Ranting About My Passive Aggressive..

I will try to do this very “lady-like” but no guarentees, so if you’re easily offended you may not want to read my ranting about my passive aggressive boyfriend.

If it’s not already apparent, I am really pissed, and my eyes have been opened a little further into the deterioration of our relationship.

For those of you who have been with me for awhile (thank you) you’ve read my posts about my passive aggressive BF’s new job, how we’re losing money for him to work, etc. Well, he’s managed now to be working part-time, and bringing home about half of what he did on unemployment, which is actually not even 1/4 of what he was bringing home when we first got together. This figure does not subtract the money he is having to spend for gas to go all over northern California to work, which is probably $40 to $60 a week. Through it all I have managed to pull money out of thin air to keep a roof over our head, etc. , but this time it’s been a little tough. He doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to get tougher!

We have had his middle son living with us off and on for several months. He’s trying to get his life back on track after a split from his girlfriend and getting into some legal trouble, so we haven’t asked him for anything regarding rent, groceries, etc. He has offered several times, so the other night I told the BF he was going to have to borrow $20 to get gas for work. He ended up borrowing $40 because he also needed to buy some tool. He left his original at another job and since it’s a ways away, hadn’t gone back to retrieve it. It turned out he didn’t buy the tool, so he’s been walking around with the extra $20 in his pocket.

On top of that, I had given the passive aggressive BF every dime I had before he borrowed the money from his son. I found a little more money, and here comes my big confession, yes folks, we are smokers, and with that money I bought cigs for both of us. I know I should quit. I know exactly how much money it’s costing us. I know it’s a filthy habit, but until I’m ready to quit because I want to quit, I am ‘super-bitch’ when I’m out of cigarettes. He doesn’t know I know he has money.

This is an example of totally selfish passive aggressive behavior. I even gave him an “out” last night before he went to work saying about how bad it was going to be around here in the morning with both of us out of cigarettes. His reply was “I’ll be fine”.  Sure, he will be. He came home this morning with a pack of cigarettes for him. He would have had his beer too if he had gotten off work after the liquor store was open. Last night when I was so really angry, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt, that when he got himself cigarettes, he would bring me home a pack. WRONG!

So now I know, when push really comes to shove, he just throws me under the bus! What this has done for me is that I have cut back, a lot, over the last few days. What it also did for me was show me, all this time that I have been taking care of the passive aggressive boyfriend, and what ever I can pull together he gets his share, that it doesn’t work the same way for him. So now, it’s every man, woman and child for themselves.

Unlike him, I will let him know what I am displeased about, but knowing isn’t going to save him!


3 Responses

  1. Ladybeams,
    Hang in there girl!
    Have you read: “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem” by Nathanial Branden? What a book to read!
    Actually anything by Branden is good. Read it, think about it, take notes on it, then do it again. It isn’t the easiest to ingest, but once you get it….YOU GET IT!

    • jmarie- Thanks I’ll have to look for it. I read a lot about self esteem on the internet, but haven’t picked up a book in awhile. I’ll have to give it a try. Hopefully there’s a bunch of us that can take that advice.

  2. Hi. First time posting. Thank the heavens I found this site, I have been reading the posts and comments for the last 2 days as I have recently realised that my partner is PA.
    I’ve “known” for a while that something wasn’t right with him, and I’d looked into narcissism, bipolar and BPD but, although he has some tendencies of each (as I suppose we all do), he’s not extreme in any way. He doesn’t actually do anything. He is just…passive. Nothing wrong with being passive but to clarify, he is only passive when he shoud be pissed off, annoyed, sad etc. It is the only way he expresses when he should be expressing healthy emotions. Oh, and he’s quite fond of the silent treatment. To rephrase – there is nothing peaceful in his passivity.

    When he’s in a positive state, he’s brilliant – loving, caring, sweet, intelligent etc, but he does always have low self esteem.

    We’ve been together for just short of 2 years and have lived together for 9 months. I knew he was moody and sulky but was kind of able to let it go until this time. 3 Fridays ago we had a lovely evening with his best friend, chatting and drinking wine. The minute his friend left the wall went up and he went silent. I asked him what was wrong and he refused to answer, and then left the room. the next morning I tried to explain that i felt hurt that he had changed the minute his friend left. He walked out the room again. I tried to speak to him but he just kept walking out of whatever room we were in, so I left it as I figured he was in a huff. Apparently he is still in a huff as he has not spoken to me since – apart from the 5 minutes each day I took to attempt to resolve things. Each time he walked out the room.
    After about a week I noticed he was not contributing to food and other household stuff. I had done a massive shop at the beginning of the month which I paid for and we both used, and I was still topping up daily. I stopped doing that last week to see what he would do. He did nothing. Continued to use up what was there and the few essentials I still bought for myself.
    But…he has treated himself to expensive toiletries and fully kitted out new cycle gear!
    I blew on Thursday night and he finally told me that he does love me but does not want any conflict or arguments and that he is better off on his own??? We had not had an argument and the only conflict has been emanating off the silent wall.
    Somehow, over the course of that evening the penny must have dropped, because the next morning I googled PA and there it was, in black and white.

    I wrote him a letter – gentle and kind, saying I knew that we loved eachother but agreed with his choice to be alone. I said I would like us to be polite and civil friends for the duration of the time we still lived together (I just lost my job a few weeks ago, 4 weeks after my mother died, and we live in his house).
    I had also asked him to start contributing to the household. I then went and spent the weekend with friends and family, only coming back this morning. He did not respond to my letter but when he went out about an hour ago, he came in to tell me where he was going and that he had left money in case I needed to get anything.
    i’m glad I called him out on the food stuff, and i think the letter got through to him. He’s also one of the “nice guys” and would not like to be seen as mean.
    After everything I have read here I know I have to walk away, but due to my current circumstances I need to find a way to live with it until I am in a position to move.

    All of you who have posted on this site have saved my sanity and given me a big reality check. Thank you!

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