It’s NOT us, It’s The Passive Aggressive…

I’m making this short, because I’m in a hurry. I’ll be back with more on “withholding sex” but for now…

I was in the ‘behind the scenes’ answering comments when I came upon a discussion about trying to “fix things” and how some people feel like failures. I think that’s a common feeling for most of us. What we need to remember everyone is “THEY FAILED US”. We did not fail because we could not fix them, or because we didn’t love them enough. They failed us because they didn’t know how to be in an emotionally connected and loving relationship. While maybe our marriages, or relationships may have failed, that does not mean we failed. We were essentially “unarmed” for the fight.

Please, as you start to think those kinds of thoughts, and they will try to fill your head, please remember we are, or were ok when we got involved with them, and we can be okay again. They probably never will be.

12 Responses

  1. what a relief to find your page….I thought I was going mad…all the comments fit us to a tee… sad….and I LOVE your comment about our expiration date , it was priceless….meeting a lawyer friend tonight to chat and get some recommendations on a good lawyer she would suggest; won’t use her as she is a friend and I wouldn’t put her in that mess. Had a couple of relationship chats with him in the last couple of weeks… he does some little thing to make it look like he is working on it but leaves crap in the house that one just has to pick up and put away/put in the garbage/put in the recycle…..and I am not even a neat freak….trust me; I am in counselling to cope- I think he likes the feeling of power when I told him that I was going……

    • divertada- Hi and welcome! Trust me, until something happens where the light finally goes on, I think we all at one time or another have thought we were going crazy, and if we stay long enough, they will drive us there. LOL. So glad to hear you’re in counseling as a good support system is a necessity. That’s great that you have someone in authority to validate your feelings. That’s a biggie.

      You’re talking about the power it gives him knowing you’re going to a counselor reminds me of my last husband when he used my going to church against me. He made a crack about “how I should be going to church”. I just turned around and said, “Well, church is for the sinners. If I was perfect I wouldn’t need to go.” When I agreed with him to an extent that I needed to be there, he didn’t have any argument left. I never heard a word about it again. LOL. The same guy was such a narcissist that when I left him, he couldn’t believe it was because I couldn’t stand him anymore. He accused me of going with another man. I told him after being married to him, I was going lesbian, never heard another word on that one either. LOL. (No offense to anyone, please). You just need to have a good comeback ready if he ever says about how ‘crazy’ you are that you need a therapist, or whatever. Once they learn they are not going to get away with putting you down, they quit. They may try a new tactic, but they won’t use that one again.

      Please let us know how it’s going. Feel free to comment anytime. We all understand what you’re going through.

  2. I meant to comment on this post, but stupidly have writen on this: Passive Aggressive, Sociopath, or Both? – I would like for you to read it 🙂 Thanks xx

    • Cella- Hi. Welcome. You are free to rant, rave, cry or whatever, here anytime. (Anything but be abusive to another commenter). I did read your comment.

      What you say is so typical, especially about getting sex when you say you’re not in the mood, etc. He does sound like a great ‘reverse psychology’ experiment. Since you know him so well, I would tell him you wanted sex when you don’t and you don’t want sex when you do. LOL.

      I feel bad for you that you are in a country where you only have him. I don’t know if you speak any of the language or not, but if you do, people are very receptive if you just say ‘hi’. My last husband was from Canada and it didn’t take me long at all to make friends, even out of his friends, but I had to be very forward as far as being the first to put a hand out, or say hi to someone. I was only in his town for about 2 months, but by the time I left, I had made a few really close friends that I’m still in touch with over 10 yrs. later.

      If you don’t know the language, than learn it. I never learned metrics in school here in the US, but when I went to Canada and had to do the shopping, I learned metrics in a hurry. LOL. I hear Rosetta Stone is really good for people wanting to learn another language. You can always “google” it on the internet.

      It is hard to be with a passive aggressive even when you have a good support system, but to be without anyone is terribly tough. If you don’t do anything else, you may want to check calling plans so you can call the people who love and support you in your own country. While it will probably make you miss home more, it can also help you keep your sanity when you have no one else to turn to.

      For now, remember, you are not fat, unattractive, or any of the other things passive aggressives try to get us to think about ourselves so they can manipulate us. Start a journal remembering back to all the good things you have accomplished. If you think there aren’t any, then you’re not giving yourself enough credit.

      Keep in touch. Feel free to write anytime. Now that your comments have been approved, more may help also. Even though you can’t see them, there are a ton of us out here. You are definitely not alone!

  3. Ladybeams you are so right they did/do fail us! Thanks for the reminder.

  4. AMEN!

  5. Yes, and even with the passage of time, there will still be moments when you relapse into the old doubt: “Was it me after all?” As others have noted, it’s difficult not to waver when everyone else (your mutual friends! the general public! maybe even your family!) thinks that the passive-aggressive is just *so nice*. And if your situation is anything like mine was–and I’m sure it is!–you were told often enough, whether explicitly or implicitly (and most frequently by the passive-aggressive), that had *you* been a nicer person, you would not have driven your inherently amiable and intrinsically kind partner into acting contrary to his own nature (it was all in self-defense against *you*!). Don’t be fooled–it’s an act. Just remember, believing that you deserve to be treated badly is most likely a sign that you *are* being (or have been) treated badly. Take that as your cue to exit. You’re not his therapist; it’s not your job to figure out why he behaves this way or how he can fix it. Your only job is to figure out why *you* tolerate being treated badly by the person who is supposed to care for you the most.

    • I experienced a relapse myself when I learned that the passive-aggressive is officially in a relationship with a (former) mutual friend whom everyone would describe as “nice.” So I thought to myself, if his new partner doesn’t perceive anything amiss with him, maybe *I* am the crazy one. Then I remembered that during the course of our relationship, he: a) lied to her about me and lied to me about her; b) went to her for sympathy–generous, and more important, guaranteed–whenever he was unhappy with me; and c) habitually “managed” her even in situations that were unrelated to me. Not only does she generally avoid confrontation, she specifically regards him to be above reproach. In other words, he found someone easier to mistreat. I no longer feel doubt about myself–I feel sad for her.

      • And you should feel bad for her. He will do the same thing to her that he did to you. It’s only a matter of time. PA people just move on to the next person they can control. He can’t control you anymore so he’s moved on to someone he can control. It’s really that simple. Enjoy your new found freedom!

        • Thank you! We believe that we’re preserving stability by remaining in unhealthy relationships, but the truth is, we’re preserving a dangerous status quo. There can be no security and no peace without trust, and trust is the often first casualty when we become involved with a passive-aggressive.

  6. I am so glad to have found this site. I am not alone after all. I am married to a PA – he knows it, we’ve spoken about it, but he cannot change (in reality, he’s not even interested in trying – where’s the incentive when he works half a job and has a fab life tinkering with his clapped out cars while I work 2 jobs to support us?). We’ve had couple counselling, he appeared to comply, but cannot sustain. I have beat myself senseless thinking it was me and trying to be better. Now I know it is him and I cannot change him.

    I would leave, but we have a 5-year-old son. At the moment, for my son being in a family unit is for the best. That may change, but until then I cannot be the bad guy and tear the whole thing apart.

    I know that there are a good many reasons that it would be best for me to leave as our relationship will never improve, but everyone thinks my PA is a great guy. I would never bad mouth him as I don’t want my son to hear me being negative about him and I don’t want to alienate his family (who are lovely and who I rely on for childcare).

    I am marking time for the next 7 to 10 years (until my son is old enough to understand why it’s best for mom to move on) or until the atmosphere becomes toxic for my son.

    Thank you for being there!

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