Yep, it’s the passive aggressive boyfriend‘s birthday, or it was a couple days ago. We did the whole “cake” thing and all. He was very surprised and in the usual passive aggressive style, very overwhelmed that we would do anything special for little old “unworthy” him.
When it comes to gifts or any kind of fuss made over him, he is extremely modest. I don’t know if growing up as farmers, they never had much so didn’t do much celebrating or what. I noticed when we first started going together that he was genuinely shocked at Christmas that we got him Christmas gifts, etc. We were living together by then so I couldn’t see where there would be any question as to him totally sharing in the Christmas festivities. Yet here we are almost 11 yrs. later, and he hasn’t changed much in that regard at all.
Most passive aggressive people, despite how they may act, have an underlying feeling of not being worthy. I’m sure this comes from the lack of nurturing or love, or from the abuse they have suffered as a child. My passive aggressive boyfriend is now “old” LOL, and it is very hard to undo all the damage done in the past. We have been together almost 11 yrs., as I stated above. In that time I have never called him names, never been abusive, (I know that’s hard to believe if you’ve been a reader of my blog) and always tried to build him up. Yet the abuse he suffered at the hand of his father, even though it was so many, many years ago takes precedence in his personality vs. the recent 11 yrs.
I’m sure one of the reasons for this is the passive aggressive rarely admits there is even a problem, so changing is not even a question. Second, they rarely can pinpoint the abuse or the lack of love and affection that they missed as a child and connect it to the problems they are having today. In all the years we’ve been together, my BF has only once admitted that his father was abusive and then it was only to say if his father used the same disciplinary tactics today, they would lock him up. Most passive aggressive people don’t realize that the way they were treated as a child, the very thing that made them passive aggressive, is not normal behavior. It is a “dysfunctional” family in one of the truest senses of the word, but it is “normal” for them. It is so ingrained in them that even after years of a different environment, a different circumstance, the passive aggressive ends up changing the current environment to fit what they are used to instead of changing themselves to fit the new environment, which is why so many partners and spouses end up feeling so frustrated and unloved.
The first step is and probably always will be to admit there is a problem before one can fix it. For the passive aggressive spouse/partner, that’s a really big first step.
Filed under: abuse, causes, hidden feelings, passive aggressive, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse | Tagged: abuse, causes of passive aggressive, hidden feelings, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse |