A Great Example of Passive Aggressive Behavior

his and hers toilets

Is this the answer?

I had to share this because it is such a great example of passive aggressive behavior I couldn’t pass it up. I’ve been at this game for a pretty long time and really figured I kind of had a handle on “cause and effect”, but this one is a completely new one that has me dumbfounded. I realize 10 yrs. isn’t much to some of you really old timers (22 yrs., 36 yrs.) but I thought it was long enough to pretty much be aware of most of the games.

My wonderfully, passive aggressive BF and I are having a “War of the Toilet Seat”. Now mind you, this is 10 yrs. into the relationship where he has always been most courteous about putting the toilet seat down when he’s done. That’s what a gentleman does, right? And he was definitely raised a gentleman. Everyone forgets once in a while to put the toilet seat down, or to flush, I mean we all have, so I didn’t mention it at first. I couldn’t help but notice that I’m having to check more and more when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (in the dark) that I need to check and make sure what position the toilet seat is in. Even being heavy, my warm but hits that cold water, it’s not pleasant. LOL.

After a few times with in just a few days of noticing that he wasn’t putting the toilet seat down I said something to him about it the other night. Of course in the usual passive aggressive way, he apologized profusely, assured me that he wasn’t upset about anything, and the next morning I get up and not only is the toilet seat up, but this time he didn’t even bother to flush. (Nothing sacred or private on my blog. LOL)

Last night I told him “Boy, you sure got even with me. I mention not putting the toilet seat down so this morning you don’t put it down or flush.” I told him “I don’t know what I did to piss you off, but obviously there’s something bothering you that you’re chosing this way to get even”.

Now this is the true passive aggressive. He kept saying “No, no” and hung his head in shame.

We sat across from the table from each other watching TV, him with his head hung low, me carrying on like it’s nothing. Me remarking on different parts of the TV program, him not saying a word. Poor passive aggressive Baby.  So during the night, sure enough I had to put the toilet seat down (I been down that road before) and then today I went in to use the toilet and the toilet seat’s up. Funny guy!

The only thing I can think of is I’ve been pretty big lately on his pursuing work again now that we’re settled in a new home. While we were floating, I know it’s hard to connect, etc. although I would have tried at that point even harder, but I wasn’t on him to much to go to work. Now we’re settled with our own address and I’ve been on him about checking in with his group at EDD, etc. He actually went for an interview yesterday. That’s the only thing I can think of that set off this new retaliation. But when you’re living with a passive aggressive and hidden feelings, who knows?


4 Responses

  1. Ahh Ladybeams, I think for your next career you ought to seriously consider stand up comedy. I think you have a bout 10 years worth of material.

    • PA’s Mom- Thanks. Glad you got a kick out of it. It’s funny you say that. I used to run a comedy show and those guys used to try to get me to do an “open mic” session. I’ll have to stash this in case I get another chance. LOL.

      Hope things are going well with you. Always nice to hear from you.

  2. Ours is the war over locking the door. When I ask him to please remember to lock the front door…all of a sudden it is unlocked every single time I walk by. How sad that they to have to get their anger out in such childish ways.

    Also, any experience with passive aggressive people going to great lengths to argue and debate their intentions? My husband tries to escape responsibility by saying “well, I didn’t mean to hurt you”, “it wasn’t intentional”. Trying to explain to him over and over that what he has done really hurt me is exhausting. He will “sort of” admit it sometimes, or say that he is sorry, but then the next day he magically forgets and denies that he did anything at all. It’s like nailing jello to the wall. (The locked door thing isn’t hurtful, just annoying.)

    • Christy- Hi and Welcome again.

      Yes it’s very sad that they have to act like such children instead of talking to us like grown up partners, which is what we always thought we were getting. NOT. LOL. Although not locking the front door could be dangerous. A little different than me just falling in the toilet. I’m pretty sure I’d be annoyed also.

      The behavior you described is very passive aggressive. They almost always lay blame somewhere else rather than taking any. Many never say “I’m sorry” for anything, ever, because they never did anything in their minds to warrant it. Mine says he’s sorry and hangs his head like a small child that’s just been scolded, but it doesn’t stop him from doing the same thing again, or jumping to a new tactic. They’re passive aggressive ways are never meant to “intentionally hurt” us.

      You’re analogy of nailing jello to a wall is very well put. I don’t think I would try telling him over and over. It is exhausting. I think it’s best to confront the problem head on when it happens, and then let it go. I know that’s hard to do when you don’t get the reaction you’re hoping for (apology, acknowledgement, etc.) but you’ll wear yourself out if you don’t just accept that that is how they are, they don’t emotionally connect so they will never really “get it”, and on top of that they’re happy because they got a reaction out of you, so why change anything? They got exactly what they were looking for.

      I wish you luck My Dear. It sounds like you are working so hard at trying to get this to work, but the first thing you probably need to do to help you along the way is to decide if the way he is is acceptable to you or not. As so many smarter than me people have said “We can’t change them, we can only change ourselves and how we react to them.”

      Thank you for your comments, and hopefully you’re finding some insight here. Hope it helps. Passive aggressive spouses or partners are a whole separate breed. LOL. Stop by anytime.

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