I did it! In May I married the passive aggressive boyfriend. That’s right. Totally against my own advice (you can call me hypocrite now).
I still think if you’re younger, younger with impressionable children, or older but only have yourself to worry about, if you can, you should head for the hills once you realize that you have tied yourself up with a passive aggressive. I went against my own advice because:
I have been with this man for 16 yrs. and he’s not going anywhere. Even though most of that time we have had my mother living with us, and occasionally at least one of his or my kids, I’m sure that wasn’t what he had in mind when we got together.
He also isn’t doing all that well health-wise, which is another reason like I feel I can’t just throw him out and leave him to his own devices.
Obviously, I care about him, and in a lot of ways he’s been very patient with me. If I was going to get rid of him, I should have done it a long time ago. We’re both in our 60’s now, and I felt like it was time we made it legal.
With all that being said, you don’t have to settle. No one is holding a gun to my head. Even though I would have it a little rough financially if he was gone, I feel I’m resourceful enough, I would get by fine. Sooooo, if you are in a position where you can gather all your strength together and get out of a miserable situation, do it. If I had done it years ago, and I had many opportunities where I should have and didn’t, my whole life may be a lot different now.
Filed under: commitment | Tagged: coping with a passive aggressive |
P.A. Don't Stand For Palo Alto 
Hello, Ladybeams, I found your blog via a Google search. I can’t really congratulate you on your marriage (so sorry about that). I married my PA husband in October of 2013. I made a mistake, I had been fired from my job due to age discrimination and I knew that I had to leave my career forever, after having a string of bad experiences as I aged (hairstylist). I didn’t know at the time that you are never to marry within a year of a major life disruption, some say even longer than a year. I definitely did it out of deep fear and a feeling that he was the only stable and meaningful part of my life, which was true at the time, but a terrible reason to marry. Your posts entitled “10 questions” and “when the PA withholds sex” were fascinating to read and made me realize that I was in the same boat. It’s amazing how the stories are so similar. We have just stopped seeing a marriage counselor after a year of counseling. All three of us were frustrated and naturally, my husbands lip service to doing the work was the source of this. I recently started seeing a new therapist and I think that she might be the start of a new chapter for me. Like you, I am 63 and he is 68, so the concept of starting over in a search of a meaningful partnership seems completely overwhelming. We’ve only met 2x so far, but she has asked me to stop analyzing and criticizing my PA and to keep track of “what makes me twitch”. I love that phrase! Anyway, my mom died about 4 months ago and one is also never to divorce within a year of a major life disruption as well, so I am now in a kind of limbo. I am going to set a time in the future, perhaps by spring of 2017, where if I am still in a sexless and affection less marriage, I am definitely going to leave it. It’s pretty amazing so far, I spent yesterday with him and did my homework. He did various low level PA activities, so it wasn’t too difficult, but I woke up in a great mood today, just from the slight resistance that I put up to getting pulled under. I’m going on a trip to Berlin with my girlfriend next month (he won’t even look at her or even say hello when she comes to our house). I am so excited about this! He refuses to travel outside of the area that he is familiar with (New England). Probably due to feeling out of control. Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself and I’d love to stay in touch and let you know how my life is going. Peace to you.
The above homework would best be described as the Experimental position as follows Relationship Experiments. “Relationship experiments are behavioral tasks assigned to family members by the therapist to first expose and then alter the dysfunctional relationship process in the family system” (Guerin, 2002, p. 140). Most often, these experiments are assigned as homework, and they are commonly designed to reverse pursuer-distancer relationships and/or address the issues related to triangulation. Relationship experiments are incorporated within Guerin’s five-step process for neutralization of symptomatic triangles in which he (1) identifies the triangle, (2) delineates the triangle’s structure and movement, (3) reverses the direction of the movement, (4) exposes the emotional process, and (5) addresses the emotional process to augment family functionality.”