, at least for the holidays. That we’re going to laugh and hang lights together. That we’re going to get some of the affection we’ve done without all the rest of the year. That this year he/she finally “gets it” and we get something personal for Christmas instead of a Swiffer or a new tie. LOL.

One of the big things that ads to our holiday stress is our own unrealistic expectations. We see the romantic holiday movies wishing so hard that would be us and everybody lives happily ever after. I’m not saying we can’t hope, but at the same time, don’t allow yourself to get set up for disappointment. This time of year has a way of accentuating the problems that are already there. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and if your partner or spouse has been one way all year, don’t think just because it’s “the season” that things are going to change now. You may be one of the lucky ones and say he/she gets hit with a Christmas miracle, that’s great! Don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

It’s up to us now to really stand guard over ourselves. The holiday season only comes around once a year, enjoy it with or without him/her if you have to. I hear you. “Yeah, it’s only once a year so you would think they could be different just for that time” but no, that’s not how it usually works, unless you’re one of the lucky ones who got a passive aggressive with a lot of spirit. Since most of them are passive aggressive because of traumas and abuses in childhood, that’s not usually too likely.

For many of us this can be the worst time for feeling alone, unloved and getting depressed, but we don’t have to let them do that to us. There are all kinds of things going on to celebrate the season. If you’ve got a friend you can drag along, even better. If not, go yourself and maybe you’ll make new friends. None of us got in a relationship to do things alone or without our partners, but sometimes it’s just necessary. Remember things that brought you joy in the past. Find things that are still going on or are similar. The holidays through the eyes of a child are wonderous, even before the presents.

Besides, what better way to screw up a passive aggressive than not letting them get to you this year?  Holidays, passive aggressives, and stress, Oh My!

SAD And Passive Aggressive?

It almost sounds about like the joke I made about a passive aggressive being

a great day maxine

yeah, that's me

schizophrenic and having to put up with 2 of them. Unfortunately, SAD is a very real thing and not only can it affect them, but it can get to us also.  For those who don’t know what SAD is, it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, or in common terms, the “winter blues”.  I didn’t realize how much it affected me until it rained 27 straight days here. I was just about a basket case. I never realized how much the lack of sunshine could affect someone’s psyche.

Being involved with a passive aggressive partner is tough enough, but if you or they are a victim of SAD it just makes matters worse. Pile on top of that the stress of the holidays, and…well you know.

Here are my tips for today to get through the season with your sanity.

1) If you’re in a place that is dark a lot or you don’t get out in the sun much, make sure you are supplementing your regular vitamin regiment with Vitamin D3. Did you know that a good percentage (over 50%) of adults and children are Vitamin D deficient? Getting the proper amount of vitamin D can help lift your spirits along with many other things that Vitamin D can do for you.

2) Bright-light therapy–which you can do by sitting in front of a
fluorescent light box that delivers an intensity of 10,000 lux–can
be as effective as antidepressant medication for mild and moderate
depression and can yield substantial relief for Seasonal Affective
Disorder. The brighter you keep your surroundings the less likely SAD is going to debilitate you. Makes sense.

3) Exercise. Even I had to grunt at this one, but I’m telling you, you need to put those little endorphins to work. If you can possibly start your day with an exercise routine of some sort, be it walking, exercising with tv, anything to get you moving and blood circulating, you’ll feel much better for the rest of the day. It not only gives you a mood lift, but an energy lift as well. If you’re like me, you need some kind of accountability or a friend to prod you on, so look for an exercise “buddy” or find a group that’s doing “mall walking” in your community, join a gym, something. At least most of this stuff you can do indoors no matter what the weather is like. If you ever get a chance to see what it does physiologically to the brain (google “brain and exercise” and watch a couple of the videos) you’ll be glad to get started.

4) Wear bright colors. This one I stole from Theresa Bochard at Beliefnet’s “Beyond Blue”.  She’s right and I do it myself. During the winter we all tend to dress in the darkest colors, like we’re going to a funeral. I know how much better I feel just putting on a red lipstick (yes I do on occassion). Dress in something festive and warm instead of dark sweats and warm. Feel good about yourself! Celebrate. We have another day to figure it out, get it right, or just rejoice in it! LOL.

5) Get plenty of support around you. A lot of us don’t talk much to others about what we’re going through with our passive aggressive partners. Who wants to admit that we have no sex life? That the man/woman we married doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us physically anymore? We all need a safe place to go to be able to let it out. Whether you join a support group, a 12 step program, get a therapist, have a special friend you can share with, or even just coming here to vent, you need to feel like you’re not alone. You need to feel you can scream out loud if you want to. Like you have someone who will understand. And along with this comes…

6) Friends. Don’t isolate yourself. If he/she’s being an ass then leave them home, but see your friends. It all starts back when we were kids, and we fall for some person, and we just let our friends kind of fend for themselves. Don’t go there. These people are your friends for a reason. You enjoy their company, you have a good time. Enjoy it now. I don’t know about you, but this time of year gets me thinking about my friends anyway. Don’t let it be another obligation. Let it be something that brings joy into your life. If some people are too demanding than set your own limits without guilt. Your friendships should be a “good thing”.

If you’re living with a passive aggressive that has all the symptoms of SAD, and you have a hard time dealing with it yourself, it can seem overwhelming. You can do it! These are all simple little things that we can all do and incorporate into their lives as well. The idea behind this series of posts is for us to get out with our sanity and the least amount of discord. This will give you the strength to at least have a head start on making it through the season.