Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior-Employee

It hasn’t taken long for my BF to display examples of passive aggressive behavior as an employee. To the average onlooker you would think maybe he was just very conscientious, but to someone familiar with passive aggressive personality disorder, it’s easy to see it for what it is.

The passive aggressive BF has been working for this company since about May. This company is similar to most services in the way that when they are coming to your home, they give you a 4 hour window, 8 to Noon or 1 to 5. I couldn’t help but notice that instead of just showing up at the first place by 8:00 as directed, he would call the client and set up an actual time. One of the times he did this he didn’t start his work day until 10:00 am and then was jammed up the rest of the day into overtime. I don’t know if he finally was told to just show up when the company tells him to or what, but I notice he doesn’t call anymore.

Another time he was scheduled to show up to take care of some “warranty” work on a Monday morning. He generally doesn’t get paid for warranty work as it means something is wrong that isn’t the client’s fault. Instead of doing the work Monday morning as scheduled, he called and made an appointment with the guy for that weekend. The boss said their ultimate goal is to make the client happy and he supposed the BF did that, but from now on do it the way he’s instructed by the company, as it has to be documented, etc.

A couple of weeks ago they had to do some work in a retail store. They couldn’t go to work until 9 PM as the store didn’t want them in there while customers were still shopping. Evidently the 9 o’clock start time didn’t work out too well because on the second nite he got a call not to go in until 10:00 PM. Kick in the passive aggressiveness. The next thing I know he’s getting ready to walk out the door and it is very early still. I mention it to him, asking why he is leaving so far ahead of time. He figured he could get in there and “stage” everything, have it all set to go when the crew got there. I said about the store not wanting them in there that early. “Oh they don’t mind if I go in and get stuff ready” he says. “Yeah, that’s why you got that call telling you not to come in for another hour. Didn’t it occur to you that they don’t want you in there before 10:00?”

He stuck around until a more appropriate time to leave. These are examples of a passive aggressive employee who thinks he knows more than the people who employ and instruct him. This is only the stuff I know about. I wouldn’t have known as much about the last place he got fired from except for running into the guy that originally hired him and who was a friend of mine. We ran into each other out on the town one night, and all of a sudden a bunch of stuff came to light that the passive aggressive BF had never told me about. I can’t help but wonder if the same is happening here.

As I said, to everyone else you would think he was just a ‘super’ employee. To someone who is aware, what you have here are examples of an employee’s passive aggressive behavior.


12 Responses

  1. And God forbid, you make your questions or comments sound like a critisism…all hell breaks loose. Critisism is one of the “triggers” that I’ve discovered will bring on distancing and, in my case, his narcissistic rages.

    • Marilyn,
      Your lucky if you can ask questions at all without being told that your criticizing. I can’t bring up anything without that label. These days It’s just too much, its too hard and I’m not even sure that it’s worth the effort anymore to try to live a normal life. Much of the time I want to bail on him so badly and the rest of the time I feel like I’m settling for a life I don’t really want, with a man who seemingly couldn’t care less, yet I know, loves me.
      I don’t want to depend on him any longer, I don’t want to fight any more and most of all I want my husband to act like an adult instead of a teenage pre-pubescent brat. Criticism is just one of his battle cries, there are many.and each serve some twisted purpose. Can anyone tell me why we stay? Really, seriously…why?

      • Because PA’s are like slot machines, pyramid scams and junk bonds; we stay too long because there was SO MUCH INVESTMENT initially. We have so much time, energy, attempts put toward them. We have rolls and rolls and rolls of quarters stuck into the PA machine. We tried x, y and z to get ‘pay out’… and somewhere in our minds we just keep thinking ‘Now? Now? Now will I see pay off THIS time?’. Someone should do a legit study on the similiarities between people who stay with PA’s and gambling addiction – I think their would be surprising results.

        It sucks big time to cut your losses. It was one of the hardest parts of leaving my PA; I left an entire lifestyle and all the familiarity of it (that’s another huge chunk; familiarity- we stay in what we know b/c we know it). Here’s the huge kicker though- and I’m living, breathing, thriving proof; THE ‘OTHER SIDE’ IS SO MUCH EASIER, FREER AND FULFILLING!!!! I am happier now than I have been in a two decades. It’s an indescribable shift on some levels – I guess I’d call it a covert happiness (in opposite contrast to covert PA) – my ‘happy’ now is very internal, very personal, and very much due to choosing to exit – and more importantly – focus on recovering from spending 14 years with a slot machine that never paid out.

        We stay because we have a sense of loyalty (skewed sense), commitment and a warped definition of ‘goodness’. We stay because we think we are too needed. For me, getting out was the best for both of us. Of course he found a new rescuer – that’s his deal (hers really – she’ll be the one ultimately left with a mess) but since I’ve chosen to leave, disengage and be strong he has been forced to be more accountable as a co-parent (still not at 50/50, but closer than he was when we were together!).

        Everyone has to choose their own journey – for me it was leaving- but I fully, competely and totally know the mindset that makes someone stay. Leaving was the scariest two years of my life.

        • Peggy- OMGosh! Thank you. It is so encouraging every time some like you that has gone ahead and made the huge step to get out of the box, comes back to tell everyone the grass truly is greener on the other side. It is scary to think of giving up what we are used to, or what 2 incomes can do that one can’t, or having someone else in the house (which is essentially all they end up being), but every time I see someone who has made it out and expresses the new joy for life they have…it’s like a breath of fresh air. Maybe, just maybe, between you and a couple others on here that are so much happier now that they aren’t playing the “PA game” anymore, these comments will hit just the right people that need to hear it at just the right time to give them the courage to step out of the misery.

          As always thanks so much for your comments. Always a pleasure to read.

  2. I need to confess an addiction- an addiction to this blog and the comments! I cannot tell you how often I burst out laughing (yes I said laughing) out of familiarity with what you all say! As of late I have thoroughly enjoyed the ‘from the outside he’s charming, easy going and always seemingly working for the betterment of the world’ talk – It is SUCH a true statement. The world see the all powerful Oz; we see the dude behind the curtain.

    The terms that have been coined or borrowed (i.e. “I’ll get you back” vs “I’ve got your back”, ‘narcissistic rages’, ‘selfish sabotage’ and on and on and on) here zero in on the exact issues and events surrounding relationships with PA’s.

    I read this blog and I imagine that scene in Charlie Brown Christmas where Lucy is trying to get Schroeder to play ‘Jingle Bells’ and he plays all these renditions of it and she keeps saying ‘No… JINGLE BELLS… you know mistletoe and ho ho ho and all’ and he finally plays the simplest, plunked out rendition of it and she yells “THAT’S IT!”

    I feel like PA behavior – and it’s affects – are just like that; very difficult to identify among the fancy smoke and mirrors and covert delivery, but when you educate yourself to see it at it’s most basic, simple, plunked out level – you yell ‘THAT’S IT! THAT’S A PA BEHAVIOR!’.

  3. I just couldn’t stay away after that statement made by Peggy…”The world sees the all powerful OZ, we see the dude behind the curtain”.
    I couldn’t stop laughing…….good one Peggy!
    But the incidious thing about seeing the “Dude” is this: The ones who think PA will get better -even with counseling (as mine is)- is being dragged back into just where the PA wants you…Unsure, questioning yourself, hoping, praying, living in the unknown and keeping your brain wrapped around their “sweet little personna to others” that regardless of what you do or say: set limitations, boundaries, confront, or ignore….they are so deeply intune to the actions you are taking that they finnagle a new way to keep you tied to them.
    Mine just told me he wanted to be friends and to start over. HA! That’s a good one! after 20 years..? With as much hindsight as I have in who and what he can do once I get comfortable…….I think not. It is what it is! It will be an ongoing battle. Since many of my friends and family know I write on this blog but don’t have the fortitude to talk to me directly-because they are thinking that everything will be ok,(kind of like he has a cold and he’ll get better LOL) This may be the only way they will hear my words. Since the time that my PA sought counseling and I finished mine..the friends have basically been aloof and don’t return calls, don’t do what is promised me and it makes me feel very ignored, invalidated and disrespected. Friends don’t do that to friends. Not in my book. Well lets just say this- My PA has them hornswaggled…he’s such a nice person….we musn’t forget that…LOL. And he is—with them! What he is doing is just redesigning his covert actions again to suit himself. So be it.
    Yes, Peggy, after your comment on the “man behind the curtain” I just couldn’t stay away. I’m tired and I’m exhausted. The only person that’s gonna pick me up and tell that man behind the curtain he’s a fraud, Is ME.
    The Lion in the Wizard of OZ got a badge of courage..
    We all have the love….it was just misguided.
    We all have intellegence…it was just stifled by the PA.
    Now we all need a badge of courage for whatever we decide to do.

    • I am 68 years old. I thought I could handle anything a man could possibly dish out. Actually, I thought I was smart enough to high-tail it before any man could do his miserable damage on me. Boy, was I wrong. Not only didn’t I see it coming, I now know that a relationship with a PA/Narcissist is the most destructive relationship I could have possibly encountered. It’s going to take me a long time to heal. At first I thought that that was because I’m older now. I’m not that resiliant flip chick I used to be…That’s not it. It’s the way they cut into your self confidence and get you questioning your own judgement ability. I’m walking wounded. I admit it. Do I still love him? No. I love the man he pretended to be….the one he knew he’d have to be to have his needs met….He is a great actor but by his own admission he couldn’t sustain the image indefinitely. When he discovered that he himself was starting to care, to need, to depend on…whoa…that meant vulnerable. Vulnerable means fear. Easier to start over with the act on someone else than conquer that fear. Never mind that he could have had everything he’s ever wanted. Fear dictates. Run. Sabotage your own dreams..that’s a PA/narcissist. I could have lived another 68 years without the experience. Is there really a God? Why did He think I needed to learn this lesson?

      • Marilyn,
        Ahhh the questioning of God? The way the PA makes us feel is to not only question ourselves but question if there is anyone out there to really LISTEN. I know there is a God….I have that faith that God wants what is best for me, but he is allowing me to make that decision…and he did want me to learn a lesson…and I have. What I learned is: there IS a fine line between courage and stupidity. What I have to do is get over the fact that I “LET” him bring me down to this degree, all under the belief that love would conquer all…it does in some situations, but I question if it does in this type of relationship. I think that is the hardest to accept.

        Where the heck was my head? Why didn’t I see it coming? I know…the answer to that is I cared tooooo much and didn’t protect myself. I wanted a dream. You know the ones that are in fairy tales? I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and say, “Stupid is as stupid does”. Then I get on with my day, making sure I focus on what I need and desire.

        I am learning the more fun relaxing things I do without him the better I feel. Problem is I still have to come home. I always thought a home was supposed to be a sanctuary, not a torture chamber.

        Another thing I think is: God wanted me to forgive him for how he is….I think I’ve done that since I understand so much more about it now. I truly have great sorrow for him and the way he lives his life. But his barbs keep poking ME… I have forgiven, but not forgotten. To remember is to learn from it. Yes, the past is the past, but no one can truly understand what we feel unless they have walked a mile in our shoes.

        I TOO loved the man he pretended to be. I am almost 60. Today I went on a wonderful hike alone, in the trees, in nature and was grateful for that peaceful feeling again. Me and God did some talkin’ too. It was uplifting to feel the connectedness to my passion of hiking and being in nature again. I came home much better prepared to deal with the lies and the deceit we all live with daily. (yes, I caught him in yet another lie)

        I have decided to continue to seek out those things that make me feel good. I have decided to take care of myself and let him take care of himself. I have let my life slip away from me and I plan on getting more good out of it from here on out, no matter what I have to do.

        Do you think we can become a couple of “resiliant flip chicks” again? I do. But this time we can do it with far more wisdom. I think we can handle ourselves just fine. Do you ever feel there was any “growth” in your relationship? I still feel like I did when I was the age I married….the body looks a whole lot older, but the feelings of youth, and sass are knocking at my door…I’d better go answer it. later…

        • jmarie, Marilyn- They say never talk religion or politics amongst friends or bar buddies, but here we are. LOL. I too think there is a reason why these people have come into our lives, sometimes it just takes awhile to ferret it out. Also I believe that many of us had the signs, (which God does provide), but we ignored them and chose to go ahead with the direction we had chosen. I think all of us have had gut feelings that we should either run, long before we did, or just not get as involved at all as we chose to, but somewhere along the line I think there was a time where we probably felt “something wasn’t quite right” and we pursued anyway. I cannot ask if there is a God when I chose to pursue an avenue that with all evidence was headed in the direction. All I can do is ask “what lesson was I supposed to learn so I don’t screw up this bad again?” LOL. People come into our lives for different reasons. Maybe to teach us something, maybe to introduce us to someone else, maybe to introduce us to a purpose for our lives we may not have found before (and I don’t mean nursing them. LOL). Who knows. I just think that sometimes the path goes askew, and maybe we don’t pick up on the true reason
          why we met. There was just this “chemistry”. LOL. Oh yeah, I remember those days. LOL.

          I find for me, the one place I can run to for comfort and peace is God, just like I used to run to my father here on earth, and I get the comfort from His words. Even better than my father here on earth, I know my heavenly father will forgive me anything and not hold the past against me when I go to talk to Him. I am not a big Bible thumper, but you guys brought it up. LOL. And please, if your reading this comment and don’t happen to believe, don’t let it cut you off from all the really good comments and helpful advice here.

    • jmarie- So glad to see you back, although I’m sorry to hear after all this counseling the best your hubby can come up with is “let’s be friends”. LOL. It sounds like maybe he took one of those lessons that teaches how love has to start with friendship? Or maybe somebody asked him if you and he were friends as well as lovers? Who knows, but I can see where that would kind of put a little kink in things getting better from here. I think I would be apt to tell him that that would be fine, we’ll just do what friends do. I would be telling him “You go live somewhere else, call me sometime let me know how things are going, invite me for a drink sometime, maybe a ball game, and I’ll see ya later, just like friends.” LOL.

      I’m sorry to hear about “your friends”, but here is where the rubber meets the road. You learn in a real hurry through separation or divorce who your real friends are. And, to be fair, some just don’t know what to do because they like you both and so they don’t answer calls from either of you. This is why it is so important to develop one’s own life (to an extent) without the PA. Your own set of friends, your own support systems. We do so much as couples but we forget there is a side that is just us. We can have “our friends” and then “my friends”. One thing also is to make sure that we’re not feeling so like “the bad guy” that we isolate ourselves, thinking everyone will think the worst of us because that is what we are used to living. Just because the hubby may have you talked into that, as a norm if you reach out to people, most are pretty good about reaching back. We do have a tendency to be over sensitive and feel almost like “tarnished goods” when we go through this.

      Please jmarie, I know you are doing a lot of your own “taking care of you” right now, but anytime you want to make a comment, feel free. Love to hear what you have to say. Good luck, My Friend.

  4. Hello ladybeams,
    Thanks for the pep talk. I needed that part about friends. I totally understand.
    My problem is this (amoungst many others LOL!!): Even though my PRACTICAL considerations of staying or leaving my emotionally unavailable PA would be difficult to say the least, I have to look at them very closely. What is it that scares me in that. Nothing. I’m not afraid, even in this economy, to find work to support myself. I’m willing to do anything. So since I’ve done it before it can’t be the practical. I’ve broken ties with other men in my life. Why is this one so hard?

    Could it be more from my BELIEF system? Those little things that we are all taught to believe in that sound oh so sweet, sure, and believeable. IE: “love is forever”… “you can always work it out”… “you always go through a rough patch everything will be ok”… “ending a marriage is a personal failure”… “you’ll die an old maid”.. “you will hurt others if you break up”… “better to stay in a bad relationship than to end it”…etc etc etc. and the etc’s are all based on each person’s teachings and cultural beliefs.

    For me, these beliefs aren’t useful in an abusive relationship such as mine. They are only good for KEEPING me in it. I have to find a way to tell that little girl inside to hush now, she doesn’t run the show, but I’m here to take care of her no matter what happens and she is secure in what I know is best –As an adult.

    What I think from a mature standpoint and not one that comes from my child within is that I believed that my inner little girl inside was running the show when it came to “love”…That little girl was continually telling me (a grown adult, no less) that I just had to believe in the fairy tales she so wanted to hold on to.

    There also is another aspect that I need to consider…Am I ADDICTED to him? Oh that one really is a long and drawn out work of deep consideration!! In a way there could be that, but what I believe for myself was that all three considerations were present to varying degrees: my PRACTICAL- not so much/ my BELIEFS- a whole lot more/ and an ADDICTION- a little bit perhaps (I’m still working on that one).

    WOW—This is getting deeper than I want to go…but they say sometimes, “ya have to hit bottom before you can start the climb back up” .
    Smiles to all,

    • jmarie- Glad the pep talk helped. =) You really are doing some heavy duty questioning here. I think the blog I’m about to write today may help you with some of this. Hope you find it as interesting as I do.

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