To All The Victims of Passive Aggression…

and the ones who have made it to the other side, thank you! Anyone who has been following or reading my blog has a general idea of what I’ve been going through, between my mother being so ill and having a totally passive aggressive boyfriend. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, (and that’s not enough to express it), how grateful I am for all your prayers, support and concern. I am afraid I was feeling a little sorry for myself with my last post. Yeah, for all my talk about using humor to live with a passive aggressive, even I can’t find my funny bone sometimes. LOL. I’ll be okay. I’m like one of those clowns that’s full of air. You smack it and it goes down but bounces back up? Remember those? Sometimes that’s how I feel.

My middle daughter was up this week. That helped a lot, although I probably should have prepared her a little better for seeing her grandmother.  She’s a pretty cool person. I was able to vent some, she was very quiet and let me rant, shook her head with understanding at the right times. lol. It’s so hard now to believe we were such bitter enemies when she was in high school.

Had a discussion regarding the finances tonite with the BF. Since he’s just decided to fluff me off and let me worry and handle everything, I’ve decided to give it all to him. I know I warn you all against doing that as you may end up with no electric, etc. but I’m going to let him handle it since he thinks just because he’s up every morning that’s enough. I will do more on my part as far as a regular paycheck (which I thought I had when I sold my mobile home on an installment contract), but I want him to do his part on the worrying. LOL.  We’ll see how this works out.

I’m going to head out for something to eat now, but I just want to thank you all again. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me, and your comments and encouragement remind me of a “second inning rally”. If you ever have loved baseball at all or had a kid who played little league, many times it’s the second inning rally that will win the game. I love you all so much.

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4 Responses

  1. Ladybeams,
    I remember those clowns full of air and wish I had one to bat around about now LOL. I think ladybeams, I am experiencing a second inning rally. I want my team to win!

    I’ve been looking at so many avenues to my own growth, learning and peace and I find when I look at the typical psychological goals of counseling ” don’t worry, be happy” and “find yourself, do for yourself, diconnect from him” it all sounds so terribly sane, but not so easy to do. I am not one to turn away a challenge, but this one is out of my hands. I have taken a darn hard look at myself and done some serious questioning of myself and instead of blaming him for being something he couldn’t help being (sometimes), I have to look at what “I” did to get to where I am. I had to see,accept and change my mistakes first. It is an ongoing process. But I’m in the 2nd inning rally.
    I was in a co-dependant relationship. That is NOT where I want to be.

    The little girl inside me is crying out for help and I now need to be there for her more than ever.

    In my growth and learning and understanding of my life, I have found that I am not what others thought I was. I was who the relationship turned me into. And I did a lot of it to myself as well. And my Dear God I don’t want to be there any longer. Nor will I become how others want me to be based on their beliefs, if I don’t feel it to be in my best interest.
    I am not an extension of him as so many wish or think me to be. I am my own being and I am good enough just the way I am.

    I found in my relationships with others with the PA that if others felt “put off” by something in any way (and they didn’t really know what exactly that was) They attributed those feelings they had to being part of the “couple” we made. I was not seen as an individual but an extention of him. Ouch! Now my goal is to live my authentic life, not one that is fashioned by another.

    Now, I just need to encourage that little girl inside me to grow back the backbone she once had as a young woman and to not tolerate any further abuse. I will be her teacher. Whether someone can do that while living with a PA –I wouldn’t place any bets on it…I’ll let you know how it turns out LOL..

    No one is coming to bail me out, no one will be there to boost me up, no one will be my knight in shining armour unless I do something for myself and buy my own horse and wear my own armour.

    I am so proud of myself today!!!!!…I made my first real move to support my inner child and show her I will take care of her…..Today at my age (late 50’s) I am going back to college again after 25 years and focus on my abilities and what I do best. Some will be refresher courses and some applicable to aquiring a job (if someone will hire an old lady like me LOL LOL LOL) I have all the confidence I can find a job, because I will be doing it for the little girl in me until I can show her how to take life on independently of the abuse and the aftermath of it all. Today I slapped myself upside the head–so to speak–and it felt GOOD.

    Thinking in terms of staying, accepting, forgiving, and working toward helping him change is not fully my job. I can forgive…it isn’t right what he did but I can forgive. Accepting what I am given in life has already been done..so I’m good to go there. So all I have left is “staying and working for him” …Not sure this little girl wants that..not now. Damage I did to myself by staying and playing the oh’ poor me part (silently wishing to be rescued) doesn’t fly any longer.

    When I think of staying, I get a knot in my stomache that brings me down and makes me sick. I already know the FACTS of how he pulled me back in- time and time again. What makes this time any different just because he can say now that he is getting help and trying….those are his words, but not his actions.
    When I think of the challenge of what is out there for me-good or bad- it lifts me up to heights unimaginable.
    Life is just what you make of it..
    Wishing you all a second inning rally and a true WIN
    jmarie

    • jmarie- You are so right on! We can’t change them but we can change us, how we look at things, what our boundaries are, etc. It isn’t easy to disconnect, but it gets to a point, at least it did for me, that it was less painful to disconnect than it was to keep hitting my heart against a wall. They say as humans we move away from pain, and towards pleasure. Sometimes it’s just picking the lesser of two pains.

      That’s terrific that you speak of your little girl inside. That’s where a lot of healing has to begin to not become a future victim. I don’t know if you’ve visited the site “Innerbonding.com” but they work on this stuff a lot. They have a free course you can sign up for that will also get you their newsletters. They have some interesting stuff, but some of it’s for members only which costs about $47. 00 per month. I get enough just out of the free stuff myself.

      Well, My Dear, I look forward to sharing your journey with you. Hope you’ll keep us updated. I know every day has it’s ups and downs, but more and more it sounds like you’re “heads up!”.

      PS-regarding what others think, my daughter has a saying below her profile pic on Facebook that reads “What you think of me is none of my business”. So true isn’t it?

  2. I am so sorry to hear that your mother is ill. I hope that God is giving you broader shoulders to carry all that has been placed upon you. Please know that your wisdom and advice has made a difference in so many lives and that my thoughts and prayers are with you now.

    • PA’s Mom- What a nice surprise to hear from you. Thank you so much for your kind words, as usual. Actually things are looking up a little as of yesterday regarding my mother and hopefully will continue. She’s been in ICU for a month pretty much completely sedated. While that’s been good for letting her wound heal, it hasn’t done much for getting her breathing on her own again, etc. Looks like they’re starting to bring her around a bit and she’s breathing basically on her own for now, so we’ll see how it goes. Thanks so much for the prayers. It’s all really up to Him.

      So now, how are things with you and the kids? Haven’t had an update in awhile. How are you especially? Are you getting along ok? Look forward to hearing the latest if you would like to share. I know sometimes it feels like a step forward only to go two back, but in the long run…Wishing for you every happiness.

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