Valentine’s Day- Passive or Aggressive?

vdaypupHey, I’m still here. LOL. I missed a golden opportunity last Monday (still getting settled from the move and all) so I’m going to ask post holiday. How was your Valentine’s Day? Was your passive aggressive passive? or aggressive?

Our Valentine’s Day here was extremely passive. Actually my passive aggressive boyfriend is usually quite romantic. At least when it comes to flowers or candy, etc. As long as it doesn’t include actually touching. LOL. This year with so much going on, the move, the added expense of a lawyer, etc. we just really didn’t have the money to do a whole lot.

I have to confess also. It’s not like I’m “Red hot Mama” anymore when it comes to anything romantic with him. Fair is fair. I wished him a Happy Valentine’s Day and I’m afraid that’s about as good as it got.

Yeah, I probably could have done something special, but why? It seems a little hypocritical when there’s nothing the rest of the time. Oh boy, I can hear the cynicism in my own voice. LOL.

How about you? Did you make dinner reservations? Receive flowers at work? What was your Valentine’s Day like? I’m willing to live vicariously. LOL. Was your Valentine’s Day passive or aggressive?



4 Responses

  1. You know my situation. More than anything, I just wanted the day to be over. But I didn’t have to endure either passive or aggressive. Somebody else got that pleasure this year. Sometimes I wonder if the number of people who enjoy VD could possibly outnumber the people who hate it because they are hurting or alone.

    • Marilyn- So good to hear from you. I think about you often. I’ve been meaning to write, but it’s been so crazy!

      I think under normal circumstances, I would probably rather enjoy it alone than be so disappointed or hurt, or fighting, which a lot of guys do to get out of the whole thing. I think it’s great that so many places now are celebrating “singleness” on Valentine’s Day by having singles parties, etc. I think there are a lot of people who are single by choice and would just a soon keep it that way. ( I know you’re not necessarily one, but there are a lot). I think it’s ok to celebrate you loving you.

      Take care, and I’m so glad you popped in. We’ll have to chat sometime soon.

      • Hi everyone-
        I’ve been lurking but not commenting as of late!
        Mostly, I’ve been going through comments and re-reading stories to remind myself that I’m not in this alone nor am I unique in dealing with it – both are comforting reminders!

        Right now the big struggle w/my PA co-parent is his neverending undulation in life choices and priorities… for the past three years he’s been focused elsewhere – you know, on the NEXT BIG THING- and has been only around and involved with our child’s life at about the 15% level. Well now THE NEXT BIG THING didn’t pan out so he’s now suddenly RETURNED and hinting that he’ll be much more PRESENT. …grrreaaat…

        Here’s the tough part; he won’t admit, on any level, that he was ever GONE. Seriously. He pretends like this new attention to our kid is his normal, everyday mode of operation. I have learned to never, ever, ever get into a discussion about it w/ him if there’s not a counselor in the room. If I try to talk to him about it – to say ‘This new focus is how things SHOULD be, and should HAVE BEEN and you now must STAY CONSISTENT for the next 10 years- you cannot waiver on your focus on a whim” he will literally say “What are you talking about?” and no matter how many specifics (with dates, times and quotes from emails sent from him) I list he will still say “Did not.”… and suddenly it’s a ‘did not, did too’ preschool level argument… and we’re right back to stalled, stagnated and utter ridiculousness. Can’t have a grownup conversation with that constant stonewalling.

        Good news is that I have stuck to my rules of only discussing issues in front of a counselor and in there, with her ears present and her guidance, he is not allowed to instigate the ‘did not’ routine. The counselor listens to me state my facts, asks him to respond (and he ALWAYS responds with excuses and with statements of dismissal i.e.”What’s the big deal?”), she then asks me to respond (and I point out the excuses and dismissals). I’m not exactly sure what is getting accomplished, but it feels good to have a grown up in the room – cuz he ain’t!- when hefty issues are being discussed. I don’t expect him to change anymore, I’m doing these sessions to build up a background with the counselor so that when my daughter starts feeling the ramifications of having a PA dad I’ll be able to send HER to my counselor and my counselor will become HER support system; that’s my ultimate goal. The only way I’m going to protect my daughter is to educate myself on strategies that keep me sane and healthy and model those strategies to her, and empower her with the support systems I am establishing. Notice nowhere in there is there a statement of ‘change him’, but there is also no statement of ‘allow him’ – I think for me that’s my next step on this journey – I refuse to ‘accept’ who he is b/c it’s hurtful, harmful and unhealthy – to EVERYONE including him! Like my counselor says though “He doesn’t know anything else.” and for that I truly feel badly for him. Relationships really don’t need to be so wrought with subterfuge and head games!

        I can, however, take my own strength and wisdom and develop a buffer and a fortress around myself and my daughter to protect us from his choices and his mindset. It’s a looong journey, but there have already been huge benefits for me.

        • Peggy- So good to have you back. Sorry all of a sudden for you he has no where else to turn his attention for now. I think it is so excellent about only having grown up discussions with him when there is a counselor included. It has to be so much less frustrating. I know when I used to present facts and they deny, deny, even when it’s staring them in the face, I would get so frustrated I break down in tears. Nothing like giving all the power to the other side. LOL. Your way is much smarter.

          The only thing is like you say about him focusing for the “next 10 years”, I can’t imagine that will ever happen, tho for your daughter’s sake that would be a shame if it doesn’t. I just don’t think any of them can stay truly focused on anyone or anything for that long. It’s so good that you are thinking a few steps ahead of him concerning your daughter, because one day some other “shiny object” will catch his eye and he’ll be back to the way he was.

          I missed you. Thanks for sharing. I can tell that he still gets to you from the tone of your writing. And of course he knows right where you’re the most vulnerable, with your daughter, but it sounds like you still have your head together and your mind going far beyond his comprehension. I’m glad re-reading through here helps a little. It does me too.

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