The Passive Aggressive Officially Retires

retirementHallelujah! The passive aggressive boyfriend has turned 65 and is able to start collecting Social Security. This definitely takes some of the stress off of both of us. Now I can quit nagging him to look for work and I only have to nag him about doing things around here! LOL.

The PA boyfriend lives his life these days mainly doing crossword puzzles and watching sports. We live in a rented house and there are just a couple of things I’ve asked him to do around here, but I’ve been asking for 2 yrs.! One job, getting rid of the boxes from our move here two years ago, is almost complete. Why am I not in heaven?

One of the things that hasn’t changed is the pathological lying and deception. I just ran across a letter from Social Security that they are going to dock his retirement checks for the money he owes to the VA for medical. I knew he left a big bill the last place we lived, but I have been asking him since his first visit to the VA here for a bill. In the usual passive aggressive way, he kept swearing he hadn’t received one yet. This is why I say that the passive aggressive has moved up to “pathological” liar. Come to find out he’s received a few bills and a couple of letters requesting payment, yet lied straight to my face each time I asked him. There was absolutely no reason for hiding the bills.

The other thing the passive aggressive boyfriend and I are having a tug-of-war about these days is Medicare. Since he has the VA, I don’t know if he needs Medicare medical and drug plan or not. He has Medicare hospitalization, but I don’t know if he needs a supplemental plan. I know with my mother, her Kaiser has been a life saver.

I guess, in all reality, I shouldn’t be bitching. I’m still here, or he is. Nobody to blame but myself for that.  LOL.

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Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

Children And Passive Aggressive Behavior

What do you do with children that obviously have passive aggressive behavior?

If you’ve been with me for any length of time, you know that my first advice if someone has children and they are married to a passive aggressive spouse, is to get out and save the children. All too often the children have a tendency to pick up the passive aggressive spouse’s behaviors.

Children also have the ability to take on these behaviors all by themselves when they start resenting the responsibilities put upon them by their parents.  In a way it’s no wonder children will behave passive aggressively, as they feel they have no other choice. In my house I was definitely not allowed to talk back or squack about what I was told to do. As a result, I had to take my little sister (6 yrs. younger) with me every where I went from the time she could walk.

As I was doing some research today, I came across an article by Signe Witson on Psychology Today who talks about a mother who asks her oldest daughter to take the 2 younger daughters to the bathroom while they are having a meal in a restaurant. While the oldest acts obediently, she travels at such a pace, she loses both her siblings on the way. When Mother is upset, the oldest daughter acts in complete surprise and blames her siblings for not keeping up.

This is such a familiar story to me. I can remember behaving in such a manner when I was a kid, and I can remember my oldest daughter on occasion behaving the same way regarding her siblings. Evidently now there is a book to help parents deal with these kind of situations called “The Reality Rub”.

The Reality Rub is recommended for use with kids who manipulate reality to test limits. The goal of the Reality Rub is to help kids re-organize their thinking and clarify reality by discussing their blurred, distorted, or self-serving perceptions of an incident.

This sounds like it may be a perfect place to start if you have kids that are always testing your limits, or who are developing their own passive aggressive behavior habits that would serve them better if they used that energy in more constructive ways.

 

Are There More and More Passive Aggressives Out There?

Are there more and more passive aggressives out there, or is it just me?

Hey everyone, I’ve missed you so much since my last post, but have been actually trying to “practice what I preach”. One thing I have found since not posting so often is a lot of the “spammers” are leaving me alone. LOL.

1) I have finally found a new “home” church where I am getting to know people and have some support.
2) I am still struggling with back taxes, getting them caught up, but am getting closer all the time. Getting these done will give me a big portion of control of my life back. Instead of always having “unfinished business” on my brain, I can look forward into the future. Getting these done will also take two tax liens off of my credit file and up my credit score. This is a must if I should end up moving.
3) While I joined our gym here and there are 3 swimming pools, I haven’t been very good about motivating myself to go work out. I really need to lose this extra weight, so instead I joined a group that plays “pickleball” 3 times a week and we’ve been playing “shuffleboard”, the kind that is on the ground. At least I have begun moving instead of just sitting all the time.

Otherwise, my social life is down to nil. I haven’t been any more attentive to my “offline” friends than I have been here, I’m sorry to say. The taxes are so hard, I just concentrate completely on that.

It appears a very dear friend of mine who himself has a tendency to be fairly passive aggressive, has fallen for an old high school girlfriend that he just got re-aquainted with. I have mentioned it to him gently a couple of times, but she seems to be the whole bag of tricks when it comes to being passive aggressive.

She comes from the background of being abandoned by her mother at a young age. Evidently it didn’t take too long for her father who was an alcoholic to decided he couldn’t care for her and her brother by himself. Then later her mother came back into her life. This woman was told not to tell the mother’s boyfriend she was the mother’s child, because the mother didn’t want the boyfriend to know she had kids. Boy, talk about a lack of nurturing being one cause of passive aggressive behavior! Needless to say, abandonment is just one of the issues she has.

I only hear my friend’s side of the story, but I can just imagine what he is putting his girlfriend through also. He, like most passive aggressives, rather than say anything that may cause a fight, will just shut down. I’ve often wondered what happens when 2 passive aggressive partners get together, what the outcome would be, or how it’s even determined. I guess I’ll watch and find out. LOL.

I have approved all comments that were waiting, and will try to respond to as many as possible. Thank you all for your comments and your patience.

First Steps Out of The Passive Aggressive Rut…

After all that’s happened between me and the passive aggressive boyfriend, for me the very first step to getting back my strength and my life, is prayer. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all preachy on you, just that is how it is for me. Feeling the presence of God, reading the strengthening verses in the Bible…I know I’m not alone.

I’ve been reading positive books just to keep my outlook above water. The book I happened to be reading at the time was “I Can, You Can Too” by Mamie McCullough. It’s great! Her mascot is the bee, because aerodynamically, the way it’s built body-wise, it should be impossible for the bee to fly. Guess someone forgot to tell the bee. LOL. She also believes no matter what your circumstances, no one has ever seen an “I can’t”, but you can print labels from her websiteto make your own “I (eye)Can” labels. They fit perfect around a soup can and I keep one on my desk to remind me “I can!” Just fill in your name and email. I have not received any “junk mail” from her, so don’t worry.

The third thing I did to get myself out of the passive aggressive victim’s rut was get outside of myself. Even if you’re wheelchair bound, you can volunteer to do something for someone else, be it making phone calls, writing grants, etc. There are many non-profit organizations begging for volunteers. Surely you can find something, and the reward you feel and the freedom of stepping away from your own troubles for awhile is phenomenal. I know I still come home to the same crap, but for a little while I can concentrate on someone else’s problems.

Next, I’ve been putting stuff for sale on Craig’s List. A guy came by to buy something the other day and walked away with 4 things, 3 of which I hadn’t even advertised. If you see it laying around and I’m not using it, make an offer, it’s yours. LOL.

The other thing I’m cleaning up is old “loose ends”. For me, that’s taxes that haven’t been filed. They actually owe me money, they just don’t know it yet. The State has “guesstimated” my income based on the fact that I carry a license, not actual income, and has filed a lien against me. Obviously this isn’t a help credit-wise, so I’m fixing it. It’s also another place I’ll be able to pull money from, although I filed the PA’s taxes and he got a letter Saturday that he just showed me yesterday. They took his whole refund and applied it to his VA bill. Great!

And last but not least, I joined the fitness center where we are. I need to lose some of this weight, and don’t ever underestimate the power of those little endorphins that get turned loose when you exert yourself a little. If your circumstances don’t make you feel good then you need to find something that makes you happy, even for a short while. This too ads to your inner strength. No matter what your circumstances, even bed ridden, there are probably exercises you could or should be doing. Put on a little of your favorite music and get movin’. LOL

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

tasThe other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

Seeing the Passive Aggressive Through “Sweet” Eyes

I found this this morning, and I thought I would post just in case there is someone out there it may help. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and then I will spill mine.