Back From M.I.A.

Hey everyone! Sorry I disappeared for a few days. On top of everything else, my internet was cut off temporarily. Since the passive aggressive employee hasn’t had many hours, (translating into very tiny paycheck), and my investment going bad yielding no paycheck at all anymore, we had a little too much month and not enough money. LOL. But back up and running now. I’m looking forward to getting caught up on the comments and hearing how everyone is doing.

As for us, we’re about the same. I speak, the passive aggressive ignores. You know the routine. LOL. Lately the point of contention has been putting transmission fluid in the car. The gears are slipping and I’ve been telling him about it for a few weeks. I finally got the fluid, now it’s a matter of getting it in the car. I swear, you would think we were made of money. I told him it’s an easy $2500 to replace the transmission in the car. He swears he’ll put the fluid in this AM.

I find myself saying two things much more often lately. The first one is “I’m just trying to understand what you could be thinking. I’m trying to understand your logic” when it comes to some of the things the passive aggressive boyfriend does. The second one is one I end up uttering under my breath a lot. “A**hole.”

I don’t know if my patience is wearing thinner or he’s being his passive aggressive self more often. Haven’t quite come to a conclusion yet. Either way, it’s not a good thing. LOL.

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7 Responses

  1. No one could ever say you haven’t tried. You have three times more patience than I have and I have a lot. I think that no matter how much we try they will try that much harder to test us. It’s pretty much a question of who’s going to break first. They make “unconditional ” love an impossibility. One thought…your PA may be crossing over to NPD. I’m hearing some very familiar stuff. You know I care about you. Don’t let him bury you.

  2. Hi Ladybeams,
    Welcome back.. we missed you.
    As for your utterings….
    My impression about the one
    ” trying to understand his logic”…
    Ladybeams, you know full well there is no logic. It’s a personality disfunction he doesn’t want to look at in himself and it is just him protecting himself from God knows what…and having the control in the realtionship.
    As for the one about mumbling “A**hole”…you are angry and fed up..don’t let that anger grow inside you! That is not physically good for you. I know first hand!
    Update on me…
    I am doing well, alone, and growing. The support group at my church is something that helps me to see that everything I am feeling is NORMAL… and it gives me wonderful guidance.
    The PA is still trying to manipulate me from afar by signing me up to receive spam email that is connected to everything he withheld in the relationship. Just his way of attempting to control..Notice the word “ATTEMPTING” . In the beginning it would make me upset…now I just use that little button called “delete” and all my troubles magically disappear….That is a good feeling. I just wish there would have been a button called “delete” sooner in the relationship…LOL

    • jmarie- Glad to hear you’re doing well and thanks for the reminder about anger growing inside. I really try to let stuff just roll off my back as they say, but sometimes…LOL.

      I found a lot of support at church also, and absolutely loved being a part of it. I’m a little anxious about having to move to a new church now, but we will just be too far away to be involved with this one much. And yes, isn’t the “delete” button a God Send at times? Too bad we couldn’t use it in other places of our lives. LOL. (I wish I had an “easy button” a lot also)

  3. Glad to see you back. 🙂 In my almost-three-year marriage to my PA, I’m learning new things every time we have an argument. I still believe he’s PA, but it is starting to seem to me that he has other issues too. I all too often utter “A–hole” under my breath, but sometimes I genuinely feel sorry for him. Not sorry in the way you feel bad for someone when they’re pet rabbit dies. Sorry in the form of pity. I find it pitiful that he is so trapped in his own mind that he can’t feel love, true happiness, the freedom in trusting others, the freedom — in fact — of being able to depend on God.

    We had a fight recently where he went into a pretty big rage over something he wanted me to do that I didn’t know I was *supposed* to do (because he never said a word to me about it). I also didn’t know why he was so angry, because he never talked about it until much later. And he got *really* angry. I wasn’t scared enough to call the cops, but he had me rather alarmed. An hour later, he’s acting like nothing happened and he’s fine and dandy.

    I’ve often wondered why God let me fall headlong into this marriage. I think in a way, He’s teaching me a lot about ME. Finally I’m learning to depend on myself and not others for happiness in this life. I’m learning to see through the B.S. in other people instead of trying to help them through it. In my learning to deal with him, I’m growing a tough skin. I can’t help but wonder if, by adjusting my responses, he could mature a little bit.

    Things I’ve learned about my PA:
    (Anyone else have similar experiences?)

    1) he’s OCD about orderliness/cleanliness.
    2) since other people *aren’t* OCD in that way, he gets frustrated with things and the anger wells up and wells up until it bursts forth.
    3) since he’s PA, he doesn’t know how to express that anger most of the time except by subversive attacks. Namely: to not do anything — lay on the couch and say it’s my fault that he’s not doing anything…because if I would just keep a “cleaner” house to “his” standards, he’d feel more motivated to “hold up his end of the bargain”. (Nevermind the fact that there is truly not enough hours in the day to keep a house as clean as he wants it…especially with an 18 mo old running around.)
    4) anything he says in an argument that is hurtful, he’s saying only because he’s angry. Not because he means nit.
    5) Likewise, he believes everyone else does the same thing — so in our “argument” when I was cool as a cucumber, saying “we need marriage counseling” and “I think you need to talk to someone about your passive-aggressiveness and anger issues”, he thinks I’m just trying to hurt his feelings. 🙂 Nope. I meant it, mister.
    6) He seems to genuinely want to be a good husband and father. He is just in a constant battle with his OCD, and his anger issues.
    7) His OCD and other warped ways of dealing with things are his reality. I’ve figured out that he *cannot* see any other way, because it simply can’t co-exist with his current mindset. That’s why when someone disagrees with him on a point of opinion, then *they’re* wrong. With him, there simply isn’t an option that there could be two ways of looking at a thing.

    It makes me pity such a man. His life is slowly deteriorating before our eyes — his friends are slowly going away — all his plans are slowly going to waste because he has too high of expectations on the rest of the world and much too high expectations on his own ability to control his environment.

    Welcome to Earth, Mr. PA. You are officially not the center of it.

    🙂

    • Hi Amy- Great to hear from you.

      It’s funny, but I hadn’t really thought of the OCD part, but yes, mine is also. Not as drastic as yours. He wouldn’t dare tell me what a lousy housekeeper I am (and I am) but he is very particular about his little space at the kitchen table, or how his clothes are folded. Many ways he’s as out-of-control with housekeeping as I am when it comes to his nightstand, etc. but then that is all his stuff. It’s mainly in community settings that I see how particular he is if I sat in his spot while he was gone and left my coffee cup or something. Crazy, and now thinking about it that way, thanks for the chuckle.

      Keeping calm while confronting them about their behavior is really the best way I’ve seen so far to handle a PA. Of course you keeping calm will drive him nuts. What a PA is really looking for is for us to rant and rave so they know they are in control.

      So now that you are understanding more about what’s really up with him, what is your plan? It sounds like there’s not a chance he’s going to admit there is anything wrong with him to see a counselor about, so he will remain as he is, probably getting worse in the future. I hope you have plenty of support around you at least, either through church, friends, family, someone who you can share things with and keep reminding you you aren’t the one with all the problems.

      Of course that’s what we’re here for also. LOL.

  4. creator Amy Waterman has all the strategies necessary to aid
    resolving conflicts, increase self esteem, advantages forgiveness, and re ignite the love that you both once felt.
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    • Thanks for the tip Margie, but when it comes to dealing with a passive aggressive the normal solutions to problems don’t necessarily work as they would with a mentally healthy person.

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