Grown Up Children of Passive Aggressives

Too bad they don’t have a group like that where children of passive aggressives could go get help like they do for children of alcoholics. There is so much confusion about passive aggressive behavior because it is usually intertwined with some other personality disorder, that according to

It was listed as an Axis II personality disorder in the DSM-III-R, but was moved in the DSM-IV to Appendix B (“Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study”) because of controversy and the need for further research on how to also categorize the behaviors in a future edition.

Unfortunately there is no such place other than a therapists office or a rehab somewhere. Many children of passive aggressives don’t even know what’s him them. I tried to explain to my passive aggressive BF’s son about his father and explain to him why his father doesn’t call, etc. He drives himself crazy wondering why his father doesn’t love him and being afraid he’s becoming more like his father all the time. When I mentioned the passive aggressive thing, he didn’t want to hear it. He knows his father better than I do and that’s just the way his father is. In the meantime, the son is in rehab for not being able to get control of his drinking, and not one step closer to understanding the relationship he has with his Dad or how to handle it.

I’m pretty sure I’ve traced my own oldest daughter’s lack of self-esteem back to her step father when she was little. She was my daughter from a previous relationship. After her step father and I had 2 other kids together, when he would get mad at me, he would lock her out also. She would not understand what he was doing and feel like she had to act extra special good so he would love her too. It makes me cry to think back on it. While I would step in and stop it as I saw it happening by pointing it out to him, it didn’t take her hurt away from the damage already done.

And then there’s my youngest. He’s been in and out of trouble, in and out of alcohol and drugs, since he was about 14. I take responsibility for most of it, as I was not able to stay at home while he was growing up. He got jipped when it comes to attention in that department compared to the girls. He’s got a good heart, but definitely has passive aggressive tendencies. He’s always going to do it, he will in just a minute, he will as soon as there’s a commercial, he always forgets. Of course I chalk a lot of that up to age, but how much of it is going to carry on to the rest of his life? Or maybe he’s like that with me, but maybe not his girlfriend. Maybe it’s just self- defense against my nagging. Maybe.

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