A Passive Aggressive’s Best Friend: The Excuse

planbNotice: Before I get started, I would just like to say for those of you that comment with some elaborate story on how your love life fell apart and you lost your spouse/partner/dog, until you went to some “Spellcaster” and now you’re living happily ever after, don’t bother. I have to approve all comments and I can spot affiliate advertising a mile away. All those comments go right to the trash. If I have readers who actually believe in that stuff, I’m sure they are already Googling it.

It never ceases to amaze me the excuses of the passive aggressive for not doing something. Some things I have been asking my passive aggressive boyfriend to do around here for a solid 2 yrs. I don’t know if he’s run out of excuses and that’s why he’s developed this new technique or what.

Now when I ask him if he thinks he’ll have time to get to such and such, his new thing is “I was going to do that in the morning” or “I was going to do that when it wasn’t so hot” or what ever other “I was going to…” he can come up with.  One day I just said to him “Isn’t it uncanny how our two minds work exactly the same all these times I ask you about taking care of something, and you are always just going to get to it. It’s amazing!”

Sometimes I feel like if I here “I was just gonna do that” one more time, my head will explode! LOL.

Now mind you, my passive aggressive is totally retired and has absolutely no schedule for anything. He reads the paper, does the crossword, and watches whatever sports or sports highlights he can find on TV.  We moved here two years ago, and he hasn’t worked a day, and we are finally down to one moving box that still needs to be broken down and put out for recycling.

I think I get the most bitter about his passive aggressive excuses or not doing something, when it’s something to do with my safety or taking care of me. The headlights on our car were aimed too far down and at night they didn’t illuminate much of the road. We live in a place with no streetlights. I was coming home from a weekly bible study and could have killed myself due to the lack of vision. I had to actually nag and get angry almost everyday to get the passive aggressive to take some action and fix them. It’s times like that that make me realize he really doesn’t care anything about what happens to me.

What kind of excuses for the passive aggressive’s procrastination do you get around your house? Oh yeah, “I forgot” is still prevalent here. LOL

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Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

Valentine Or Sitting Duck?

heartWhich will you be this year? Will you be the passive aggressive’s Valentine or a sitting duck? To me, this has got to be the passive aggressive’s favorite holiday, right up there with Christmas when it comes to disappointment.

If you and the passive aggressive are on the outs, or you’ve called duck targethim/her out on his/her behavior, this is the perfect time for him/her to sweep you back in. If the passive aggressive is malicious enough, he/she knows how much this day means to you and will use it to hurt you yet one more time.

They say it’s worse to be with someone and still be lonely, than it is to just be alone. I would say that would be the case with most that are married or involved with a passive aggressive. I’ve noticed this year there seems to be a lot of clubs, etc. advertising parties for people who are not someone’s valentine. There’s nothing saying we can’t partake in something like that, celebrating the fact that we’re just alive and full of love ourselves, with or without anyone else.

If you are one in a position that whenever it comes to something special, your passive aggressive lets you down, now is as good a time as any to change that!

pa valentineFirst, don’t expect anything special. This way if he/she screws up it won’t hurt as bad because you weren’t expecting anything special anyhow. If he/she does do something or remembers Valentine’s Day, it will just be icing on the cake, not something you’re depending on.

Second- There’s no law says we can’t do for ourselves what we would have liked someone else to do for us. Pamper yourself. Put everyone on notice you are doing things on this day to love yourself. I know if you have little kids or schedules, there are still things you have to work around, but there’s nothing saying you can’t pick yourself up a bottle of wine, some roses for the bath water, and anything else you want to spoil yourself. Then when you have the time, enjoy it. Remember how much you used to love yourself and how you are so worth it!

Third- You must have single friends or relatives. They probably aren’t loving this day either. See if you can get together for lunch or to do something fun so that you enjoy at least part of your day. It will help going into the evening.

And- If you’re really ambitious, you could bake some cookies and take them to a homeless shelter, or old folks home. Or grab a big bunch of cheap balloons and do the same. To see the light on the faces will fill your heart with so much love, nothing could take that away.

It’s up to you to take the mindset that you need to love yourself. That you are worth loving yourself and being loved by others.  Certainly we can do that for ourselves at least once a year. We have to be pro-active when it comes to the passive aggressive. Otherwise, you’ll just keep drowning.

So, are you going to be a Valentine or a sitting duck?

Changes In The Passive Aggressive Household 2013

celebrate 2013Happy New Year everyone! I hope most of you made it through the holidays unscathed and are now ready to take control of yourself (your life) if nothing else. Something about a new slate for a new year definitely renews the energy, even if it has been several new slates over several new years. Even after all this time, I still have hope. LOL. As Joyce Meyers says “Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, but sooner or later you’re going to have to mow that lawn too.”

Things are about the same with the passive aggressive boyfriend around here. Same little petty stuff. Same passive aggressive behavior. I have gotten much better on calling him on the just so stupid, really blatant stuff. It doesn’t change a whole lot, but he knows I know, and he hasn’t gotten anything over on  me. Some of the things he was soooo blatant on, he’s been trying to correct and not be so obvious, but you know what they say about a lepeord changing his spots. LOL.

I don’t know what the outcome will be from this, but I have turned over the household finances to him. Yep. It’s time the passive aggressive got to stress and worry and figure it out, just like I have all these years. I hear a few of you out there who have “been there, done that” and ended up with a disaster on your hands, but I’m quite optimistic.

Since the passive aggressive is back on unemployment, our great state in all it’s wisdom puts his unemployment money on an ATM card for him instead of mailing a check. Shortly after he got his first money put on the card, I couldn’t help but notice that he hoarded that card as if it was gold plated. That gave me the perfect opportunity to hand over the bills that needed to be paid.

We all know what it’s like to get a passive aggressive spouse, boyfriend, or whatever, do something they don’t want to do. We have been going on this way for about 3 or 4 months now, yet every month I have to “teach” him how to pay each bill. Of course I know the typical passive aggressive behavior would be that he’ll “misplace” bills, forget to pay them, etc. I have an answer for that. The PA knows I keep an index file for tax purposes, so when he pays each bill, he brings me the receipts. If I give him the bills and I don’t get a receipt within a couple of days, I start asking for it. Trust me, there’s a lot less stress just asking for the receipts than it was shuffling everything around. Plus I have a bonus. Because he won’t let go of the card, he grocery shops and cooks most of the time.  SCORE! LOL.

Ok, your turn. How were your holidays (if you celebrate). Rant if you need to. What do you plan for 2013. I changed the poll over on the right hand side.  The answers to the last poll were:

Why Do You Stay W/A PA?

Love  30.14%  (88 votes)

Parent  15.75%  (46 votes)

Finances  38.36%  (112 votes)

health  1.37%  (4 votes)

fear  14.38%  (42 votes)
Total Votes: 292

 

13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

celebrating our anniversary

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

tasThe other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

New Passive Aggressive Behavior Unpredicted

Since we moved, I have run up against a new passive aggressive behavior that I never predicted. The passive aggressive boyfriend appears to be afraid to leave the house! What the heck? This place is terrific, and every time I venture out I explore a little more, learn more where things are located, etc. I am truly shocked. When we moved to our last place, it was him that learned his way around first, and quickly. I mentioned him going for a Sunday paper the other day and he says he’s “still kind of nervous”.

My mistake I guess was buying his beer and cigs. He really hasn’t had to leave the house, but I won’t make that mistake again. We are so centrally located, he almost couldn’t get lost.

What the passive aggressive has managed to accomplish with this new behavior is that now one of the things he used to do for me without a moment’s thought, has turned into one more thing that I do.  He has applied for work here, but he hasn’t even ventured out to see where it is. Since he could apply on line he figures that’s all he has to do for now I guess.

Is this how a passive aggressive turns into a recluse? I’m really worried about him. My job now is to come up with ways to get him out of  the house, at least for awhile. As I said, this is one passive aggressive behavior I never would have predicted.