Passive Aggressives Can Be So Child-Like…

mother and sonPassive aggressives can be so child-like, sometimes I feel like I should be a writing a “mommy blog”. LOL. It never ceases to amaze me that a man who stands almost 6 ft. and is 60 -something can be so much like having a son still at home. I find myself constantly asking these days “What’s the plan?” because if I don’t, in the usual passive aggressive way, he doesn’t have one, for anything.

I am trying to stay calmer and kinder these days. I also find myself asking “Why?” a lot and explaining that I am just trying to understand his thinking.  The standard reply is “I guess I didn’t think it through”, or the really passive aggressive reply “I’m such an idiot”, as the head sinks low toward his chest in an effort to invoke some sympathy from me.

We finally got through figuring out where he stands with his unemployment. It took one week of mentioning it, and a second week of letting him know that I was coming up on the “explosive point”. Just like I used to warn my son when I had asked him to do something over and over to no avail. I used to be accused of being psychotic, LOL, so I started warning people before it got to that point that I felt I had given enough notice of what needed to be done. Before when I would come unglued, no one ever seemed to remember the 15 times I asked nicely before I got to that point. The warning system has worked quite well.

I finally, because he had just let this go on, asked him what was going on with him that he felt it was ok to act so irresponsibly toward taking care of finding out about this stuff. I explained that I understand about depression and how long he’s been out of work, etc. but since I hadn’t had any warning that the income was going to stop coming, the least he could do was take care of it.

My passive aggressive BF is the type that goes totally silent when you back him into a corner with no escape. He rarely raises his voice. It’s usually the clamming up and the conversation comes to a complete halt. This happens whether we’re discussing future plans for work, or future plans for us. I’ve been with the man almost 11 yrs. and to this day I don’t think he has a plan for his life, our life or much of anything else. I think in his passive aggressive child-like way, he figures I’ll just take care of everything.

How about you? I had 3 kids and ended up raising 4, one of which will never leave home. LOL. Do you ever feel like your passive aggressive is more of a child than a life partner?

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6 Responses

  1. What I see and hear about a plan or lack of one is a man, diagnosed and treated for chronic depression, who can’t believe that he will live long enough to need a plan or won’t ever have the things he wants from life. Of course, I also see a man who sabotages his own hapiness anytime he gets close to having anything he wants. I had given up saying “I want “something…anything…cause what I would hear back is a line from an old Rolling Stones song…”ya can’t always have what you want”….Then I remembered that the next line is “but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need”. After I threw that back at him a couple of times, he gave up telling me I couldn’t have what I wanted. He watches me go after what I want. Like a child he watches and I know he sees…sometimes you can have what you want if you’re willing to make the effort.

    • Marilyn- Thanks for the input.

      I don’t know what to think. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who didn’t have some kind of an idea what to expect in the future, or some kind of plan for it. Of course, God forbid a PA do anything to change and actually put effort into anything. LOL.

      I used to think when we would have these little “heart to hearts” and I would ask him some of these rather deep questions, it would at least start him thinking. I have come to realize once we are done with the conversation, he’s pretty much done thinking about it. LOL.

      Good luck. Hopefully it’s different with your PA.

  2. Aha… what a great idea to implement the “explosive point warming”. Now, why didn’t I think of that?! I can take and take and take, but eventually I’ll blow up because of the frustration of living with a PA who won’t make decisions. After asking nicely several times and then offering suggestions (which I’m sure go in one ear and out the other) I find myself totally frustrated and then just blow up. Yes, then I’m the one who is out of control. I’m the freak. From now on, I’m giving the warning 🙂

    • Hi Kathy- Good to hear from you again. Hope things are going well.

      You and I sound totally alike. Last week as the week was progressing but the BF wasn’t, I could feel myself getting to that point, and when I blow I’m afraid it’s not very pretty. LOL. I usually just have to say in a very calm, but even voice, “You realize I have just about had it here, right? We’ve talked about it for the last 2 weeks and nothing is happening. You realize I’m about to lose it, aye?” That usually gets his attention.

      With my son I used to point out to him that I had asked him to do something, say 3 times, and then I would tell him I was reaching that point and I just wanted him to be aware that it didn’t come from being a psycho, it came from him not paying attention. It actually started working pretty well. Then they have to admit it didn’t just come out of nowhere.

      Hope it works for you. Just another little hint in my little bag of tricks for dealing with a PA. LOL.

  3. I don’t visit very often, but each time I do, I smile, chuckle, nod yes and sometimes–tsk.

    You’ve really acquired a deep understanding of PA’s. I appreciate your light approach.

    We are all sisters here! I have learned something kind of different dealing with my PA. He pushes me to blow up, so he can be the victim…and it doesn’t even matter if I warn him that I’m getting frustrated.

    I think it only serves to alert him that his one and only plan in life is working, which is to annoy the hell out of me and get a loud response.

    Now, I’m the kind of person who’s like a duck, can’t hold water on my back. I’m totally incapable of giving the silent treatment or playing a lot of games. However, I’m learning…bit…by bit.

    You’re the best, and I admire your patience and your generous sharing of your experience.

    You wrote:
    “I have come to realize once we are done with the conversation, he’s pretty much done thinking about it.”

    CLASSIC and hilarious when you put it that way!

    Best wishes dealing with the new job issues to come. Hope he loves the job and you do too.

    • Hi Colette! Welcome back and thanks for the kind words.

      Your PA sounds so much like mine. It goes from him “asking for it” to “Poor me. I’m such an idiot.” I’ve gone from saying “No, you’re not an idiot. You just…blah, blah” to “Yeah, sometimes you are.” LOL. The look of shock is worth it when he sees that tactic isn’t working so well anymore. I don’t like the games, etc. either, but sometimes there’s no other way.

      So glad to hear from you. Drop in anytime. Glad anytime I can give a little chuckle to make it all a little easier.

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