Even though I have been with my passive aggressive BF for 10 years now, I still don’t quite understand why he does some of the things he does and I never stop researching the subject.
This morning while reading different things about personality disorders (which I understand they have “de-classified the passive aggressive personality as a personality disorder) I ran across a blog titled “Lovefraud“. In essence that is what happens when you fall for a passive aggressive. It’s a type of “love fraud”. You go through the dating period, you’re the best person they ever met, they shower you with love and affection, then once they have you, they turn it all off, and the real “them” comes out. I thought this was a very interesting label as it’s one I had not heard before, nor ever really thought of it that way.
The blog is written by Liane Leedman, MD and she tends to lump several personalities into one large group of “sociopaths”. I thought this too was an interesting view of things. While reading her post on “The Nature of The Abusive Personality” she explains her idea of 4 characteristics that interfere with us recognizing a sociopath and then 4 questions and answers to explain herself.
In my opinion, there are four other characteristics of men and women who perpetrate partner/family abuse that have interfered with our understanding that these abusers are psychopathic and are truly sociopaths. These are:
1. The degree to which they cling to those whom they abuse.
2. Their high level of anxiety and other negative emotions.
3. Lack of abuse of strangers and non-family members.
4. Lack of criminal arrest for other offenses.
I want to address each of these characteristics by asking then answering the related questions people have asked me over the years.
Question #1 Does the fact that my ______________ keeps calling and doesn’t want to lose me mean that deep down he/she really loves me?
Answer#1 NO! Although sociopaths are not capable of love they are very social and most often want to count themselves in as part of a family, extended family and friendship network. If they are alone how will they be able to do what they do best which is abuse and control people? Also if they are alone, how can they use people to get the other things they want. Especially as sociopaths get older and their ability to charm others declines they tend to want to stick with those they have taken advantage of in the past.
Question #2 My poor _________ is just depressed/anxious/angry about being mistreated and abused as a child. Won’t my love and reassurance help him/her get over it?
Answer #2 NO! If your______ has a long standing pattern of abusing you and/or other family members it means something very important so listen. It means he or she equates abuse with being in a relationship, just like you equate love and caring with being in a relationship. Since that is true, your love will only make the person more abusive.
Question#3 My ___________ only abuses me and no one else so it must be my fault. Right?
Answer #3 NO! Your __________ would abuse others if he/she thought he/she could get away with it and will abuse anyone else he/she feels close ties with. An intimate relationship brings out abusive behavior in people who have a borderline personality organization.
Question#4 My _____________ has never been arrested can he/she still be a sociopath?
Answer #4 YES! Antisocial behavior is behavior that hurts other people. When this hurtful behavior is perpetrated by someone who lacks empathy or remorse it reflects psychopathy/sociopathy.
Do these sound familiar to anyone else but me? Even though she is not speaking about passive aggressives directly, I have to say between my experience and those of others I have read, these seem very appropriate.
This article led me to a few books I hadn’t heard of because everything I had looked for had “passive aggressive” either in the title or the subtitle. One of the books that seems to have very good reviews and I thought was appropriate for us here is Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap
I hope you find it helpful.
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse, personality disorders, psychology | Tagged: abuse, behaviour problems, coping with a passive aggressive, dealing with passive aggressive peopl, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse |