The Female Passive Aggressive

  I don’t get a lot of comments from men here, but I think it’s  definitely worth a mentioning. We don’t have to be romantically involved for a female’s passive aggressiveness to affect us. We have passive aggressive mothers, sisters, girlfriends.

I do have to say though, that I find the m.o. of a female passive aggressive vs. what we women go through with our male passive aggressives, to be quite devastating for the average man.

Now, that’s not to say what happens with women isn’t devastating, but somehow I think we are more equipped to handle what is happening. As women, we get right down to the research, reach out to others for support and understanding. Men aren’t used to working like that, so they have more of a tendency to keep what they are going through private, thus not taking advantage of what support systems they may be able to utilize.

A big disadvantage the man has is that most of them have never understood women period, let alone a passive aggressive woman. Most of them succumb to tears, temper tantrums, because they have no idea what else to do. This makes at least these two expressions of emotion great manipulative tools for a passive aggressive female.

There are two cases I know of that are almost identical. One is from a mother-in-law’s point of view regarding her daughter-in-law, and the other is from a dear friend of mine who got involved with a passive aggressive female a couple of years ago, and hasn’t been sane since. LOL.

In both cases the passive aggressive females had been abandoned by their mothers at a rather early age. One was raised by her relatives, the other by an alcoholic father who decided he really couldn’t take care of her, and abandoned her also. Needless to say, when it came to nurturing, neither of these women received what they needed.

In both cases, neither of the passive aggressive females will go to counseling. My friend’s girlfriend agreed at first (I think just for posterity) but then seemed to keep coming up with excuses not to go.  The therapist ended up quitting on them as she never knew if they were going to show up or not.  Both women seem to be “not” dealing with abandonment issues and are quite needy because of it.

What’s funny to me, is my friend even calls his relationship “crazy-making”, understands that his girlfriend is passive aggressive in “some ways”, but really doesn’t get how incurable it is, especially when she doesn’t want to address any of her issues.

In both cases the passive aggressive female, like the passive aggressive male counterpart, wants to cut off all outside relationships their spouses or Significant Others have. My friend who is a mother-in-law, is lucky if she ever sees her grandchildren. Her son has been so manipulated by his passive aggressive wife, he hardly has anything to do with his mother. When he does, many times it’s backing up his wife’s passive aggressive behavior, hurting his mother even more.  The other passive aggressive female has been trying to build a wedge between my male friend and his mother almost since the very beginning of their relationship. His mother is quite elderly, and he has a very real sense of responsibility toward his mother, so his girlfriend is finding that relationship a little harder to break up.

He and I don’t hardly speak anymore because she was threatened by our relationship.  Passive aggressives usually understand they are being unreasonable and don’t want their spouses or Significant Others talking about their relationship with anyone else. In my male friend’s case, his girlfriend said he should be talking to her instead of me about the things that bother him, which I agree if that’s possible. Yet when he tries, she goes into a huge crying jag, or a screaming match. Then she totally breaks all communication stating if they can’t have the perfect “fairytale” relationship, they shouldn’t have any at all. After 3 yrs. I’m hoping my friend is starting to see that he may be better off letting her go to find that kind of romance, instead of being the brunt of everything bad that ever happens.  There is no way he can ever win with her.

Unfortunately, in both these cases, all the people on the outside can do while getting their hearts broken, is wait for the one in the relationship, be it son, friend, brother, etc., is wait until they’ve finally had enough. As we can see from how long passive aggressive relationships can last just from reading the comments on this blog, that could be a very long time.

 

New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

Here I am starting the New Year with the same old passive aggressive boyfriend. Like many, I have made my New Year’s Resolutions (although I prefer to look at them as “goals” instead of “resolutions”, hoping that will help me keep them longer). I have also seen where many people declare either a word or a “theme” to live by for the New Year.

I have decided I think, my word or theme shall be “Self”. I am going to be: a little more “Self-loving”, not beat myself up for how other people, namely the passive aggressive, choose to live. I choose to embrace the “three C’s” of Al-Anon which are: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

I plan to be a little more “Self-Indulgent”. Get out and start doing a lot more of the things I like to do and seeing more of the people I want to see.

Being more “Self-Reliant”. When the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together so many years ago, he said he believed the man should do the “man things” of the household like take out trash, do the yard work, etc.  As a response to that, I have found through the years that I have allowed myself to rely on him to do a lot of things I really could do myself. When he doesn’t do them, as we all know most passive aggressives won’t do something when you are relying on them to do it, I would get upset.

I have informed my dear passive aggressive boyfriend that this year, I shall not ask him to do anything I cannot do myself. This will benefit me two-fold. I won’t have to end up being a nag (which I have hated being put in that position), and I won’t keep upsetting myself when he doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do.

On the things I really do want the passive aggressive to do, I ask him every day to please “don’t forget to…” right now, it’s drain the water heater. I have been asking him for almost a week. I haven’t decided on whether I will warn him I am about to “lose it” if he doesn’t get it done, or I’ll just ask him how many more days he thinks I’ll have to remind him before he’ll do it.

Last, but not least, is “Self-Control”. I am taking control of myself. My life, as much as humanly possible. My self-defeating attitudes, spending more time looking at the positives. There are some positives, just most of the time what those are seem to escape me. LOL.

2013 was a very enlightening year for me. I had a melanoma removed, which lucky for me hadn’t spread. I had an EKG which told my doctor I had had a heart attack at some point, though I didn’t know it. (I hadn’t been to a doctor for an actual check-up or anything since about 2000). I feel like I actually got a second chance, or two second chances, to live. This year I will live healthier, count my blessings more, and learn once again to appreciate who I am.

What’s your plan for 2014? What are you going to do in the New Year with the same old passive aggressive? Or maybe your plan is to prepare not start next year the same way?

Valentine Or Sitting Duck?

Which will you be this year? Will you be the passive aggressive’s Valentine or a sitting duck? To me, this has got to be the passive aggressive’s favorite holiday, right up there with Christmas when it comes to disappointment.

If you and the passive aggressive are on the outs, or you’ve called him/her out on his/her behavior, this is the perfect time for him/her to sweep you back in. If the passive aggressive is malicious enough, he/she knows how much this day means to you and will use it to hurt you yet one more time.

They say it’s worse to be with someone and still be lonely, than it is to just be alone. I would say that would be the case with most that are married or involved with a passive aggressive. I’ve noticed this year there seems to be a lot of clubs, etc. advertising parties for people who are not someone’s valentine. There’s nothing saying we can’t partake in something like that, celebrating the fact that we’re just alive and full of love ourselves, with or without anyone else.

If you are one in a position that whenever it comes to something special, your passive aggressive lets you down, now is as good a time as any to change that!

First, don’t expect anything special. This way if he/she screws up it won’t hurt as bad because you weren’t expecting anything special anyhow. If he/she does do something or remembers Valentine’s Day, it will just be icing on the cake, not something you’re depending on.

Second- There’s no law says we can’t do for ourselves what we would have liked someone else to do for us. Pamper yourself. Put everyone on notice you are doing things on this day to love yourself. I know if you have little kids or schedules, there are still things you have to work around, but there’s nothing saying you can’t pick yourself up a bottle of wine, some roses for the bath water, and anything else you want to spoil yourself. Then when you have the time, enjoy it. Remember how much you used to love yourself and how you are so worth it!

Third- You must have single friends or relatives. They probably aren’t loving this day either. See if you can get together for lunch or to do something fun so that you enjoy at least part of your day. It will help going into the evening.

And- If you’re really ambitious, you could bake some cookies and take them to a homeless shelter, or old folks home. Or grab a big bunch of cheap balloons and do the same. To see the light on the faces will fill your heart with so much love, nothing could take that away.

It’s up to you to take the mindset that you need to love yourself. That you are worth loving yourself and being loved by others.  Certainly we can do that for ourselves at least once a year. We have to be pro-active when it comes to the passive aggressive. Otherwise, you’ll just keep drowning.

So, are you going to be a Valentine or a sitting duck?

13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

Moving Along, Dragging the Passive Aggressive Behind Me

Since last updating, I am practicing what I was preaching. Still working on taxes, I have been going to the gym about every other day and then taking a dip in the pool, which is just like heaven to me. For about an hour or so fitness is all I think about, or I take my cassette player and earphones and listen to something uplifting while I work out. Either way, I’m not thinking about him or us. I’m also fortunate in the way that I have a good friend that sort of holds me accountable, even tho he’s far away, so that gives me even more motivation.

Which speaking of “us”, there really isn’t much of an “us” anymore. We are definitely just roommates trying to survive. The Passive aggressive has the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. I still look over his shoulder every time he gets the mail as I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’ve grown weary of his passive aggressive surprises.

The PA finally got an unemployment payment. They’re set up on debit cards now instead of getting a check. When the PA boyfriend got his debit card, it didn’t tell him how much was on there. He needed to activate the card and then he could check his balance. I asked him a couple of times to verify that he got paid for both weeks and he hadn’t done it, so I gathered together the bills that were due immediately, told him he needed to put $20. in the checking account to cover a check I had written, and dumped everything in his passive aggressive lap.

I felt so good doing that, that for the first time in ages I had so much energy I couldn’t figure out where it all came from. I didn’t even need a nap that day and went until about 11:00 that night. Of course I had to teach him how to pay a couple of things, but that was okay. I was out from under everything. We’ve had a little discussion since then and he says “we only have so much money left. We can’t pay blah, blah”. I said “Welcome to my world! Guess you better figure it out.” It’s so nice not being the only one to worry about this stuff!

The PA did go for a job interview the other day. As always, he thought it went well. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall during one of these interviews. I often wonder if the PA tells the interviewer the same types of things he tells me, “I’ve never done that before”-type crap. I’ve gotten now where whenever he says that I just tell him “Doesn’t mean you can’t do it”. Positive thoughts and prayers for him getting hired would be appreciated.

First Steps Out of The Passive Aggressive Rut…

After all that’s happened between me and the passive aggressive boyfriend, for me the very first step to getting back my strength and my life, is prayer. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all preachy on you, just that is how it is for me. Feeling the presence of God, reading the strengthening verses in the Bible…I know I’m not alone.

I’ve been reading positive books just to keep my outlook above water. The book I happened to be reading at the time was “I Can, You Can Too” by Mamie McCullough. It’s great! Her mascot is the bee, because aerodynamically, the way it’s built body-wise, it should be impossible for the bee to fly. Guess someone forgot to tell the bee. LOL. She also believes no matter what your circumstances, no one has ever seen an “I can’t”, but you can print labels from her websiteto make your own “I (eye)Can” labels. They fit perfect around a soup can and I keep one on my desk to remind me “I can!” Just fill in your name and email. I have not received any “junk mail” from her, so don’t worry.

The third thing I did to get myself out of the passive aggressive victim’s rut was get outside of myself. Even if you’re wheelchair bound, you can volunteer to do something for someone else, be it making phone calls, writing grants, etc. There are many non-profit organizations begging for volunteers. Surely you can find something, and the reward you feel and the freedom of stepping away from your own troubles for awhile is phenomenal. I know I still come home to the same crap, but for a little while I can concentrate on someone else’s problems.

Next, I’ve been putting stuff for sale on Craig’s List. A guy came by to buy something the other day and walked away with 4 things, 3 of which I hadn’t even advertised. If you see it laying around and I’m not using it, make an offer, it’s yours. LOL.

The other thing I’m cleaning up is old “loose ends”. For me, that’s taxes that haven’t been filed. They actually owe me money, they just don’t know it yet. The State has “guesstimated” my income based on the fact that I carry a license, not actual income, and has filed a lien against me. Obviously this isn’t a help credit-wise, so I’m fixing it. It’s also another place I’ll be able to pull money from, although I filed the PA’s taxes and he got a letter Saturday that he just showed me yesterday. They took his whole refund and applied it to his VA bill. Great!

And last but not least, I joined the fitness center where we are. I need to lose some of this weight, and don’t ever underestimate the power of those little endorphins that get turned loose when you exert yourself a little. If your circumstances don’t make you feel good then you need to find something that makes you happy, even for a short while. This too ads to your inner strength. No matter what your circumstances, even bed ridden, there are probably exercises you could or should be doing. Put on a little of your favorite music and get movin’. LOL

How To Tell If A Passive Aggressive Is Lying…

I have come to the conclusion if you want to know if a passive aggressive is lying, you just have to see their lips are moving. (Judge Judy says the same about teenage children. LOL)

I thought my passive aggressive boyfriend (roommate) had pretty much done the worst he could do when he hadn’t told me after being together for 11 yrs. that he was still married, but with a passive aggressive the “hits just keep on coming”.

Any of you who have been with me for any length of time know we just moved down to SoCal recently. When we got down here the PA’s employer decided they didn’t have any work for him down here, so I told him to file for unemployment. Of course that took some time, and some nagging, but he finally did it. While we’re trying to get some work going down here, and he’s supposedly looking for work, we’ve been living on my mother’s social security. As you can imagine, it’s not much for 3 people with bad habits. LOL. Any money from unemployment would be a plus.

They say in California it takes about 10 days to start drawing benefits. OK. I’m resourceful. We can live until then. So, after 10 days I am checking the mailbox, getting on the passive aggressive to call the benefits office to find out where his check is. Every day he tells me he can’t get through, not on the recorder number and not on the main number. He actually has me listen because I can’t believe that you can’t get through on a recorded number that is supposed to give information 24/7.

Finally, the passive aggressive gets up one morning, bright and early and drives to an office in another town a short ways from us. He comes back and tells me they’ve docked him 5 weeks because they are saying he’s the one that terminated employment. I ask him if he explained circumstances, etc. He says he did but they didn’t care.

When the second person I told about this mentioned an appeal process, I decided to look into it myself. I pull up the info on how to appeal and it says you have 20 days from the “Determination Letter” you receive from them. So I start asking the PA if he ever got this letter. He’s hem-hawing around, and finally asks me why. I explain I’m working on an appeal, and he finally breaks forth with the truth.

All this time while I’m checking the mailbox and on his butt to call the unemployment office, he had received a determination letter that said they were docking him 5 weeks because he got overpaid in April 2010. It had absolutely nothing to do with his employer. He had already appealed, without me knowing it, and he didn’t want to tell me because he “didn’t want to complicate things any further”.

I came unglued!! Complicate things any further? So it’s easier letting me think there’s a check coming that isn’t, and lying to me every day about not knowing why it’s not here? Instead of telling me it’s not coming and letting me figure something else out, just let me keep hoping every single day it was in the mail?

I must have called him everything in the book, language I haven’t used in a long time came spilling out of my mouth. (Going to church today to ask for forgiveness. LOL). I told him it was obvious he had absolutely no integrity, which I should have known after the “wife” incident, but I never guessed that he was still lying straight to my face, about our every day life!

I told him to go home to his eldest son’s. Of course I know that won’t happen right now, and I really don’t want it to right now until I have a little more income on my end coming in, but this definitely did it. We are through! From now on it will be my total concentration to figure how to make extra cash, where I can pull money from to put in savings, all building to a life without him. I’ll get there.

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

The other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

Seeing the Passive Aggressive Through “Sweet” Eyes

I found this this morning, and I thought I would post just in case there is someone out there it may help. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and then I will spill mine.

Passive Aggressive- Whatever works!

Hope is where you can find it. Tonite I was doing something on the internet (can’t even remember what) and I came upon another article by Therese Borchard called “7 Prayers for the Depressed“. Therese is great, and has been through her own share of problems being a ‘borderline’ personality herself. She writes for Beyond Blue and has so much great advice for picking yourself up and wiping off the dust. If you read my article on the “Self Esteem File” you may remember me mentioning her there.

I don’t know how many of you are “religious” or believe in God, and it’s really none of my business either way, but I believe big time. I often think if I didn’t have God to talk to and rely on, I probably wouldn’t be here (on earth). Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all “preachy” on you here, just sayin’.

So many of us go through terrible bouts of depression due to the situations we’re living in with a passive aggressive person, be it a parent, a spouse, what ever, that sometimes we have to lift our head up before we drown. Below is a link to the site I found tonite where Therese has 7 Prayers for the Depressed. I hope it helps.