Okay, So Answer Me This Mr. Passive Aggressive

Okay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive, how come every night that I come out to have dinner with you and watch TV with you, you have to go to bed by about 9:15 pm, but if I’m not out there, you last until after 10:00 pm? Could it be you want me to feel sorry for you now that you’re working? Or is it some kind of revenge? Or is it you don’t like my company, even though you turn up the sound on the programs you know I like just to draw me out of the office? When I bring it up, you deny there being any thought or feeling about it what so ever. How should I take this? Is it truly a coincidence? Or is it true passive aggressive behaviorOkay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive…

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4 Responses

  1. Don’t expect your PA makes any sense, because they don’t! Wanting you there and turning up the TV set to get you to come is their way of controling you. What I mean by this is that they are so needy that if they were a baby they would cry to get your attention, right? And in all actuality -they are. They need you – when they need you – and you are to jump at their every whim. When you are there watching with them, they then leave to show you how independent they are and to make you a bit crazy..but all in all they are “controling” the situation, by what you do. STOP doing what they want. The only true way to get to the Truth of the matter is to do your own thing. Don’t jump at every confusing situation they put you in. DISCONNECT! Do your own thing. Be honest and confront them (matter of factly) about how you feel when they do something that confuses, irritates or annoys you. Whatever you do don’t cry, get angy, or plead. Stand your ground and state what you see them doing and how it makes you feel.
    If they care (and usually they don’t) they may…..I reiterate…THEY MAY change the way they try to control the issue. They are masters at the games they play!!! You need to show them you are in control..not of them….but of yourself! They can turn a seemingly peaceful moment into a state of confusion at the drop of a hat.. to suit the game they have a decided to play with you. It is the way they control every situation to fit THEIR needs. NOT YOURS. Don’t let it Affect you. I know that sounds impossible, but you can do it! Your independence and your practice of it scares them if they are the needy type. Your confusion or showing your confusion to them,.. about what they do…feeds them. Keep true to yourself. They get great satisfaction from it and you are left to wonder and “not understand”. Don’t give them the satisfaction of letting them see your confusion- just let them know you can’t and won’t play their game. Put up some limitations and boundaries. Only they can control their actions, but you can control how it affects you. jmarie

    • jmarie- Thanks for the pep talk. LOL. Of course everything you say above is correct and I know better. It just seems every once in awhile we get sucked back in for a moment in time, even me. I’ll have to “star” your comment and refer back to it often. LOL.

  2. I read these articles and get dizzy just reading. I’m 22 years married to a PA and am in process of getting my ducks in a row for divorce. The behavior that I would need to apply to stay sane in a marriage like this is also going to kill me. I can’t become so independent from someone and still try to maintain an emotional connection to that same person and look forward to the future. Living with my PA is a perfect example of the movie “Groundhog Day”. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t put such energy into a relationship that I had so much hope for. I give those people who stay in relationships with PAs kudos. I think I will deal with loneliness instead of the craziness of being married to a PA. Ladybeams – I thank you for your writings – it keeps me on track of “why” I’m moving forward with a divorce. 🙂

    • PEK- Hi and Welcome!

      Good for you. You sound like a smart person. It is very wise to have your “ducks in a row” before making any drastic moves. I do not believe in staying in a relationship that is making you nuts, but some who want out, for one reason or another, just don’t feel they can make that move at the time being. Most are like you and if they have the opportunity after a length of time of trying to save the marriage, realize the only thing they can do to keep their sanity is to move on. Personally I think dealing with the loneliness after a split is quite often easier to deal with than the loneliness inside the marriage. At least when you’re on your own, you have the freedom to make friends, be with friends, and realize what a good person you are. Staying married has a lot of restrictions, even when you are pursuing getting back control of your life.

      I’m glad you find the site helpful, and feel free to let us know how it’s going. What I get more from the people who have gotten out than the loneliness is the sense of freedom and relief. Congrats on knowing where you want to go from here and doing it.

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