As If Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders Don’t Exist..


Credit to "" for illustration

As if Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders don’t exist wasn’t bad enough the last time they revised the DSM handbook (guide for psychiatrists and psychologists called Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), but now they are discussing a new ‘DSM-5‘.

They are discussing turning ‘personality disorders‘ into ‘personality types’ and eliminating another 4 personality disorders. It is already so hard for us to find a therapist that truly understands passive aggression, because it’s not in their DSM-IV. As I have mentioned before, if you’re looking for a therapist to help with a passive aggressive spouse, child, parent, you need to interview the therapist well before you start paying for their time. Many simply will not recognize that the problem actually exists.

Originally they were going to eliminate 5 personality disorders from DSM-5, paranoid, schizoid, histrionic, dependent, and narcissistic. They now have decided to keep ‘narcissistic‘ and eliminate the other 4. This will make it even harder on us, the ones seeking help because many of our passive aggressives overlap categories. Once DSM-5 comes out, the above personality disorders will not even be acknowledged any more.

If you would like to know more, you can visit If since dealing with your particular passive aggressive you have been exploring the different personality disorders, you may find this very interesting. They also have a section of public comments. Though it is closed for new comments as of June of this year, it is interesting to read what others have to say.


6 Responses

  1. Really interesting website about all the disorders a person can have. Kind of scares the heck out of me though. So what pray tell has the PA done to us all? Are we developing a psychological response to it ….and what might that be called? Makes a body wonder doesn’t it?

    I know for a fact that I started to develope a few nasty little problems but have since tried very hard to see things in a brighter light since leaving the PA. Sure it’s lonely, Sure it’s scarey, but it’s MY lonely scarey life now….I don’t have to deal with the confusion and chaos that he produced for me any more. I can produce my own chaos very well thank you!
    By letting ourselves think that “people won’t accept us” because we left such a sweet person (that the PA would have them believe he is)…
    It’s all hog wash! You are who you are. If the partner you chose turns out to be something that the medical community doesn’t recognize as PA anymore and they put a new spin on it by renaming it something else, doesn’t it still affect the same way? The fact that you didn’t connect is all it is. You trying too hard and him not trying at all…That’s the way I see it.
    Walk on and don’t stay and try and fix it unless you must–everything you do is YOUR choice, YOUR decision, YOUR life and YOUR consequence to live with. I chose to move on. And it hasn’t been easy.

    • jmarie- There’s the jmarie we know and love! LOL. You go Woman! You are so right.

      No one can expect things to get great over night just cuz they left, but what you can expect is knowing you are responsible for how you feel. While one may be lonely at first when they are out on their own, isn’t it just a little better kind of lonely than being lonely in a marriage? At least you know it’s just because you’re used to having some one around. When you are lonely in a marriage, you can’t just turn on the TV for company and have it fixed. When you’re a little lonely in your new life, you can call and talk to someone who supports you. When you’re lonely in your marriage, the one person you should be able to talk to to support you, you can’t.

      Life is going to have it’s ups and downs. That’s life. I don’t think those ups and downs are quite so bad as the emotional roller coaster you ride at the hands of a passive aggressive spouse, when you only have limited control because you’re sharing the same space.

      I remember when you first started writing jmarie. Your PA was going through therapy and you were trying not to get your hopes up, yet still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. You’ve come a long way, and I’m happy for you. I’m sure as you focus on the adventure you have ahead of you I have no doubt that you will find a happiness out there that you deserve, instead of being someone else’s verbal punching bag, babysitter, etc.

      I don’t like her intro in this video, but the song is perfect for our (all of us with PAs) “theme song”. If you haven’t listened to it already, you can here Sara Evans “A Little Bit Stronger” here on YouTube- Blessings to you My Dear.

  2. ladybeams,
    I couldn’t agree more with the words of that song. I like Reba’s song “consider me gone” too.
    I am trying very hard to decide what I want to do with the time I have left on this earth. What is a real bummer though is I don’t seem to be able to choose between 3 things….it’s kind of like a menu in a restaurant that reads on forever and ever and you don’t know what to order.
    I do know that after all the research on PA and the 20 year “tasting” of what a PA can do to you in your life- if you let them- I won’t be ordering that dish again! It’s not on my menu for life.
    I see some new names on here too. I am glad (on one hand) that they are finding out that they are not alone and many here can help them if it’s only to share their own story. On the other hand, I wish none of us had to be here due to the PA’s in our lives, but alas we are here reaching out. I appreciate the community of concern for each other. Keep up the good work Ladybeams..

    • jmarie- Thank you so much. I am glad the people here help each other also. That’s exactly what I was hoping for. I obviously only know my PA. While we all find ourselves in similar situations, each is different. I love that those, like you, who are farther along on the journey to freedom can offer hope and a picture of the future to those still sitting on the fence.

      I do know what you mean by a “menu”. I too find myself so full of ideas I don’t know what to do first. LOL. I know at one time you spoke about doing a second book. Did you ever start that, or are you journaling now as you go? I hope you’ve enjoyed some success with your first book. Nothing like learning from someone who’s been through it all vs. just a “clinical point of view”.

      Glad you like my choice in music. LOL. I find certain songs encouraging.
      Take care, and please stay in touch. I always enjoy hearing from you and appreciate the help you’re willing to share with others.

  3. Ladybeams,
    I went back and read your title “As if Passive aggressive personality disorders don’t exist”. As long as there is a sun in the sky, they will…but most will see them as a man/woman “who has trouble with their partner”. People will not see what we have seen because the PA will not allow that to happen outside of the relationship. Normal loving people find it hard to understand what we all have lived. The mind set of “Oh poor me” and “Nice guy” in which these types of people project will always be our cross to bare if we stay with them. Don’t give up speaking about how it hurts, because it does hurt to those of us who only want what is good and right and loving and giving in this world. Don’t fault yourself for failing to change him/her….you can’t. But what we can change is ourselves. It is up to each and every one to decide what we need, want, and strive for.
    For me it was PEACE from the confusion that they (PA) envelope us in- in the relationship. I now pay the price for my decision to leave, but it is far better than what I would have lived with by staying. The price I’ve paid is well worth the struggle I go through day by day because I gain back that which was mine before I met him….My self esteem. It isn’t easy and those little messages you send yourself which keep you paralyzed in moving forward are a by-product of the loss of self esteem. Feel it?
    Stop doing to yourself what was being done to you. You didn’t deserve it when you were in the relationship and you definitely don’t deserve to give it to yourself now…be kinder to yourself. Now is the time to do for yourself that which could have been done “if only” he/she would have been better taught. Not your problem. Really it never was, but we took it on as our problem…WRONG! Stand your ground, reach for your own sky now and let no one make you think you can’t.
    MAN! It is difficult!!! But ya gotta do what ya gotta do if you are to find your own PEACE.
    I am still journaling and it helps, but I find sometimes life keeps getting in the way in doing as much as I had been doing. As for another book, probably not yet. I need a lot of thought and a lot of closure to something that is still very fresh. I want to be the best me before I embark on another goal of that magnitude. God is helping me with my healing.
    I listen to the words of many songs and have always found encouragement. Maybe I should write a song LOL
    Take care ladybeams

    • jmarie- I love you. LOL. It is a struggle, and it’s not easy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

      This is where the three “C’s” of Al-anon come in. We didn’t “cause” it. We can’t “control” it. We can’t “cure” it. That is probably one of the most useful quotes I’ve ever heard for maintaining my sanity. The second most useful thing I think I’ve learned is about the “Self Esteem” file. When life looks like pure hell and you’re in the pits, it’s always nice to be able to pull out the accolades of people who really care about you, or admire the well done job you’ve done.

      Last, but definitely not least, I too have God for my strength and healing. Knowing the possibility of turning people off here, and not really turning this into a religious forum, it’s the truth. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about another matter that concerns us both, and she is in the depth of despair. I said something about it being purely God’s Grace that things are working out ok for me, that I wondered what atheists do when they don’t have any hope. That was when she asked if I was a Christian, and she let me know she was athiest. As I see her, that’s the only thing I can account for the difference in how we’re both handling our situations. She’s a mess and can barely get out of bed.

      Ok, enough about that. LOL. Anyway, I’m glad to hear your healing. It takes a long time, and longer according to how long you were with the PA, but I can tell from getting to know you here, jmarie, you’re going to come out on top!

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