The Female Passive Aggressive

female PA  I don’t get a lot of comments from men here, but I think it’s  definitely worth a mentioning. We don’t have to be romantically involved for a female’s passive aggressiveness to affect us. We have passive aggressive mothers, sisters, girlfriends.

I do have to say though, that I find the m.o. of a female passive aggressive vs. what we women go through with our male passive aggressives, to be quite devastating for the average man.

Now, that’s not to say what happens with women isn’t devastating, but somehow I think we are more equipped to handle what is happening. As women, we get right down to the research, reach out to others for support and understanding. Men aren’t used to working like that, so they have more of a tendency to keep what they are going through private, thus not taking advantage of what support systems they may be able to utilize.

A big disadvantage the man has is that most of them have never understood women period, let alone a passive aggressive woman. Most of them succumb to tears, temper tantrums, because they have no idea what else to do. This makes at least these two expressions of emotion great manipulative tools for a passive aggressive female.

There are two cases I know of that are almost identical. One is from a mother-in-law’s point of view regarding her daughter-in-law, and the other is from a dear friend of mine who got involved with a passive aggressive female a couple of years ago, and hasn’t been sane since. LOL.

In both cases the passive aggressive females had been abandoned by their mothers at a rather early age. One was raised by her relatives, the other by an alcoholic father who decided he really couldn’t take care of her, and abandoned her also. Needless to say, when it came to nurturing, neither of these women received what they needed.

In both cases, neither of the passive aggressive females will go to counseling. My friend’s girlfriend agreed at first (I think just for posterity) but then seemed to keep coming up with excuses not to go.  The therapist ended up quitting on them as she never knew if they were going to show up or not.  Both women seem to be “not” dealing with abandonment issues and are quite needy because of it.

What’s funny to me, is my friend even calls his relationship “crazy-making”, understands that his girlfriend is passive aggressive in “some ways”, but really doesn’t get how incurable it is, especially when she doesn’t want to address any of her issues.

In both cases the passive aggressive female, like the passive aggressive male counterpart, wants to cut off all outside relationships their spouses or Significant Others have. My friend who is a mother-in-law, is lucky if she ever sees her grandchildren. Her son has been so manipulated by his passive aggressive wife, he hardly has anything to do with his mother. When he does, many times it’s backing up his wife’s passive aggressive behavior, hurting his mother even more.  The other passive aggressive female has been trying to build a wedge between my male friend and his mother almost since the very beginning of their relationship. His mother is quite elderly, and he has a very real sense of responsibility toward his mother, so his girlfriend is finding that relationship a little harder to break up.

He and I don’t hardly speak anymore because she was threatened by our relationship.  Passive aggressives usually understand they are being unreasonable and don’t want their spouses or Significant Others talking about their relationship with anyone else. In my male friend’s case, his girlfriend said he should be talking to her instead of me about the things that bother him, which I agree if that’s possible. Yet when he tries, she goes into a huge crying jag, or a screaming match. Then she totally breaks all communication stating if they can’t have the perfect “fairytale” relationship, they shouldn’t have any at all. After 3 yrs. I’m hoping my friend is starting to see that he may be better off letting her go to find that kind of romance, instead of being the brunt of everything bad that ever happens.  There is no way he can ever win with her.

Unfortunately, in both these cases, all the people on the outside can do while getting their hearts broken, is wait for the one in the relationship, be it son, friend, brother, etc., is wait until they’ve finally had enough. As we can see from how long passive aggressive relationships can last just from reading the comments on this blog, that could be a very long time.

 

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Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

Are There More and More Passive Aggressives Out There?

Are there more and more passive aggressives out there, or is it just me?

Hey everyone, I’ve missed you so much since my last post, but have been actually trying to “practice what I preach”. One thing I have found since not posting so often is a lot of the “spammers” are leaving me alone. LOL.

1) I have finally found a new “home” church where I am getting to know people and have some support.
2) I am still struggling with back taxes, getting them caught up, but am getting closer all the time. Getting these done will give me a big portion of control of my life back. Instead of always having “unfinished business” on my brain, I can look forward into the future. Getting these done will also take two tax liens off of my credit file and up my credit score. This is a must if I should end up moving.
3) While I joined our gym here and there are 3 swimming pools, I haven’t been very good about motivating myself to go work out. I really need to lose this extra weight, so instead I joined a group that plays “pickleball” 3 times a week and we’ve been playing “shuffleboard”, the kind that is on the ground. At least I have begun moving instead of just sitting all the time.

Otherwise, my social life is down to nil. I haven’t been any more attentive to my “offline” friends than I have been here, I’m sorry to say. The taxes are so hard, I just concentrate completely on that.

It appears a very dear friend of mine who himself has a tendency to be fairly passive aggressive, has fallen for an old high school girlfriend that he just got re-aquainted with. I have mentioned it to him gently a couple of times, but she seems to be the whole bag of tricks when it comes to being passive aggressive.

She comes from the background of being abandoned by her mother at a young age. Evidently it didn’t take too long for her father who was an alcoholic to decided he couldn’t care for her and her brother by himself. Then later her mother came back into her life. This woman was told not to tell the mother’s boyfriend she was the mother’s child, because the mother didn’t want the boyfriend to know she had kids. Boy, talk about a lack of nurturing being one cause of passive aggressive behavior! Needless to say, abandonment is just one of the issues she has.

I only hear my friend’s side of the story, but I can just imagine what he is putting his girlfriend through also. He, like most passive aggressives, rather than say anything that may cause a fight, will just shut down. I’ve often wondered what happens when 2 passive aggressive partners get together, what the outcome would be, or how it’s even determined. I guess I’ll watch and find out. LOL.

I have approved all comments that were waiting, and will try to respond to as many as possible. Thank you all for your comments and your patience.

Seeing the Passive Aggressive Through “Sweet” Eyes

I found this this morning, and I thought I would post just in case there is someone out there it may help. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and then I will spill mine.

The PA and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Sorry everyone. I thought I had posted this, but I guess I just saved it as a draft. I don’t usually go so long with publishing here. LOL.

All I’ve been thinking about since I ran into this article last weekend in the Sunday USA Today is “Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water…” I was reading an article about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Syndrome). Like most people I thought it applied mostly to people in the military. Wrong. Come to find out, and I feel foolish as I say this out loud that I hadn’t thought of it sooner, it can happen to anyone who has been through any kind of traumatic experience. The only time I had been exposed to this diagnosis was when the father of my kids and I went to marriage counseling and he was diagnosed. I should have had a clue when he told me he had signed up and done 3 tours of active duty in Viet Nam that he was a little “off”, but for as intelligent as I may think I am, sometimes I can be a pretty slow study. LOL.

Outside of the military you would think of this as being associated with things like violent crimes, like rape, etc. What caught my attention was that almost any terrifying event can trigger it, including physical or sexual abuse, or a perceived serious threat to self or others. To be diagnosed according to the DSM (diagnosis guide book) 2 things have to be present.

DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD

A.

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.

2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

Now as we each learn as much as our passive aggressives will let us regarding their past, their growing up years, etc. , that many passive aggressive people have experienced these 2 things. In fact, supposedly in the United States, 60% of men and 50% of women experience a traumatic event during their lifetimes. I can’t believe it’s not more, but these numbers are from the people “in the know”. LOL.

So for instance, my passive aggressive boyfriend was physically abused as a kid, in which I’m sure at times he “feared for his life” and felt completely “helpless”. Then he went to Viet Nam. Feared for his life and the lives of his buddies, saw many of them die, felt “intense fear, helplessness and horror”.

The article goes on to say symptoms may include:

* Having flashbacks, nightmares, bad memories or hallucinations. (I think bad memories are a given. Don’t we all have some bad memories of something?)

* Trying not to think about the trauma or avoiding people who remind them of it. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma; (Does your passive aggressive try to avoid their parent(s) or family functions?)

* Not being able to recall parts of the event

*Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities; Not interested in life events

* Feeling emotionally numb or detached from others. Feeling of estrangement.  Restricted range of affect (for example, unable to have loving feelings); (Sounds so much like the passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/partner).

* Having trouble sleeping

* Being irritable, angry or overly jumpy (This one sound familiar? Sudden outbursts, or jumps to the ceiling every time there is an unusual noise?)

* Being hypervigilant

These symptoms will usually persist for more than a month, which some of them we’ve been living with for years! Once again I cannot believe how many disorders can be all wrapped into one passive aggressive personality.

I’m curious as to what you think? Are you dealing with a lot of this, or nothing other than parents neglect or abuse ever happened to your PA? I’ll tell ya, mine just keeps batting a thousand. LOL

10 Questions- Living With A PA- Part 2

As promised, here’s my “Part 2” to the “10 Questions- How Do You Live With a Passive Aggressive?”

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future? Doing as I am not, living with but apart from him. I like to do a lot of things, many of which he doesn’t care for. He also doesn’t like to leave the house much when he’s off work. I see go out with friends once in awhile, am becoming more involved with the church, etc.

7)  Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be? The only special “understanding” I have is knowing what causes passive aggressive behavior and the common traits. As far as any special “power” I probably have the same “special power” any woman has over a man, sex. LOL. While he may not ever reach for me, he’s never pushed me away.

8)And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth? I maintain a lot of friendships, and I’m not very needy. I have my work that I’m very involved in and I’m always starting new projects or working on cleaning up old ones.

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving). I wouldn’t call it a weakness really. I would say his loyalty, knowing that he would never cheat on me or leave me, that I don’t have to worry about him. I also know that even with the lack of true affection, intimacy, and emotional connection the way we think of emotionally connecting, he would be devastated if I were to leave or throw him out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two? I see us continuing on as roommates into old age. In the beginning I had wanted very much to marry him. Now, even tho we live together I wouldn’t marry him on a bet. LOL. Although if we stay together through “older age”, at some point it may be advantageous for us to get married from a legal, health, or tax standpoint. Marriage does have some privileges. As far as my “needs”, I’ll probably just stay buried in the stuff outside of us rather than in us. I still enjoy his company for the most part, and when we do go out together we have a good time. That’s good for me for now.

There you go. My answers and I’m “sticking to them”. LOL. I welcome all comments so feel free.

10 Questions- How I Live With A Passive Aggressive

hair pulling

Crazy-Making

Ok. As promised here are my answers to the original “10 Questions- How Do You Live With A Passive Aggressive?

Believe it or not, I actually pursued my passive aggressive boyfriend. He was so savvy he didn’t even realize I was hitting on him at first. LOL. I should have got my first clue when it came out that he hadn’t been with a woman (or at least not had a girlfriend) in 5 yrs.

1) How long did it take for you to realize his/her idea of sharing a marriage was different than yours? that he/she was on another wavelength? What was your “aha” moment? I probably knew in the first year or so. I’m one who likes to discuss the future, etc. and I realized we just weren’t headed in the same direction emotionally.

What or how did you feel about that? I was pissed. LOL. I immediately started to detach so I wouldn’t be so emotionally involved.

2) Why do you think this man/woman is in your life? Do you think it was “an act of God” or something in him/her triggered something in you? I do think things happen for a reason. I knew him for about a year before we started dating as he frequented my establishment.

Can you link a trait in you or in him/her that attracted you strongly enough to marry him/her? I think I was attracted to his sense of humor, and I also think there was a physical chemistry there, altho he sort of looks like Garfield. I still enjoy looking at him.

3) How did you deal with the mismatch between your ideal marriage and what you got? was there a learning process? Like I said, I was pissed. I didn’t understand how someone could be so loving and complimentary, etc. one minute but not be able to commit to anything the next.  The learning process was a lot of research concerning passive aggressive behavior,  and to quit looking through “rose-colored glasses.”

4) What would you say is the worst aspect of  being involved with a passive aggressive partner/spouse is? (anger, loneliness, ?) When do you feel it the most? My passive aggressive boyfriend is very inhibited. Raised very strict. Since he is so inhibited, I find myself holding back. Many things I think should be open between a man and a woman in a relationship are not. I probably feel it most when I want to reach out and play with him sexually, which should be great for both of us, but I don’t. In the past I wouldn’t have thought twice.

5) Of all the strategies you’ve tried to change their passive aggressive behavior or your situation, which was the most useful? What was the silliest? I would say the most useful strategy I’ve used is approaching a subject through the “back door” so to speak. We will be talking about something where he feels safe and the conversation is going well. If I get an opportunity to bring up an issue as if it’s flowing free from the conversation we’re having, sometimes we will be able to continue talking instead of him clamming up. The silliest strategy I’ve ever used is threatening him. Instead of trying to change something so I won’t “quit saying I love you” etc., he just accepts it and life goes on as it always has.

I’m going to stop this here for today. It already is getting pretty long and if I finish, we’ll be here all day. LOL. I will put Part 2 up tomorrow morning. I already have it done, so there won’t be any delay, but it makes it double the length, so for now, I know you all have more important things to do. LOL.

Feel free to comment below. I love your input. If you haven’t answered the “10 Questions- How Do You Live With A Passive Aggressive?” yourself feel free to do it now. It’s never too late. LOL