Changes In The Passive Aggressive Household 2013

celebrate 2013Happy New Year everyone! I hope most of you made it through the holidays unscathed and are now ready to take control of yourself (your life) if nothing else. Something about a new slate for a new year definitely renews the energy, even if it has been several new slates over several new years. Even after all this time, I still have hope. LOL. As Joyce Meyers says “Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, but sooner or later you’re going to have to mow that lawn too.”

Things are about the same with the passive aggressive boyfriend around here. Same little petty stuff. Same passive aggressive behavior. I have gotten much better on calling him on the just so stupid, really blatant stuff. It doesn’t change a whole lot, but he knows I know, and he hasn’t gotten anything over on  me. Some of the things he was soooo blatant on, he’s been trying to correct and not be so obvious, but you know what they say about a lepeord changing his spots. LOL.

I don’t know what the outcome will be from this, but I have turned over the household finances to him. Yep. It’s time the passive aggressive got to stress and worry and figure it out, just like I have all these years. I hear a few of you out there who have “been there, done that” and ended up with a disaster on your hands, but I’m quite optimistic.

Since the passive aggressive is back on unemployment, our great state in all it’s wisdom puts his unemployment money on an ATM card for him instead of mailing a check. Shortly after he got his first money put on the card, I couldn’t help but notice that he hoarded that card as if it was gold plated. That gave me the perfect opportunity to hand over the bills that needed to be paid.

We all know what it’s like to get a passive aggressive spouse, boyfriend, or whatever, do something they don’t want to do. We have been going on this way for about 3 or 4 months now, yet every month I have to “teach” him how to pay each bill. Of course I know the typical passive aggressive behavior would be that he’ll “misplace” bills, forget to pay them, etc. I have an answer for that. The PA knows I keep an index file for tax purposes, so when he pays each bill, he brings me the receipts. If I give him the bills and I don’t get a receipt within a couple of days, I start asking for it. Trust me, there’s a lot less stress just asking for the receipts than it was shuffling everything around. Plus I have a bonus. Because he won’t let go of the card, he grocery shops and cooks most of the time.  SCORE! LOL.

Ok, your turn. How were your holidays (if you celebrate). Rant if you need to. What do you plan for 2013. I changed the poll over on the right hand side.  The answers to the last poll were:

Why Do You Stay W/A PA?

Love  30.14%  (88 votes)

Parent  15.75%  (46 votes)

Finances  38.36%  (112 votes)

health  1.37%  (4 votes)

fear  14.38%  (42 votes)
Total Votes: 292



After Leaving The Passive Aggressive…

Good morning! I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have a song for just about everything I do in life. Marg submitted the video and lyrics below, and I thought it was so appropriate, I decided to re-post it here. Enjoy=)

“Somebody That I Used To Know”
(feat. Kimbra)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

(I used to know)
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)

How To Tell If A Passive Aggressive Is Lying…

I have come to the conclusion if you want to know if a passive aggressive is lying, you just have to see their lips are moving. (Judge Judy says the same about teenage children. LOL)

I thought my passive aggressive boyfriend (roommate) had pretty much done the worst he could do when he hadn’t told me after being together for 11 yrs. that he was still married, but with a passive aggressive the “hits just keep on coming”.

Any of you who have been with me for any length of time know we just moved down to SoCal recently. When we got down here the PA’s employer decided they didn’t have any work for him down here, so I told him to file for unemployment. Of course that took some time, and some nagging, but he finally did it. While we’re trying to get some work going down here, and he’s supposedly looking for work, we’ve been living on my mother’s social security. As you can imagine, it’s not much for 3 people with bad habits. LOL. Any money from unemployment would be a plus.

They say in California it takes about 10 days to start drawing benefits. OK. I’m resourceful. We can live until then. So, after 10 days I am checking the mailbox, getting on the passive aggressive to call the benefits office to find out where his check is. Every day he tells me he can’t get through, not on the recorder number and not on the main number. He actually has me listen because I can’t believe that you can’t get through on a recorded number that is supposed to give information 24/7.

Finally, the passive aggressive gets up one morning, bright and early and drives to an office in another town a short ways from us. He comes back and tells me they’ve docked him 5 weeks because they are saying he’s the one that terminated employment. I ask him if he explained circumstances, etc. He says he did but they didn’t care.

When the second person I told about this mentioned an appeal process, I decided to look into it myself. I pull up the info on how to appeal and it says you have 20 days from the “Determination Letter” you receive from them. So I start asking the PA if he ever got this letter. He’s hem-hawing around, and finally asks me why. I explain I’m working on an appeal, and he finally breaks forth with the truth.

All this time while I’m checking the mailbox and on his butt to call the unemployment office, he had received a determination letter that said they were docking him 5 weeks because he got overpaid in April 2010. It had absolutely nothing to do with his employer. He had already appealed, without me knowing it, and he didn’t want to tell me because he “didn’t want to complicate things any further”.

I came unglued!! Complicate things any further? So it’s easier letting me think there’s a check coming that isn’t, and lying to me every day about not knowing why it’s not here? Instead of telling me it’s not coming and letting me figure something else out, just let me keep hoping every single day it was in the mail?

I must have called him everything in the book, language I haven’t used in a long time came spilling out of my mouth. (Going to church today to ask for forgiveness. LOL). I told him it was obvious he had absolutely no integrity, which I should have known after the “wife” incident, but I never guessed that he was still lying straight to my face, about our every day life!

I told him to go home to his eldest son’s. Of course I know that won’t happen right now, and I really don’t want it to right now until I have a little more income on my end coming in, but this definitely did it. We are through! From now on it will be my total concentration to figure how to make extra cash, where I can pull money from to put in savings, all building to a life without him. I’ll get there.

Problem Solving With The Passive Aggressive

Problem solving with the passive aggressive, their answer? Wait long enough someone or something else will take care of it.

I just realized looking at my posting, it seems my life has so gotten in the way that I’ve only been posting about once a month lately, although I have approved comments and made some comments of my own more often than that. I cannot believe how life just passes one by so fast, and so much time I can never get back.

Hear that people? Every day that you spend being miserable is a day you will never get back! Scary thought isn’t it? Especially when you think about the fact that we all have an “expiration date” even if we don’t know when it is. What would you do if the date on the bottom of your foot was, oh let’s say, 9/15/2011 (because we know almost everything is the first, the middle, or the end of the month. LOL)?

Okay, so on with what I was here to talk about. (I am still here, lurking in the shadows, paying attention. Oh, wait a minute, that sounds kind of creepy. LOL)

For those of you who had read my post about “How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?” about my passive aggressive boyfriend not telling me for 11 yrs. that he was still married, that problem has been solved.

I wish I could say by him, but that’s not the case. He, in his typical passive aggressive behavior fashion, never did a thing to set things right after I found out the truth. Unfortunately, his wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s at a memorial for her today. I say unfortunately because I actually liked her. I knew her before I knew he and her even knew each other, let alone had been married. I would have gone also, but I have a lady I watch out for that was expected home from the hospital today, and I have my mother here with me, which I could not leave for that extended length of time. One of the reasons they had split was because she had cheated on him, amongst other things. I have since learned a couple of other females he had been very involved with had left also. While anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows I don’t condone cheating, with “walking in her shoes” I do understand it.

He has told his kids he needs a copy of the death certificate. My curiosity has me wondering what he plans to do with it. I am surprised he even thought enough to do that. As you all know, the passive aggressive doesn’t usually think that far ahead.

Now, where do I stand? Do I want to marry him if he should be dumb enough to ask? The answer would be an obvious “no”. It’s too late now. He should have married me before I put the “I can see you’re very passive aggressive” glasses on. LOL. (The rose-colored ones wore out).

But, at the same time, I’m having a hard time because I’ve been “living in sin” for 11 yrs. At the same time, we don’t have sex, rarely even sleep in the same bed, so is that the same as really “living in sin”? I’ve told him and you how we’re really just roommates. (If you live with someone and you’re not married, I am not against that. I am not judging anyone here. This is my own thing). Who would really be dumb enough to actually marry a passive aggressive when they know that’s what they are? NOT! LOL.

So we go on as we are, until things are situated and he can go his way and I can go mine. Like many of you who feel trapped by finances, etc. I understand completely, but he does know, or at least I’ve told him, once things are taken care of, we’re done. In the meantime he buries his proverbial passive aggressive head in the sand as if everything is just fine.

What worries me is there are a couple of things I have to count on him for, so will he make excuses because he knows that? Or will he try harder hoping to make up for the passive aggressive behavior in the past? So far it’s not looking so good. LOL

The Passive Aggressive Covertly Rebels

He doesn’t tell me that he resents the hell out of me because I work from home, but he is a passive aggressive that is covertly rebelling. LOL.

I don’t know how many of you have had teenagers, but when they rebel, it’s pretty open and you deal with it. When a passive aggressive rebels it’s very covertly, and you either miss it or you figure out how to deal with it as it comes. My passive aggressive, I just let him know I’m on to him.

We have a deal, so to speak. First off, he’s the one that let me know when he first moved in with me, taking out the trash was a “man” thing. Ok. I was raised like that. Except the last several years has been a “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll get in the morning” sleep through the morning, I take out the trash. Then it’s “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll take it out in the morning” “Yeah, but you don’t get up in the morning so maybe you should put it out tonite”. Sigh, sulk, do it. Or…not do it and the famous passive aggressive “Oh I forgot. I’m such an idiot” (head hanging low thing).

Since the passive aggressive BF has been working, there has been basically an unspoken rule that when he’s off on the weekends he cooks and does the dishes, and I work. This last weekend I guess he decided he didn’t like that arrangement. I did all the grocery shopping and said about it would be great if he cooked blah, blah, blah. All he had to do was cook and it’s in a crockpot, so it’s not that tough. Evidently he didn’t appreciate cooking Saturday nite because the dishes stayed in the sink from Saturday, Sunday until I did them Monday morning. I had put all the food away, emptied the dish drain, etc. All he had to do was the little bit of dishes and cook Sunday nite, which he usually does. Evidently that was too much.

I would rather he just bitched at me so I could respond instead of this stupid, passive aggressive stuff. I treat him as if he works his butt off all week and he takes first priority over everything. The truth is he barely works part time and he has plenty of time off, so you would think the weekend wouldn’t kill him!

God forbid we should interrupt football for chores. By the way, my rear view mirror is hanging from the windshield absolutely useless, (he usually fixes it) because the passive aggressive covertly rebels.

Passive Aggressive, Sociopath, or Both?

passive aggressive manA friend of mine brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago, that she thought the passive aggressive man she’s involved with may be a sociopath. She came to this conclusion after reading an article on the subject.

According to clinical psychologist and former Harvard Medical School instructor Dr. Martha Stout, about 1 in every 25 people in America is a sociopath. Maybe not the murdering kind, but definitely the kind without social conscience. I have to admit after reading the article and doing the research, I myself can see similarities that could cause one to think this could be one of those over lapping, combo personality disorders. In many instances it looks like the Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder and the Sociopath Personality Disorder could very well go hand in hand.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way or any form a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or any kind of degreed therapist. This is just my personal observation based on my own research. I am not saying that every passive aggressive is a sociopath (although sometimes in my own mind I may think it. LOL).

The Passive Aggressive Personality is usually caused from an environmental dysfunction in childhood such as drug or alcohol addicted parents, or any type of environment where it wasn’t safe for them to express their anger and frustration.  There appears to be evidence however that the upbringing of a sociopath has little or no effect on them. Like a passive aggressive elements of a sociopath’s personality first become evident at a very early age, but they appear to be due to biological or genetic factors. According to the book for medical diagnosis, one can not be diagnosed as a sociopath until the age of 15 or older, yet as stated above, there have probably been signs through out earlier childhood.

Now for some of the similarities. It is truly amazing at different points in the discussion concerning both personality disorders.It’s also pretty scary.

Let’s start with an easy one. Most of us know what makes a sociopath a sociopath is a lack of conscience. According to expert Robert Hare, author of the book “Without Conscience” the sociopath lacks guilt.

They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others.

Passive aggressives also see themselves as victims. Everything that happens to them is someone else’s fault. They cannot feel remorse or empathy for others because they never believe the problem is them.

Lets try another one.  According to the psychopathy checklist of H. Checkly and Robert Hare, a deep seated rage is at the core of the sociopath. They see others around them as targets and opportunities.  With the passive aggressive, they too have a suppressed anger that they have never learned to or been allowed to express openly. This is what leads to the covert abuse and sabetoge of their victims (us).

This is getting kind of long, but lets go for number 3.

According to Martha Stout who wrote “The Sociopath Next Door”, most sociopaths would be described as “the most charming, charismatic, sexiest, or maybe the most interesting” person you ever met. Isn’t that a common reason we end up staying in a marriage or relationship with a passive aggressive for so long? Sure there are exceptions, but for the most part don’t they drive us crazy until we’re ready to walk and then they charm us back in for another period of time? In most cases didn’t we fall in love with them because they seemed so loving, so caring, until we married them or got involved? Doesn’t it really feel a lot of the time that it’s just a game to them? That’s how it is with a sociopath. It is a game. A game purely of manipulation.

There is more, and I may do a part 2 to this, but this is long enough for now. If you like, follow the link above to one of the articles regarding sociopaths and do some of your own comparisons. Then, if you would, come back and share your stories with us. Like I always say, we’re here to learn, get encouragement, and to help each other.

The Passive Aggressive And Commitment

People have been asking about the passive aggressive and commitment so I thought I would write a little about it now.

If you’re looking for true, real, deep down commitment from a passive aggressive (like the I’ll love you till I die kind) you’re looking in the wrong place. While you may get them to marry you, which I have to say the shack-ups (no offense. I’m one) outnumber the marriages by my tally, they still never really commit. They don’t know how and they’re scared to death of it.

I’m a prime example. I’ve been engaged to my passive aggressive BF for almost 10 yrs. He told me from the beginner he’s a “sticker” meaning he sticks in the relationship for as long as I’ll put up with him, but actually walk down the aisle, forget it. (Thank you, God). And he is. He sticks like frickin’ glue. LOL. He doesn’t hardly socialize. He doesn’t go out and he doesn’t have any friends that he keeps in touch with. At the same time, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t come home drunk after hours at the bar, and he doesn’t beat me. There are some good things.

Here me LOUD AND CLEAR. A passive aggressive does not commit. They are afraid if they do they may get dependent on you. The also don’t know how to commit emotionally to anything or anyone. If you’re in the dating stage, you may think he’s committed, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that’s true. He probably wants to be, but he doesn’t know how and in most cases isn’t willing to learn. What’s really hard about the passive aggressive you fall in love with is most of the time their so damn good at hiding how passive aggressive they are.

If you’re in a relationship with a man who
1) has no interaction with the family he was born in to
2) has no interaction with a family he created in the past
3) was abused in his childhood and didn’t rebel
4) has really old fashioned views on discipline based on how he was raised (really harsh)

odds are you’re dating a passive aggressive. And if you’re like me and you’re the one making all the moves sexually, don’t expect that to change either. At first I thought the passive aggressive BF was just “old fashioned” and being polite. I had listened to different sayings he had and the way he talked, so I thought he just really cared for me and didn’t want to scare me off. WRONG. After we got together he didn’t reach for me either. I used to talk to him about it. He just said he had been accused of being an animal before so he wasn’t like that anymore. BS.

He was never like that or his first wife wouldn’t have been caught cheating on him. His girlfriend after that that he really cared for wouldn’t have left for another man, etc. He’s just been lucky with me in the way that
1) I’m too old and lazy to start training again (altho I may revive)
2) I’m too busy to care about anything else right now
3) When I had so many opportunities the relationship was still new enough I always thought of him first
4) Last but not least, I believe in breaking things off first, before I go messing around (although that could change at any minute. LOL)

If you’re looking for a man that does what he says, is devoted to you like we see in the movies (which we all know is a fairytale but some are better than others), and wants to only be with you, do things with you around the house, be social with your friends, blah, blah, blah, you’re looking in the wrong place if you’re involved with a passive aggressive person. They don’t have and probably will never get, a clue.

Don’t forget to check out the new Recommended Reading List (heading at the top of the page) and please, we would love to hear your story or leave a comment on the post. Always glad to learn and share ideas.