Whether you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive, have a passive aggressive person in your life, or just got out of a passive aggressive relationship, there is bound to be resentment. Unless you are an absolute saint, I don’t know how anyone can not end up resenting the passive aggressive person they’re in a relationship with for the wrong that we feel has been done. It’s normal, it’s common, and it can be very destructive.
An old quote I heard awhile back was “hate (resentment) only destroys the vessel it’s carried (or stored) in.” If you think about it, did your passive aggressive husband/wife/child/boss/parent ever pay any attention to what they were doing to you while you were building this resentment? Did they ever pay attention to your pleas for change and sanity in your relationship? Trust me, they are totally oblivious now to any resentment you are harboring against them, so in that case the only one that gets bothered by it is you.
Oh, they might get it that you’re a little touchy when they talk to you, or they say “Good morning” and you say “What do you mean by that?”, but they don’t really know, nor do they really care.
So like everything else in a passive aggressive relationship, we’re the only ones who can, or will, fix it. Why would we want to? Because the longer it goes on, the deeper it gets, the more it’s going to do damage to us and the ones we care about not getting hurt in the crossfire.
As time has passed by in the relationship, there become more and more issues that are unresolved. Each one of those unresolved issues starts to fester like a boil, and they keep piling up on top of each other. Throw in there the fact that we feel helpless to change it (because God knows we have tried countless times to no avail), and you have the complete recipe for so much resentment, there’s not hardly any room left for the love.
To me, getting rid of resentment over a passive aggressive relationship and anger management sort of go hand in hand. If we are good about letting our anger out in a constructive, or at least not a destructive way, that in itself is a huge step. At least if it’s all out on the table we can start to work to get past it. I’m not saying that you can always let it out at the person you feel deserves it, but there are ways to at least get it out.
One way that I use is the old “my pillow is your face” strategy. When I’m really angry, I can go in the bedroom, shut the door, kneel on the bed and start pounding my pillow. I can say whatever I want to say, beat the hell out of whomever I’m mad at, and feel much better afterward. When I’m beating my pillow, there is no arguing back, no jail time for assault, and no remorse for being angry. It helps me get out that pent up energy that being angry has caused. I’m angry because I’m feeling frustrated, helpless, and mistreated.
Because there is so much to say on this subject, I’m going to break this down into 2 parts. For tonight, make a list of everyone you can think of that you hold resentment for. As you do that, write down why you resent them, what you feel they did to you that you feel is or was wrong. Really think about it, feel it, get it all up and out on paper. Then go back one by one, and ask yourself what kind of an effect the resentment you’re holding for each of these people has on your life.
Is it blocking your own ability to rely on yourself for your happiness? Is it blocking relationships with other people around you that you care about? Is it harming those relationships in some way? Is it stopping you from being your wonderful self and moving past your past? What is it doing to your future?
Ok, my friends, that’s enough soul-searching homework for today. Once we have it all out in front of us, we can begin working on getting over it. See you in part 2.
I’d love to hear how this went for you. Feel free to leave any comments about your experience.
Filed under: causes, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive families, passive aggressive parent, passive aggressive spouse | Tagged: coping with a passive aggressive, dealing with passive aggressive peopl, hidden feelings, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, resenting a passive aggressive |