What Would A Passive Aggressive Father Do?

If you are married to a passive aggressive and are “staying together for the sake of the children”, you may want to read this.  I would venture to say that most families with a passive aggressive parent eventually implode, or explode, but rarely come out well adjusted. Of course I would like to again state here for the record, I am not a therapist or doctor of any kind, and I do not have the statistics to back me up, but I am very opinionated. LOL.

So, what would a passive aggressive father do if he was about to watch his kid jump off  a cliff? You would hope the passive aggressive father would stop the child, right? Isn’t that what any normal parent would do? In the case of a passive aggressive parent, I’m not so sure.

I wrote about one of my passive aggressive boyfriend’s sons in “Passive Aggressive Offspring” the last time I posted. Unfortunately that situation has only gotten worse. He’s up half the night and sleeps half the day. He lives by the TV in the living room as we have no where else to put him right now.

Last week we were supposed to go somewhere and get something done early, say around 9:00am. He had been up about 10 min. after 8:00, and his alarm or phone had gone off a little while after that, and all he did was cover up and go back to sleep. This son is a grown man. Naturally when he did that, I assumed he changed his mind about going with me and I let him sleep. When he finally got up that afternoon, he asked if I had gone without him. When I said I had, he said how I could have got him up. I explained to him that he’s 41 yrs. old. I assumed if he wanted to get up he would have.

There was some excuse for the next couple of days as well. Finally on Saturday when his father was home, I mentioned to my PA boyfriend about getting this thing done. He said he would wake his son up “pretty soon”. By 9:30 am when I had come back from taking care of a couple of other things, the BF said he had awakened him, but I still wasn’t seeing any signs of life. It took until almost noon to finally get going. Obviously I was the only one concerned that the other people involved were doing us a favor, and we might be imposing the longer we waited.

My girlfriend is getting terribly frustrated because I haven’t done anything about it. On top of that, he’s about drank her out of house and home. The father knows all about this, but says nothing. It’s not my son. Why should I be left to do the dirty work? Why do I put up with it? Because he’s been doing us a favor with some work we need done. Would it be different if it were my kid? Oh definitely!

Now it seems that the youngest is on a rampage. He has been getting out of control on alcohol, and been terribly abusive to his mother. The last time he got drunk (and possibly drugged up) he stole his brother’s car and was verbally abusive to his sister-in-law. Their mother has been in really poor health for awhile now, and this added stress has got to be taking it’s toll. Unfortunately the mother just calls the two other sons to do something instead of doing something (like calling the police) herself.

I asked my BF if he didn’t feel like he should talk to the boy, since he was now being so abusive to the mother. The boy’s wife has already thrown him out for abusing her more than once. He said yes he would, unbeknownst to me already having this little talk with his other son already. Will he? It’s been 4 days, 2 of that being a weekend when the boyfriend was off work, and he hasn’t made the call yet.

Like I said, what would a passive aggressive father do if he saw his child about to jump off a cliff? Who knows?

Passive Aggressive Offspring…

Just a quick note here before I get on with the subject- it just amazes me the spam, and the kind of spam I get in the comments section here. Between penis enlargements, hard-core porn links, and other languages I can’t read so I have no idea if they are porn or not, it just amazes me. LOL.  (The end of note)

We have had one of my passive aggressive boyfriend‘s sons with us for a few months while he’s straightening out some stuff in his life. He’s a great guy and been a blessing to us on more than one occasion. The passive aggressive boyfriend actually has 3 sons, and one hasn’t spoken to me in a long time unless he’s just really desperate. (I’ve already told that story) This one and I have always got along really well, but as of late he’s seeming just a bit testy. Makes me think of that old saying “friends, fish and family all smell after 3 days”.

I’ve always thought he had a great heart and was pretty up front about everything. I’m starting to do a lot more thinking about passive aggressive offspring. I asked him if he was angry with me over anything, if there was something I had done, but he says no.  I’m wondering if he figures whatever he is upset with me about is so small it’s not worth bringing up, or if he’s not upset with me particularly, I’m just the one that feels it? Or I guess it could just be me, but I don’t think so.

Does any of the above sound familiar? It sounds like just what we all have been through before we realized what we were dealing with, yes? Second guessing, wondering what we did wrong, blah, blah, blah. Which is one of the reasons I’m starting to think that he may have picked up some traits from his passive aggressive father, versus me being nuts. LOL. Although, unlike his father he does have a good understanding of what passive aggressive is.

Which, parents of young children, if you’re living with a passive aggressive spouse, you may not know the effects on them for years. Guard your children’s emotional and mental health. It only goes to figure that passive aggressive parents would produce passive aggressive offspring.

 

Friends and Your Passive Aggressive Relationship

I don’t know how many of you read the post I did regarding “A Passive Aggressive Victim’s Bio”which mentioned JMarie’s new book “My Life, My Understanding”, but she has left many, very good comments here on the blog. I have asked her if I could re-post for all of us one of her last comments that had a few, very interesting questions to ponder regarding mutual friends and our passive aggressive relationship. She gave me permission, so here we go.

Some friends or aquaintances will not want to be involved with your problems (and that is their right). Some will steer clear, or become very superficial in their dealings with you, and some will judge and tell you their opinion. That’s fine. It’s their opinion, but it comes from their beliefs..not yours. If they don’t want to understand the problem, how can they judge it?

A few question to all the readers…

1. When you began your journey of understanding about Passive Aggressiveness in your partner and your own involvement with it; even your own contribution to the problem, why you felt the way you do (all the hurts, confusion, anger,and crazy-making)…, and you tried to explain it to your friends or family…How were you acknowledged by them?…Or how did they acknowledge the problem?

2. If you had relationships with friends together with your PA partner, how were you acknowledged from those friends when you tried to talk to them about your problem?…….

Did they believe you?

Did they see the Passive Agressive in the way you expressed to them? Was their vision different from yours?
or…
Were you ignored? told it would all be fine, or that you were crazy?

Did they want to support you– ie: Offer to talk – anytime, a place to stay, go out to a movie or lunch with you, etc…?

Did they want to listen to you and try to understand by asking questions?

Did they invalidate you and tell you to “get over it?”

I could ask many more questions, but it would be interesting to hear some of your answers. I know that what other people feel about you is theirs to deal with, and if they don’t tell you how they feel about it all, you are just guessing at what they feel—

There is a time of insecurity in all this Passive Aggressive relationship struggle that we all face that would be best addressed with examples; due to all the advice out there that says to “build your own support network”.

Just another way to learn from others…….
Jmarie

So there you go. I know I have received many comments regarding how mutual friends turn on you, or how a lot of us keep silent because we know our friends would never “get it”. Some are just embarrassed to admit to friends what is truly going on. What has been your experience regarding mutual friends and your passive aggressive relationship? Thank you JMarie.

The Passive Aggressive and Me

I’m going through a really hard time right now with my mother in ICU for the last 3 or 4 weeks, which brings some into a little retrospect.  My passive aggressive BF is of no help at all, which is fine. I know him. I know how he is. I know what to and what not to expect.  It’s been ok. That’s why I’m here. I figured between the sense of humor, and just accepting, that things were ok. They were ok for me at least. I’m starting new businesses, I’m busy, I don’t have time for all that romantic stuff anyway.  But over the last few days I’m starting to rethink.

I haven’t been happy or joyful in quite a while. That’s not necessarily his fault. It’s up to me to choose how I feel. But you know, sometimes it would just help to feel like the one that is closest to you was by your side, or even on your side. My mother has been in ICU for 4 weeks now. He basically never asks how she is, can he go to the hospital with me, nothing. And actually, I guess that’s ok for him, because that’s who he is, and I know this. Lately, I’ve been wondering if this is ok for me. Usually I don’t question how he is, because basically we’ve come to an understanding that we don’t really care. We are Platonic roommates. It has worked out ok for both of us. But now I’m wondering, come towards the end of my life, do I want more?

I remember what it was like to have a man take care of me instead of vice versa. I remember what it was like to have someone wrap you in their arms like there was no one else on earth.  I remember what it was like to have a man take care of me instead of the other way around. I remember what it was like to be so wrapped up in a man’s arms that you thought nothing on earth could ever touch you.

Even at my age, I think the things I want and need are still possible. The passive aggressive and me may need to have some conversation.

How To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behavior

While doing some research this morning, I ran across this video from Dailymotion titled “How to Deal With A Passive Aggressive”.  I thought you might find it of interest as well.

Effects of Passive Aggressive Parenting

If you are wondering what kind of an effect your passive aggressive spouse/partner is going to have on your children, let me give you an example.  So many times we stay together for “the sake of the children”. Let me show you why you may not be doing them any favors.

My passive aggressive boyfriend had 3 boys when I met him, all grown. The oldest, who is doing quite well, and the middle one were from a previous marriage. The youngest was his biological. Due to her having an alcohol problem in his previous marriage, he wound up pretty basically raising the three boys on his own. (One of the reasons I thought he would be so good for my son).

The youngest is 30 now. He’s having a hell of a time in his marriage. He’s been in and out of rehab for alcohol and needs to go again, and he gets drunk and blames his father for everything. His biggest complaint is unanswered questions. Usually the BF just lets him rant on and on. Finally after this last call the passive aggressive boyfriend says he is going to tell his son the next time that he’s a grown man now, and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Amen!

To tell you the truth, I can sort of understand where this kid is coming from. If living with a passive aggressive makes us crazy, imagine how confusing it is to a child. And since a child needs nurturing and a loving relationship from their parents, and all they are getting is confusion and mixed signals, what do you think we are raising? More passive aggressives.

I can only imagine some of the conversations that take place between my passive aggressive boyfriend and his son. Son asks a question “why…?” BF hangs his head but gives no answer. Or, BF hangs his head and says “I know. I wasn’t the best father…”. Son walks away wondering why he never saw the brick wall he just ran into.

As I said, he’s also having problems in his marriage. Personally a lot of us think he married the wrong girl, but pushing that aside, I find myself wondering how passive aggressive he is toward her. How much of their problems he brings on himself by clamming up, just like his father instead of having an open and adult discussion.

I think when we allow our passive aggressive partners to have such a huge influence on our children we are sentencing them to a life of doomed relationships, just like the one their parent is living. I don’t think they develop coping skills so they self medicate with either drugs or alcohol, and they are constantly trying to fill that void in their hearts from being hurt or feeling unloved.

If you have children and are staying in a passive aggressive relationship because you think it would be harder on them to go through a divorce, then for God’s sakes, do everything you can to pick up the slack of your passive aggressive partner. It’s up to you to constantly reassure your children that they are loved. That the way the passive aggressive parent is acting is not the normal way to be in a relationship. It’s up to you to work double-time to make this child secure. And I don’t mean spoiling them out of guilt or any other reason. I just mean by letting them know as they can understand, how good, healthy, loving relationships with others should be.

A Passive Aggressive Mother and Me

Ok, I gripe here and there about my passive aggressive boyfriend, but I don’t usually say too much about my passive aggressive mother who lives with us. Tonite’s the night. She’s taken to running over my toes with her walker lately, and I’ve had it so she’s getting it. LOL.

My mother is the opposite of the boyfriend in the way that the boyfriend is passive passive aggressive, while my mother is aggressive passive aggressive. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun around here. LOL. What has been especially interesting for me is watching the two of them interact. I spend a lot of time in my office so I am not privy to everything that goes on, but what I get when I am out in the other room with the two of them, why world war III hasn’t started I don’t know.

When the BF isn’t around, my mother will tell me how he watches her like a hawk with every move she makes. When my mother isn’t around, he says she’s imagining things and he can’t believe how much she eats. So of course, when I’m out in the other room with the two of them, I observe to see who is out of whack. When I catch the BF staring at everything she does, which he does do, he says he was just wondering what she was looking for (all this is usually in the kitchen). He never asks her what she’s looking for, because passive aggressives don’t do that. He just watches.

In the old days when he cooked, he used to take dinner into her, and he was her hero. He cooks very well, plus he waited on her. Since I told him not to wait on her because she needs to move around, she’s done everything she can to sabotage him. Poor guy. She even told me one day she thought he was a jiggalo. LOL. I had to inform her he paid as much towards the rent and bills as we all did.

Today I took my mother and we went for a haircut. What started out to be a good thing for charity, turned into disaster and the car broke down in a city a few miles away. I had to call the BF to come get us as I was having the car towed by AAA. Mom always sits in front, as she cannot get in the back of our 2 door vehicles.  She usually has a hard time with the seat belt, so I usually do it for her. Today he got in the driver’s seat, I was in the back, and she was having trouble with her seatbelt. The next thing I knew, he had reached over, took the seat belt, pulled on it to get it across her and of course in his passive aggressive way of not noticing what he was doing, was hitting her in the face with it until he  finally got it buckled for her. I’m sure he was thinking “Score!” She came really close to knocking his block off. LOL.

Between these two, my psycho kitty that prevents me from adopting any other kittens because she’s so crazy, and me, what is it they say when advertising the USA channel? Characters welcome!

Unhappy? Reject Your Loser Parents

I am borrowing this post today from John Shore at JohnShore.com . I would love to say “My good friend John Shore”, but alas I know him not. I’ve just been reading his stuff for a couple of years and following his growth on the internet. If the name sounds familiar, this is the same John Shore that let me give you his articles “Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships” that there is a link to over on the right hand side.

The reason I am reprinting this is to sort of give us an understanding of some of the anger, etc. behind passive aggressiveness and maybe a new approach to helping the passive aggressive get past some of the childhood issues that turned him/her into the passive aggressive person you know today. Enjoy=)

“I believe the number one reason people are unhappy in life is because they refuse to believe that when they were kids their parents either didn’t love them, or loved them in a way that was so deeply tweaked it amounted to the same thing as not loving them.

It’s also my belief that the reason people refuse to accept the truth that when they were kids their parents treated them awfully is grounded in the fact that as very young children they instinctively grasped how terribly vulnerable their parents not loving them made them.

We spend the first years of our lives utterly dependent upon our parents for virtually everything we need to survive. If they don’t choose to give us what we need, we perish. I think that’s a basic fact of life that all humans understand pretty early into the big game o’ life.

And so children born to crappy parents do virtually the only thing they can do, which is to immediately, absolutely and without question convince themselves that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, their parents really are good, caring people who really do love them.

Having parents who really do love you = an outstanding chance of you surviving.

Having parents who obviously don’t love you = you probably won’t make it.

That’s not much of a choice, is it? And so most (and I would even argue all) children “decide” that, come hell or high water, their parents, no matter how much information they’re getting to the contrary, really do love them. In the choice between what is true, and what needs to be true, what needs to be true inevitably wins.

And so children born into unhappy families begin to build their lives upon a lie.

And as surely as one day follows the next, children who are forced to build their lives upon a truth they can’t possibly face turn into adults whose lives are built upon a truth they can’t possibly face. And so as adults people who had unhappy childhoods continue their suffering: they’re angry; they’re forever imagining themselves victims; they’re easily upset; their relationships don’t work. In short, they have no idea who they are. They don’t know who they are, because the core truth of who they are was lost in the lie they had to live — which is to say, very often, in the person they were essentially forced to become — in order to as effectively as possible deal with the threatening dynamics of their dysfunctional family life.

Adults who are lost and unhappy in life have a simple, terrible choice to make. They must either accept the fact that their parents didn’t love them — which is tantamount to utterly and completely rejecting their parents — or they must continue to live lost and unhappy lives.

They either toss their parents off their shoulders, or they continue to sink with their parents strapped to their back. That’s the choice waiting to be made by every adult who was raised in a psychologically unhealthy family.

And what people almost always choose is continuing to go down with their parents strapped to their back. And they make that “choice” for a perfectly understandable reason: it’s still in their mind — it’s still in their heart; it still defines the psychological paradigm of the only life they’ve ever known — that rejecting their parents means they themselves must be rejected. They’re continuing to operate within the context of their initial, original paradigm — and all too dearly paying the price for it.

If you are unhappy in life — if no matter what you do, say, think, or believe, you’re still dogged by this feeling that something fundamental just isn’t right with you or your life — then do yourself a favor, and give some thought to the idea that you have or had Genuinely Lousy parents. That maybe it’s not you. That maybe it’s them. That maybe it’s always been them.

That maybe the reason you’re so burdened is that you’re carrying around weight that doesn’t, or shouldn’t, belong to you.

If you’re regularly dogged by a sense of unhappiness or anxiety, just try on the thought that your parents were awful, that they were in no way emotionally or psychologically prepared to have children.

Go ahead. Give it a shot. In the privacy of your own mind, really reject your parents. Scream at them. Blame them. See them for the sorry, ill-equipped losers they were.

Banish them from your heart.

Walk away from them.

Let ‘em die.

It won’t kill you. I promise.

As the one and only Jesus put it, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

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As always, feel free to leave any comments. John has a lot of really good stuff on his blog. You can visit at JohnShore.com and now he’s also writing for the Huffington Post.

How Does Someone Become Passive Aggressive?

Isn't It So Sad?

How does someone become passive aggressive? Anyone who is involved with a passive aggressive has had to ask that question, among the many others, like “how can I help” or “how can I fix it” or “what in the Sam Hell did I do wrong?” “How do I cope with this?”

I am here to tell you I saw a prime example of how the men we love end up being the men we hate.

I had to take my mother to the hospital lab today to get some blood drawn. I thought we went at a time that there would be relatively few people. I forgot how many people are out of work these days and obviously are taking the time to make up all their blood work from the past. LOL. Anyway, this place was packed.

In the crowd I spied a young woman with two young boys, one I would say is probably about a year and a half, the other maybe 3 or 4. The oldest child was very good at entertaining himself, no gadgets, no reading a story to, he was extremely well behaved for such an environment and such a long wait. The young woman was with a man, who as I watched was not her husband but was evidently her father (now a-days you never know). He was holding the younger child who was going in to get his regular childhood “shots”.

In the time that I observed them, I would say that the older child 1) reached for the mother’s hand and was totally rejected. She completely withdrew her hand 2) He had begged for her attention after she had been holding the younger sibling and she rejected him a second time. She put on this “play” (like you would see in a theater)like she was too tired now. The child gave up, almost like he was used to this ploy.

A little while later, as the line progressed and we were moving closer to the front, the little boy went over to some strangers in the front of the line ahead of the grandpa. That caught her attention. She apologized to the people from the chair she was seated in, for her son disturbing them, and then called her son over by acting so sweet and clapping her hands for him.

He was on to her game! I watched as this darling little boy looked over at her, and proceeded to totally ignore her and keep his stance in line. You wonder where passive aggressive behavior comes from? It starts Here! This child at 4, maybe 5 years old is learning the passive aggressive game. Who is he learning it from? From at least one of his parents! This absolutely darling child that any one with any feeling would have wrapped up in a minute in your arms, was learning at the age of 4 how to be passive aggressive.

I hope this young mother learns “more better” before her children get to old.

It’s amazing where you find passive aggressiveness once you learn how to spot it. Feel free to leave your stories of what you’ve seen. When you see something like this, it’s a little easier to understand. Maybe not easier to live with, but easier to understand. LOL

Kids From A Passive Aggressive Relationship

Yep!

What happens to the kids from a passive aggressive relationship? I was surprised recently to find out a therapist I know believes in trying to keep the family together no matter what. I personally was extremely surprised by that. I thought surely therapy had progressed from that kind of thinking. Being from a dysfunctional family myself, and knowing many people from families that stayed together “just for the kids” I have to say I totally disagree.

If you’ve read my blog or been with me for any length of time, then you have read where I believe if your passive aggressive partner is sucking the life out of you and you can’t get out of the relationship for yourself, then at least get out of it for the sake of your children. The last thing you should want for your kids is to pick up the passive aggressive traits of your passive aggressive spouse or partner. Not only are you harming the kind of person they could grow to be, but would you really want them going into their future relationships treating their girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse/partner, the way you’ve been treated? And, as angry as we get at the passive aggressive, they completely destroy their lives and the people that try to love them. Even though we may not see it, you know they have to hurt somewhere deep down inside. Do we really want that for our kids? Like most parents, I want my children to live better than me, not go through the same hells.

I did a little exploring today and would like to share with you what I found.

This comes from a girl who’s mother was passive aggressive while her father was an abusive alcoholic. Her mother denied everything, blamed the daughter. It was easier than having to be responsible for her living the way she was and how her daughter was being treated.

My self esteem was at a very low level. I was in grade four at this point, I was nine and ten years old and my self-esteem was horrible. I became bulimic at fifteen…I remember thinking that there was a relief in being able to control one thing myself that
they could not do anything about and that was my eating. When I was seventeen and the overbearing controlling behavior would become unbearable, I began cutting myself with a razor blade at
seventeen. I went on to suffer from problems with alcohol and drug abuse myself as did my sibling and I tolerated abusive behavior in my relationships. I should mention that my sibling also suffered from the same eating disorders, the same tendency towards cutting and the same abusive relationships. I began suffering from increased bouts of depression and panic attacks, when I was nineteen, I was subsequently treated for my anxiety disorder with anti-anxiety medication which my parents would discredit as everyday worries that could be treated without medicine.

Pretty fricken tragic. The following is from a blog I found where the writer is a grown woman with children of her own, who’s mother is very passive aggressive. Her husband used to try and pass the passive aggressive behavior off as being “accidental. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, saying, etc.” Not after his passive aggressive mother-in-law came to visit for 2 weeks over the holidays. He has had a total change of heart. The daughter finally blew up on one of the last days of the mother’s visit. This is what she says afterward.

At the time of this frantic typing to let out my emotions I have indeed changed her flight to go home early. And may she go with grace, because I truly doubt that I will be spending much time in
her vicinity ever again.

I truly can’t tell you how awful I would feel if my children ever felt that way about me. (Well, truth be told they probably did when they were in high school. Thank God that’s changed. LOL).

Last, but not least, from a child of a passive aggressive parent who took on the traits, but at least realized it and is trying to do something about it.

I learned so much passive-agressive behaviors from my family, and it has taken me years (and a good 300-mile drive!) to overcome them. (Actually I am still working on that, but I am MUCH better than I used to be.)

Not to mention how much money and heartache it’s probably taken.

Kids know. They are smarter than we give them credit for. The people I know whose parents stayed together “for the sake of the children” are now feeling guilty, screwed up, and resent their parents for not splitting and giving them a happier life. Sure the “lifestyle” may not be the same as it was in a two income family, but the love and the lack of hostility makes it a much better place to be.

What happens to the kids from a passive aggressive relationship? I guess that’s up to you to decide. Please feel free to leave your comments. If you have a different point of view, especially because you come from this kind of situation, don’t be shy. I’ll publish anything that isn’t “spam”. LOL