Don’t you just want to ask them that sometimes? Of course most of the time they don’t know. Usually they don’t even know they are passive aggressive unless they really care and have noticed they seem to be very self sabotaging. (I do enjoy a visit from one lady here who is working on getting a handle on it as she knows she is) Most, if you could really get them to open up and talk with you about it, really don’t have a clue. That’s why you need to calmly(LOL) point it out when they are behaving in a passive aggressive manor.
I don’t tell my BF he’s being a passive aggressive butthead. I ask him “What is it about blah, blah, blah that bothers you?”
“What are you talking about? Blah, blah doesn’t bother me.”
“Then why do you get that look on your face as if you’re disgusted and you let out that sigh as if you’re being put out?”
“I didn’t do that”.
“Yes you did. I just wondered why?”
Usually that’s the end of the discussion, and sometimes the end of the behavior. He moves on to something else. Like I said, lately it’s the family dog. LOL.
The other thing I haven’t quite figured out an answer for except to mutter under my breath is when I ask him about doing something. He’s been off work for a few months now, but there hasn’t been much yard work or anything else done. The back yard grass had gotten so long the animals could completely hide in there and you couldn’t see them. When I finally mentioned it the answer was the same I’ve heard so many times “I was planning on getting to that tomorrow”.
No matter what I mention, he’s always just getting ready to do it, was going to do it, or is going to do it whenever. He never lets me know that he’s never even given it a thought.
Do you ever feel like their mother or father? I do at times. I have to admit it’s like role playing. I remind him of things that have to be done, he reacts like the kid that doesn’t want to get in trouble.
From the research I’ve done, they say if you want to make any headway with a passive aggressive spouse or partner, you have to make them feel safe to open up and express their feelings. I know myself there are times when the BF tells me he doesn’t say anything because I’ll get mad. He’s probably right, but over and above that, it leads them right back to their childhood when they were afraid of parental disapproval or abandonment if they expressed themselves.
While the behavior once you know what your looking for is pretty easy to spot, it’s really pretty complex. That’s probably why it’s so hard to fix. All those childhood years when we’re all developing and yet passive aggressives were not allowed to express a need for love, displeasure in anything, living with the anxiety of parental disapproval and abandonment. While it was common when you’re my age not to talk back, etc. we all dealt with it differently, and there were different degrees to how starved a child is for love, etc.
When a passive aggressive does things to us, whether understanding why they are doing it or not, it hurts. Understanding that they are passing on feelings to our relationships that they never got over with their parents doesn’t make it any easier. Your choices seem to me to be to either accept them for how they are, and if you truly feel like you love them so much you can’t get away, this alone will help a lot, or you leave. If you start looking at their behavior and expecting it to be what it is, but you accept them for the kind of people they are, while it is a little detached, it will save you a ton of heartache.
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, personality disorders, trust | Tagged: abuse, behaviour problems, breaking away from the passive aggressive, coping, coping with passive aggressive behavior, games passive aggressives play, living with a passive aggressive, mental health, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive personality, passive aggressive spouse |