Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

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Latest And Greatest In Passive Aggressive Behavior

My passive aggressive boyfriend has taken a new approach to trying to make me second guess myself, so I thought I would share his latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior.

Any of us involved with a passive aggressive knows how good they are at making us doubt ourselves, second guess ourselves. Somehow everything we thought we knew, we wonder under the passive aggressive’s constant scrutiny, if we ever really knew anything at all.

My passive aggressive boyfriend and I have been together for 13 yrs. now. He is a total sports fanatic, and I’m sure that’s one of the ways I got him (lucky me) was that I knew quite a bit from betting on football, etc.  When we first got together I was very willing to also learn hockey, was already a NASCAR fan, and “got it” when it came to baseball.

Over 13 yrs. I have managed to surprise the passive aggressive  on several occasions that I actually get the strategy of the games, etc. I don’t know if his latest passive aggressive behavior is meant to make me feel stupid, make him feel needed, or just to make him feel like he still has an edge, but I find it utterly ridiculous.

His newest passive aggressive behavior is to use a very uncommon term, (one he hasn’t used in 13 yrs.) for a very common thing, be it a penalty, a point after goal, or what ever.  Of course I’m using the common phrase, and then figuring I missed something, ask him what it is he’s talking about. Then we go round and round and it turns out to be the very thing I said it was to start with.

The latest has been with NASCAR  season starting, we get to talking about the beginning qualifying races that set the field for the Daytona 500. I mention about the first race being the “Bud Shootout”. He says no, the first race is a qualifier and I must have it confused with the “shootout” in hockey. I just knew I was right, and this is something this man has followed like the bible for most of his life.

I went right in to the computer and looked it up. Sure enough, the first race is the Bud ShootOut, then the Gatorade Duals to set the track for Daytona. Until this year, of course. LOL. Now it’s called the “Sprint Unlimited” and the “Bud Duals”. That’s ok. Doesn’t matter. The passive aggressive didn’t know about all the changes yet, so it just goes to show he was just screwing with me to begin with.

I don’t know if after all these years he’s feeling threatened in the one part of the world he was always the expert in or what. I don’t know, maybe he’s afraid he’s losing it. (Have I done that good a job on turning the tables?) Whatever it is, this is the latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior from my PA. Yours trying to play any new tricks on you since you confront him on the others?

 

 

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

tasThe other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this game, the answer is “I don’t know Ladybeams, how deceitful can a passive aggressive be?” My answer is…”Pretty damn deceitful”.

For those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning, I’ve always said that even tho my passive aggressive BF was a passive aggressive, the one thing he had going for him was I could trust him. He was honest and did have integrity. I wasn’t worried about him cheating, etc like a lot of the stories I get here.

Boy was I wrong! We have been together, engaged since shortly after we got together, for 11 yrs. going on 12. I just found out a few nights ago that he is still married to what I thought was his ex-wife. Merry Christmas to me! LOL

Here all this time I thought we were having times like Thanksgiving etc. with his kids and ex-wife. It turns out he was having those times with his wife and his girlfriend! How do you keep a secret like that for so friggin’ long? I’m just incredulous!

The person that accidentally spilled the beans says “Oh they don’t feel like they’re married, blah, blah” like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Ha, ha. Of course I had to ask him about it. He did nothing, said nothing, but hung his head like the usual passive aggressive who gets caught at something stupid. Do to timing, etc. I let him know that it wasn’t over. Then today I mentioned that fact that he thought so little of me, not only could he not come up with something to say for himself, but he thought so little of me he didn’t even bother to apologize.

Head hung low, he says he thought of nothing else for the last 24 hours about how terrible of a person he was. I let him know he was right. I did not do the usual “you are not a bad person”. I said yes, you are.

We have basically only been roommates for a long time as it is, so I’m not really sure what I’m going to end up doing about this, other than make him squirm, but I will deal with it after I truly get done processing it, which I haven’t got there yet.

Okay, So Answer Me This Mr. Passive Aggressive

Okay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive, how come every night that I come out to have dinner with you and watch TV with you, you have to go to bed by about 9:15 pm, but if I’m not out there, you last until after 10:00 pm? Could it be you want me to feel sorry for you now that you’re working? Or is it some kind of revenge? Or is it you don’t like my company, even though you turn up the sound on the programs you know I like just to draw me out of the office? When I bring it up, you deny there being any thought or feeling about it what so ever. How should I take this? Is it truly a coincidence? Or is it true passive aggressive behaviorOkay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive…

Happy Birthday to the Passive Aggressive

Yep, it’s the passive aggressive boyfriend‘s birthday, or it was a couple days ago. We did the whole “cake” thing and all. He was very surprised and in the usual passive aggressive style, very overwhelmed that we would do anything special for little old “unworthy” him.

When it comes to gifts or any kind of fuss made over him, he is extremely modest. I don’t know if growing up as farmers, they never had much so didn’t do much celebrating or what. I noticed when we first started going together that he was genuinely shocked at Christmas that we got him Christmas gifts, etc. We were living together by then so I couldn’t see where there would be any question as to him totally sharing in the Christmas festivities. Yet here we are almost 11 yrs. later, and he hasn’t changed much in that regard at all.

Most passive aggressive people, despite how they may act, have an underlying feeling of not being worthy. I’m sure this comes from the lack of nurturing or love, or from the abuse they have suffered as a child. My passive aggressive boyfriend is now “old” LOL, and it is very hard to undo all the damage done in the past. We have been together almost 11 yrs., as I stated above. In that time I have never called him names, never been abusive, (I know that’s hard to believe if you’ve been a reader of my blog) and always tried to build him up. Yet the abuse he suffered at the hand of his father, even though it was so many, many years ago takes precedence in his personality vs. the recent 11 yrs.

I’m sure one of the reasons for this is the passive aggressive rarely admits there is even a problem, so changing is not even a question. Second, they rarely can pinpoint the abuse or the lack of love and affection that they missed as a child and connect it to the problems they are having today.  In all the years we’ve been together, my BF has only once admitted that his father was abusive and then it was only to say if his father used the same disciplinary tactics today, they would lock him up.  Most passive aggressive people don’t realize that the way they were treated as a child, the very thing that made them passive aggressive, is not normal behavior. It is a “dysfunctional” family in one of the truest senses of the word, but it is “normal” for them. It is so ingrained in them that even after years of a different environment, a different circumstance, the passive aggressive ends up changing the current environment to fit what they are used to instead of changing themselves to fit the new environment, which is why so many partners and spouses end up feeling so frustrated and unloved.

The first step is and probably always will be to admit there is a problem before one can fix it.  For the passive aggressive spouse/partner, that’s a really big first step.

Passive Aggressive, Sociopath, or Both?

passive aggressive manA friend of mine brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago, that she thought the passive aggressive man she’s involved with may be a sociopath. She came to this conclusion after reading an article on the subject.

According to clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor Dr. Martha Stout, about 1 in every 25 people in America is a sociopath. Maybe not the murdering kind, but definitely the kind without social conscience. I have to admit after reading the article and doing the research, I myself can see similarities that could cause one to think this could be one of those over lapping, combo personality disorders. In many instances it looks like the Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder and the Sociopath Personality Disorder could very well go hand in hand.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way or any form a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or any kind of degreed therapist. This is just my personal observation based on my own research. I am not saying that every passive aggressive is a sociopath (although sometimes in my own mind I may think it. LOL).

The Passive Aggressive Personality is usually caused from an environmental dysfunction in childhood such as drug or alcohol addicted parents, or any type of environment where it wasn’t safe for them to express their anger and frustration.  There appears to be evidence however that the upbringing of a sociopath has little or no effect on them. Like a passive aggressive elements of a sociopath’s personality first become evident at a very early age, but they appear to be due to biological or genetic factors. According to the book for medical diagnosis, one can not be diagnosed as a sociopath until the age of 15 or older, yet as stated above, there have probably been signs through out earlier childhood.

Now for some of the similarities. It is truly amazing at different points in the discussion concerning both personality disorders.It’s also pretty scary.

Let’s start with an easy one. Most of us know what makes a sociopath a sociopath is a lack of conscience. According to expert Robert Hare, author of the book “Without Conscience” the sociopath lacks guilt.

They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others.

Passive aggressives also see themselves as victims. Everything that happens to them is someone else’s fault. They cannot feel remorse or empathy for others because they never believe the problem is them.

Lets try another one.  According to the psychopathy checklist of H. Checkly and Robert Hare, a deep seated rage is at the core of the sociopath. They see others around them as targets and opportunities.  With the passive aggressive, they too have a suppressed anger that they have never learned to or been allowed to express openly. This is what leads to the covert abuse and sabetoge of their victims (us).

This is getting kind of long, but lets go for number 3.

According to Martha Stout who wrote “The Sociopath Next Door”, most sociopaths would be described as “the most charming, charismatic, sexiest, or maybe the most interesting” person you ever met. Isn’t that a common reason we end up staying in a marriage or relationship with a passive aggressive for so long? Sure there are exceptions, but for the most part don’t they drive us crazy until we’re ready to walk and then they charm us back in for another period of time? In most cases didn’t we fall in love with them because they seemed so loving, so caring, until we married them or got involved? Doesn’t it really feel a lot of the time that it’s just a game to them? That’s how it is with a sociopath. It is a game. A game purely of manipulation.

There is more, and I may do a part 2 to this, but this is long enough for now. If you like, follow the link above to one of the articles regarding sociopaths and do some of your own comparisons. Then, if you would, come back and share your stories with us. Like I always say, we’re here to learn, get encouragement, and to help each other.