The Passive Aggressive And Commitment

People have been asking about the passive aggressive and commitment so I thought I would write a little about it now.

If you’re looking for true, real, deep down commitment from a passive aggressive (like the I’ll love you till I die kind) you’re looking in the wrong place. While you may get them to marry you, which I have to say the shack-ups (no offense. I’m one) outnumber the marriages by my tally, they still never really commit. They don’t know how and they’re scared to death of it.

I’m a prime example. I’ve been engaged to my passive aggressive BF for almost 10 yrs. He told me from the beginner he’s a “sticker” meaning he sticks in the relationship for as long as I’ll put up with him, but actually walk down the aisle, forget it. (Thank you, God). And he is. He sticks like frickin’ glue. LOL. He doesn’t hardly socialize. He doesn’t go out and he doesn’t have any friends that he keeps in touch with. At the same time, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t come home drunk after hours at the bar, and he doesn’t beat me. There are some good things.

Here me LOUD AND CLEAR. A passive aggressive does not commit. They are afraid if they do they may get dependent on you. The also don’t know how to commit emotionally to anything or anyone. If you’re in the dating stage, you may think he’s committed, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that’s true. He probably wants to be, but he doesn’t know how and in most cases isn’t willing to learn. What’s really hard about the passive aggressive you fall in love with is most of the time their so damn good at hiding how passive aggressive they are.

If you’re in a relationship with a man who
1) has no interaction with the family he was born in to
2) has no interaction with a family he created in the past
3) was abused in his childhood and didn’t rebel
4) has really old fashioned views on discipline based on how he was raised (really harsh)

odds are you’re dating a passive aggressive. And if you’re like me and you’re the one making all the moves sexually, don’t expect that to change either. At first I thought the passive aggressive BF was just “old fashioned” and being polite. I had listened to different sayings he had and the way he talked, so I thought he just really cared for me and didn’t want to scare me off. WRONG. After we got together he didn’t reach for me either. I used to talk to him about it. He just said he had been accused of being an animal before so he wasn’t like that anymore. BS.

He was never like that or his first wife wouldn’t have been caught cheating on him. His girlfriend after that that he really cared for wouldn’t have left for another man, etc. He’s just been lucky with me in the way that
1) I’m too old and lazy to start training again (altho I may revive)
2) I’m too busy to care about anything else right now
3) When I had so many opportunities the relationship was still new enough I always thought of him first
4) Last but not least, I believe in breaking things off first, before I go messing around (although that could change at any minute. LOL)

If you’re looking for a man that does what he says, is devoted to you like we see in the movies (which we all know is a fairytale but some are better than others), and wants to only be with you, do things with you around the house, be social with your friends, blah, blah, blah, you’re looking in the wrong place if you’re involved with a passive aggressive person. They don’t have and probably will never get, a clue.

Don’t forget to check out the new Recommended Reading List (heading at the top of the page) and please, we would love to hear your story or leave a comment on the post. Always glad to learn and share ideas.


5 Responses

  1. I get most of this post, especially the initiating sex, but “if you’re in a realtionship with a man who” none of those points apply to my SO, (we’ve been living together for 20 years, we can’t get married because his last marriage failed)!
    1. He had a good relationship with his family, while his parents were alive and still keeps in regular contact with his siblings.
    2. he was married before but had no kids, and I’d think it was a bit odd if he did still have much to speak about with his ex,
    3. he was never abused although I get the impression from things he says that he may have been subjected to bullying at school.
    4. His views on raising our children have been fairly progressive, although he has always ‘joked’ that I should have a little job in a cake shop, and has been impossible to live with at times when my career took off, of course I then stopped doing those jobs so he wouldn’t feel threatened…
    loving your blog

    • Welcome Michelle- Glad you stopped by to take a look.

      It doesn’t look like your guy is the typical passive aggressive based on what you’re saying. Maybe just a little damaged from his first marriage. I don’t know how long that marriage lasted, but it seems to me a 20 yr. relationship with you would show him something. No offense, but it seems a pretty flimsy excuse now for not marrying you. What do your children think about the fact that you’ve been together so long and aren’t married? When they’re little they don’t know the difference, but as they get older I’m sure they would have some point of view.

      I’m sorry he was able to get you to quit each time your career starts to take off, but many men are threatened by a woman that makes more money than them, or is more successful. You would think in this day and age when so many women work and so many men are stay-at-home Dads they would get over that.

      I’m glad you enjoy the blog. Stop by anytime. Hopefully you’ll find something now and then that pertains to you.

    • Wow, I’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and he asked my kids for my hand in marriage, I haven’t because of my last marriage. He gave me the credit card from the jump, and our biggest problem is sex (18 yrs. in the prison) he treats me like a queen, until the sex he told me how he felt via text, his communication is text mostly his private parts. I was so occupied with college classes and going through early menopause I checked out the relationship, which set him off.

  2. Holy cow. Are we dating the same guy??? I had a baby with a near identical person just this past year after a 5 year “shacking up” relationship. He dosen’t “believe” in marriage, yet he proposed anyway while I was pregnant- because as much as he is passive aggressive, he’s also the type that “does the right thing.” I initially said “yes” but since then I haven’t been able to take this whole thing seriously. I feel heartbroken, but especially for my son.

    • debra Sullivan- Hi, Welcome, and LOL (about dating the same guy).

      So he proposed because you were pregnant so he could do the right thing, aye? I’ve been there, done that. I told him no because if I wasn’t good enough to marry before the baby, I wasn’t good enough to marry after getting pregnant. Of course I grew up just as kids were starting to realize that just because there was a baby, they didn’t have to get married. He too was not fully committed, was emotionally detached, and we ended up splitting when my daughter was about 9 months old.

      I still feel 20 yrs. later that it was better for my daughter and myself to go it alone than for her to grow up in an emotionally detached environment. At least then you have a chance for a happy and loving environment. If you stay with your son’s father now, what will your son be growing up with? You said since then you haven’t been able to take the whole thing seriously. Has he pursued the matter at all, or did he just let it drop? If he hasn’t mentioned it much since he asked you, he may not take it seriously either, or hope you don’t. May be a sign that’s not the best avenue for you.

      While I understand feeling sad for your son because his dad isn’t the dad you would want him to be, don’t ever underestimate how much your love can do for him. These days single mom’s are almost the norm, and it’s more important that he grows up surrounded in love and functional, than a passive aggressive copy-cat of his father.

      I hope you have some sort of support system to help you with this. We’re here, but it helps to have family or friends, maybe even a therapist, to support you in person. It’s very easy once your dreams fall apart to allow yourself to be beaten down, so to speak.

      Feel free to stop by here anytime. Let us know how you and your son are doing. Rant and rave if you like. There’s always somebody ‘listening’. Now that you have made the first comment, your comments will show up right away instead of having to wait for my approval. Good luck and take care.

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