The Dependant Passive Aggressive

If you’re in a passive aggressive relationship, then you probably are the one that takes care of the bills and every thing else to do with you and your family’s life. The basic role of the passive aggressive is to not take responsibility for anything if they can help it, not the bills, not the household chores, and certainly not you.

To be perfectly honest, my passive aggressive BF moved in with me, so I have always taken care of the bills regarding the house, etc. When he originally moved in, he gave me so much a month as his share of rent, utilities, etc. Then he was out of work for 2 or 3 years, and I noticed we had this kind of role reversal. He took on most of the cooking, shopping and cleaning the kitchen while I worked and handled the household expenses. When he went back to work, he just started handing over his full paycheck minus a weekly allowance.

Now he’s been out of work again for several months and I can see the old way slipping back in. I’ve always been pretty independent and taken care of things (1st born) but sometimes I can’t help but daydream a little about someone taking care of me. It would be nice to have someone share the burden of how to make ends meet, or even ask where the money’s going. I’m afraid I have allowed myself to become the answer to every passive aggressive’s dream.

He turns over the unemployment check minus his weekly allowance and as far as he’s concerned, he’s done his part. Never does he ask how I’m paying the bills, how it’s going with the house (we were in foreclosure) or anything else. If I want anything done around the house I have to ask for it specifically or he never sees it, like the grass in the front yard is looking like a jungle now. I heard him messing with the lawn mower yesterday and thought he was going to mow it. My bad. He was just fixing the loose wheel.

Sometimes I just want to scream “I have 3 kids. I don’t need another one. I need to feel safe and protected. It’s my turn.” If you live with a passive aggressive partner, you probably have guessed by now that feeling safe, loved and protected is just not in the cards for you. Yes, I understand about the women’s -libbers. Hell, I lived through the movement with NOW and Gloria Steinam. At that time, other than equal pay I could never understand why women were fighting to be treated equal. As far as I was concerned they were lowering their standards. I liked it up on a pedestal. In some ways the old “Me Tarzan, you Jane” wasn’t all that bad.


3 Responses

  1. OMG, Ithgt I was alone.Itoo live with a PA man.He will give me any amt of money,time, but will not give me love or attention. Now he is withholding sex but always has an excuse…I am losing my mind..I love him, but know I need to leave him alone..HELP!!!

    • Welcome Kia- No, My Dear, you are not alone. There are a few of us here. LOL.
      I’m afraid once they start withholding sex, it’s pretty tough to get it going again. You should know it can last a really long time, or every once in awhile you may get some “mercy” sex to keep you from nagging. When he runs out of excuses, the next thing is usually to complain you want it too much, so then it’s all your fault.

      You didn’t give much background on how you’ve tried to deal with this already, you can try talking to him and telling him how you feel about his lack of affection and intimacy, but the typical PA doesn’t like to discuss much and you may not get much out of him. You can also try to get him to go to counseling, but if he won’t go you may want to go your self to get some support.

      Be sure and check back in with us and let us know how you’re doing. There’s quite a discussion on the post about passive aggressives withholding sex if you care to join in.

  2. This is my life. For the first time a pa site has actually made me laugh about it. Not that it is fun to live – it’s tearing me apart.

    I am 30yrs living with a pa. For the 1st 7yrs I had no idea anything was wrong with him. Then he moved in with me + our child (by then 1yr old), and I pretty quick saw things were difficult. Thanks to my inexperience in relationships and issues with massive insecurity and neediness, I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault until he was diagnosed with pa by a shrink, some 10yrs later.

    I had no idea what this really was, just that our life was difficult and I was being worn down to the point I don’t know who I am any more. It wasn’t until the children were old enough to be pretty independant that I really started seeing the problems and cracks for what they were. So here I am, 30yrs down the line, neurotic, panic attacks, no idea of what I want from life or even what I enjoy anymore, living with a man who I love so much I can’t conceive of leaving him.

    We are trying to work on it, but have both made terrible choices over the yrs, and the accumulated pain from these is making things very hard. He does not like discussing this stuff and always manages to seem like he is attempting to talk, but really is sweeping it under the carpet and forgetting about it. I have never known anyone so good at forgetting as this man.

    Ah well, just blowing off steam, I suppose. So good to find a site that really gets it. It can be a lonely place. Strength to all of us!

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