Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

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Children And Passive Aggressive Behavior

What do you do with children that obviously have passive aggressive behavior?

If you’ve been with me for any length of time, you know that my first advice if someone has children and they are married to a passive aggressive spouse, is to get out and save the children. All too often the children have a tendency to pick up the passive aggressive spouse’s behaviors.

Children also have the ability to take on these behaviors all by themselves when they start resenting the responsibilities put upon them by their parents.  In a way it’s no wonder children will behave passive aggressively, as they feel they have no other choice. In my house I was definitely not allowed to talk back or squack about what I was told to do. As a result, I had to take my little sister (6 yrs. younger) with me every where I went from the time she could walk.

As I was doing some research today, I came across an article by Signe Witson on Psychology Today who talks about a mother who asks her oldest daughter to take the 2 younger daughters to the bathroom while they are having a meal in a restaurant. While the oldest acts obediently, she travels at such a pace, she loses both her siblings on the way. When Mother is upset, the oldest daughter acts in complete surprise and blames her siblings for not keeping up.

This is such a familiar story to me. I can remember behaving in such a manner when I was a kid, and I can remember my oldest daughter on occasion behaving the same way regarding her siblings. Evidently now there is a book to help parents deal with these kind of situations called “The Reality Rub”.

The Reality Rub is recommended for use with kids who manipulate reality to test limits. The goal of the Reality Rub is to help kids re-organize their thinking and clarify reality by discussing their blurred, distorted, or self-serving perceptions of an incident.

This sounds like it may be a perfect place to start if you have kids that are always testing your limits, or who are developing their own passive aggressive behavior habits that would serve them better if they used that energy in more constructive ways.

 

Life Has Gotten In The Way of Even the Passive Aggressive

That’s right. Life has gotten in the way of even the passive aggressive! LOL. I can’t even bitch too much because I haven’t had a lot of time recently to interact with him, which is also why I haven’t been able to post anything new in awhile. Sorry, but I am still here, and am still in my situation, and still interested in how everyone is doing.

I have checked all the comments and approved the ones that were waiting. I would like to explain that while I wish I could just let everyone comment so you guys could go ahead and help each other without me, the SPAM is incredible. I deleted 5 pages, or 86 comments tonight. I don’t have time to read them all and weed them all out, so I read the first page and delete the rest, but if I let everyone comment without looking at them first, this blog would turn into crap, and I can’t let that happen. So, I would ask that you just have a little more patience. After Monday I will have more time again and be much more attentive.

So, as for what I’m up to lately (I figure if you’ve left a comment, I have an idea of what you are up to, LOL, but if I haven’t heard from you lately, please feel free to share), I am running a care center for old passive aggressives. LOL.

I have an older lady friend (80) two doors down from me, I’m bringing my mother home from rehab, and I have the BF. I am a gluten for punishment. LOL. My mother is like a lot of the passive aggressive parents I read about here, except she’s also downright aggressive. My girl friend a couple of doors down, we’ve known each other for almost 30 years, and competed for the same man at one time. She’s been a substantial help to us since we moved down the street from her, except she seems to forget she gets a lot of help in return. And then I have the passive aggressive BF, who used to come home from work and tell me about people wanting to hire him on the side. I ordered him cards, etc. but now wonder if he ever gives them out. LOL. I love it!

What Would A Passive Aggressive Father Do?

broken familiesIf you are married to a passive aggressive and are “staying together for the sake of the children”, you may want to read this.  I would venture to say that most families with a passive aggressive parent eventually implode, or explode, but rarely come out well adjusted. Of course I would like to again state here for the record, I am not a therapist or doctor of any kind, and I do not have the statistics to back me up, but I am very opinionated. LOL.

So, what would a passive aggressive father do if he was about to watch his kid jump off  a cliff? You would hope the passive aggressive father would stop the child, right? Isn’t that what any normal parent would do? In the case of a passive aggressive parent, I’m not so sure.

I wrote about one of my passive aggressive boyfriend’s sons in “Passive Aggressive Offspring” the last time I posted. Unfortunately that situation has only gotten worse. He’s up half the night and sleeps half the day. He lives by the TV in the living room as we have no where else to put him right now.

Last week we were supposed to go somewhere and get something done early, say around 9:00am. He had been up about 10 min. after 8:00, and his alarm or phone had gone off a little while after that, and all he did was cover up and go back to sleep. This son is a grown man. Naturally when he did that, I assumed he changed his mind about going with me and I let him sleep. When he finally got up that afternoon, he asked if I had gone without him. When I said I had, he said how I could have got him up. I explained to him that he’s 41 yrs. old. I assumed if he wanted to get up he would have.

There was some excuse for the next couple of days as well. Finally on Saturday when his father was home, I mentioned to my PA boyfriend about getting this thing done. He said he would wake his son up “pretty soon”. By 9:30 am when I had come back from taking care of a couple of other things, the BF said he had awakened him, but I still wasn’t seeing any signs of life. It took until almost noon to finally get going. Obviously I was the only one concerned that the other people involved were doing us a favor, and we might be imposing the longer we waited.

My girlfriend is getting terribly frustrated because I haven’t done anything about it. On top of that, he’s about drank her out of house and home. The father knows all about this, but says nothing. It’s not my son. Why should I be left to do the dirty work? Why do I put up with it? Because he’s been doing us a favor with some work we need done. Would it be different if it were my kid? Oh definitely!

Now it seems that the youngest is on a rampage. He has been getting out of control on alcohol, and been terribly abusive to his mother. The last time he got drunk (and possibly drugged up) he stole his brother’s car and was verbally abusive to his sister-in-law. Their mother has been in really poor health for awhile now, and this added stress has got to be taking it’s toll. Unfortunately the mother just calls the two other sons to do something instead of doing something (like calling the police) herself.

I asked my BF if he didn’t feel like he should talk to the boy, since he was now being so abusive to the mother. The boy’s wife has already thrown him out for abusing her more than once. He said yes he would, unbeknownst to me already having this little talk with his other son already. Will he? It’s been 4 days, 2 of that being a weekend when the boyfriend was off work, and he hasn’t made the call yet.

Like I said, what would a passive aggressive father do if he saw his child about to jump off a cliff? Who knows?

Passive Aggressive Offspring…

Just a quick note here before I get on with the subject- it just amazes me the spam, and the kind of spam I get in the comments section here. Between penis enlargements, hard-core porn links, and other languages I can’t read so I have no idea if they are porn or not, it just amazes me. LOL.  (The end of note)

We have had one of my passive aggressive boyfriend‘s sons with us for a few months while he’s straightening out some stuff in his life. He’s a great guy and been a blessing to us on more than one occasion. The passive aggressive boyfriend actually has 3 sons, and one hasn’t spoken to me in a long time unless he’s just really desperate. (I’ve already told that story) This one and I have always got along really well, but as of late he’s seeming just a bit testy. Makes me think of that old saying “friends, fish and family all smell after 3 days”.

I’ve always thought he had a great heart and was pretty up front about everything. I’m starting to do a lot more thinking about passive aggressive offspring. I asked him if he was angry with me over anything, if there was something I had done, but he says no.  I’m wondering if he figures whatever he is upset with me about is so small it’s not worth bringing up, or if he’s not upset with me particularly, I’m just the one that feels it? Or I guess it could just be me, but I don’t think so.

Does any of the above sound familiar? It sounds like just what we all have been through before we realized what we were dealing with, yes? Second guessing, wondering what we did wrong, blah, blah, blah. Which is one of the reasons I’m starting to think that he may have picked up some traits from his passive aggressive father, versus me being nuts. LOL. Although, unlike his father he does have a good understanding of what passive aggressive is.

Which, parents of young children, if you’re living with a passive aggressive spouse, you may not know the effects on them for years. Guard your children’s emotional and mental health. It only goes to figure that passive aggressive parents would produce passive aggressive offspring.

 

The PA and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Sorry everyone. I thought I had posted this, but I guess I just saved it as a draft. I don’t usually go so long with publishing here. LOL.

All I’ve been thinking about since I ran into this article last weekend in the Sunday USA Today is “Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water…” I was reading an article about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Syndrome). Like most people I thought it applied mostly to people in the military. Wrong. Come to find out, and I feel foolish as I say this out loud that I hadn’t thought of it sooner, it can happen to anyone who has been through any kind of traumatic experience. The only time I had been exposed to this diagnosis was when the father of my kids and I went to marriage counseling and he was diagnosed. I should have had a clue when he told me he had signed up and done 3 tours of active duty in Viet Nam that he was a little “off”, but for as intelligent as I may think I am, sometimes I can be a pretty slow study. LOL.

Outside of the military you would think of this as being associated with things like violent crimes, like rape, etc. What caught my attention was that almost any terrifying event can trigger it, including physical or sexual abuse, or a perceived serious threat to self or others. To be diagnosed according to the DSM (diagnosis guide book) 2 things have to be present.

DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD

A.

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.

2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

Now as we each learn as much as our passive aggressives will let us regarding their past, their growing up years, etc. , that many passive aggressive people have experienced these 2 things. In fact, supposedly in the United States, 60% of men and 50% of women experience a traumatic event during their lifetimes. I can’t believe it’s not more, but these numbers are from the people “in the know”. LOL.

So for instance, my passive aggressive boyfriend was physically abused as a kid, in which I’m sure at times he “feared for his life” and felt completely “helpless”. Then he went to Viet Nam. Feared for his life and the lives of his buddies, saw many of them die, felt “intense fear, helplessness and horror”.

The article goes on to say symptoms may include:

* Having flashbacks, nightmares, bad memories or hallucinations. (I think bad memories are a given. Don’t we all have some bad memories of something?)

* Trying not to think about the trauma or avoiding people who remind them of it. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma; (Does your passive aggressive try to avoid their parent(s) or family functions?)

* Not being able to recall parts of the event

*Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities; Not interested in life events

* Feeling emotionally numb or detached from others. Feeling of estrangement.  Restricted range of affect (for example, unable to have loving feelings); (Sounds so much like the passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/partner).

* Having trouble sleeping

* Being irritable, angry or overly jumpy (This one sound familiar? Sudden outbursts, or jumps to the ceiling every time there is an unusual noise?)

* Being hypervigilant

These symptoms will usually persist for more than a month, which some of them we’ve been living with for years! Once again I cannot believe how many disorders can be all wrapped into one passive aggressive personality.

I’m curious as to what you think? Are you dealing with a lot of this, or nothing other than parents neglect or abuse ever happened to your PA? I’ll tell ya, mine just keeps batting a thousand. LOL

“Innerbonding” A New Weapon Against PAs?

As I read a lot of the comments here (thank you all who have contributed so much), a lot of us are asking the same questions. What in me is causing me to fall for him/her? Why can’t I break away from the passive aggressive? What causes me to want to hold on to the passive aggressive spouse/ boyfriend/ parent? Who am I anymore?

In my travels around the web, I ran across the site “Innerbonding“. While we may not be able to cure the passive aggressives in our lives, we can certainly do what we can to heal ourselves from the hurt they have caused.

They have a free 7 day e-course for you to get a taste of what they do. They also are conducting free teleclasses, which the subject matter looks very interesting to me, especially for some of us here. There is a class tonite at 8 pm Pacific time and I know you won’t really have time to get on that one, but the one I am interested in making sure you know about is on Sept. 16 at 6:00 PM Pacific time titled “How To Know When To Leave A Relationship“. This class is FREE of charge and will be conducted by Dr. Margaret Paul, one of the founders of the site.To register, just click here and scroll down. Be sure and register for any other classes you may find of interest while you are there.

This is a membership site. I have not joined as a member, but there is a ton of great info on here for free as far as articles, newsletters, etc. They also have many different products, “The Relationship Toolbox”, etc. that you are able to purchase. She also conducts groups that are conducted by telephone at $50 per 90 minute session, but again the ones I’m most interested in are FREE.

They also have a site called “Self-Quest” that you may want to go roam around in. Obviously not every thing is going to be a “cure all” for everyone, but if you have been doing some soul searching lately you may want to check these two sites out.  If they ask, you can tell them Ladybeams sent you. If you purchase anything, it’s possible I’ll make a small commission, but as I said, there is a ton of free stuff on there to take advantage of.

Hope you find something helpful there.