Resenting The Passive Aggressive

Whether you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive, have a passive aggressive person in your life, or just got out of a passive aggressive relationship, there is bound to be resentment. Unless you are an absolute saint, I don’t know how anyone can not end up resenting the passive aggressive person they’re in a relationship with for the wrong that we feel has been done. It’s normal, it’s common, and it can be very destructive.

An old quote I heard awhile back was “hate (resentment) only destroys the vessel it’s carried (or stored) in.” If you think about it, did your passive aggressive husband/wife/child/boss/parent ever pay any attention to what they were doing to you while you were building this resentment? Did they ever pay attention to your pleas for change and sanity in your relationship? Trust me, they are totally oblivious now to any resentment you are harboring against them, so in that case the only one that gets bothered by it is you.

Oh, they might get it that you’re a little touchy when they talk to you, or they say “Good morning” and you say “What do you mean by that?”, but they don’t really know, nor do they really care.

So like everything else in a passive aggressive relationship, we’re the only ones who can, or will, fix it. Why would we want to? Because the longer it goes on, the deeper it gets, the more it’s going to do damage to us and the ones we care about not getting hurt in the crossfire.

As time has passed by in the relationship, there become more and more issues that are unresolved. Each one of those unresolved issues starts to fester like a boil, and they keep piling up on top of each other. Throw in there the fact that we feel helpless to change it (because God knows we have tried countless times to no avail), and you have the complete recipe for so much resentment, there’s not hardly any room left for the love.

To me, getting rid of resentment over a passive aggressive relationship and anger management sort of go hand in hand. If we are good about letting our anger out in a constructive, or at least not a destructive way, that in itself is a huge step. At least if it’s all out on the table we can start to work to get past it. I’m not saying that you can always let it out at the person you feel deserves it, but there are ways to at least get it out.

One way that I use is the old “my pillow is your face” strategy. When I’m really angry, I can go in the bedroom, shut the door, kneel on the bed and start pounding my pillow. I can say whatever I want to say, beat the hell out of whomever I’m mad at, and feel much better afterward. When I’m beating my pillow, there is no arguing back, no jail time for assault, and no remorse for being angry. It helps me get out that pent up energy that being angry has caused. I’m angry because I’m feeling frustrated, helpless, and mistreated.

Because there is so much to say on this subject, I’m going to break this down into 2 parts. For tonight, make a list of everyone you can think of that you hold resentment for. As you do that, write down why you resent them, what you feel they did to you that you feel is or was wrong. Really think about it, feel it, get it all up and out on paper. Then go back one by one, and ask yourself what kind of an effect the resentment you’re holding for each of these people has on your life.

Is it blocking your own ability to rely on yourself for your happiness? Is it blocking relationships with other people around you that you care about? Is it harming those relationships in some way? Is it stopping you from being your wonderful self and moving past your past? What is it doing to your future?

Ok, my friends, that’s enough soul-searching homework for today. Once we have it all out in front of us, we can begin working on getting over it. See you in part 2.

I’d love to hear how this went for you. Feel free to leave any comments about your experience.


4 Responses

  1. Your articles are becoming more and more professional sounding. This is one of your best to date. When are you going to write that book ?

    • Marilyn- You are so kind. Thanks for the wonderful comments. You have me thinking about a book. LOL. One of these days. Have you tried the “homework”?LOL

  2. I have to agree… this is a very professional post. Congratulations to you for what you are doing here to help people who live with a PA person.

    I would be quick to say I don’t resent anyone. Oh… let me back up. I totally resent my MIL. Thankfully, even though she lives in the same town, she hates me enough so she doesn’t come to our house. My hubby goes to see her every night, even if to “just make an appearance”. When he comes in and tells me he’s going across the street (yes, she lives across the street from us) I just smile and say “Okay… don’t get lost.” LOL

    I’m done being the victim in this relationship. Tonight after dinner (that I made) and after I cleared the table, and while I was doing dishes, my PA hubby’s lens fell out of his glasses. He said “Is there a little screwdriver set in that drawer?” I said “I’m not sure.” and continued doing the dishes. He gets up a few minutes later and starts digging through the drawer and says “That’s okay, I’ll get it.”

    I said “Well, you just do that… did you expect me to stop what I was doing to look for it?” He said, “Well, you weren’t busy when I asked you.” Okay… whatever.

    As I was doing dishes, I said… “Take a look in my makeup kit in my purse.. I think I have a little screwdriver in there.”

    He never got up and looked for it and neither did I. If he wants his glasses fixed he’s going to have to do it without my help.

    He was outside today and came in (with muddy shoes) and asked me to make him a drink. I did. It emptied the Vodka bottle. Tonite, he said “Is that Vodka bottle empty?” I said “Yes.” He shook his head and said “Why is it still sitting on the counter, then?” I said “What difference does it make…. does it bother you?” He said “Yes… if something’s empty, throw it away!”

    The bottle is still on the counter. If he wants it in the trash, he can put it there.

    I’m looking for the silent treatment anytime soon. LOL Go ahead… do it… you can’t bring me down any more.

    I am Woman… hear me Roar! 🙂

    • Hi Karen- good to hear from you.

      I think you did absolutely right! Why should you have to quit what you’re doing, dry your hands and then look for something he can quite easily get for himself? Makes perfect sense to me. Of course I’m one still training mine that as long as I’m working and doing something important, and he’s sitting on his butt doing crosswords all day, he can do things like dinner, or going to the store. I’ve got a couple of projects going with deadlines, his deadline is before the new paper comes out tomorrow with the new crossword in it.

      Your MIL lives right across the street, aye? No wonder you two stay away from each other. LOL. That must have been fun in the beginning. So going across the street every nite he still runs home to Mama? LOL.

      Well, you sound great! I don’t know, sometimes the silent treatment is almost a blessing, aye? It sounds like you got some spunk for the New Year. At some point we have to quit being their mothers, especially when they already have one so close. LOL. Take care and please, keep in touch. Thank you so much for the kind words about the post.

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