13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

celebrating our anniversary

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL


I Love A Passive Aggressive BACKFIRE! LOL.

I love a passive aggressive “backfire”. You know, when they do something subtle to irritate us and then it gets them in the end? I have to say it’s really a shame when your life has resorted to such small victories (which mine has), but I love it all the same. LOL.

Last night watching the ball game, the passive aggressive boyfriend says something about the pitcher’s ERA. I said “Now if he could hit” which I’ve heard him say a million times in the last 10+ yrs. He either says that, or if the pitcher is a good hitter, he says “pitchers aren’t supposed to be able to hit” all surprised.

So last night he tells me what I said had nothing to do with what he said and starts explaining to me what the ERA is. I have been watching baseball with him for over 10 yrs. and he always said how he couldn’t believe how “you get it”. Now he acts like I’m an imbecile and he needs to explain.

So, I said I know what an ERA is, if he had said it it would have been fine, but because I said it it “has nothing to do with what he’s talking about”. I gathered my stuff and went to the bedroom to watch TV.

I usually go to be later than he does, so I kept watching what I had started. Our light switch for the 2 lights, one on each side of the bed is on the way into the bedroom.(I know, it’s goofy, but that’s how it is. It’s in the hall.) Normal people would leave the switch on all the time and control the lights by the switch on each one of them. I tried that when we first moved here, but he insisted on trying to control them by the switch, so I gave up.

Last night I had turned the switch on which turned on both lights. That’s how the passive aggressive boyfriend has been using them. When he came to bed, instead of turning the lights out by the switch, he turned off his by the light. Instead of getting up to turn them off at the switch, I turned mine off by the light.

Tonight he went to bed, switched on the switch in the hall, and nothing happened. I watched him switch it off and on a few times before I finally told him why it wasn’t working. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. It’s little, stupid stuff, is why I love when a passive aggressive tactic backfires! LOL.

I need to pay more attention here. I used to write in the mornings when I was fresh and clear, but my mornings have been taken over, so I check in later at night. It took me a few minutes just to get rid of all the spam. Some of it is downright good until I see who is sending it, then I know it’s a ploy. For the rest of you who have been waiting patiently while I approve your comments, thank you so much for your patience, and I am so sorry that it took so long.

God bless you all as I don’t know what I would have done without you all the times I’ve needed to rant or rave and you’re always here for support. Will be better about giving back. Love you.

What Does a Passive Aggressive Do When You Say…

What does a passive aggressive do when you say “I think we are headed in separate directions. We might want to start thinking about going our separate ways”.

Well, I’ll tell you, at least in my case they don’t do much. LOL. I don’t remember what it was that actually got me to that point a couple of weeks ago, but that is what I said. I had had it. I didn’t care what kind of position it put me in. I was done.

The next day things went sort of as usual. A little colder maybe, if that’s possible when you’re living with a passive aggressive, but things didn’t really change. The earth didn’t stop revolving on it’s axis because I had said this, and now 2 weeks later I can’t even remember what brought it about.

What’s funny is that was sort of like throwing “divorce” in someone’s face if you’re married, which we aren’t. I learned through the years that I don’t threaten lightly as it undermines the security of the relationship. When I say we might think about going different ways, and with all the reasons I have for saying that, I can’t believe today I cannot remember why I said it nor can I tell anything is different than it ever was. If you are wanting your passive aggressive to take you seriously, you need to do better than that! No wonder he never hears me!

On a different note, we all know how it is to go without sex when you’re involved with a passive aggressive. The other day on TV it hits the news about these two getting caught having sex at work. The passive aggressive BF says “At work?”

I made a crack about “Yeah, some people actually still enjoy sex, wherever they are”.

I could have bet money because I said that he would make an attempt that night. You know how some people are with their egos.

Sure enough, a little bit into the evening, he hugs me and tells me how ‘special’ I am, how he ‘loves’ me, and what a great person I am. I knew something was off track then. Later that night as he bends down to tell me he’s going to bed, he tells me he’s going to bed naked and I could join him there if I would like to.

OK, so let me get this straight. First I said something that damaged the male ego. Then you started drinking a little earlier than usual. And now by the time you stumble over to kiss me goodnight, I should be anxious to jump into bed with you. I don’t think so.

Needless to say, I stayed up and watched my TV program, which under normal circumstances I would say makes me a bad wife (watching the Good Wife, by the way). As I told him the next morning, had nothing to do with rejecting him. 1) Don’t wait for me to make a crack about sex before having sex with me ever crosses your mind 2) if you have to get that drunk to make love to me, don’t bother.

So, in the meantime, LOL, I like many of you, wait for the perfect time to get out. The time will come. I just don’t want to be like those women that say they have been here 20, 30 years, and hopefully this blog will help those that don’t want to wait as many years as I have.

Passive Aggression Alive and Well Living At My House

Thanks to all of you out there for your comments, yes we have quite a bit in common. Passive aggression is still alive and well living at my house.

Don’t you ever get tired of always having to be the “grown up”? Ever feel like you would like the passive aggressive to take care of you for a change? Or what about “he’s/she’s turned me into such a nag!”

This is one of those days for me. LOL.

Over the last 10 yrs. I’ve probably learned to play as passive aggressively as anyone. Some of the stuff I find rather humorous like the “toilet paper wars” where when the toilet paper is getting to the bottom of the roll, each one uses less and less till someone has to change it.

Or the passive aggressive blind eye to the trash in the house. When my BF and I got together, he informed me taking out the trash was the “man’s job” and it was his job to take the cans out to the street every week. Somewhere since then, I think a little resentment has been brewing. Now the trash in the kitchen overflows, the trash in his bathroom overflows. Most of the time I will just go ahead and take it out, but every once in awhile when I feel it’s not just my job, I dig in my heels and pull the bag up a little more to fit more trash in there, until he takes it out. Sometimes he’ll eventually get around to it, but then gets even by not putting a new bag in. Such is my life. LOL.

All this goes on without any communication on either part.

Then stuff comes along I don’t find quite so humorous. As I stated here before, the BF has finally gone back to work. While essentially that is a good thing, his work weeks are short (so are the paychecks) plus he’s traveling from job to job so we’re going in the hole for gas. At least he’s feeling better about doing something useful again.

My problem is that since he is essentially working part time, he could be getting unemployment to make up the difference. He has not heard a word from them since he filed his form probably 2 to 3 months ago. This is where the passive aggressive behavior comes in. I have asked him over and over to check his status. This is one thing he knows I basically have no control over. While he keeps saying he “forgot”, or will apologize profusely, he still does nothing about it. The other day he even went so far as to pretend he was going to look into it when I mentioned it, but he never did. The one thing I will give him credit for is at least he doesn’t lie to me about it.

He also went to the doctor’s about a month ago. At the time he couldn’t get the lab work done they wanted so he has to go back. This too is something he could easily take care of on one of the days he only works half or one of the days he’s not scheduled to work at all. Once again, something I have no control over. He’s already had a mini-stroke so he knows that it is really important to me that he takes care of himself. This too, he seems to passive aggressively “forget”.

No one likes a nag. I am not normally a nag. I mention something and then I usually let it go, unless it never gets resolved. I would rather someone tell me either they have no intention of doing something at all, ever, or it’s none of my business, than to go through this passive aggressive BS all the time.

As I said, the passive aggression is still alive and well living at my house. LOL

Passive Aggressive, Sociopath, or Both?

passive aggressive manA friend of mine brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago, that she thought the passive aggressive man she’s involved with may be a sociopath. She came to this conclusion after reading an article on the subject.

According to clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor Dr. Martha Stout, about 1 in every 25 people in America is a sociopath. Maybe not the murdering kind, but definitely the kind without social conscience. I have to admit after reading the article and doing the research, I myself can see similarities that could cause one to think this could be one of those over lapping, combo personality disorders. In many instances it looks like the Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder and the Sociopath Personality Disorder could very well go hand in hand.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way or any form a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or any kind of degreed therapist. This is just my personal observation based on my own research. I am not saying that every passive aggressive is a sociopath (although sometimes in my own mind I may think it. LOL).

The Passive Aggressive Personality is usually caused from an environmental dysfunction in childhood such as drug or alcohol addicted parents, or any type of environment where it wasn’t safe for them to express their anger and frustration.  There appears to be evidence however that the upbringing of a sociopath has little or no effect on them. Like a passive aggressive elements of a sociopath’s personality first become evident at a very early age, but they appear to be due to biological or genetic factors. According to the book for medical diagnosis, one can not be diagnosed as a sociopath until the age of 15 or older, yet as stated above, there have probably been signs through out earlier childhood.

Now for some of the similarities. It is truly amazing at different points in the discussion concerning both personality disorders.It’s also pretty scary.

Let’s start with an easy one. Most of us know what makes a sociopath a sociopath is a lack of conscience. According to expert Robert Hare, author of the book “Without Conscience” the sociopath lacks guilt.

They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others.

Passive aggressives also see themselves as victims. Everything that happens to them is someone else’s fault. They cannot feel remorse or empathy for others because they never believe the problem is them.

Lets try another one.  According to the psychopathy checklist of H. Checkly and Robert Hare, a deep seated rage is at the core of the sociopath. They see others around them as targets and opportunities.  With the passive aggressive, they too have a suppressed anger that they have never learned to or been allowed to express openly. This is what leads to the covert abuse and sabetoge of their victims (us).

This is getting kind of long, but lets go for number 3.

According to Martha Stout who wrote “The Sociopath Next Door”, most sociopaths would be described as “the most charming, charismatic, sexiest, or maybe the most interesting” person you ever met. Isn’t that a common reason we end up staying in a marriage or relationship with a passive aggressive for so long? Sure there are exceptions, but for the most part don’t they drive us crazy until we’re ready to walk and then they charm us back in for another period of time? In most cases didn’t we fall in love with them because they seemed so loving, so caring, until we married them or got involved? Doesn’t it really feel a lot of the time that it’s just a game to them? That’s how it is with a sociopath. It is a game. A game purely of manipulation.

There is more, and I may do a part 2 to this, but this is long enough for now. If you like, follow the link above to one of the articles regarding sociopaths and do some of your own comparisons. Then, if you would, come back and share your stories with us. Like I always say, we’re here to learn, get encouragement, and to help each other.

You Might Be A Passive Aggressive If…More Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior

You might be passive aggressive if…
Every time you use the car, you bring it home on “empty” and tell your spouse or partner you swear you didn’t notice.

You might be passive aggressive if…
Your spouse went out without you last night so you vacuum right next to the bed first thing in the morning.

You might be passive aggressive if…
Your spouse always deadbolts the door at night, so you start beating your spouse to it. Then when they are lulled into a false sense of security, you don’t bother to lock anything.

You might be passive aggressive if…
Your spouse leaves the sliding glass door open for the retarded cat to get in and out, so you start locking up that door really early.

You might be passive aggressive if…
Every time your spouse asks you about doing something, or if you did it, your favorite comeback is “I was just going to…”

You might be passive aggressive if…
You’ve eaten a dish your spouse has made for 10 years and never said how much you hate it, but for the same 10 years make beef stroganoff with the “fat noodles” because you know spouse hates them.

You might be passive aggressive if…
You take a shower, rinse your mouth with mouthwash, do all the stuff as if you’re getting ready for a big date, and then go to bed, roll over and go to sleep instead of having sex with your spouse or partner.

You might be passive aggressive if…
You have all the know-how to fix the brakes on the car, say you will, and then wait until your spouse gets in an accident before you actually do it.

You might be passive aggressive if…
Your partner gets up early, fixes a pot of coffee, then no matter what time you get up start cussing if you have to make a pot. When your spouse or partner says they’ll do it you say “I don’t mind, I got it.”

You might be passive aggressive if…
Every time your spouse asks you why the big, heavy sigh, and you say “I didn’t do that”.

You might be passive aggressive if…
You mutter obscenities under your breath, but when asked what you said you say “I didn’t say anything”.

It would sure be a lot easier if they had to wear a sign. If you don’t recognize it, this is a take off from Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if..” and the “Where’s your sign?” Comes from Bill Engvall, another favorite comedian that says stupid people ought to wear a sign. Hope you enjoyed =) This may not be you, but definitely examples of passive aggressive behavior of someone you may know. “They walk among us”. LOL

Leaving The Passive Aggressive- Now What?

angry couple face offI’ve been asked what to expect once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive spouse or partner. Being passive aggressive, they can actually move in two or three different directions, but they are still pretty predictable once you are prepared for all and can figure in which way he/she is moving.

I should warn you that if this is your choice, you should be well prepared ahead of time. The things that are very important to you you should slowly be packing away somewhere so they are easy to move out fast once you break the news. Remember that most stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. Things that belonged to your grandmother cannot. Be real on what you really want and need.

Squirrel some money away. You don’t have to take thousands from the grocery money every month, but $20 here, $20 there, adds up. No matter what they say about “Money not buying happiness” it makes life a whole lot easier if you have some, even if you’re just moving in with family.

If you’re leaving the passive aggressive, you cannot expect him to be co-operative. He may, if he’s the 1st kind I’m going to talk about below, but don’t expect it. He’s used to punishing you for his parents mistakes, he’s certainly not going to be easier on you now that he figures in his mind that you’ve “wronged” him.

1) The first kind of passive aggressive will just pretty basically walk away. Think about it. He was never really connected to you anyway. The reason you’re probably leaving is because there’s no affection any more, no intimacy, not much of anything. It’s a little bruising to our ego that he doesn’t even try to get us back, but it’s the way they are. Even if his heart is breaking inside, you will probably never know it. He would never admit. He’ll not do anything to fix it. He is the victim. This is also one of the ways he figures he can punish you. He just moves on.

2) The second way they can act once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive, is actually rather hostile. You’re the bitch, he could never please you, get your stuff and get out, you can take your stuff, but only your stuff and nothing else. If you remember, almost everything in your marriage that went wrong was “your fault” whether he cheated on you, or constantly belittled you, what ever it was, don’t expect that to change. And don’t expect them to co-operate in any way. Many times they will fight for something during the divorce that they don’t even want, just to keep you from getting it. At least when you get the blame this time, it will have a better ending in sight.

3) Then there’s the passive aggressive that is oh, so sorry. He’ll change. He’ll do what ever you want, just come back home (or let him come home). “I wouldn’t have been that way if you had just…” and it’s still all about what you did wrong. If they agree to change, or see a therapist or what ever it is you’re asking of them, it is usually only a temporary ploy. The same kind of temporary ploy they used to land you in the first place. Once they feel they are back on secure ground, all the changes go out the window.

It is not unusual to be talking about what needs to happen with a passive aggressive, you’re to the point that you’re willing to share a house again, and he will turn the tables on you. All of a sudden, he isn’t sure he wants to come back, or he wants you to concede that most everything is your fault and you will change. Remember, the bottom line of almost any passive aggressive is that everything is always someone else’s fault. They rarely take any responsibility for anything going wrong, in their marriage, in their job, in their lives.

If you have children, you can either expect him to fight for custody, and should he win, within a short time you’ll get the kids most of the time anyway, because generally he doesn’t really want them all the time. He just wants to punish you. Or, he will rarely see them, or be late for every visitation, or call frequently to change plans. Really not much different then when you were married to him and he “forgot” to pick up the kids, etc. The only difference now is you don’t have to live with it 24/7. Don’t think he’s going to be any different once you’ve left him than he always was.

I hope this helps a little. Of course each situation is different because each person is different. These are just the basics. If you have any comments or questions, feel free. The one thing I will say about leaving a passive aggressiveis that once you are out for good, I haven’t known a whole lot of the “escapees” that would go back. LOL