Random Thoughts (About the Passive Aggressive) For the New Year

In the midst of trying to find a new place to live by the end of this month, I haven’t been writing much, but do come through and approve the comments so they can be seen, and thank you all so much for the help you give each other.

My oldest daughter was up for a visit after the holiday. We were talking about the passive aggressive boyfriend when she asked me “Don’t you think you’re a little passive aggressive also?”

I said “I’m sure I am to a certain extent. It rubs off on you, you know”. LOL

Thinking about moving, normally I would think this would be a great time for the passive aggressive and I to part ways. Unfortunately, due to finances we will be going together. I have been asking all along how he felt about where to move to and couldn’t get anything out of him. I finally told him I thought we would move closer to my kids (8 hours away) since he doesn’t keep in touch with his kids (2 hours away) anyway. That finally got an opinion out of him. Supposedly he really loves where we are, and we should look here first.

If anyone doesn’t know from my writing, or my answers to some of the comments, I am a Christian. (I try to get better at it all the time. LOL). My passive aggressive and I have been “living together” for 11 yrs. Since all we are is platonic roommates, are we still “living in sin”? Question for my Pastor I guess.

Rereading the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” these days. Like many of you I found myself in a rather deep depression with very defeatist thoughts. It’s time to lift my spirit back up to where it belongs, remind myself of all I’m capable of.

Thinking of moving this blog. WordPress is very restrictive on what it will and will not allow. I’m thinking about just buying my blog name in a domain name and moving it to a different server. Then people would just type in the name of the blog without the “wordpress” .com. What do you think? I know I would lose some people, which I would hate, but it would be a rather slow transition so people would know where we moved to to continue the conversation.

So how is your New Year starting out? Anyone make any life changing desicions? We have a whole clean slate out ahead of us. Let’s see what we can make of it!

12 Responses

  1. How will I be able to follow you. I have been reading this blog for about 2 years without reponding. you have helped me though many a bad times! I am hopefully coming to the end of a 2 year divorce process. Many years ago I realized that the problem in my marriage was the PA I was married to. So I would not want to lose the ability to continue to reading this blog.

    • Rose- I’m so glad you have found this site helpful. I hope it continues. Everyone here is so great about trying to encourage each other. If I move the site to it’s own domain, I will let everyone know, or have a “redirect” that will automatically go there from here, if WordPress will let me. Not to worry. I don’t want to lose touch either.

  2. I’m with you no matter what you decide. Best wishes for the new year. Love ya. Marilyn

  3. Ladybeams: Sorry for the “slump” you are in right now. I wish I had the magic answers or words of consolation, but I am a christian, too and how pathetic that all I can say is hang in there-keep believing that God will make a way for you…I don’t have any answers. It is a web of confusion for all of us. About the move-can you move in with one of your kids until you can get on your feet financially? You must have ruled that out in the past but thought I would mention it anyway. I am hoping and praying for joy in my life this year. Joy that no one destroys. Joy that lifts me above my circumstances and relieves me from the stress in my life. I wish everyone a blessed new year with good, happy times. Times of laughter and lightheartedness!
    I would like to keep communicating with all of you-no matter how you set the blog up. Thanks for this site. What a life saver for me!

    • Hi Sally- We got moved and things have started out marvelously so far. Nothing is perfect, but this is pretty good. Thank you for you well wishes and the light for the new year. I’m in. LOL. God did make a way for us, and I should have known He would as He always has.

      As for the blog, believe me, if I move it to it’s own domain, it will be very easy to find. I don’t want to lose any of you either as all of you have done so much for me in helping me maintain in my life. I love you all.

  4. Ladybeams…Sorry to hear you have been having a low. I’m not religious but I do have a little mantra that I draw on and try and live my life by and it’s “no matter how bad things are something good always comes out of it….you just have to find the good”.
    As far as I can see it you have lots of bad to deal with but you have an amazing “good” in your world too.That “good” is that because you are dealing with PA’s in your life you started your own blog and through it you are helping other people to understand and find their own way to deal with the PA’s in their lives too. How amazing and wonderful is that!!! That is something you should be so very very proud of!!!

    You asked if anyone has made any life changing decisions…well I have. I am relocating to London (UK). I have a new job ( was made redundant in Nov). I am house sharing my home in the North of England and am house sharing in London too. So all change!! Scarey but exciting stuff!!
    The PA ex didn’t take the news well and is still doing his woe is me, victim, don’t you think I’ve learnt a lesson act (like I seperated with him because I wanted to punish him…I didn’t, I just want a life for me that doesn’t involve treading on eggshells and being manipulated by a self obsessed, selfish, irresponsible, immature child of a man who is mentally aged 12 but in reality is 49).I had 13 yrs of him not caring how his decisions and behaviour effected me emotionally, practically or financially and I really don’t care anymore how my decisions now effect him. I don’t wish him ill, in fact quite the opposite, I hope he can find happiness and peace in his life, however it’s his responsibility to do that for himself, not mine.
    So I have decided 2012 is my year to do things my way and put my needs first. I must admit I’m scared of the unknown and it may not be the right move for me but ultimatley it is a decision that I have taken without having to consider anyone but me so what ever the outcome is the fact that I have done it makes me feel good and I’m ready and open to seeing where my life takes me next. It really doesn’t matter if it works out or not though because something good will come out of it in the end I’m sure!!!

    Big love to all and wishing you find what you need in 2012

  5. I just discovered your blog and also realized my husband who I dated for 5 years and have been married to for 13 years is most likely passive aggressive. We have a 9 year old son and I have 2 grown sons from my first marriage. He is distant and cruel. He blames everything on me and always inserts into most discussions WHY ARE WE MARRIED? I am a Christian and understand your dilema. I have mine own issues steming from childhood abuse so I have always been an easy target for his verbal attacks. I feel worthless and actually hate my spouse which I know is wrong. I wish he would divorce me,he would be doing me a HUGH favor. He won’t and I just starting working part time so I also understand the financial aspect of your situation. He did arrange for marriage consueling,which I was very happy about and felt we had turned a corner and was headed down a better road. WRONG she did not recognize the PA and I did not until our third session. He told half truths,failed to remember key issues happening and did not do ANY follow through on the what we discussed we would implement at home. I however have gotten some good tools to stay calm and on subject with him which is very hard to do. He has never withheld sex but never initates it either. Now our sex life is his biggest complaint. I revealed I had been molested as a child and he has taken that and ran with it. He brings it up in every discussion and now tells me I entered the marriage falsely and how deeply he has been hurt by the fact my molestation has caused him to have been cheated of a healthy sex life for 13 years. I stopped going to consueling with him since he has used something very hurtful in my past as weapon in his war against. He has up until now been avoidant and manipulative with occasional violent outburst,now he is constantly confrontational and very verbally aggressive. I fear what this is going to do to my son and pray God will either change this man’s heart or open a door for me to leave.

  6. Explore every option for getting out and then some. Status quo seemed like a feasible option to me too–the safe bet, in fact–but nothing is more unfeasible than sentencing yourself to perpetual unhappiness.

    Also, if you move this blog to its own domain name, you could establish a URL redirect so that users who visit the old address are automatically forwarded to the new one.

  7. Where is everybody? Haven’t heard from anyone on here for awhile and I need to vent!! Ha ha

    • This is my first time writing on a blog. I have seen my life in the previous posts and now don’t feel so alone. It is something I know a lot about. I have been married to a PA for 24 years. Of course I didn’t know what it was initially. I thought it was me. I played into his game for a long time and lost myself, my self esteem and self worth. I became a shell of a person. I was miserable. Not exactly what I’d hoped my life would be.
      The games, the underhanded jokes and comments. When I questioned why he had to be so mean his response was that I was too sensitive and overreacting. I would say, think about what you say before you say it. I’ve only seen him mad once. Once in 24 years. After a while I realized he doesn’t get mad, he gets even. I was scheduled to have bunco at my house. It was planned a year in advance. He’d known about it. I cleaned the house, prepared the snacks and waited for him to come home and take care of the kids for a couple of hours. Obviously he didn’t want to do it, cuz when he got home from work he announced that he had to go to  his sisters to work on his resume. I’ve had this planned for a year and you need to do it tonight? I was crushed. I called a friend and she watched the kids for me. He got what he wanted. He didn’t get mad, he got even.

  8. Hi Lady Beams,

    I just wanted to leave a comment following on from my last one in Jan this year. Following the seperation from the PA Husband in March 11 (my decision as I couldn’t live like that anymore), redundancy in Nov 11, relocation to London UK in Jan 12 and a complete and utter change of lifestyle I can honestly say it’s the best decsion I’ve ever made despite all the change and instability seperating from him caused. It’s been a very hard 18months and I’ve had to be brave, I’ve cried, I’ve been scared, I’ve felt lonely, I’ve had to adapt to rapid changes and it’s been a whirlwind of emotions but life is better now without him in it. I only have me to think about and I have no one draining me emotionally and financially and no one manipulating me or making me doubt that what I feel is real. It’s been so liberating and freeing.
    When I ended my relationship with the PA it was something simple that pushed me over the edge, I had not planned for it, I had no money and didn’t have a clue how I was going to make it happen from a financial point of view, but by hook or by crook I did it! Ok I’m working 65 hrs a week, I’m house sharing for the first time in my life, I have an hour and a half commute each way on trains to/from work every day and I have no family or friends that live near me so I’m very much on my own,but I’m happy and I’m free.

    I do understand though that not everyone can do it and that family ties and particularly finances can stop it from happening but if theres even a glimmer of light that you can then I would whole heartedly encourage anyone in a relationship with a PA to go for it and get out because you will not regret it.

    For those that have no choices and have to live with this cruel, warped, abusive behaviour then please please please trust your gut reaction and remember if it instantly doesnt feel right it isn’t. Try not to be blinded and manipulated in to feeling guilty and to blame for all the negativity that the PA creates and try and learn to put your needs first from time to time. The problem isn’t you it’s THEM! You can’t save them, you can only save yourself and protect any children involved.

    Big Love

    • Great Stuff! Well done, be very proud of yourself and next time put the prospective partner under a microscope:-) Remember, if he’s kind to animals other people and his mum he’s a good guy!

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