I always thought depression was completely debilitating. When I was quite young, my mother had a couple of “breakdowns” and she would just lay in bed, staring out to space. I can remember standing beside her big queen sized bed, trying to talk to her and her never blinking, never doing anything that gave a sign she ever heard me or even knew I was there. My father would come in and usher me out saying my mom needed to rest. That’s what I thought depression was.
I never knew it could basically sneak up on you. I never realized you could be depressed without really knowing it. I was thinking I was feeling lazy or fatigued because I’ve gained so much weight, or not getting enough sleep. Of course these things are contributing factors, but these are symptoms. I cry at the drop of a hat lately. I thought I was just more sensitive or emotional in my old age. I’ve always been a sap for movies, cards or anything else that evoked emotion. It’s just gotten to be more often and less controllable is all.
Lately I have really been missing the loving interaction that usually takes place between a man and a woman who supposedly love each other. Being with a passive aggressive boyfriend I’ve been used to not having that, as anyone who has been in a relationship with a passive aggressive partner knows they withhold love and affection as a means of punishment and manipulation. For years I have been able to ignore it and not let it effect me much, but I’m afraid lately I’ve been losing the battle.
I hear a certain song on the radio and I can actually “feel” what it use to feel like to feel like the song says. Does that make sense? The song says “I can’t wait to get you home, watch your black dress hit the floor” and I start to feel the excitement of when you’re in love and can’t wait to be close to each other, skin touching skin. It makes me sad to think those days may be over, even though I know I’m partly responsible. When he started withholding sex and affection, I pulled back also. I wonder sometimes if he ever feels the same way. All I can think of as I write that is “Well he started it!” How childish is that. LOL.
The last 2 or 3 weeks when I go to church Sunday mornings, all I seem to do through the whole service is cry. It’s exhausting! It’s also very relieving. It’s like when I was young and would cry and my father would just hold me, comforting me, letting me feel loved and like everything would be okay. My father’s been passed on for years, so I can’t go there anymore. Until this started happening, I had no clue. I know I’ve been stressed because of the situation we’re in, but depressed? Me? Noooooo.
After falling apart at church today, I decided two things. One is that depression is probably a lot more common than we think it is. It actually is a “side effect” of living and loving someone who is passive aggressive. The second thing I decided is now that I know it’s there, I better get a handle on it so it doesn’t destroy me. For tonight, I’m going to allow myself to feel it, accept it, and then tomorrow I’ll get over it. I’ll share with you how tomorrow. For starters “things always look better in the morning”.
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, Depression, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse, self esteem | Tagged: coping with a passive aggressive, coping with passive aggressive behavior, Depression, hidden feelings, living with a passive aggressive, mental health, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, sanity, side effects of passive aggression, withholding sex |