If you are wondering what kind of an effect your passive aggressive spouse/partner is going to have on your children, let me give you an example. So many times we stay together for “the sake of the children”. Let me show you why you may not be doing them any favors.
My passive aggressive boyfriend had 3 boys when I met him, all grown. The oldest, who is doing quite well, and the middle one were from a previous marriage. The youngest was his biological. Due to her having an alcohol problem in his previous marriage, he wound up pretty basically raising the three boys on his own. (One of the reasons I thought he would be so good for my son).
The youngest is 30 now. He’s having a hell of a time in his marriage. He’s been in and out of rehab for alcohol and needs to go again, and he gets drunk and blames his father for everything. His biggest complaint is unanswered questions. Usually the BF just lets him rant on and on. Finally after this last call the passive aggressive boyfriend says he is going to tell his son the next time that he’s a grown man now, and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Amen!
To tell you the truth, I can sort of understand where this kid is coming from. If living with a passive aggressive makes us crazy, imagine how confusing it is to a child. And since a child needs nurturing and a loving relationship from their parents, and all they are getting is confusion and mixed signals, what do you think we are raising? More passive aggressives.
I can only imagine some of the conversations that take place between my passive aggressive boyfriend and his son. Son asks a question “why…?” BF hangs his head but gives no answer. Or, BF hangs his head and says “I know. I wasn’t the best father…”. Son walks away wondering why he never saw the brick wall he just ran into.
As I said, he’s also having problems in his marriage. Personally a lot of us think he married the wrong girl, but pushing that aside, I find myself wondering how passive aggressive he is toward her. How much of their problems he brings on himself by clamming up, just like his father instead of having an open and adult discussion.
I think when we allow our passive aggressive partners to have such a huge influence on our children we are sentencing them to a life of doomed relationships, just like the one their parent is living. I don’t think they develop coping skills so they self medicate with either drugs or alcohol, and they are constantly trying to fill that void in their hearts from being hurt or feeling unloved.
If you have children and are staying in a passive aggressive relationship because you think it would be harder on them to go through a divorce, then for God’s sakes, do everything you can to pick up the slack of your passive aggressive partner. It’s up to you to constantly reassure your children that they are loved. That the way the passive aggressive parent is acting is not the normal way to be in a relationship. It’s up to you to work double-time to make this child secure. And I don’t mean spoiling them out of guilt or any other reason. I just mean by letting them know as they can understand, how good, healthy, loving relationships with others should be.
Filed under: alcoholic, coping, passive aggressive, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive children, passive aggressive parent, passive aggressive spouse | Tagged: coping skills, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive parenting, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse |