After Leaving The Passive Aggressive…

Good morning! I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have a song for just about everything I do in life. Marg submitted the video and lyrics below, and I thought it was so appropriate, I decided to re-post it here. Enjoy=)

Lyrics-
“Somebody That I Used To Know”
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

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Moving Along, Dragging the Passive Aggressive Behind Me

Since last updating, I am practicing what I was preaching. Still working on taxes, I have been going to the gym about every other day and then taking a dip in the pool, which is just like heaven to me. For about an hour or so fitness is all I think about, or I take my cassette player and earphones and listen to something uplifting while I work out. Either way, I’m not thinking about him or us. I’m also fortunate in the way that I have a good friend that sort of holds me accountable, even tho he’s far away, so that gives me even more motivation.

Which speaking of “us”, there really isn’t much of an “us” anymore. We are definitely just roommates trying to survive. The Passive aggressive has the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. I still look over his shoulder every time he gets the mail as I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’ve grown weary of his passive aggressive surprises.

The PA finally got an unemployment payment. They’re set up on debit cards now instead of getting a check. When the PA boyfriend got his debit card, it didn’t tell him how much was on there. He needed to activate the card and then he could check his balance. I asked him a couple of times to verify that he got paid for both weeks and he hadn’t done it, so I gathered together the bills that were due immediately, told him he needed to put $20. in the checking account to cover a check I had written, and dumped everything in his passive aggressive lap.

I felt so good doing that, that for the first time in ages I had so much energy I couldn’t figure out where it all came from. I didn’t even need a nap that day and went until about 11:00 that night. Of course I had to teach him how to pay a couple of things, but that was okay. I was out from under everything. We’ve had a little discussion since then and he says “we only have so much money left. We can’t pay blah, blah”. I said “Welcome to my world! Guess you better figure it out.” It’s so nice not being the only one to worry about this stuff!

The PA did go for a job interview the other day. As always, he thought it went well. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall during one of these interviews. I often wonder if the PA tells the interviewer the same types of things he tells me, “I’ve never done that before”-type crap. I’ve gotten now where whenever he says that I just tell him “Doesn’t mean you can’t do it”. Positive thoughts and prayers for him getting hired would be appreciated.

First Steps Out of The Passive Aggressive Rut…

After all that’s happened between me and the passive aggressive boyfriend, for me the very first step to getting back my strength and my life, is prayer. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all preachy on you, just that is how it is for me. Feeling the presence of God, reading the strengthening verses in the Bible…I know I’m not alone.

I’ve been reading positive books just to keep my outlook above water. The book I happened to be reading at the time was “I Can, You Can Too” by Mamie McCullough. It’s great! Her mascot is the bee, because aerodynamically, the way it’s built body-wise, it should be impossible for the bee to fly. Guess someone forgot to tell the bee. LOL. She also believes no matter what your circumstances, no one has ever seen an “I can’t”, but you can print labels from her websiteto make your own “I (eye)Can” labels. They fit perfect around a soup can and I keep one on my desk to remind me “I can!” Just fill in your name and email. I have not received any “junk mail” from her, so don’t worry.

The third thing I did to get myself out of the passive aggressive victim’s rut was get outside of myself. Even if you’re wheelchair bound, you can volunteer to do something for someone else, be it making phone calls, writing grants, etc. There are many non-profit organizations begging for volunteers. Surely you can find something, and the reward you feel and the freedom of stepping away from your own troubles for awhile is phenomenal. I know I still come home to the same crap, but for a little while I can concentrate on someone else’s problems.

Next, I’ve been putting stuff for sale on Craig’s List. A guy came by to buy something the other day and walked away with 4 things, 3 of which I hadn’t even advertised. If you see it laying around and I’m not using it, make an offer, it’s yours. LOL.

The other thing I’m cleaning up is old “loose ends”. For me, that’s taxes that haven’t been filed. They actually owe me money, they just don’t know it yet. The State has “guesstimated” my income based on the fact that I carry a license, not actual income, and has filed a lien against me. Obviously this isn’t a help credit-wise, so I’m fixing it. It’s also another place I’ll be able to pull money from, although I filed the PA’s taxes and he got a letter Saturday that he just showed me yesterday. They took his whole refund and applied it to his VA bill. Great!

And last but not least, I joined the fitness center where we are. I need to lose some of this weight, and don’t ever underestimate the power of those little endorphins that get turned loose when you exert yourself a little. If your circumstances don’t make you feel good then you need to find something that makes you happy, even for a short while. This too ads to your inner strength. No matter what your circumstances, even bed ridden, there are probably exercises you could or should be doing. Put on a little of your favorite music and get movin’. LOL

Are 40 Million Americans Passive Aggressive?

broken hearts

Thanks to LayoutSparks.com

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

  1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
  2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
  3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80’s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

Leaving A Passive Aggressive: In A Song

I saw her perform this on the CMA’s last night and thought it was excellent for us.  The song is “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans. The words are below the video.

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of pain, but I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess, and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin’ in the car to work, and I’m tryin’ to ignore the hurt. So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you. I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it. I’m gettin’ a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you turn around and a month’s gone by, And you realize you haven’t cried. I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer. I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Gettin’ along without you baby, I’m better off without you baby, How does it feel without me baby? I’m gettin’ stronger without you baby. And I’m done hopin’ that we could

Quiet In The Passive Aggressive Household

The BF’s son is at his mother’s, my kids have left, and it’s just the two of us until Sunday, at least. Needless to say, after all the activity it’s very quiet in the passive aggressive household today.

Needless to say not another thing has been mentioned by the passive aggressive boyfriend regarding his long time secret. In fact after I mentioned it the second time, I guess he thinks that’s all there is because ever since then he’s acted like it never happened.

I didn’t mention it to my kids while they were here before Christmas because I didn’t want things to be awkward. The day after Christmas they all took me out for my birthday, and I told them the BF was still married then. Of course they asked for details, etc. but then I was rather surprised at how non-plussed they were. They asked what I was going to do next, but they really felt like it was not really that big a deal. It was like “so they just never got to the paperwork. No biggie.”
It’s hard to believe that 2 of these 3 kids didn’t even like him for a long time when we first got together. LOL

In the meantime, over the holidays I had to take back a mobile home that I had sold on an installment contract 5 yrs. ago. The guy had quit making payments, and has done nothing but basically ruin my life for the last 3 out of the 5 yrs. For some reason about 2 yrs. into the contract he felt I should just give him the mobile, that he shouldn’t have to pay interest on the loan, etc. It’s been a mess. I held an auction, no one bid, so it reverts back to me. I am currently waiting for him to get out. In the meantime, while he’s moving out, he is completely gutting the place. It’s a wreck. He’s ripped out all the carpet, and anything else he can as far as I can tell. I haven’t been inside yet, but just from what I could see, I have a mess on my hands. I had already decided we were going to move back into it. I love the location and we will save a fortune in rent compared to the place we’re in now. I never dreamt that he would destroy it. I should have known. He’s the biggest narcissistic sociopath I have ever come across.

When I started this blog about my passive aggressive boyfriend, I stated that I stay for convenience. That even though I’m not getting the sex, love and affection I need, I don’t have time in my life to pursue anything else. He is helpful at times, especially in the past with my mother, and he’s put up with a lot that no other man would have over the last 11 yrs. I am cleaning up old loose ends, getting a couple of businesses going, and I don’t want to have to worry about anything else.

I have decided that even in light of this new found knowledge about him still being married, I am going to go on with things as they have been, for now. This is because it’s easiest for me. It has nothing to do with how he acts, what I feel or don’t feel for him, etc. It has to do with the fact he really doesn’t put demands on me and I could use the help to get moved, do repairs, etc. It’s not a matter of any great love-loss here as much as it is having someone to help share the burden of this next step in my life. I could never do what needs to be done by myself. I’ll worry about the other stuff later.

In the meantime, thank you all for your support and for being here for me. It really means a lot to me, and helps me keep things in perspective. Please feel free to say whatever you have to say. I think about each comment.

Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20’s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?