Leading in to my post tonite, I wanted to post the results of the old poll on the left hand side. (Hint: If you don’t scroll all the way down to see what’s in my sidebars you may have missed it. LOL). 50% of you have been with your passive aggressive partner or spouse over 11 yrs. 38% of you have been with your passive aggressive partner or spouse only 1-5 yrs. (I say only like it’s almost nothing. We all know better than that, don’t we?) So tonite the 50% that are still with their passive aggressive partners have my attention and the 38% might want to read on because of a “don’t let this happen to you”. LOL.
I received an email and the headline was “Rekindle the flame”. I’m female. I’ve been with my passive aggressive boyfriend for a long time. Love-and-affection-wise it’s not the relationship I’d always dreamed of so I read it. The article actually is quite interesting. I just happened to notice a few flaws.
As we get older we start to appreciate long-term relationships more than we did when we were young. We are realizing that we are mortal and our priorities change as far as how much time we have left and how we want to spend it. We value the time (for some, decades) we’ve spent with our partner or spouse, we still believe in being faithful and committed, but we’re not getting the love and affection we always thought went along with all of that (you know, that stuff that makes you sigh in the movies). A good reason for that is all the resentments and anger we hold on to through the years.
According to this article, underneath all the resentments is still the love, but we have to work through the anger to find it. I agree with that whole heartedly. I started holding back myself when I started getting resentful at the lack of emotion, intimacy, and everything else that usually goes in a relationship when two people love each other. I get that part. I just want to know how do you “work through it” with a passive aggressive who rarely says a word when it comes to the problems you’re having in a relationship? (Which is probably why counseling rarely works with them).
The main person giving advice in this article like every other relationship counselor, once again brings up “date night”. If you’re new to this “figuring out your relationship” stuff it’s when you set aside at least one nite a week for a “date” with your partner or spouse. Her idea is to switch off weeks. One night it’s your turn to plan the evening, take care of any reservations, and take care of any child or eldercare that has to be squared away. Next week he does it all and makes all the plans. Can anyone besides me hear “Oh, was that tonite?” or “I forgot to…make reservations, get a babysitter, etc.?”
Then there’s the old “schedule a time for a discussion”. If you’re not happy about something tell him you need to talk to him and set a time within the next 24 hours. Am I just being cynical here or am I right that by 24 hours he “doesn’t remember” the incident, or he won’t talk at all?
The one thing I will say about the article is that this guy Hendrix writes on his Web site, harvillehendrix.org, that conflict is a natural part of relationships. “Conflict is supposed to happen. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. At least that sounds positive. “Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive”. Isn’t that the truth!
There’s more to go but this is getting way too long, so I will finish it tomorrow along with giving you the link in case you’d like to read the article or explore the site yourself. Until then…
Filed under: abuse, causes, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse, psychology | Tagged: coping with a passive aggressive, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive communication, passive aggressive lack of intimacy, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, withholding sex |