To give in? This is kind of like “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but the lightbulb has to really want to change”. LOL.
The passive aggressive BF and I have little rituals that have been going on since we first started seeing each other and then living together over 10 years ago. I’m sure many of you do also. We never leave the house without giving the other one a kiss good-bye. We never hang up the phone without saying “I love you”, etc. At least that’s how it usually is.
As you know when the passive aggressive is upset with you about something they have their little subtle ways of letting us know without coming right out and discussing it. My passive aggressive boyfriend starts barely kissing me when we kiss goodbye. This is so lite, any lighter you wouldn’t even be touching lips. That’s usually my first clue. I’ve decided over the last year or so when that happens, I don’t need a kiss at all, so I quit. I don’t have the energy for that crap anymore. It doesn’t take him too long to get the clue that I’m not into that game, and he comes looking for the kiss goodbye, and starts putting some feeling back in it.
Also as many of you know who have been reading here for awhile, it’s been a long time (really long time) since there’s been any intimacy between us. That’s right. Absolutely no sex. So I decided I could live without that too. I don’t know if it’s because I’m post menopausal, although to tell you the truth I think it’s more because women need an emotional connection most of the time to have sex, and if you’re with a passive aggressive partner or spouse, this element tends to be lacking, which is our case. I started emotionally backing away from him a few years ago out of self-defense. I find things don’t bother me so badly that way.
I don’t know what happened and I don’t pretend to know what caused it, but the passive aggressive boyfriend ‘caved’. That’s right. I can’t believe it!
It started a couple of days ago when we were on the phone. I was getting ready to hang up, said the usual goodbyes, and he rushes in this fast “I love you”. I told him I loved him too.
Then last night as he was getting ready to go to the store, I was sitting at my desk and he came over and kissed me goodbye. He really kissed me. I was shocked to say the least. I always try to reward him when he does something I like with a “thank you” or “that was really nice”. You know, kind of like you reward a child for good behavior to encourage that kind of behavior in the future. All these years I haven’t been so sure it’s taken, but I keep doing it anyways. I think because I never want him saying he doesn’t do something because I reject him or don’t respond well. That’s the usual excuse. He says the reason he doesn’t reach out for me is because he was rejected and called an animal in the past. Personally I think that’s a lot of BS and just a lame excuse, but who knows?
And then comes the “piece de resistance”. He’s actually been sort of cuddling me at night for about a week. According to him the part he didn’t like when we were sleeping apart for the months in the motel was not being able to feel at least my feet touching him. Yet when we moved into our new place it seemed like he was very careful to stay way over on the edge of his side of the bed. When I mentioned it he said he had actually cuddled with me most of the night. I told him he was full of it because when he touches me I usually jump and it wakes me up. Last night after we went to bed, we both woke up about the same time an hour or so later and he starts rubbing my back, etc. Last night for the first time in at least a few years, he actually initiated love-making! Like I said, I don’t know what brought it on, and considering what’s happened over the last week it’s taken him that long to go ahead and give it a shot, but I certainly hope that wasn’t enough to last another few years or so. LOL. I guess we’ll see.
Filed under: coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse, psychology | Tagged: coping with a passive aggressive, coping with passive aggressive behavior, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, sanity, withholding sex |