Ho Ho This, You Passive Aggressive

Thank God for radio stations that play nothing but Christmas music for a couple of weeks before Christmas. Thank you to the TV stations that play all the sappy Christmas movies. From all of us that need to be reminded on a continual basis that it’s ’tis the season’ I thank you. LOL. Cuz otherwise you would never know it’s almost Christmas at our house.

2 out of 3 of my kids are due here Wed. The oldest is driving up Christmas morning so she can be here for a few extra days after Christmas (the day after being my birthday =)). All the Christmas decorations are still out in the garage, except for the glasses and mugs I brought in. The outside lights are still laying by the front door, which is where I think they’ve been since I brought them home in June. LOL. Of course now it’s raining, and who wants to hang lights in the rain? I should have mentioned it to him sooner. I guess the day after Thanksgiving wasn’t enough notice. LOL. That’s the one thing I don’t just do myself.

The windows in the only car that’s running fell off their tracks and don’t work. When one of the windows was working, I didn’t nag much about fixing the other one. When they both don’t work, I feel like I’m suffocating. It finally got fixed today, rain or no rain, because yesterday on the passive aggressive BF’s way to work, the passenger side window fell down inside the door. He had to travel the rest of the way to a job about 30 miles away, and all the way home last night in the cold and the rain with no glass in the hole. We covered it last night to protect it, and when there was a break in the weather today he was out there fixing it. No more excuses on this one. LOL.

Hope all of you that celebrate what ever it is you celebrate, are having an enjoyable season. The one thing I haven’t had to deal with is Christmas shoppers. I pick my battles. LOL. I do most from my computer and the rest I am very careful what hours I pick to go where. It’s funny. With as high as unemployment is in this country, shopping shouldn’t be a problem. I’m glad to see so many people are getting along ok.

Would love to hear how things are going for you. I know even under the best of circumstances this time of year brings along a bit of stress. OK everyone, take a deep breath, and go for it! LOL


10 Responses

  1. Gosh, this is a duplicate of my house right now. Nary a decoration except a few of my “winter” candle houses and such. My PA doesn’t celebrate Christmas and cites some religious reasoning for it…but I’ve got him figured: he’s just cheap and anti-social. Haha! Happy holidays! 😉 And you’re right…thank God for “Christmas” radio stations. And iTunes stocked with lots of Christmas albums.

    • Amy- Welcome! Nice to hear from you.

      The way you describe your husband’s reasoning for not celebrating the season (cheap and anti-social) reminds me of all those guys that cause a fight and break up with their girlfriends right before the holidays or their birthday, etc. so they won’t have to buy them a present. LOL.

      Thanks for your input. Feel free to join the discussion anytime.

  2. Hi Ladybeams,
    Christmas, Ahh the time of year when hearts are giving and love abounds or at least it is supposed to. It is a tough time of year for all of us isn’t it?. News update: he has moved out.
    I for one am feeling something now I haven’t felt in a long time since he left. JOY! Not only for the return of the spirit within me for what Christmas day means, but for the fact that I have not had a “true” Christmas spirit within me for a long time and now I do. It’s like finding something so very precious to me that I had lost. Something very important to my sanity, my soul, and my life.
    I am at peace for now and just letting the feelings flow. I have to be strong for the time that we have to get together concerning the business at hand- the outcome of all of this.
    I have much ahead to deal with: my economical future, the time I need for healing my mutilated soul, and knowing my direction again…only this time a lot wiser.
    Christmases in the past started to diminish early on in our home until there was no looking forward to them. I was missing the feelings I so loved. I made the best of it anyway, but was left with an empty hollow shell of a feeling not filled with the Joy of “doing” all the things Christmas has you doing to fill you with that Joy: Hanging stockings, decorating, shopping for loved ones, baking, the music–ahh the music, and laughter with friends and family! That all had slowly been diminished over time along with the heartfelt Joy I used to have during this time of year. I was feeling a sort dread for the season and I knew that was wrong..very wrong-for me. I knew something was amiss but I ignored it. I put up a blockade to my emotions about it all. I gave up trying to find what I needed.
    Since he moved out the joy has begun to slowly return to my soul. It is a Joy for myself, acceptance of what is to be, and the beliet that there are better things ahead. I am growing…finally. I am starting to heal…finally. I am learning…finally. The loss of the growth in the relationship stopped my growth as well, because I LET IT. The lesson I learned was to not let anyone take your Joy away from you for something important to you. Do whatever you have to do to cling to that Joy, that sense of peace, and do it for yourself in everything you do- not just at this time of year- but all year long.
    May you all have a blessed Christmas Season or whatever you celebrate at this time of year.
    You all deserve it ! And may God bless.

    • jmarie- Good for you and thank you for sharing this. You know it’s funny, well really not funny at all, but “joy” has become so foreign to me anymore, even the word doesn’t sound write when I speak it. Maybe that’s what my life is rather about these days. I don’t mean the holidays, but these days in general. Maybe through the years I’ve just had the joy sapped out of me. It’s interesting and enlightening to think about. I blame a lot of my lack of joy on finances, but maybe it’s not that so much after all. Maybe it’s just my life, or my life with the PA. I’ll have to think about that and dig a little deeper. I used to have joy. Not only did I have it, but I spread it. LOL. Today not so much. Thank you for something else to think about.

      A Blessed Christmas to you too, My Friend, and thank you for all you’ve contributed here. May your Joy only grow in the new year.

  3. I forgot to say something in the last post.

    STAY STRONG EVERYONE. and as Laura Hansen- author of “Hand me a Wrench, My Life is out of Whack” says:
    “No matter what your life is like, It’s your life. You are choosing each moment, regardless of whether you believe you are or not. You can always chart a new course, or make a new plan; you life is yours to live.”

    • jmarie- Excellent! We need to remember that. We do have, and are making our own choices all the time, even if we aren’t happy with them. LOL.

  4. I had a good chuckle at the behaviors you describe. Although in the bigger picture it is not funny at all and is a real, unfortunate set of circumstances to be saddled with, sometimes the only way to cope is to see the dark comedy that lies within it all. The car window trouble seems to me like that type of thing; it’s funny b/c it’s a slice of life… it’s not funny b/c it’s chronic and it causes others unneeded angst.

    Long before I could put a label on my PA I would always say “We just have to wait until it’s his idea”. I used to say it jokingly about nearly everything from mundane house stuff to big ticket decisions. Your post had me saying that in my head the whole time “You’ll have to wait until it’s his idea”. PA’s become active when the damage being done isn’t collateral, but is now directly affecting THEM.

    We all do that to some extent, prioritize what we put our focus on based on how much we want something to get done – but for PA’s it’s their base method of operation; if it doesn’t directly, negatively impact THEM, if it’s not going to create a positive, palatable benefit to THEM, they don’t do it.

    That’s why (I believe) relationships with PA’s deteriorate so wholly when a child is brought into the mix. If there’s one thing we know about child rearing, we know that there is a high, constant need to be selfLESS not selFISH.

    Hang in there Ladybeams – pick and choose your battles. Enjoy your kids this season. Stay warm and safe and be happy. 🙂

    • Peggy- Thanks. LOL. You are so right, but I think the “waiting till it’s his idea” is true for a lot of men, not just PAs. LOL. I always said “make him think it’s his idea”.

      2 kids will be here tomorrow. Can’t hardly wait, although I’m not as ready as I should be. Thank God they’re used to that and give me some extra time while they visit all their friends.

      Hope you are having a wonderful holiday. Of course you’re used to happy holidays. You’ve been without your PA for a little while now. LOL (that’s almost jealousy talking. LOL) Love it!

  5. I’m seriously glad I found this website. I actually found it a year ago or so, but I guess I was in denial that my husband was PA. Heh. We’ve been married for 2.5 years, and we have a daughter born 18 mos ago. When we were dating/engaged, there was SO much I didn’t see (because we weren’t living together…and for that matter, were living 100 miles apart), and it wasn’t until I was pregnant with our daughter that the “true colors” began to slowly show.

    I was reading Peggy’s comment and it was talking about relationships deteriorating when a child is brought in. Boy is that true! Strangely, my husband is remarkably playful and sweet to our daughter. There are a few things he doesn’t have the patience to do — like feed her…or, let her feed herself something messy (she’s got to learn sometime!), because he’s OCD and just freaked out about messes. He doesn’t like the state of the house after the baby gets through with it, but he doesn’t complain very often. To our daughter, he doesn’t seem to let our marital issues affect his relationship with her…at least not that I’ve seen.

    Where I see most of my trouble is how he acts towards me. He can be terribly kind and funny and even a little bit romantic, but like Peggy was saying, he has held a lot of our (my) dreams hostage. He said he wanted me to quit my job after the baby came, which was always a dream of mine, but now won’t hear of it; he wanted to buy a house, but keeps saying it’s not a good time (even though we have $100K in CASH just waiting to put towards a house); and even though it’s mundane, there are many things around the house that he says he wants to do (and won’t let me help with) that he keeps “not being motivated” to do…..like fix our freezer, which is actually not broken…it just needs to be cleaned before it can be put back into the house.

    It makes me lose tons of respect for him. I’m a Christian woman; he acted very Christian before we were married…went to church, prayed with me, talked to me about all sorts of religious things. I was convinced I was marrying a truly Godly man. He was very impressive and impressed a lot of people around him. But at home, after the first six months of marriage, going to church slowly gave way to his resentment towards “modern” church (an excuse not to go, is my opinion), religious holidays (like Christmas, which he “won’t celebrate because it’s pagan), and basically he has no “fruits of the spirit” to speak of. I’m of the opinion that he wasn’t really a Christian; he was just pretending. Probably because somewhere inside of him is this little boy who wants to be this ideal man, but unless he actually lets himself be vulnerable and open his heart to love and be loved, he’ll never achieve it.

    I see this kind of struggle in him whenever he finds that someone thinks of him differently than he thought they did; if they consider him standoffish, for example (which he is)…he gets so upset in private and will basically decide never to talk to them again, as opposed to doing something about his own behavior so that he’s not seen as standoffish.

    At the moment, in my struggle with this marriage, I feel more pity for him than anything else. I do love him, but I sure have grown a lot from the woman I was when I married him only a couple years ago. I’ve learned to not let his silly behavior alter my behavior; I’m learning to be consistent in my responses. And I’m learning to pick my battles.

    I don’t know why I just spilled all that. Maybe it’s because I’m very thankful for this site. Ladybeams, if it wasn’t for your struggles, a lot of us (like me) would be sailing down a river having no idea the rapids that await us. I thank God for you!!

    Happy Christmas!

    • Amy- God Bless you, My Dear.

      What you describe is so typically PA, as you seem to have found in the posts and comments of this site. That’s excellent that you have been able to sustain your own person, vs. giving in to his attempts to control. I’m sure your faith, like mine, has helped a lot. It’s a shame when it comes to your PA it was all just a show.

      I don’t know how much you have read on here about PA parents, but most of them are very good parents to their children while the children are small. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve received like yours that no matter how the PA is treating their spouse, they are good with the children. The only problem with that is it is fairly short lived. As the child gets older, has their own expectations, start realizing that the PA says things that don’t happen or they don’t come through with their promises, the passive aggressive behavior gets stronger and stronger against the children also. Or, the child soon starts taking after the passive aggressive parent and starts treating the other parent just like the passive aggressive parent does. I can’t tell you how much heartache I’ve seen here where they feel like their children hate them because the children ridicule them, etc. just like their spouse.

      I have 2 suggestions for people with children and a Passive Aggressive spouse. 1) Get out! LOL. Run. Take your child and let them have a chance of a happy, stable, more normal life. 2) If you don’t do that, make sure you stay close to your child so that the 2 or how many of you there are, are able to talk about what is happening in your family. You need to be able to point out that certain behaviors are not normal nor acceptable, so the children don’t take those behaviors into their own relationships later on. None of us would want our kids to either marry a passive aggressive, or be passive aggressive themselves, as we all know that only leads to misery.

      Thank you for sharing Amy. It’s nice to hear from you and I’m glad this site has been helpful for you. Feel free to comment or share, or rant and rave, anytime. LOL. And by the way, just for your hubby, Christmas did start out as a Pagen holiday, but the Christians took it over and converted many, many of the Pegans to Christianity. How it started has nothing to do with why it is celebrated today. (at least according to my research. LOL).
      God Bless and a very Merry Christmas to you and your darling child.

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