More Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior

First, I want to let everyone know we have finally found a new home. Yeah! Thank you to so many of my friends here that haveĀ  been with me the last few months and offered such wonderful words of encouragement and prayers. This Monday is move-in day. I may be down for a few days at the beginning of the week while we’re moving our stuff in out of 3 different storages, and I’m getting my internet hooked up, but I’ll be back! LOL. Boy, if anyone really wants to know about passive aggressive behavior and tendencies, try living in one small hotel room with a passive aggressive for four months. And he still lives! Score! LOL.

This is probably happening just in the nick of time too. The room we’re in has one of those super efficient toilets that would suck your a** off if you were sitting on it when you flushed. You barely have to touch the handle and it sounds like a jet taking off. Lately the passive aggressive BF has been under some strain since I told him this problem of not having a place to live wasn’t just my problem. One of the results has been he pushes the handle on the toilet so hard that it runs continuously, or no water and it won’t flush at all unless you take the lid off of the tank and jiggle the hardware inside. I mentioned to him that he was doing it again, (he went through this phase once already) so his answer to me was he didn’t flush at all. Of course we all know how it goes when I mentioned it to him. The look that says he could swear he flushed it, then the headdrop that says “I’m such an idiot”. He was also shocked to find out he leaves the seat up a lot more often than he thought. LOL.

One of the things I do to relax sometimes is crossword puzzles. You can’t really be thinking of any thing else but the words and the clues. I started doing them in the paper we get here. I got to do the first couple, and now the BF has become addicted. If we go somewhere and he hasn’t finished one, he takes it in the car. Normally that would be fine, except he’s supposed to be looking for “for Rent” signs and writing down phone numbers. He’s also supposed to be helping me read street signs when we’re going somewhere unfamiliar as it’s pretty hard for me to drive and watch his side of the street for signs at the same time. We were on our way to sign the lease for our new home when I finally told him I was going to start ripping the newspapers up. We had to be there by a certain time and I had inadvertently passed a street I should have turned on. He threw the paper up on the dashboard in a little tantrum. That’s when I informed him our being homeless was not just my problem.

All of this is typical passive aggressive behavior. They completely disconnect. When we first got together he informed me he made decisions at work all day, he didn’t want to make them at home. I could understand that, but I didn’t know it meant forever, any decisions, even the years he’s been out of work.
We all get into a relationship like a partnership. We have these dreams that the two of us are aligned, we’ll never be alone again, and we will build a life together. Some how a wire gets crossed when you’re with a passive aggressive and you find yourself alone even when you’re with someone.

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8 Responses

  1. I’m delighted to hear that you have found a new home and are getting settled. It’s good to be able to shift out of neutral and move forward. One amazing thing happened in my life quite literally out of the blue. My PA sent me a message via facebook that he wanted to go back to school. I had a sense that our relationship was improving and/or he was maturing when he wanted to shop for clothes. (He never was interested in appearance before). Now with the announcement he wants to return to school I feel he has matured. I don’t regard this as a false promise. He has never expressed any interest in any school anywhere. I stopping talking to him about education after his abyssmal first year of college. I don’t know exactly what has happened in his life to bring him to this point in time, but I am so thrilled that he came to this point on his own without my cajoling or nagging. I know that my change in parenting came from the knowledge I gained from your insights and I appreciate this. Good luck.

    • PA’s Mom- Hey! Sounds like you’re doing well. I’m so happy for you, too. Thanks for rooting for me in the background. I heard you all the way here. LOL.

      So glad to hear about your son. I can’t believe the progress you two have made just in the last several months. He really seems to be coming around. I wonder if he has a young lady that he’s interested in? A lot of times that will help straighten out a guy in a hurry. LOL. I know with my son, even tho I didn’t necessarily approve of the girl at the time, she probably saved his life. They aren’t together anymore, but he got enough of a taste of how better life could be that he stuck with it even after they broke up.

      Thank you once again for the kind words. My heart and prayers are with you both. I think it’s great he’s communicating with you on Facebook. You’ve “made it”. LOL. Keep in touch.

  2. How insightful of you to think about a girl in the picture. That was exactly correct. I didn’t include that piece of information. He is supposed to come for a visit this weekend, but I haven’t heard from him in about a week. I was happy with his news, but I am not betting the farm on the follow through. I am very much at peace that he may or may not do what he says, but I am just happy he is thinking about other options in life. I think he will get there sooner if I am not trying to fix things in his life (like I used to do) or being angry and lecturing him. On another interesting note, we had a new hire at my place of work and guess what — yep a classic passive aggressive. At every step of the way, this worker is just not on the same page as everyone else, drags their feet when asked to do something, manages to do such a bad job that someone else has to take over and just sits there with this blank “what did I do wrong look”. There is a high level of frustration with this worker, and a lot of confusion on why this person isn’t pulling their weight. While I have to deal with this person on some levels for the most part I am not saying anything because it isn’t my battle. But it is interesting to watch this all unfolding with my new awareness of the passive-aggressive personality.

    • Hi PA’s Mom- I hope your son made it for the weekend, but it sounds like you’re ok with it if he didn’t. Good for you. I’ve been doing much the same with my son on the not lecturing, etc. just trying to praise him and tell him how proud I am of the choices he’s been making for himself lately. Between the two of us (you and me) we’ll get them in shape yet. LOL.

      As far as the new PA employee, it’s amazing isn’t it once you know the “game”? There so much easier to spot. It doesn’t sound like this one is going to last too long tho. Usually they’re much more covert and it takes a little time to ferret them out.

      So glad to hear you sounding so good these days. I know things aren’t perfect, but every little step on the way up helps. LOL. Take care. Hope to hear from you again soon.

  3. I am so happy to hear you are back online. And I am very excited to hear that you have made the move into a house after so long in hotel rooms. A new chapter begins! Amazingly, my PA son made it home for the weekend. The girl turns out to be a friend from high school. But from what, I understand she is a very goal-oriented person. He talked about returning to college, realizing he has to undo some of the bad grades before moving ahead with his plans. I advised him the best I could about how to remedy the situation. He did tell me he wanted to change his situation in life. He doesn’t plan to live with the current roommates much longer. I’m there for support, but I do realize I can’t fix things for him. He will have to take those steps himself. He seems to be coming into some self-realization and a little more concern about his appearance. Although his style seems to be American Skateboarder, he at least has a style point of view. It is almost like he is going through a stage in life he should have gone through about 5 years ago. I just see a progression . I think the marijuana is still an issue, but I honestly feel if he accomplishes some of the goals he sets for himself, the drugs may have less importance for him. My other two sons were home as well and they enjoyed the time with him. He isn’t the Saturday afternoon football type like they are, but they still found common ground. Ultimately the letting go is what has seemed to bring him back around. I now have a friend who confided in me regarding her own marriage. It seems like her husband is a PA as well. The history is consistent with not living up to his potential, his parents pulling their hair out, and his stubborn refusal to support his family despite an incredibly brillant mind. His siblings are all over-achievers and he has taken this course in life, maybe to distinguish himself from the pack.I think I was able to give her some insights into why her attempts to engage him are so fruitless. He even sabotages his own health. I go back to work tomorrow and cannot wait to see what the newest developments are in the saga of the PA employee. She has been orienting with different employees and we have all been waiting for her to get with the one employee that we know will tell her like it is. I should get an earful tomorrow. Other than that, my college daughter came home this past weekend, and I’m so pleased she too has grown since her time away. My middle son finally found a job and will be moving out this week. And so for this first time in almost 33 years, I will truly be alone. I don’t know how it is going to be for me. I think if they all rotate through from weekend to weekend, I will be okay. But I don’t know, I will see. I will certainly keep you posted.

    • PA’s Mom- Oh My Gosh! Listen to you Woman! Good for you. I am so happy for you and really happy it was such a nice weekend with all the boys, and them getting along. Who would have thought that would happen just a short while ago, aye? It sounds like your youngest is finally coming to grips with what he doesn’t want for a lifetime. Isn’t that a great thing to watch? I know they can have slip-ups, but at least for a short time both your son and mine are getting a taste of what good things life could hold for them. Hopefully when they do slip, knowing what life could be like will be enough to bring them back around. I know what you mean about being around 5 yrs. late. I’m afraid the marijuana and God knows what else stunts them emotionally and it takes awhile to catch up.

      I was sorry to hear about your girlfriend and her husband. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’s lucky she has you to talk to since you really can understand what she’s going through. Hopefully she’ll find her way. At least you can give her some strength now that she also knows she’s not alone.

      Glad to hear your daughter is doing well. As far as your middle son, it’s terrific in this economy he’s found work and when he moves you probably will be a little lonesome at first. I have complete faith that you will handle it just fine once you realize the only person you have to take care of and pamper, and love, and all that good stuff, is you. LOL.

  4. Oh thank you so much. I wouldn’t have thought my youngest would have come as far in so short of a time either. I’ve learned I shouldn’t jump in and try and fix everything. I am sorry for our new employee. In this particular line of work there isn’t much patience or tolerance for someone who doesn’t jump in and try from the beginning. I am now beginning to believe our new hire may just not be qualified for the position, although, it does seem from the beginning this employee let other people pick up the slack. It is looking like this worker will be let go shortly. I am sorry for this particular situation, but there isn’t a lot of wiggle room. I’m glad your son seems to be coming around as well. That has to be a relief. I hope things are going better with your boyfriend. I think there is a fine line between a true disorder and personality traits. I am hopeful that for you and me both that the people we care about are able to overcome these tendencies.

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