New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

t-shirtHere I am starting the New Year with the same old passive aggressive boyfriend. Like many, I have made my New Year’s Resolutions (although I prefer to look at them as “goals” instead of “resolutions”, hoping that will help me keep them longer). I have also seen where many people declare either a word or a “theme” to live by for the New Year.

I have decided I think, my word or theme shall be “Self”. I am going to be: a little more “Self-loving”, not beat myself up for how other people, namely the passive aggressive, choose to live. I choose to embrace the “three C’s” of Al-Anon which are: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

I plan to be a little more “Self-Indulgent”. Get out and start doing a lot more of the things I like to do and seeing more of the people I want to see.

Being more “Self-Reliant”. When the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together so many years ago, he said he believed the man should do the “man things” of the household like take out trash, do the yard work, etc.  As a response to that, I have found through the years that I have allowed myself to rely on him to do a lot of things I really could do myself. When he doesn’t do them, as we all know most passive aggressives won’t do something when you are relying on them to do it, I would get upset.

I have informed my dear passive aggressive boyfriend that this year, I shall not ask him to do anything I cannot do myself. This will benefit me two-fold. I won’t have to end up being a nag (which I have hated being put in that position), and I won’t keep upsetting myself when he doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do.

On the things I really do want the passive aggressive to do, I ask him every day to please “don’t forget to…” right now, it’s drain the water heater. I have been asking him for almost a week. I haven’t decided on whether I will warn him I am about to “lose it” if he doesn’t get it done, or I’ll just ask him how many more days he thinks I’ll have to remind him before he’ll do it.

Last, but not least, is “Self-Control”. I am taking control of myself. My life, as much as humanly possible. My self-defeating attitudes, spending more time looking at the positives. There are some positives, just most of the time what those are seem to escape me. LOL.

2013 was a very enlightening year for me. I had a melanoma removed, which lucky for me hadn’t spread. I had an EKG which told my doctor I had had a heart attack at some point, though I didn’t know it. (I hadn’t been to a doctor for an actual check-up or anything since about 2000). I feel like I actually got a second chance, or two second chances, to live. This year I will live healthier, count my blessings more, and learn once again to appreciate who I am.

What’s your plan for 2014? What are you going to do in the New Year with the same old passive aggressive? Or maybe your plan is to prepare not start next year the same way?

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Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

Valentine Or Sitting Duck?

heartWhich will you be this year? Will you be the passive aggressive’s Valentine or a sitting duck? To me, this has got to be the passive aggressive’s favorite holiday, right up there with Christmas when it comes to disappointment.

If you and the passive aggressive are on the outs, or you’ve called duck targethim/her out on his/her behavior, this is the perfect time for him/her to sweep you back in. If the passive aggressive is malicious enough, he/she knows how much this day means to you and will use it to hurt you yet one more time.

They say it’s worse to be with someone and still be lonely, than it is to just be alone. I would say that would be the case with most that are married or involved with a passive aggressive. I’ve noticed this year there seems to be a lot of clubs, etc. advertising parties for people who are not someone’s valentine. There’s nothing saying we can’t partake in something like that, celebrating the fact that we’re just alive and full of love ourselves, with or without anyone else.

If you are one in a position that whenever it comes to something special, your passive aggressive lets you down, now is as good a time as any to change that!

pa valentineFirst, don’t expect anything special. This way if he/she screws up it won’t hurt as bad because you weren’t expecting anything special anyhow. If he/she does do something or remembers Valentine’s Day, it will just be icing on the cake, not something you’re depending on.

Second- There’s no law says we can’t do for ourselves what we would have liked someone else to do for us. Pamper yourself. Put everyone on notice you are doing things on this day to love yourself. I know if you have little kids or schedules, there are still things you have to work around, but there’s nothing saying you can’t pick yourself up a bottle of wine, some roses for the bath water, and anything else you want to spoil yourself. Then when you have the time, enjoy it. Remember how much you used to love yourself and how you are so worth it!

Third- You must have single friends or relatives. They probably aren’t loving this day either. See if you can get together for lunch or to do something fun so that you enjoy at least part of your day. It will help going into the evening.

And- If you’re really ambitious, you could bake some cookies and take them to a homeless shelter, or old folks home. Or grab a big bunch of cheap balloons and do the same. To see the light on the faces will fill your heart with so much love, nothing could take that away.

It’s up to you to take the mindset that you need to love yourself. That you are worth loving yourself and being loved by others.  Certainly we can do that for ourselves at least once a year. We have to be pro-active when it comes to the passive aggressive. Otherwise, you’ll just keep drowning.

So, are you going to be a Valentine or a sitting duck?

Changes In The Passive Aggressive Household 2013

celebrate 2013Happy New Year everyone! I hope most of you made it through the holidays unscathed and are now ready to take control of yourself (your life) if nothing else. Something about a new slate for a new year definitely renews the energy, even if it has been several new slates over several new years. Even after all this time, I still have hope. LOL. As Joyce Meyers says “Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, but sooner or later you’re going to have to mow that lawn too.”

Things are about the same with the passive aggressive boyfriend around here. Same little petty stuff. Same passive aggressive behavior. I have gotten much better on calling him on the just so stupid, really blatant stuff. It doesn’t change a whole lot, but he knows I know, and he hasn’t gotten anything over on  me. Some of the things he was soooo blatant on, he’s been trying to correct and not be so obvious, but you know what they say about a lepeord changing his spots. LOL.

I don’t know what the outcome will be from this, but I have turned over the household finances to him. Yep. It’s time the passive aggressive got to stress and worry and figure it out, just like I have all these years. I hear a few of you out there who have “been there, done that” and ended up with a disaster on your hands, but I’m quite optimistic.

Since the passive aggressive is back on unemployment, our great state in all it’s wisdom puts his unemployment money on an ATM card for him instead of mailing a check. Shortly after he got his first money put on the card, I couldn’t help but notice that he hoarded that card as if it was gold plated. That gave me the perfect opportunity to hand over the bills that needed to be paid.

We all know what it’s like to get a passive aggressive spouse, boyfriend, or whatever, do something they don’t want to do. We have been going on this way for about 3 or 4 months now, yet every month I have to “teach” him how to pay each bill. Of course I know the typical passive aggressive behavior would be that he’ll “misplace” bills, forget to pay them, etc. I have an answer for that. The PA knows I keep an index file for tax purposes, so when he pays each bill, he brings me the receipts. If I give him the bills and I don’t get a receipt within a couple of days, I start asking for it. Trust me, there’s a lot less stress just asking for the receipts than it was shuffling everything around. Plus I have a bonus. Because he won’t let go of the card, he grocery shops and cooks most of the time.  SCORE! LOL.

Ok, your turn. How were your holidays (if you celebrate). Rant if you need to. What do you plan for 2013. I changed the poll over on the right hand side.  The answers to the last poll were:

Why Do You Stay W/A PA?

Love  30.14%  (88 votes)

Parent  15.75%  (46 votes)

Finances  38.36%  (112 votes)

health  1.37%  (4 votes)

fear  14.38%  (42 votes)
Total Votes: 292

 

Valentine’s Day- Passive or Aggressive?

vdaypupHey, I’m still here. LOL. I missed a golden opportunity last Monday (still getting settled from the move and all) so I’m going to ask post holiday. How was your Valentine’s Day? Was your passive aggressive passive? or aggressive?

Our Valentine’s Day here was extremely passive. Actually my passive aggressive boyfriend is usually quite romantic. At least when it comes to flowers or candy, etc. As long as it doesn’t include actually touching. LOL. This year with so much going on, the move, the added expense of a lawyer, etc. we just really didn’t have the money to do a whole lot.

I have to confess also. It’s not like I’m “Red hot Mama” anymore when it comes to anything romantic with him. Fair is fair. I wished him a Happy Valentine’s Day and I’m afraid that’s about as good as it got.

Yeah, I probably could have done something special, but why? It seems a little hypocritical when there’s nothing the rest of the time. Oh boy, I can hear the cynicism in my own voice. LOL.

How about you? Did you make dinner reservations? Receive flowers at work? What was your Valentine’s Day like? I’m willing to live vicariously. LOL. Was your Valentine’s Day passive or aggressive?

 

Another Holiday Season With The Passive Aggressive

Here we go. Hold on, its likely to be a bumpy ride. LOL. Here we are into another holiday season with our passive aggressive partners. For those of you who have been strong and smart enough to get out of the situation, you can just “remember when” and be thankful you don’t have to deal with the crap this year. LOL.

Okay everybody, exercise #1- Take a deep breath. In with the good air through the nose, out with the bad air through the mouth. Repeat.

From past performance we already know that whatever we do to make this Thanksgiving nice, given the opportunity the passive aggressive will do what ever they can to thwart our efforts. Being forewarned is being forearmed.

This holiday season our main focus is self-preservation instead of trying to please the passive aggressive. We already know pleasing is almost impossible, but we can take care and please ourselves. First and foremost rule, don’t give the passive aggressive any responsibility that if they should ‘forget’ or screw it up, can have any great impact one way or another on your day.

One thing to understand is by doing everything ourselves, or if you’re having company letting someone bring a dish, etc. it’s not that we’re letting the passive aggressive get away with anything. It is a way for us to have complete control and lessen the odds that we are going to have our day ruined and end up being very upset.

For instance, don’t ask the passive aggressive to pick up the turkey unless you want to take the chance that you won’t have one. Don’t ask him to take it out of the freezer unless you want to try to cook it frozen Thanksgiving Day.

If you’re having company and you ask him or her to do a few things around the house, don’t let it upset you if they don’t get done. You and I both know odds are they won’t. Go into everything you ask the passive aggressive to do with that frame of mind. Ask yourself, ‘now if he/she doesn’t do this, is it important enough to me that I’m going to get really upset?” If the answer is yes, either do it yourself or hire someone to get it done. If it’s not that big of deal, say the lawn doesn’t get mowed or the yard doesn’t get cleaned up, then just make the normal excuses like “Yeah, excuse the yard. I asked him to clean it up but he couldn’t un-glue his butt from the couch during football” or something like that. When dealing with the PA you really have to “pick your battles” so to speak.

This is part of keeping your sanity. If your passive aggressive continually ruins your holidays, and you let the same thing go on year after year, you really only have yourself to blame. I know that sounds harsh, but really, if you get your hand burned on the stove, you don’t keep putting it on there over and over again. Why keep beating your head against the wall?

And if you feel yourself starting to get stressed out because it’s turning into another one of those holidays with the passive aggressive, go back to exercise #1.

Holidays- A Passive Aggressive’s Paradise

fireworksI feel like I owe each of you an apology. I should have warned everyone ahead of time that holidays are a passive aggressive’s paradise. I hope each of you survived the 4th, or for my friends in Canada, the 1st of July. I don’t know about Canada, but for most of us here in the states, the 4th turned into a 3 day weekend, which when you’re involved with a passive aggressive can be way too much time off.

While many of you might not think about the 4th of July as a holiday like you do Thanksgiving or Christmas, it is still a time for the passive aggressive to take center stage in “forgetting”, procrastinating, and anything else that has to do with sabotaging any holiday plans you may have.  Usually I try to put up a pre-holiday reminder to expect this and things to do to keep our cool when it happens. This year, maybe because the passive aggressive BF had Fri. off instead of Monday, I missed it.  Sorry.

For me, as usual when I want something to go exactly as planned, I did all the BBQing and did the salads, etc. The only thing I asked of my passive aggressive was to go pick up charcoal because it’s in twin bags and heavy. Told him exactly where to go and let him know how much it was going to cost. Friday went by, Saturday went by, finally Sunday I asked him again to please go pick it up as I needed it to BBQ that night, and Monday he would be back to work and not feel like picking it up. What I forgot to mention was lighter fluid as to me the two go hand in hand, thankfully we had enough to get through the weekend.

How did you all do? If you celebrate the holiday (US or Canada) have you learned how true the old adage is “if you want things done right, do them yourself”? Or are you one of the lucky ones whose passive aggressive actually helps fulfill holiday plans? Feel free to share in the comments below.