Leaving The Passive Aggressive- PT 2

Due to a comment left on the blog, I got to thinking about my original post “Leaving The Passive Aggressive“. While we all know divorce isn’t easy on anyone, we all hope to go through it without shell-shock. Often times that isn’t possible depending on the type of person you are married to. I think it’s important that even though you want to fair, genuinely maybe still care about the other person, you need to be prepared for war, which is what leaving the passive aggressive can turn into.

All of a sudden, this passive aggressive person who couldn’t get off their butt to mow the lawn, or vacuum the house, whichever the case may be, now has nothing but energy to put into making your life miserable. The same one who “forgot” any thing you asked him/her to do, now appears to almost have a law degree. If your passive aggressive is not the kind that leaves and never looks back, he/she may be the kind to swing in the totally opposite direction. Remember, in their minds they have done nothing wrong, it’s all your fault, and they feel justified in what ever they do to you.

You need to remember that now you are just one more person that has inspired their anger. All of that deep seeded anger from childhood that caused them to be passive aggressive to start with will rise closer to the surface now, and you are likely to be the target. If he/she was deceitful in your marriage, you can expect that to be much worse now. It’s very hard as a normal thinking person to imagine how badly someone may react. As I have mentioned before, if you are the one that is leaving, be sure you have anything that is really important to you packed and ready to go. If you are staying, and they are leaving, be sure you have things that are meaningful to you put away somewhere for safe keeping. It is not unusual for family heir looms, wedding rings, etc. to just “suddenly disappear”.

Not only did my ex make me sign over my half of the house in order to get my children’s things out, but the day after we had gone to court, agreed to joint custody and no child support because we would each have the children 50% of the time, he was at the welfare office claiming I had abandoned the kids and collecting medi-cal and cash. Of course the system wants that money back. I had to fight them for 2 yrs. in court and prove that my ex was making a ton of money, shouldn’t have even been on welfare, and prove I had the children most of the time, before I finally won and they turned to go after him for welfare fraud.

While we all just want to get through it when you’re going through a divorce, and you hope that you can act like two grown adults, you have to remember that to a certain extent, you’re dealing with an overgrown child. A child doesn’t always care what is right or wrong when it comes to getting what they want.

I ran across a site this morning in my internet travels called “divorce360.com“. They have forums, blogs, checklists for the different stages of going through the divorce, financial calculators, etc. Really a lot of information. If you are planning on leaving the passive aggressive, or maybe you’re going through the split right now, you may want to check them out.

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4 Responses

  1. Hi Ladybeams–So I will post here since I’m in the divorce process. Is 60 days up yet??? LOL. So just FYI the hubby now has no cell at all and no place to live. Or he does and he’s not telling me. If you said the latter…I wouldn’t be surprised. It would be his twisted way of thinking he’s in control. Because of this situation he handed my diamond (without any gold attached) and my wedding ring over to a friend and it was delivered by the friend. He also left a list of the few things he left here…like he’s going to get that stuff now. If you give me the rest of the jewelry you can have your other stuff. Funny how he’s allowed to break/bend the rules but I’m supposed to play by them.

    I asked the friend why he couldn’t call me? He said well cause he doesn’t have a phone. Are you kidding me? Are we so into the technological age we forgot how we made phone calls in the ’90s. Hello…put a quarter in a pay phone. I’ll even take a collect call. He knows about calling cards to call his family for $5. Borrow a cell from a friend after 9pm at night or the weekends. Oh I’m sorry you must think I’m as stupid as YOU look. Anyway, it’s all good. You just keep being passive and when the divorce is final and they give me everything because you are hiding and can’t deal with life…don’t look at me. Sure I’ll get blamed but at that point I really don’t care. Ahhh my ammo.

    I filed and sent him an email saying let’s meet to sign because he said he would. Conveniently the phone was shut off. So my atty said if he does not sign then we’ll just proceed with publication. She doesn’t want to wait…and I’m on board with that. The less he is involved the more the court will give me. They don’t smile upon an absent dad and so he will hang himself I’m hoping. In my readings I read where a PA will destroy their families, friends and even themselves to prove their point. So be it and actually that’s what I’m hoping on.

    Which brings me to the last subject. The book: Living with the Passive Aggressive Man”. It was good. My husband was textbook. I felt bad at times reading it because it is also geared for those that want to stay. It explained how to deal with PA men. Basically you treat them like little children. You talk to them on a 17 year old teenage boy level. I then determined that at this point, I can’t do that. I already have two boys to raise as it is. I don’t have time to raise a third. Which would last the rest of our life and he would be doing this until we’re old. I wanted a friend, not a permanent child. So I tried not to feel guilty and kept telling myself this. It was a helpful book. I am now moving on to the “Emotional Vampire” one. Cause he felt like an emotional vampire. I’ll keep you updated. Since I don’t talk with him much my inner strength is getting better and better. My friends are all behind me and supporting me and taking care of me. And he had the nerve to tell me to get a life…I had one all along thank you very much.

    Take care and thanks for all the support!

    • Sami- Good for you! You are so right when you said about already having 2 boys to raise. That’s exactly how it is also, forever! LOL. It has gotten so bad here, sometimes I have to explain to the BF step-by-step some of the easiest things. It is just like taking on another child.

      Thanks for your input regarding the book. I thought it was more explaining than geared for people who want to stay in the relationship. For some, like you, that’s the last thing some need. It’s like one Al-Anon meeting I went to after I had left my drunken husband who had physically abused me. I went to the meeting hoping to learn how to live without him and what to expect since I left, and what I got was how to “live with him but apart”. I told them I had just finally gotten out, I wasn’t going back, and I never went back to that particular meeting. LOL.

      Do you only have to wait 60 days to be divorced? In California it takes 6 months until the divorce is final, and that’s down from a year (Thank you, God). 60 days will be over before you know it! I’m so happy for you that you have such a great support system around you. It’s great for you and it’s good for your boys. It’s also great you have an aggressive lawyer. The “in-between” everything you’re so unprotected because there has been no order put in place.

      Well, My Dear, stay in touch. I’m glad things are working out. It sounds like he sold your gold for cash, aye? Just like on the TV commercials. LOL. At least he didn’t hawk or sell it all. I think trading his stuff for the rest of your jewelry is very fair, if he still has it.

  2. Oh…the drama never ends. LOL. I found out the reason he had taken his briefcase to his friends house. Initially I was told it was because it had papers that wouldn’t fit into out safe. Come to find out he took all immigration papers and the house closing papers I signed (cause I had power of attorney for him). He took them BEFORE I inquired about the briefcase. Maybe he realized something was up and so he was being prepared.

    Also, my attorney said ask the friend for help as far as getting him to sign his part of the divorce papers. I did. The friend said he would help as much as possible. I told the friend that he is really not cooperating with me and just not contacting me and I’m totally clueless and this is why I need his help. It was so surreal and I felt so bad for the friend. He said “no it’s not just you. he has an attitude with others and I think some other force is driving it.” Okay that was weird and not surprising. I had validation finally. Because I wondered how long it would be before the jerk would hurt a truly nice and caring friend. A person worth keeping around. But now he’s just gonna hurt him. I feel bad for the friend. It’s hard when you realize your friend isn’t who they say they are.

    Also, just want some insight and maybe you can help. After reading the book it kind of gives you an idea of how the PA develops. I notice my hubby has an overly protective view of his mother. She is one step below God. I mean if I ever mentioned I felt like his mother he would say “you will never be her”. I realized I never was trying or wanting to be her. I like her and I never put her down. He acted like I was talking bad about her or trying to be her. Is this normal? I know his dad was gone most of the time working and mom raised him alone. Then dad came home to visit and I think maybe his dad had expectations of him and the other siblings. Then dad passed when my husband was 11 years old. That put them into a bad time in life. He would go to school hungry because they had no food, etc. Things like that. He mentions how hard life was and I sure don’t doubt it.

    I’d love to hear your view on this. He also has an overly weird attachment to things that seem so insequential to most of us. We adults learn to let things go and know what is truly valuable. To him the smallest things are valuable and the children seem to have less importance.

    Your input would be great. Thanks so much.

    • I am loving reading this! This is so my relationship as well, the PA has not only the mind of a boy, a 12 y/o boy but is quite nearly a hoarder! When we were dating as opposed to now there are 180 degrees of difference that slowly unveiled. Initially he helped me make the bed in the mornings, straighten up and even help with daily chores, all the while he is on about is ex this and his ex that. You would probably not be surprised that all the stories told of the ex are actually applicable to himself. My PA has quite an issue of abandonment and all the insecurities that go along with it. I guess this is where all the drill bits, the screws and the partial tools come in, the PC parts that will someday come in handy but still sit in our bedroom collecting dust and not mentioning the way it looks. My man who was so tidy now just drops clothes, shoes and socks where they come off, in the living room, the kitchen, the dining room or wherever!

      Anyway, I too am seeking information dreading the inevitable break-up which is looming. It’s looming because I am so scared of the unknown after the control I have allowed in our relationship. The breaking free seems surreal and untouchable. I am daily facing building the courage to make the move, but halted with the fear of the confrontation and the wrath he will bring once it begins. My PA will go from 0-60 in a millisecond and the verbal assaults and abuse are unimaginable to others so its hard to find an outlet or genuine support. It’s hard to find the support that one needs to break away, it’s amazing that I feel abandoned yet my friends are in full support of my endeavor agreeing that it is the best for my well-being. I guess it’s just that they aren’t sure what to say because my relationship is so far removed from the in’s and out’s of a “normal” relationship.

      I am in the process of gathering the things I want to keep safe or just keep all together. Is it best to keep only MY things or the things he knowingly gave to me as gifts and can be witnessed as such because I have heard from friends that “I have nothing, and will leave with nothing”. Should I expect to leave these things behind to quell the onslaught? By law I am entitled to these things, of which, I mean PC, laptop, jewelry, etc. Not cars or a house but smaller trivial but important things to me….

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