Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20’s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?


4 Responses

  1. Alright, here’s my two cents (dollars)… I’m disturbed by this ‘focus’; the focus on finding / securing / defining of a ‘next relationship’. When I first read the title of this blog entry I was all excited to engage in a conversation about ‘personal next’ as in completely, wholly separate from any other individual. The act of defining SELF and making a laundry list of who *I* am and who I want to be to ME ; my own personal non-negotiables is so much more important than developing a list of an outside person. I think, if we’re really doing the work we need to break the pattern, restart our lives, find fulfilment, develop an interesting life, then we have to stop the cycle of hoping an outside individual will come along and meet a laundry list of requirements. To me, even making that laundry list is the first step toward another empty relationship.

    I’m not against making that list to define your boundaries in a relationship, but that list comes a couple of years AFTER you make and progress with that same list for YOURSELF.

    I personally have rocketed out of misery by setting goals for my SELF improvement financially, emotionally, creatively and healthwise. Reading this entry makes me realize that I have done my work, I have established my deal breakers, I have practiced accountability, I have defined expectations and set boundaries… FOR MYSELF, not for anyone else… and I’m on one giant freakin’ life roll right now. My financial situation is stable, my career is behaving like a well trained racehorse with me as the jockey, my kid is unbelievably healthy, my world is focused and fun. I cannot believe how incredibly stable and grounded I feel. I have love and I give love; but I always start with my kid and myself first.

    I believe a hard, true focus on self is necessary and the only real, tangible way to make progress. Adding relationships under that list later- GREAT!- but doing it as the initial step is repeating old patterns.

    • Peggy- So glad to hear from you! And of course, as always, very well put.

      I too believe we have to fix us first, but…so many of us do that just to get out of the situation we’re in. By the time we get out we’ve done all the retrospect, the fact finding about ourselves, etc. Many have gotten their (excuse the expression) shit together and have lived without love and affection already for so long, that they are wanting a new relationship. In these cases, it’s very easy to run into the first arms that are open with more love and affection than we’re used to. Coming out of a passive aggressive relationship, people can be very vulnerable. As I heard once a long time ago a “better relationship is not necessarily a good one”. I just wanted to arm those that are looking toward finding that next special someone because they have the love to give and have been without for so long. None of us want to fall for another bad relationship. If you don’t have any idea of what you want or don’t want, how will you know when you run into it?

      I am so happy for you Peggy. You obviously are feeling a freedom that is exhilarating. I think that is great and you are absolutely right, it should be all about you. And just for the record, I don’t recommend jumping right into another relationship. They say you need a time to grieve for your relationship just like you would if someone had died, but for some it’s going to happen. Better armed and dangerous than not armed and falling into another trap.

      Please, feel free to comment anytime. I enjoy you so much and you bring such encouragement to us all! Love ya

  2. To Peggy
    WELL SAID PEGGY! The focus has to be on yourself. I know it does for me. I have enough on my plate to have to delve into another relationship. I have what is called “survival” to deal with. I will not forsake myself for someone else EVER again. That is not , and was not healthy….and I did it too much in the past. OUCH! And the “ouch” comes from what I did to myself. ( I let it happen)

    By living with and doing all the research on PA and then again through looking at where my problems came from (another eye opener) I have learned my lesson once and for all. I am not going to engage the fantasy of having a ‘forever after’ type of love. It simply just doesn’t exist or happen miraculously. You have to work at it…and it has to come from both people in the relationship, not just one, to reach it. And even then there are no guarantees. Each new day something can rip that fantasy away from you. If you believe otherwise then you are living in dellusion. Life has to be dealt with accordingly through your OWN survival. Grasp as much happiness for yourself as you can at every moment of every day. Don’t give yourself up to anyone, who would not give themselves up to you.

    Someday… maybe when I’m 85 (LOL)… I might see some old fart, that really melts my butter… then, I just MIGHT get involved again. I am not against relationships or marriage..just not now or for a very LONG time. I have a lot to regain for myself. I have a lot of “surviving” to do.

    By the time that I am ready… I will have that LIST ladybeams is talking about and will be better prepared for a relationship…..or not
    In my case, there is simply NEVER going to be a “marriage” again…I’m too old now and too damn tired of that institution. LOL

    We all have been ‘raped’ emotionally by our PA’s and it has been brutal; a lot of pain during it, a lot of growth in understanding it, and a lot of healing in getting beyond it and begin looking at the future. We all deserve better and to regain the strength in our own lives and I intend to do just that for myself. I want to stay grounded in reality and positivity.

    “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced” (James Baldwin)

    I’ve faced it, I now change it.
    Everyone have a marvelous day..

    • jmarie, Peggy- I do realize a lot of the victims of a passive aggressive relationship feel this way, and I agree. We need to lick our own wounds first and come out stronger and better than we were before. I’m just saying that at the same time it’s so easy for us to be vulnerable and unfortunately bitter, that this was just a guideline. You know that old saying “Expect it when you least expect it”? None of us plan to get out of one awful relationship and run right into another relationship hoping that will fulfill all of our dreams. I think it’s just best to be forearmed, so to speak, because things do happen that we don’t exactly plan. I totally agree, the main thing is to take care of self first and foremost, then you are equipped to take care of children, or move on, or what ever life has planned for you. For each of us, that will be something unique and I’m sure, worth celebrating.

      Thanks so much for the comments. I love hearing your points of view and I’m sure it helps everyone out here to give us all some different perspectives and different things to think about.

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