Sharing Passive Aggressive Holiday Stories

wrapping paper mess

Aftermath of Christmas

I thought sharing passive aggressive holiday stories might be fun, or at the very least, therapeutic.

My kids are home for Christmas and they think I’m a little nuts because they don’t really understand true passive aggression. Of course that’s the passive aggressive’s aim isn’t it, to make everyone think we’re the ones who are nuts? The other night they said I claim everything the passive aggressive BF does is passive aggressive. I told them “Not everything, but pretty close” and then proceeded to point out exactly what had happened Christmas Eve.

The PA BF was pre-cooking some of the veggies for Christmas dinner Christmas Eve day.  (Yeah, he cooks and he cooks really well. LOL) It starts getting around dinner time, the kids are asking when we’re going to eat or what we’re having for dinner. I ask the BF when he thinks he’s going to be done because the natives are getting restless. He says about 10 to 20 minutes. No big deal. I go back to work, the kids go back to visiting with each other and watching some tv.

After about a half hour one of the kids asks if we’re going to start dinner anytime soon. I go out to the kitchen, everything’s turned off and the passive aggressive BF is sitting in our room watching TV. He never even let me know he was done, let alone that he wasn’t cooking dinner. When I say something to him, he says “well if I’m doing it, what am I doing?” Now the funny part of this is he’s the one that went to the store and picked up what we were having for dinner. We had discussed it, he went and got it, and then it’s like there is some big surprise! Then I’m just being a, well, you know. We did make it through Christmas pretty much unscathed.

I changed the poll on the right-hand side today. The results of the last poll were 50% of you said you think of leaving your passive aggressive spouse or partner everyday, 42% said you think about it but are still hoping to work things out, and 8% say you’ll never give up. Now as we get past Christmas, what are your plans for the new year?

I also know that for many of us, the holidays were just the “icing on the cake” so for many of you I have put up a new “gift page”.  I have loaded John Shore’s series of  “Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships” and a book by the people at Creative Conflicts on “Leaving A Passive Aggressive Relationship”.  My sincere thanks to them for letting me share with you and, my gift to you for sharing my life and yours. You can get them at the Free Gift tab on top of the blog.

Any stories you want to share? Any plans for the new year? Feel free to share what’s happening with you in the “leave a comment” section below.

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4 Responses

  1. You may remember that last week I shared that PA hubby hadn’t gotten me anything for Christmas because he said he asked me and I said I didn’t want anything. Huh? I didn’t remember THAT conversation. Anyway, I was going to just toss all the stuff I got him, but how could I throw out $100 worth of pipes and cigars and a book…. so that night I said “Okay, since we’re not celebrating Christmas, you might as well have these now” and gave him the stuff, unwrapped. I told him that if he hadn’t been shopping yet, just to forget about it…. and I meant it. He’d already ruined my Christmas.

    He worked only 1/2 day on Christmas Eve and came home about an hour late, so I figured he’d been shopping.

    Sure enough, on Christmas morning, there are 4 presents wrapped and sitting on the dining room table. I said “Who are these for?” He said “You.” I said “I thought we weren’t doing Christmas this year??” No response.

    I made breakfast, then opened my gifts. Here is what he gathered in walking through Wal-Mart and K-Mart on Christmas Eve.

    1. 2 pkg frozen salmon filets
    2. A giant Hershey bar
    3. A couch pillow
    4. A bottle of wine

    LOL When I told my daughter, she said “That’s the most electic bunch of Christmas gifts I’ve ever heard of!”

    I have to laugh.

    His mother showed up on our doorstep last July. After she was here for 7 weeks, I came undone. I had tried and tried to talk to PA hubby about her living arrangements. I even went to the local retirement community and it was very nice. I got all the information and presented it to him. Of course through all of this I never had a response from him, other than “It will all work out.” He and I had several discussions in prior years about his parents living with us. I had told him that it WOULD NOT work. If they would like to move to the same city we are in, he could pick them up every night for dinner and take them home every night, but it WOULD NOT work for them to live with us. His father passed a few years ago and his mother was living with his sister.

    She decided that she wanted to come live with us. Without even ASKING, she moved, lock, stock and barrel and showed up on our doorstep. I was SO frustrated after 7 weeks of not knowing what was going on, that after a few glasses of wine one night, I confronted her and pretty much kicked her out of the house. Well… “pretty much” doesn’t really convey the real message… heh… I kicked her ass out!

    So, all of this PA behavior on hubby’s part is still punishing me for kicking his mother out. I understand that. I am so thankful to have a “glass half-full” personality otherwise I would never get through this.

    Like I said, I am 60 yrs old and I’m not going anywhere. He is a wonderful, kind, generous, decent man except he has this one freaking flaw… he’s PA. With my self-esteem and my love for him (despite the PA personality) I’m hanging in there. If I were much younger, I would not be able to handle this behavior and would have gotten out by now, but as you grow older, you learn to compromise and give in and give up and learn to live for yourself.

    I have a wonderful daughter and two granddaughters who keep me going. Thank God for them.

    I have no advice for those of you living with PA people. It’s the pits, I know, but everyone has to do what they feel is best for them. I try to live my life, including my PA hubby as I can and as he likes, but will not become a victim to his moods and behavior that will ruin my life.

    Merry Crappy Christmas to all of you who married PA’s. LOL xoxo

    • Hi Karen- Welcome back and thanks for sharing. I do remember you talking about your conversation with the hubby about Christmas. It looks like he bought you dinner, dessert, wine to go with dinner, and a pillow for you to get comfortable watching your favorite TV. LOL.

      I can’t say as I blame you not wanting his mother there 24/7. His sister was probably all too happy to oblige her when she said about moving in with you guys. That’s why no one asked first. You may have told them no. LOL. It’s a shame he couldn’t have handled it before it got to the point of driving you to distraction, but as we all know that’s the typical PA way. They have us to handle the dirty work and then get upset when we do.

      My PA hid out in our bedroom all day yesterday. Poor thing is surrounded by my kids and mother. It’s good that you have your daughter and granddaughters. We need people around us that are actually able to show love and affection and accept it. That’s why I’m always pushing for everyone to build a support system. It’s so important.

      Looking forward to hearing from you in the future. Plans for New Year’s? I have a feeling ours is going to be pretty quiet.

  2. Ladybeams I hope your holidays went well. I had all the kids and we all had a very nice time together. I don’t know if it is downside of the holidays, but I feel badly for my husband. I honestly cannot talk with him because my resentment is so great. But at the same time, after looking at some recent photos of him, he looks 20 years older than I do, not the mere 18 months difference in our ages. Why do I have to be responsible? Why do I feel guilty? There are just certain things that happened in our marriage that I cannot overlook. I am happier without him. I felt him sucking the very life out of me, but I do feel badly for him. My PA son had a bit of a outburst toward his brothers, but they just took it in stride. I took it as a positive expression of his irritation with something he did. Rather than suck it in, he did express himself. A few minutes later they were back to getting along. I do feel he is kind of stalled in making plans, but I can’t push him or suggest. I just have to wait patiently. He had come to my house a few weeks ago, and we did have a heart to heart talk. I expressed my regret for anything that I may have done that led him into doing the things he did. He sweetly said it was just kid things and he was growing up. I do believe him, but he seems so much like my husband that it hurts. I don’t want him to be alone and alienated. As I even write this I know this is beyond my control. But I see him in the same ways I see my husband and it is painful. I cannot figure my intense resentment of my husband, my inability to speak to him, or the anger I feel. I just wish I could fix my son and forgive my husband, but I just can’t.

    • Hi PA’s Mom- My holidays went very well, thank you. I had all my kids also. My PA boyfriend lets out little signs here and there that he resents them, but that’s ok. I just ignore it most of the time. LOL. Glad to hear you had all of yours with you. For one who was so worried about being alone, they seem to visit you a lot, which is great! It’s so nice when they do it of their own volition.

      I think that it’s normal to feel sorry for someone that we once cared about so much when we see that they are headed down a dead end path, especially when we realize what “could have been”. There is no reason to feel guilty. You are not his mother and he’s a grown man making his own choices. You didn’t cause him to be the way he is, you tried talking to him and he chose not to fix things. He did that, not you. What’s important is you are definitely happier on your own. And isn’t the relationships with your children better without all that tension between you and their father? That’s reason alone for you to feel good about the choices you’re making. In time you’ll be able to forgive him. Maybe never forget, but you’ll need to forgive. “Resentment and hate only destroys the vessel it’s carried in.” He’s probably still totally oblivious.

      So good to hear about your son and his siblings. That is good that he’s able to express himself, and then let go of it so they could get along for the rest of the visit. Those are good signs. From the sounds of your heart to heart, he’s maturing quite a bit. My Dear, we can always “gently” suggest, we just can’t get too disappointed when they don’t take our suggestions, but they still need some guidance. If it hadn’t been for me “suggesting” to my son that there was nothing for him to come back to here when he first moved down south and was homesick, he may have kept with his decision to move back and to a life that had spiraled out of control from drugs and alcohol. We had a nice talk about what he was actually coming back to and what he was leaving down there, and by the time we were done he felt good about staying in a place where he could start on a good path for his life.

      If you see little things in him that remind you of the bad points about your husband, you might just give him a couple of choices on a different way to handle the situation. Make it sound light, like he can take the choices or leave them, but what the consequences are, pointing out maybe what the bad choice has done to his father. How does he feel about being like his father? I was curious. You said even he can’t stand the boxes and clutter around the house from his father not doing anything. Maybe there are certain things he’s doing he doesn’t even consciously realize. You two have been doing really well, and he’s closer to you all the time. I’m sure you’ll find a way. Look how far you’ve come! Yeah!

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