There aren’t any, not really. That’s pretty blunt and harsh, but that’s the reality of the situation. I don’t know if being a woman makes this hard for me to understand, or not being a passive aggressive makes it hard, but either way I don’t get it.
An example: My passive aggressive BF has a young son that got married about 18 months ago. About 2 months ago he called and told his father he and his young bride were getting a divorce. This is probably the 3rd good split since they got married. At this time we don’t know if they have gone back together or if he’s still staying with his mother. The son usually only calls when he is desperate or needs something (typical kid), but my BF hasn’t tried to call and check on him at all. If that were my daughter I’d be checking on her all the time.
We wonder what’s wrong with us when they don’t seem to emotionally connect. It’s not us. It’s them. According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
Due to their lack of being able to trust, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs. They care for you the way they care for a favorite pair of slippers or an old easy-chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.The sad thing is, they can sweet talk you, know all the right things to say, to make you believe that you are loved and adored by a someone who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
If you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive, if forced to deal with the problems you’re having due to their behavior, they will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will almost never admit that they were wrong no matter how much evidence you show. They have their own version of reality and will work at making your view distorted. That is how they end up making us second guess ourselves. They arguments can actually seem more logical than what we believe ourselves to be the truth!
In many (I would say most) cases of a relationship, it’s not unusual for them to withhold sex as a weapon against us. Again according to Scott Wetzler, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man, “Abstinence is a common complaint from women involved with passive aggressive men”. He goes on to say “His sexual refusal, however, will usually be hidden under the guise of a transparent excuse: he’s sleepy, sick, preoccupied with work.”
At one time I figured the reason the BF wasn’t very aggressive toward me when it came to sex was because I was too heavy. I lost 50 lbs. He said I looked good, etc. but in the bedroom nothing changed. That was before I realized how passive aggressive the BF is and while most men are having sex with their partner in order to connect more deeply with her, the passive aggressive man withholds sex from his partner in order to keep himself safe and to show her who the boss is. Sex is a weapon to be used, not a way of connecting more emotionally.
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, personality disorders, trust | Tagged: mental health, passive aggressive and emotions, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive personality, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, sex and the passive aggressive, trust issues |