A Passive Aggressive’s Best Friend: The Excuse

planbNotice: Before I get started, I would just like to say for those of you that comment with some elaborate story on how your love life fell apart and you lost your spouse/partner/dog, until you went to some “Spellcaster” and now you’re living happily ever after, don’t bother. I have to approve all comments and I can spot affiliate advertising a mile away. All those comments go right to the trash. If I have readers who actually believe in that stuff, I’m sure they are already Googling it.

It never ceases to amaze me the excuses of the passive aggressive for not doing something. Some things I have been asking my passive aggressive boyfriend to do around here for a solid 2 yrs. I don’t know if he’s run out of excuses and that’s why he’s developed this new technique or what.

Now when I ask him if he thinks he’ll have time to get to such and such, his new thing is “I was going to do that in the morning” or “I was going to do that when it wasn’t so hot” or what ever other “I was going to…” he can come up with.  One day I just said to him “Isn’t it uncanny how our two minds work exactly the same all these times I ask you about taking care of something, and you are always just going to get to it. It’s amazing!”

Sometimes I feel like if I here “I was just gonna do that” one more time, my head will explode! LOL.

Now mind you, my passive aggressive is totally retired and has absolutely no schedule for anything. He reads the paper, does the crossword, and watches whatever sports or sports highlights he can find on TV.  We moved here two years ago, and he hasn’t worked a day, and we are finally down to one moving box that still needs to be broken down and put out for recycling.

I think I get the most bitter about his passive aggressive excuses or not doing something, when it’s something to do with my safety or taking care of me. The headlights on our car were aimed too far down and at night they didn’t illuminate much of the road. We live in a place with no streetlights. I was coming home from a weekly bible study and could have killed myself due to the lack of vision. I had to actually nag and get angry almost everyday to get the passive aggressive to take some action and fix them. It’s times like that that make me realize he really doesn’t care anything about what happens to me.

What kind of excuses for the passive aggressive’s procrastination do you get around your house? Oh yeah, “I forgot” is still prevalent here. LOL

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8 Responses

  1. I’d be willing to bet that he cares about you and your well being a great deal but that’s the problem. He doesn’t know HOW to deal with the fact that he cares and, knowing inside, that he cares, scares him shitless. Did he come from a loving home? Would you say that his family (especially his Mom, the “female” part of the equasion) showed her love for him or was at least somewhat demonstrative in showing affection? Maybe he never had an example shown him during his formative years which helped him learn HOW to show love. He also is probably very aware of how much he NEEDS you, which also scares the shit out of him. He won’t show it, of course.

    • I think you might be right Marilyn. I often think about this with issues I have with my pa husband. Every time I get a sense of how he grew up I say to myself “no wonder”. Sad.

  2. Hey, I follow you and haven’t blogged lately on this site. Your new post about the ways of pa mirrors what my live-in sister is doing. When I ask her about doing something, she says she is waiting for it to cool off, waiting for me to finish with the vacuum cleaner, or she thought I would do it (I’m not a mindreader) or she is just going to get to it. LOL.
    Fortunately, I got married last month and she has to move. I’m selling my house and my husband is selling his so we can move into one for just us. She has resisted the new arrangements with all kinds of pa behavior until just recently (I think she realized she was fighting a lost cause). Now she is subtly trying to undermine the selling of the house by not doing her part in the preparation by just doing something else all day long, making the aforementioned excuses, or just being irritable. I don’t think I can trust her to keep the house presentable while I am with my husband and out of the house for a day or so. She is scheduled to move into a new apartment complex in December and she is already anticipating help I can’t give her with the move (she has a bad back–although she refuses to follow up with a dr to determine how bad it is or how much she can or can’t do, all the better to elicit help from others. Sorry to be so hard on her, but I don’t deal well with ambiguity, especially from pa.) I won’t be able to help her put things away or to arrange her new home because I will be busy taking care of the same things for my husband and me.
    It will be good to have her move out, one less stress to deal with at this hectic time.
    I think your BF cares for you just as my sister cares for me, but they don’t show it because it will make them vulnerable and they will feel unsafe. The problem may be that they have had a lifetime of reinforcement to keep them behaving this way. Even if they had serious consequences to their most hurtful behavior, I ‘m sure it would not be enough to alter their perspective about how to behave. They might just “be hurt.”

  3. I was married to a PA for 13 years. We’ve been divorced for 3 now. I am so glad we are divorced and I should have done it a lot sooner!

    I am amazed by what I am reading in your blog. I wish I had found it when you first started it. I have felt so alone all these years. Reading all of this has validated my feelings and emotions. I think you can understand just how much I have been overcome with the relief from reading that so many have had the same experiences. While I wouldn’t wish this literal hell on anyone I am glad to know that I am not insane. It has taken 16 years for my own mother to realize the vast emotional abuse that my ex husband has put me through. We are currently going through a custody battle and I hope that your blog and the many comments will help me establish that I am not alone, he is incapable of being truthful, emotional, affectionate, etc. Our 11yo daughter finally had him go to the counselor with her last week after 3 years of the counselor and our daughter begging him to go. She came home and said “he twisted my words around mom! He said its my fault I’m a picky eater and malnourished (she has sensory integration disorder). That he didn’t lie about the cotton candy machine being thrown out because his ex girlfriend put it in the closet with out him knowing (classic PA move, never their fault). And I never want to go to counseling with him again. Its useless because he will never change.” Even his 11yo daughter sees what a pain he is.

    In regards to excuses: we lived with my parents and my ex is a master electrician. The lightbulb over the dining room table blew out and I’m disabled and my parents are elderly. We asked him to change the light bulb, something an apprentice can do. 6 months later I climbed a ladder and changed it. There are so many stories I could give you. I read a post about sex and how they with good it. We went YEARS if I didn’t initiate. He up and decided 8 years into the marriage to just SOTP eating a dinner I would often make. When I asked why he never tokd me he didnt like it said he “thought it would go away”. They are INSANE. The fact that they took passive-aggressive out of the mental illness diagnostics is ridiculous. It is definitely a diagnosis. And it is a lethal one. Because they will be killed by their spouses.

    • Kim, I would love to talk to you! I see a lot of similarities with you (my partner is an electrician too and I have so many of those light bulbs stories!!).
      I’m very interested to talk to you because, unlike in your case, I have only been with him for four years. We have an 18 months old son. His family is just as unstable mentally as he is, and their influence on him (and hence on his parenting methods and in the great scheme of things, eventually, on my son) is huge.
      For all these reasons, I am preparing to end the relationship. I know a very difficult battle will follow over custody. I would love to have your feedback and some advice so I can prepare myself the best. Also, I don’t know anyone that has been through a custody battle, so I don’t know what to expect.
      I don’t want to leave my personal email address like this openly on the internet, so if the moderator/admin could kindly pass my email address to you, it would be much much much appreciated!
      Please get in contact 🙂

  4. My Partner (the father of my baby son) has overtime developed a very interesting method. He is a clever guy and he probably realised that the amount of excuses and undelivered promises would come back and bite him. So instead of excuses, he developed a strategy of constant disagreement to whatever I ask him to do or to whatever I point out to him needs doing. The best (and most outrageous) example would be the baby gate situation: at first, he kept delaying researching which baby gates would be most appropriate for our house when our son starting crawling. After a couple of month of near misses with my son crawling towards the top of the stairs, and after many reminders from me, he decided that he was against baby gates altogether. And the discussion was over.
    He has (successfully?) re-used this technique over and over again. So the “I don’t like that”, “I’m against it”, “it’s a principle”, “I don’t want to discuss it”, have replaced the “I forgot”, “I’ll do it soon”, “I will tomorrow”, etc.

    • Hi Charlotte- Yuck! I think when it comes to the safety of my child, I wouldn’t leave anything up to the passive aggressive if possible. What if your child fell down the stairs and got seriously hurt? Really, buying a baby gate is something you could do yourself. That would cover his “I don’t want to discuss it” aspect of his technique. LOL

  5. I think the hot new PA excuse is “I’m sooo busy!”, “things are crazy right now!”.
    My PA w/Narc traits ex-“best friend” pulled the “I’m just so busy with school” shit all the time. Constantly. It was a total lie though (his work load was not much, and he certainly had plenty of time to do *exactly* what he wanted to do), and was his code for “I have much more important things I’d rather be doing than hanging out with you/returning a favor/being a decent human being, but I am too cowardly to own that and display a modicum of honesty, so instead I will guilt and punish you for even daring to ask or require anything of me”.
    Then he started with the “emotional breakdown”-type excuses. “I’m going crazy with stress”, “I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown”, “I’m in a crisis”. Pretty strong words, usually people who cannot function because they have broken down mentally seek some form of psychological help. Not this PA, though, despite his claims of being debilitated by these supposed “crises” on a regular basis. It’s not just enough for them to blow off your needs, wants, and feelings – they want you to suffer through guilt for even asking anything of them. My ex-PA w/Narc traits would either comply with a request or responsibility, all the while banging stuff around, pulling faces, moping & raging, OR act completely shocked and righteously indignant at the imposition of a favor having been asked at all.
    …ugh.

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