Life Has Gotten In The Way of Even the Passive Aggressive

That’s right. Life has gotten in the way of even the passive aggressive! LOL. I can’t even bitch too much because I haven’t had a lot of time recently to interact with him, which is also why I haven’t been able to post anything new in awhile. Sorry, but I am still here, and am still in my situation, and still interested in how everyone is doing.

I have checked all the comments and approved the ones that were waiting. I would like to explain that while I wish I could just let everyone comment so you guys could go ahead and help each other without me, the SPAM is incredible. I deleted 5 pages, or 86 comments tonight. I don’t have time to read them all and weed them all out, so I read the first page and delete the rest, but if I let everyone comment without looking at them first, this blog would turn into crap, and I can’t let that happen. So, I would ask that you just have a little more patience. After Monday I will have more time again and be much more attentive.

So, as for what I’m up to lately (I figure if you’ve left a comment, I have an idea of what you are up to, LOL, but if I haven’t heard from you lately, please feel free to share), I am running a care center for old passive aggressives. LOL.

I have an older lady friend (80) two doors down from me, I’m bringing my mother home from rehab, and I have the BF. I am a gluten for punishment. LOL. My mother is like a lot of the passive aggressive parents I read about here, except she’s also downright aggressive. My girl friend a couple of doors down, we’ve known each other for almost 30 years, and competed for the same man at one time. She’s been a substantial help to us since we moved down the street from her, except she seems to forget she gets a lot of help in return. And then I have the passive aggressive BF, who used to come home from work and tell me about people wanting to hire him on the side. I ordered him cards, etc. but now wonder if he ever gives them out. LOL. I love it!

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10 Responses

  1. Hi, just came across your site in hopes of better defining the behavior of passive-aggressiveness (PA). I am a healthcare provider married for 19 years this month to a beautiful women who has put up so many walls around her, i know no longer to whom i am married. I love the descriptions everyone has posted, replied, shared etc.. know most of them first hand. just wondering, i have a lot more reading and scrolling and searching… but is this site mainly from the women’s perspective? Are any husbands visitors to this site, i know the feeling of being alone in a relationship is not gender-based or biased, but could/would like to relate from a man/husband/father’s point of view.. JoeB

    • Joe,
      As Peggy said, this is not gender based. In fact, I am new here, but will go you all one better – it’s not heterosexually specific either. It is an equal opportunity destroyer.
      I am a guy and was with my “husband” for 23 years. Yes, we outlasted even our of our straight friends who were married. It is only now that I see our time together for what it was – often happy and even loving, but honestly and sincerely dysfunctional. I have always been a “rescuer and a fixer” I know now, while he was always PA.
      He never made a decision, yet always hated everyone I made. I was never nice enough, sexy enough, social enough some days, while the very next day I should have been “meaner, dressed less sexy, or been less social and focused on him.”
      So Joe, for 23 years I could do nothing right except blindly love him and honestly believe, as he said, that I was always the source of any of our relationship problems, and It was “ALL MY FAULT.” Silly me, I truly believed that. I went to therapists to “change” into what it was he said he needed me to be. Sadly, I was exactly who he wanted me to be – a saviour, a fixer, a steadfast companion, albeit punching bag, and above all an excuse for anything and everything in his life that made him unhappy and for every unfulfilled dream and desire he may have ever had. I tried until the very end.
      Are you ready for the crazy part now?? He actually left me. After years of that threat of “I will divorce you if you don’t change/give me what I want cause it’s all your fault” etc, he left me a week before this past Christmas. Want to know why? I confronted him about an emotional affair he was having with a boyfriend from 25 years ago he found on facebook. I saw the phone bill with 200 texts on it and when his phone went off while wrapping Christmas presents I took a peek to see who was so popular. Lo and behold it was the old boyfriend half dressed (pic) with some comment to the effect of “Cant wait to see you…left that awful controlling husband yet..”
      Now of course my husband’s sane response to being confronted with this was “How dare you invade my privacy – That’s it I’m leaving you!!”
      Of course I begged and pleaded and apologized, and truly believed in my messed up head (which he had carefully cultivated for 23 years, as well as alienating my family and friends) that it was indeed all my fault. I even suggested counselling. He agreed to go, only to bail one hour before the first session. Smartest thing I did was go alone to that session. Within two meetings, my very astute therapist called it like it was – He’s a PA and you have been manipulated into a codependent position. From that point on I read everything and my eyes were opened. I felt ashamed that I was oblivious. Even my family told me later that they always saw it and wondered how I put up with his constant digs and put downs. How I was never good enough and everything was “ALWAYS MY FAULT” and ‘NEVER HIS”
      He moved out a week after Christmas. Want to be sick? I helped him pack the uhaul truck. I was loving and supportive of him needing time. I foolishly thought he would come to his senses, or even better – that I could “help” him get through this. His last words to me were “I packed everything in the truck but my heart. I will leave that here with you.”
      I cried, I went on anti-depressants, I blamed myself, I begged him back. And then after a couple more weeks of therapy and some well advised emotional detachment, I began to have some clarity in my life. He did me a favor when he left, as I had to confront the demons and deal with myself and my share of responsibility enabling his behaviour head on. I walked through the fire to emerge now 4 months later stronger, more sane, and more the independent, less-stressed person I vaguely remember from 23 years ago.
      I still have moments of sadness, especially as I took the very dangerous road of continuing to see him for dinner/movies, etc. to remain “friends” while I carefully emotionally detached. It worked for the first few months, but I did slip a bit into caring a little too much. I felt bad for him in his little apartment “struggling” as he was. He went into complete victim/martyr mode, and never missed a chance to ask how “my” therapy was going. I told him it was great, but didn’t elaborate on why I actually felt better seeing the truth after all these years. Though I did practice the correct communication with him and never fell into the argument trap. I encouraged him to get help and he always still says “I don’t have a problem, you do.”
      So now four months later, I had dinner with him a couple days ago, and guess what? He was in “crazy mode” and I was berated for two hours about how awful his life is and how it is still…wait for it…”ALL MY FAULT.’ I couldn’t resist and asked how that could be now that he’s on his own. His response…”I would not be where I am in my life if you had not made all the mistakes you did and put “us” in this position.” “I had no choice but to leave.”
      I will admit, I teared up, as it is still hard to be attacked by someone you will in fact always love, even when your logical mind tells you why they are doing it. But let’s illustrate crazy one last time Joe… He called for the check and announced to me that he wanted no contact with me ever again – he couldn’t take it because I am so “awful” and I haven’t “changed.” And the worst part – He can’t handle that I am so “nice and understanding and supportive” now and I wasn’t in our marriage. So we walked to our cars, but he stopped me one last time to say this… “And you better get ready, because when my lease runs out on this apartment in 6 months I will be moving back home with you cause I can’t afford to be on my own and it’s all your fault so get ready cause it won’t be very comfortable living together..”
      My friends and family actually jokingly call this “riding the crazy train” now. Sometimes in the past few months I will admit I have hopped on for a ride (even done the sex with the ex – for the record it was the best sex in 20 years for a good couple months, even though we were down to once every 4 months while married. During those two months it was sometimes twice a day and very creative too. Don’t regret it, but wouldn’t advise it. Doesn’t help with the emotional detachment.) Now I have stepped off the “crazy train” again. Feeling a little sad. I know it’s easier to completely emotionally and physically detach, but I wanted to take the higher road that felt honest to me.
      So Joe, you will never get past those walls your wife has, unless she has an epiphany and starts to tear them down herself. And guess what? That probably won’t happen cause I bet she “doesn’t have the problem – you do.”
      Something else – it is no surprise at all that you are a healthcare provider. Many “caregiver/rescuer/co-dependents” choose healthcare careers. It is a natural fit and you are probably very successful and fufilled. But realize, that you can not, and are not capable, of curing what ails your marriage. You can only heal yourself, and control your responses and choices. It is heartbreaking when you realize that the PA probably does in fact love you in a sick and needy way, and does “need” you in their life, but physician, heal thyself is the phrase that springs to mind.
      My favorite is the serenity prayer. We all need the wisdom to know what we can change, and even more so what we can’t.
      I bet it bugs you that everyone thinks your wife is great/nice/life of the party, etc., while only you get to see this other side that makes you question yourself and think you are crazy. Well, we are all a little bit crazy to be in these types of relationships Joe – and we have to figure that out. But at the end of the day we are NOT all capital letters “CRAZY.” Even though they want us to be, and we feel better sadly feeling responsible (cause then we have a chance to fix it right??).
      My shrink actually kicked me out of therapy last week and said I was wasting his time at this point since there was nothing really problematic with personal psyche now that I had woken up and gotten some of my long lost self esteem back.
      Hard? yes. Painful? Absolute gut wrenching. I didn’t eat for weeks, I cried for no reason. But it does get easier. Maybe not tomorrow. But it will.
      The real truth Joe is that everyone’s view on this issue is ultimately the same I have found as I have educated myself. Man, woman, husband, wife, brother, sister, son, daughter. All the same. In some ways it will help to know you are not special or unique and that “since you are different yours if fixable.” Trust me. It’s not. I wanted so badly for my situation to be the one that could be fixed, because I couldn’t be like all the things I was reading? Right? Wrong. You will in fact get strength from the moment you realize that you are in good company.
      Stay and choose to understand and accept your reality and the level of happiness that you know now, because it will not change. Only your understanding and acquiescence will – which will in fact make bearing it easier.
      Or grow in knowledge and know you must leave to fulfill your vision of what you need your life to be. Of course it’s scary. I’m still scared many days, and dating?? Really freaking scary as we’ve gotten older. Lonely? Yes, at times. But are you lonely even inside your marriage? It’s a different thing now. More like “alone” more so than “lonely.”
      I don’t know if this rambling has helped you at all, I hope it has. I haven’t spoken of my story to anyone but my shrink and my mom and sister to date, but something about your plea called to me.
      You will find that you will come to sites like this to build knowledge, and inner strength from a sense of not feeling so alone. But it was my time to give back with my story as it were.
      To all of you, have hope. Have strength. You are not alone. And if anyone needs an email friend, please get in touch, as I find myself needing a circle of friends these days, and I think karma dictates we get what we give…scott

      • hey Scott.. thanx everything helps when someone shares their experiences.. I’m learning that i am in good company and never did i feel that my situation was unique. but depressing-yea because there is no “treatment” for this disease that has infected our marriage and getting help for it, if that was easy, we wouldn’t be talking about this problem in the first place. I think i know what i have to do and i’m not afraid for myself… i am so use to being lonely and just existing in this relationship that being without her is not going to be difficult, but hopefully relieving. I hope and pray that i can continue to be the father i try to be to our 4 children though and to be honest, that’s what has delayed my actions to this point. Ultimately i know in my heart that i cant continue for another 10 years like this. Neither of us are happy and im sure to some degree it is already affecting the children. So thank you for your insight and your concern.. i hope you are in a better place and you stay there… I will be a visitor to this site/blog as long as it exists.. like most things in my life time is very limited to address things as often as i would like but I’ll do my best to check in .. Joe B

      • Scott- I cannot thank you enough for all you shared and the help you have given. It is quite so obviously from the heart. We all are so much more alike, going through “alike” circumstances more than we know, no matter who you are. There are no boundries. Thank you again, and please comment anytime.

    • Joe- Welcome! and yes we do get comments from men, but not as frequent. You guys are not as open as we women are about what’s going on, so many of the men suffering from a passive aggressive woman don’t necessarily write. If you scroll through the comments though, you will find Andy, and Paul, and a few others who are putting up with what we put up with, only in reverse.

      You are right. This is not gender based, and you may actually get some good advice from the women here getting a ‘woman’s point of view’. Trust me, we’ll be the first to tell you, and to help you, if your woman is treating you wrong. The difference between getting advice from women vs. from men is at least other women usually know what your woman may be up to. LOL.

  2. Hey Joe-
    There may be a lot of women posting here but there is full understanding that this type of behavior does not discriminate based on gender. I think you can easily read so many of these and just say ‘she’ instead of ‘he’.

    This site has been so instrumental to so many of us working through it all – please do not let the fact that there’s more female posts- please stick around, learn, and lean as needed.

  3. Everyone is so quiet around here lately; life really HAS gotten in the way. I just wanted to check in and say that here on my end there have been big developments. My PA has come down from manic cycle and is in a state of mind where he is actually behaving as a grown-up toward me – for now. He’s attempting to ‘revisit’ old business and I’m proud, proud, proud to say that I have set the boundaries and been very good at recognizing ‘baiting’. I’m sticking to the basic logistics of co-parenting; times, schedules and expectations of caregiving.

    I also cannot say enough about the benefits I’m experiencing from my two solid years of document, document, document, document. The devil is in the details, and holy moley is the devil obvious when those details are combined into a mosaic snapshot of how a PA operates. The benefits of documenting have been a sheer drop off in my feelings of insanity/dismissal, a reference guide that validates every feeling I’ve ever had about this (turns ‘vague’ into ‘hard core facts’) and a tool for accountability.

    For two years every single communication we have had has been in written form or in front of a counselor. Every. single. one. – and I could not be happier that I chose this route. I documented, disengaged and set boundaries, and it’s slowly, but very tangibly, paying off.

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