Passive Aggressiveness, Alzheimer’s, or Stress?

We’re still in a motel these days. We’re sort of stuck in limbo right now. I’m in the process of having to foreclose on a mobilehome I sold on an installment contract because the guy quit paying his payments 3 months ago. He didn’t quit paying his payments because he can’t make them, he quit because 1) all of a sudden he doesn’t believe he should have to pay interest on the note I’m carrying 2) he doesn’t get it that part of the value he paid was for the location of the mobilehome, not the mobilehome itself. What’s funny about this is an appraisal was just done on all the homes in the park and his appraised for $190,000.00 vs. the $154,000.00 he’s paying me. You would think he would feel good about that. From a private appraiser, it would appraise for even more!

What this has done is made it just about impossible for us to move into somewhere more stable. If he ends up not paying what he owes and I get the mobile back, we will be moving in there. According to park rules I’m not allowed to rent it out, so that would be our only option, or let it sit empty and pay space rent on it. Moving back into the mobile would be great in the way that the rent is only $500 a month including utilities, etc. It would give us a chance to catch up on the things that have gone awry since being in this situation, and unload 3 storage units we’re paying every month for.

In the meantime, I’m starting to wonder about the BF. I know he’s passive aggressive, that’s a given. When all of this with the house and stuff began, I figured he wasn’t thinking too straight due to the stress. Now I’m starting to wonder if there’s something more wrong. It’s like there is absolutely no logic path to his thinking anymore. He’s only 61, but I guess Alzheimer’s or dementia can strike at any age. When you’re in an “out of the norm environment” it’s so hard to tell.

The other day my kids were coming up from Southern California. The passive aggressive BF and I laid out a plan where he was going to go to the store while I waited on the maid and the kids. Someone has to be here when the maid empties the trash, etc. because we have 2 cats with us and we don’t want them to get out. Immediately he started putting on his shoes to go to the store. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to the store. I asked him if we didn’t just go over the plan on when he was going to go. You would have thought I was from another planet, the blank stare he gave me as I spoke. I finally looked at him a little into the conversation and said to him “You really don’t remember the conversation we had about this, do you?”

“No” he said and looked at me like it was one of those conversations I had only in my head but not out loud.

I went over a little more of the conversation we had and then he remembered part of it, but not the rest. So, we went over the plan one more time. When it was time for him to actually go to the store, he just sat there reading the paper, and sat there, … and sat there.

I finally grabbed my car keys, told him I would go to the store, and he could entertain the kids when they came. He acted like I was insane. He says to me “Well you didn’t tell me to go.”

I mentioned we had already gone through the whole plan twice. Why would I have to tell him when to go? It’s like having a little kid. I just can’t seem to follow his line of thinking anymore (which has always been hard with a passive aggressive anyhow). So you tell me, was this just more passive aggressive behavior that I let get to me, or is he still so stressed that he’s not thinking straight, or is he losing it (Alzheimer’s)? I honestly don’t know, but it’s starting to worry me.

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4 Responses

  1. Depression will adversely affect memory and concentration. Depression normally follows stress as it is our mind’s way of softening or dulling the effects of traumatic or even mildly life-changing situations. Depression can be very hard on short term memory.

    • Dear PA’s Mom- Thanks for the insight. He’s been depressed for quite awhile (he lost his job a year ago). At first I thought this time might be different because he seemed rather encouraged at first, but he worked in a lumber yard and we all know how that’s slowed down since the housing crisis. I’m sure our situation has just added fuel to the fire. I think I’ve heard stress can cause forgetfulness also, so I guess he’s just probably got more than he can handle. Hopefully once we’re settled he can relax a little and feel a little more secure, he’ll not have that problem. He never has accepted change very well. Now his life is changing constantly. Thanks for talking with me. I’ll try not to be so hard on him. I think I just get frustrated sometimes (don’t we all? LOL).

  2. The passive aggressive BF and I laid out a plan where he was going to go to the store while I waited on the maid and the kids. Someone has to be here when the maid empties the trash, etc. because we have 2 cats with us and we don’t want them to get out. Immediately he started putting on his shoes to go to the store. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to the store. I asked him if we didn’t just go over the plan on when he was going to go.

    Maybe I have Alzheimer’s, but what you wrote certainly seems to indicate that he should go to the store while you wait. He apparently then tried to go to the store, and you got all “What are you doing?” on him.

    If I have the story straight, you are just purely aggressive, and he is being berated by you for nothing!

    • TFTeacher- Thanks for the comment. I guess what I didn’t explain is we talked about the plan, I was going to get a shower while he waited in case the maid came. Then when I got out of the shower and I could listen for the maid, he was going to go to the store. It seemed really easy at the time.

      I’m sorry you feel I am berating him. First of all, I am truly worried about his mental capacity. Second, thanks for pointing out my story was incomplete enough for you to draw that conclusion, and third, I probably am a bit aggressive. We could not survive if we were both as passive as he is.

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