New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

t-shirtHere I am starting the New Year with the same old passive aggressive boyfriend. Like many, I have made my New Year’s Resolutions (although I prefer to look at them as “goals” instead of “resolutions”, hoping that will help me keep them longer). I have also seen where many people declare either a word or a “theme” to live by for the New Year.

I have decided I think, my word or theme shall be “Self”. I am going to be: a little more “Self-loving”, not beat myself up for how other people, namely the passive aggressive, choose to live. I choose to embrace the “three C’s” of Al-Anon which are: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

I plan to be a little more “Self-Indulgent”. Get out and start doing a lot more of the things I like to do and seeing more of the people I want to see.

Being more “Self-Reliant”. When the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together so many years ago, he said he believed the man should do the “man things” of the household like take out trash, do the yard work, etc.  As a response to that, I have found through the years that I have allowed myself to rely on him to do a lot of things I really could do myself. When he doesn’t do them, as we all know most passive aggressives won’t do something when you are relying on them to do it, I would get upset.

I have informed my dear passive aggressive boyfriend that this year, I shall not ask him to do anything I cannot do myself. This will benefit me two-fold. I won’t have to end up being a nag (which I have hated being put in that position), and I won’t keep upsetting myself when he doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do.

On the things I really do want the passive aggressive to do, I ask him every day to please “don’t forget to…” right now, it’s drain the water heater. I have been asking him for almost a week. I haven’t decided on whether I will warn him I am about to “lose it” if he doesn’t get it done, or I’ll just ask him how many more days he thinks I’ll have to remind him before he’ll do it.

Last, but not least, is “Self-Control”. I am taking control of myself. My life, as much as humanly possible. My self-defeating attitudes, spending more time looking at the positives. There are some positives, just most of the time what those are seem to escape me. LOL.

2013 was a very enlightening year for me. I had a melanoma removed, which lucky for me hadn’t spread. I had an EKG which told my doctor I had had a heart attack at some point, though I didn’t know it. (I hadn’t been to a doctor for an actual check-up or anything since about 2000). I feel like I actually got a second chance, or two second chances, to live. This year I will live healthier, count my blessings more, and learn once again to appreciate who I am.

What’s your plan for 2014? What are you going to do in the New Year with the same old passive aggressive? Or maybe your plan is to prepare not start next year the same way?

Random Thoughts (About the Passive Aggressive) For the New Year

In the midst of trying to find a new place to live by the end of this month, I haven’t been writing much, but do come through and approve the comments so they can be seen, and thank you all so much for the help you give each other.

My oldest daughter was up for a visit after the holiday. We were talking about the passive aggressive boyfriend when she asked me “Don’t you think you’re a little passive aggressive also?”

I said “I’m sure I am to a certain extent. It rubs off on you, you know”. LOL

Thinking about moving, normally I would think this would be a great time for the passive aggressive and I to part ways. Unfortunately, due to finances we will be going together. I have been asking all along how he felt about where to move to and couldn’t get anything out of him. I finally told him I thought we would move closer to my kids (8 hours away) since he doesn’t keep in touch with his kids (2 hours away) anyway. That finally got an opinion out of him. Supposedly he really loves where we are, and we should look here first.

If anyone doesn’t know from my writing, or my answers to some of the comments, I am a Christian. (I try to get better at it all the time. LOL). My passive aggressive and I have been “living together” for 11 yrs. Since all we are is platonic roommates, are we still “living in sin”? Question for my Pastor I guess.

Rereading the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” these days. Like many of you I found myself in a rather deep depression with very defeatist thoughts. It’s time to lift my spirit back up to where it belongs, remind myself of all I’m capable of.

Thinking of moving this blog. WordPress is very restrictive on what it will and will not allow. I’m thinking about just buying my blog name in a domain name and moving it to a different server. Then people would just type in the name of the blog without the “wordpress” .com. What do you think? I know I would lose some people, which I would hate, but it would be a rather slow transition so people would know where we moved to to continue the conversation.

So how is your New Year starting out? Anyone make any life changing desicions? We have a whole clean slate out ahead of us. Let’s see what we can make of it!

Happy New Year Every One!

May last year be the worst year ever and the New Year bring an abundance of blessings your way!

Happy New Year

For You!

New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

Typical PA New Year

Imagine That!

New Year, same old passive aggressive. That pretty much says it all doesn’t it? We have 1 more day of 2009. I was talking to a friend earlier about what she’s going through right now and giving the rah-rah speech for the New Year, and decided I really needed to put that here.

First, before that, I would like to thank all of you who have shared your lives with me and let me share my life with you. I have to say, I don’t know what I would have done without you. (Maybe be as crazy as everyone “thinks” I am. LOL). You have honored me with your comments, glimpses into your lives, and I am forever grateful. Thank you for sharing one of the toughest years of my life with me. You know that “self-esteem file” I was telling you to build? I have added so many of your well wishes and caring to mine. I have made some truly great friends here, pissed off a few, and new people in our situation join us all the time. May God Bless us Every One! (even if you’re atheist you can’t hate Tiny Tim. LOL).

So now, on with getting out the old and bringing in the new! I always feel, especially if it’s been a really hard year, that January 1 brings a whole new chance. A new chance to get it right. A clean slate to put things how we want them to be vs. how they are. Sure, we’re starting the New Year with the same old (damn) passive aggressive that we ended last year with, at least most of us, but it’s a time for new beginnings. We can make changes! We have the Power! LOL.

No matter where you are right now, you have the power to make changes. Even if you are not at the point of leaving your passive aggressive, you can make new goals (not resolutions because we all know those are meant to be broken) for empowering ourselves in the new year.

1) We can make a goal right here and now to start looking out for us. We can draw up a plan just like you would any other goal. The goal might be:

To feel better about myself and have plenty of self-esteem by this time next year.

Then you draw the steps you need to take, kind of like an outline:

1) make a lot of new friends.  Get involved. This may be by joining a class, getting more involved in your church, doing more at your kid’s school. There are numerous things you can start with. Just make it something you enjoy so you will want to do it again.You don’t have to tell everyone you meet about your situation. Take this time to forget about it. Take this time to feel rejuvenated.

2) I’m aware of his/her tactics. I won’t let him/her get to me. This will save me so much stress. If I just let it roll off, which takes practice, like water on a ducks back, I will feel better and his antics will be futile.

3) I will pick my battles. If it’s something senseless I will just let it slide. If it’s important, I will ask him/her what the train of thought is. I will tell him/her I am trying to understand what they were thinking when they ________. (I personally love this one. LOL).

4) I will try to see the humor in what my passive aggressive is doing. Instead of it upsetting me, I will think like I am a stand up comic and he/she is just giving me new material. (If you need help with this one, look up the movie with Tom Hanks and Sally Field. I can’t remember the name of it right now, but it will do your heart good plus give you a few pointers).

Ok. You have the idea. Make it according to what is good for you. Carry this with you so it’s handy to pull out any time you need it. We may have to end the old year with some of the same old stuff, but we don’t have to have it do the damage to us that it did in the past. Thank God for a new year, a new chance, and a new slate to write our futures on! I love New Year’s Day!

If you care to leave your New Year’s goals, I’d appreciate it. You may have some we can adopt. We can all use all the help we can get. LOL.

Sharing Passive Aggressive Holiday Stories

wrapping paper mess

Aftermath of Christmas

I thought sharing passive aggressive holiday stories might be fun, or at the very least, therapeutic.

My kids are home for Christmas and they think I’m a little nuts because they don’t really understand true passive aggression. Of course that’s the passive aggressive’s aim isn’t it, to make everyone think we’re the ones who are nuts? The other night they said I claim everything the passive aggressive BF does is passive aggressive. I told them “Not everything, but pretty close” and then proceeded to point out exactly what had happened Christmas Eve.

The PA BF was pre-cooking some of the veggies for Christmas dinner Christmas Eve day.  (Yeah, he cooks and he cooks really well. LOL) It starts getting around dinner time, the kids are asking when we’re going to eat or what we’re having for dinner. I ask the BF when he thinks he’s going to be done because the natives are getting restless. He says about 10 to 20 minutes. No big deal. I go back to work, the kids go back to visiting with each other and watching some tv.

After about a half hour one of the kids asks if we’re going to start dinner anytime soon. I go out to the kitchen, everything’s turned off and the passive aggressive BF is sitting in our room watching TV. He never even let me know he was done, let alone that he wasn’t cooking dinner. When I say something to him, he says “well if I’m doing it, what am I doing?” Now the funny part of this is he’s the one that went to the store and picked up what we were having for dinner. We had discussed it, he went and got it, and then it’s like there is some big surprise! Then I’m just being a, well, you know. We did make it through Christmas pretty much unscathed.

I changed the poll on the right-hand side today. The results of the last poll were 50% of you said you think of leaving your passive aggressive spouse or partner everyday, 42% said you think about it but are still hoping to work things out, and 8% say you’ll never give up. Now as we get past Christmas, what are your plans for the new year?

I also know that for many of us, the holidays were just the “icing on the cake” so for many of you I have put up a new “gift page”.  I have loaded John Shore’s series of  “Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships” and a book by the people at Creative Conflicts on “Leaving A Passive Aggressive Relationship”.  My sincere thanks to them for letting me share with you and, my gift to you for sharing my life and yours. You can get them at the Free Gift tab on top of the blog.

Any stories you want to share? Any plans for the new year? Feel free to share what’s happening with you in the “leave a comment” section below.

Humor, Holiday Blues, And Passive Aggressives

PA Christmas

Ever wish...? LOL

Humor, holiday blues, and living with a passive aggressive husband, wife or child. You have to have a sense of humor, because you get the holiday blues, because of  coping with a passive aggressive spouse. They just seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? LOL.

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, be it Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or many other celebrations I know nothing about, if you’re already having problems in a relationship, there is nothing like this time of year to accentuate it. Between the stress of Christmas shopping, not enough money, normal depression over your relationship, and having to deal with family members, it can all seem like it’s crashing in around you.  So My Dears, I am here with ammunition to fight back! No matter what kind of situation you’re in right now, this can be the time to mark the end of a bad year and a stepping stone into the future of good years. Who says we have to wait for New Year’s Day?

My Tips For Beating the Holiday Blues

1) Don’t fight it! All of us at sometime have just wanted the holidays to be over, kicking and screaming all through the season. It doesn’t seem to work. No matter what we do, we’re still faced with it at some point. So, instead of fighting it, get into it. It’s not about the money and the gifts. It’s about the love and the Spirit.  If you don’t have it, get around people that will share theirs. Remember what it was like as a kid, and if you have bad memories from childhood, then make some new good ones. I know. It all sounds easier said than done right? Who wants to be “merry-making” when you feel like crap? That’s when we need it the most. Go for it.

2) “Sing joyful noise unto the Lord”. This is one of my favorite scriptures and one of my favorite tips. (Just as a side note, I could never understand with this being a well known scripture, why church hymns sound so depressing. I’m so glad they’ve started introducing contemporary music). Anyway, hardly anything will do your heart as much good as music. Whether you’re singing the corny Christmas carols, rocking to your favorite heavy metal, or twanging to a little country, it can’t help but lift you up and help you avoid depression.

3) Humor, once again is another old friend when it comes to managing holiday stress. Many of us find it difficult to laugh at our passive aggressive spouse’s behavior because the resentments and the wounds sometimes go to deep, but you can still laugh at other things. If nothing else go to YouTube and search “funny” or “comedy” movies. Not everyone’s sense of humor is the same, as I found out when I posted the video in my last post and had 2 people “unsubscribe” lol, but there is bound to be a couple on there you would enjoy. The thing that’s nice about YouTube is they’re usually pretty short, so it doesn’t take a lot of time out of your day to get a laugh or two.

4) Be realistic in your expectations. If you’re involved with someone who has a passive aggressive personality disorder, you are never going to get that “perfect Christmas” or holiday. Many of us get the blues and depression during the holidays because we think we’re missing out on something that goes on in “normal people’s lives” and in “normal” families. Just what is “normal” anyway? For us, normal is what we live every day. It’s normal for us. If you’re not happy with it during the rest of the year, you’re not going to be happy about it now.

It’s up to you to change it for you. It’s still magic and now we’re older and probably have a better sense of what  it truly means than we ever did. Make some new traditions, help somewhere where you’re needed by volunteering. Nothing makes you feel better than knowing you did something really good for someone else who really needed the help. Most of all, remember that this is time you will never get back. Let’s make a pact right here that we are not going to allow our passive aggressive spouses, partners, in-laws, co-workers, children, or anyone else spoil it for us, including ourselves.

If you’re depressed, or more angry than usual, feel free to get it out right here, like an emotional dump. Then enjoy how much better you feel and carry that with you. If you have any holiday tips of your own on how you manage the stress of the season, please share them. We can all use the help with our sense of humor, holiday blues, and passive aggressives! LOL.

New Year-Old Passive Aggressive

Okay, it’s a New Year, a new slate to write our story, and what are we going to do differently this year to make it different from last year? As they say “You can’t do the same things again and again and expect different results”.

My passive aggressive BF’s new outlet is the family dog. We have this goofy little chihuahua we adopted (was dropped on us) that must have been mistreated by a skinny older man that probably wore a hat. He barks at the BF more when he wears a hat than when he doesn’t, and he barks at the guy who lives out back, who is also older and medium built. The BF hates it that the dog barks at him when he comes in the door, etc. so now he purposely antagonizes him a bit. Of course he never admits it, but I see it when he walks toward the dog, or stands there to have him bark vs. doing what ever he was going to do. It’s gotten to the point now where I start mentioning it because if I let it go, the poor dog is totally defenseless.

Now onto what we have to think about in the New Year.

Life is About Choices and the Decisions We Make

Life is like a road. There are long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight paths. In our life many roads would come our way as we journey through life. There are roads that lead to a life of single blessedness, marriage, and religious vocation. There are also roads that lead to fame and fortune on one hand, or isolation and poverty on the other. There are roads to happiness as there are roads to sadness, roads towards victory and jubilation, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment.

Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. The most perplexing road that you would encounter is a crossroad. With four roads to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we would choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?

There are no guarantees. Whether we stay the same or change things, either way we have no way to know how it will work out.

You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time would always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it would be returned. Anyone living with a passive aggressive spouse or partner knows how that is. Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness. Accepting a good word from an influential superior to cut your trip short up the career ladder is not always bad, especially if you are highly qualified and competent.  There are too many possible outcomes, which your really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations.

When we make wrong decisions we always have 20/20 hindsight.

Had you known that you were making a wrong decision, would you have gone along with it? Perhaps not, why would you choose a certain path when you know it would get you lost? Why make a certain decision if you knew from the very beginning that it is not the right one. It is only after you have made a decision and reflected on it that you realize its soundness. If the consequences or outcomes are good for you, then you have decided correctly. Otherwise, your decision was wrong.

Take the risk: decide.

Since life offers no guarantee and you would never know that your decision would be wrong until you have made it, then you might as well take the risk and decide. It is definitely better than keeping yourself in limbo. Although it is true that one wrong turn could get you lost, it could also be that such a turn could be an opportunity for an adventure, moreover open more roads. It is all a matter of perspective. You have the choice between being a lost traveller or an accidental tourist of life.  But take caution that you do not make decisions haphazardly. Taking risks is not about being careless and stupid. Here are some pointers that could help you choose the best option in the face of life’s crossroads:

· Gather as much information as you can about your situation.

You cannot find the confidence to decide when you know so little about what you are faced with. Just like any news reporter, ask the 5 W’s: what, who, when, where, and why. What is the situation? Who are the people involved? When did this happen? Where is this leading? Why are you in this situation? These are just some of the possible questions to ask to know more about your situation. This is important. Oftentimes, the reason for indecision is the lack of information about a situation.

· Identify and create options.
 
What options does the situation give you? Sometimes the options are few, but sometimes they are numerous. But what do you do when you think that the situation offers no options? This is the time that you create your own. Make your creative mind work. From the most simplistic to the most complicated, entertain all ideas. Do not shoot anything down when an idea comes to your head. Sometimes the most outrageous idea could prove to be the right one in the end. You can ask a friend to help you identify options and even make more options if you encounter some difficulty, but make sure that you make the decision yourself in the end.

· Weigh the pros and cons of every option.

Assess each option by looking at the advantages and disadvantages it offers you. In this way, you get more insights about the consequences of such an option.

· Trust yourself and make that decision.

Now that you have assessed your options, it is now time to trust yourself. If you’ve been involved with a passive aggressive spouse or partner for very long, you may find this very hard to do. Remember that there are no guarantees and wrong decisions are always at hindsight.  So choose… decide… believe that you are choosing the best option at this point in time.

Now that you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.

No matter what decisions you make, make them from a place of strength and feel good about them. The only way to really do that is to have all the facts about where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going.