The Victims of Passive Aggression

art of livingIf you didn’t know already, last night was our first seminar for victims of passive aggressive partners or spouses. I thought it was a great stepping stone to the future. We had a great turn-out and conversations were flying. Thank you so much to all who joined us.

As usual there is always a technological glich or two, and this time was no exception. I personally like where you can talk and hear each other vs. a chatroom like atmosphere, but we got some good conversation and hopefully gave some good information. I’m looking forward to using some of the conversation here.

Also, my friend Nora, who is a Ph.D, launched her new book last nite at a discounted price for participants in the call. For a limited time I see she still has the page up. The book is titled “The Art of Living With A Passive Aggressive Husband”. Just reading the page is helpful. LOL You can access it here. It’s a heck of a package, as she’s offering 2 coaching sessions when you purchase the book.

If any of you made the webiseminar last night, could you help me out with your feedback? Open to suggestions for improvements, what you liked or didn’t like. I thought it was an excellent opportunity, but I want to make sure as many as possible get something out of it. Thanks for the help.

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4 Responses

  1. Sorry I missed your seminar. It sounds like all went well. I have been thinking about a subject that I would like for you to address. The topic is resentment. I see that I still harbor resentment and would like to move past this emotion to something more positive.

  2. Glad to see your site. I have been in a relationship for 23 years. 23 years of loneliness, emptiness, hurt, depression, and mental anguish. I decided a few weeks ago to try to improve the marriage with my wife. She shows little interest other than to blame me and try to sabotage us going to a counsellor. Her goal is t to make me look like a monster.
    I set up the conselling sessions, I have been doing the research, and bought a great book “Fighting For Your Marriage”. It was a result of reading this book, that I suddenly realized, I have been a victim of a passive agressive spouse for 23 years.
    As I began to look for websites on this topic, I found so many testimonies of others who have experienced the exact same treatment I have.
    She has not slept with me for 6 years. When we used to have sex, I was allowed one night a week at exactly 10:00 P.M.. When she came to bed, she would tell me “hurry up, Im tired” and proceed to yawn while making love.
    She told me sex was just to have children. We had three girls, and unfortunately they are a part of this toxic relationship. They suffer from the results as well.

    And my wife keeps telling me that our family problems and our marriage problems, my e.d. and so many other problems I get concerned about because of our toxic relationship, is all normal, and to stop worrying. She does nothing, and if I try, she tries to sabotage my efforts.

    She has always put me down in front of family and strangers.
    When I try to talk with her, she puts up a wall. Either turns on the t.v., or gets nasty with me, or tells me I am mean to her.
    I used to try to hug her, or kiss her, even after we were only married a few years, and I was pushed away and told not to touch her.
    She usually tells me I cant do anything right. I am not man enough, etc..etc.
    And then she accuses me of trying to control her, believe it or not.
    She accuses me of abusing her and the kids, when I have done no such thing.
    I hope this counsellor will see through her lies and accusations.
    I was foolishly hoping for a change for the better. But she has no intention of changing her comfortable control situation.
    Her main beef at the counselling is that the car we have is in my name. She wants it in her name, and is telling me I am abusing her for not letting her have it, even after she has told me she is going to leave me.

    I dont know how this will end up, but I can guarantee you, I never want to have another relationship with a woman for the rest of my life. I would rather die lonely, and in peace, than have the evil control she wants hanging over my head like a dark cloud.

    I have tried over and over again through the years. I have never had kindness, consideration, real love, appreciation, compassion, communication, or tenderness from her ever. She has shown some interest from time to time,but only for a very brief time, and then within hours or a few days, it is back to the same old again. Almost like she is rubbing it in, “this is what you are missing, this is what I am keeping from you”

    She relies on the fact that I have some strong spiritual values that keep me from just walking out, or going off with another woman. She knows this and uses it against me.

    You are left feeling worthless, hopeless, lonely, resentful, and a thousand other negative things, that make you wish you could just die.

    • Paul- Thank you so much for sharing your story and welcome to a place where so many share your pain. It is just as sad when a man suffers from the mental and emotional abuse a passive aggressive woman can dish out as it is when it’s the other way around. We, as human beings were just not meant to live without love.

      Let me say, you are on the right track with the counseling and if she won’t go, go without her. The things you are feeling and are happening in your relationship are not normal and counseling will help to validate your feelings, give you the support and strength you need in order to work on changing things. The one thing I would advise is that you “interview” therapists a little to make sure they are used to dealing with passive aggressive personalities. Many are not and are quite easily manipulated by the passive aggressive. Then, instead of something that should be helping you, therapy just becomes another form of frustration and failure. If out of everything you’ve relayed here, her sole beef is about the car being in your name, she really does have a problem. It’s too bad you couldn’t just get a cheap, used car for her and be done with it.

      I’m sorry to hear about the girls. You didn’t say a whole lot about them, but it sounds like they are learning from their mother’s behavior. I would hope not as they would be doomed in their own future relationships. Not everyone is lucky enough to find a man that would put up with this kind of behavior for very long. Do you ever talk to them about what relationships should be? or show them the love and affection even though they never see it between you and your wife? If your wife’s behavior has had much influence on them, you might want to consider “family” therapy.

      For yourself, you need to start doing some of the things that make you feel better about you. If you haven’t seen any of your buddies in awhile, maybe get back in touch and go for lunch or something. You say about strong spiritual beliefs, get involved in a men’s group at church. It sounds like after years of being beaten down, it’s time you started to build yourself back up. You obviously can see when she tries to sabotage you regarding counseling, she will try to do the same with anything you attempt to do for yourself. You just need to be prepared for it, take it in stride, and not let her side track you. Check with your county mental health department and see what kind of support groups for men they have available. If you won’t do some of these things for yourself, think of your girls. They need to see what a normal, functioning father is like regardless of their mother. They need you to be strong for them. You are the only one that can help to guide them in the right direction for who they will ultimately become.

      I hope this helps a little. Feel free to stop by any time, and don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. If you are not getting any love and affection from your partner it is not unusual at all to feel the things you are feeling. We all need to feel loved and desired. It’s like a flower. If you never water it or give it sunshine, it will wither up and die. Good luck and God Bless.

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