Updates:The Passive Aggressive and the Druggie

(Go all the way to the end of this post for some cool, free gifts)

I’m attending a seminar this weekend on the sales process. The trainer is excellent. I’ve attended one of his trainings before and thoroughly enjoyed him. It feels good to get out of the house and do something constructive and motivational. The passive aggressive BF is taking care of dinner, etc. while I’m gone all day (of which he does a wonderful job!) That is the one thing he is willing to do, since actually going out to get a job is not.

I told him about Target and Best Buy both hiring quite a few people for the holidays. In the usual passive aggressive nature, he says ok, but has not been out to apply at either. With Target you have to go into the store and apply on their network. I’m not sure about Best Buy. I told him about a job fair, which he conveniently forgot. I have mentioned the job rehab and opportunities on the Employment Development website for our state, of which he too could have taken the test my son was supposed to take, but of course nothing. I finally asked him the other day if, after his experience at Sears (which he could always go back there and probably get hired right away) he’s decided he doesn’t want to do retail like that. He said no, but when I asked why he hadn’t done anything then to apply for the Christmas season anywhere, I got the usual passive aggressive, hanging of the head, no answer.

My son was supposed to take a test to work for the government yesterday. His almost mother-in-law, who currently works for the DMV signed everybody in her house up, including him. I think that’s great! I’m on his butt every time I see him about going to work, even tho he is living in her house now. I tried to call him last nite when I got home to see how it went, but his phone went straight to voicemail (which sort of ticks me off since I just paid the bill so I would have some way of staying in communication with him. LOL)

Going straight to voicemail (and him not calling me back) means one of 3 things. Either he was on the phone when I called, or he was getting high and didn’t want to talk to me (he knows better), or he didn’t go take the test and doesn’t want to have to admit it to me yet. If he took the test and was an eligable candidate, I don’t know what they plan on doing about the drug testing, which I’m sure is mandatory. I think the girlfriend’s mother is kind of clueless as to what her daughter and my son are into. I’m still not sure what I should do about that, if anything. I know the odds are against them making it out of this together, but both have been doing a lot better and using a lot less since they’ve been seeing each other again. I’m not really sure I want to “rock that boat.”

Being an internet marketer, I get a lot of notifications of “stuff” going on on the internet. A lot of them are free giveaways where a lot of marketers come together, each supplying a free gift, hoping you’ll sign up for their stuff so they can add you to their mailing list. Usually this stuff is all stuff for growing your internet business. Recently I got invited to join a “Self Improvement Giveaway” which is all self improvement items. When you first go to the page, of course they’re hoping you will take them up on whatever they’re trying to sell you, but if you scroll to the bottom, there’s a place for you to sign up and enter for free. There are a lot of neat e-books, audios, etc. in there, so if you’d like to take a look, just click on the link below. Just remember, for any of the free stuff, you’re going to have to give your name and email address. Most require you click on the confirmation link you will get in an email they send you, but then you’re in. You can unsubscribe to any newsletters, etc. any time, so it’s not like you’re stuck, and some of them are actually pretty good. Enjoy =)

P.S.

I’m throwing one in for Dog Lovers also. Anytime you reach a sales page of any kind, if you’re not interested you can scroll usually to the bottom and get your free gift.
Self Improvement Giveaway 3                         closes 11/30/08

 
 For all you dog lovers out there       closes 11/12/08

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7 Responses

  1. I don’t know if this will embed. But, you’ve got to take this group as your own personal theme music:

  2. Damian- Thanks for stopping by. I actually followed the link and added them to my MySpace. LOL. The words to their music seem rather appropos. Maybe I’ll have to figure out away to add their music to my blog.

  3. Hi,

    I often read your blog. I’m a passive aggressive myself, hoping to recover. The strange thing about passive aggressiveness is that you can have it and have no idea you have it. Once I found out that the way I acted wasn’t normal, I was pretty appalled with myself.

    I don’t know about your husband, but for me the one thing that makes me dig my heels in more than anything it someone asking me to do something more than once, which I perceive as “nagging” or “controlling.” If I think that someone is trying to manage me, I will resist doing what they say, even if it’s good for me.

    I think that a lot of my passive aggressive behavior comes from childhood situations where I felt controlled and manipulated and had no way of objecting. So now, I can’t handle anything that seems even remotely controlling.

    The thing that works best for me to stop my behavior is 1) realize that I have it and that it’s not normal and 2) look at my past to understand why it happened.

    Have you considered going to Al-anon, codependents’ anonymous, or another 12 step meetings? I go to a 12 step group, since these are almost free, and they give you skills to manage your life day by day and understand the way you think. A lot of people in these groups are dealing with a friend or relative whose behavior is out of control, like your boyfriend’s seems to be.

    Another good book for the passive aggressive is “Overcoming Passive Aggressiveness.”

    I understand now that passive aggressiveness is a form of emotional abuse and “gaslighting” that is designed to let you avoid responsibility for your actions. It’s very punitive — we passive aggressives punish others for our own feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

    Good luck.

  4. Val- Thank you for stopping by and letting me know you read my blog. I think it’s terrific that you have faced the problem of being passive aggressive and are hitting it head on. I’m curious how you discovered that you were pa. I think that is the biggest step forward in stopping the behavior.

    My BF’s problem stems from his childhood experiences as well. His father was extremely domineering and probably would be turned in today for child abuse.

    I do understand what your saying about “nagging” and “controlling”. It’s funny, on this side of living with a passive aggressive, I get so mad because I feel like he turns me into a nag by his lack of responsiveness. It does have a tendency to turn into a vicious cycle. I have stopped it a few times by just coming out and asking him why he isn’t doing or doesn’t do something. Then I think he finally actually thinks about it vs. just reacting to my suggestion. Thank you for the insight there.

    I am getting ready to join Al-Anon or Nar-Anon because of my son’s addiction to drugs. It was suggested by brokenheartedmom.wordpress.com as a way she has dealt with her son’s addiction. It’s nice to know it will help in dealing with my passive aggressive boyfriend as well. There are a lot of days I could use all the help I can get.

    Good luck to you and please let me know you’re out there once in awhile. I’d love to know how you’re doing and I think you have the right idea about revisiting your past. Looking at it from an adult point of view and then being able to move on should help a lot.

  5. I found out I was passive aggressive because I was reading the book “Emotional Vampires” by Albert Bernstein and it has quizzes about various types of behavior. I was reading the book because of someone else’s behavior, but then I read the chapter about passive aggressiveness and I thought it might apply to me.

    I spent maybe 5 days in denial, but then I realized it was definitely true. Once I accepted it, I really didn’t want to be passive aggressive anymore. It is really self-defeating behavior, and pretty cowardly I think.

    I’d been to psychiatrists in the past and they never thought that anything was really wrong with me, other than mild depression. I have found that psychiatrists always take your side and tell you you’re OK. They only hear your side of the story, which I think is a problem.

    I used to think passive aggressiveness was just being normal and I never noticed it, but now I can spot it everywhere.

    I think Al-anon has a good chance of helping you with your boyfriend. I have heard that Al-anon can be useful for anyone living with a difficult, emotionally ill person, even if drugs or alcohol aren’t directly involved. I go to Emotions Anonymous.

    Passive aggressives are good at making the other person feel like they’re the problem, for instance “she’s a nag” rather than “I’m angry and won’t talk about it!” So, I think that it’s normal for you to feel like your boyfriend is driving you to nag. You are probably right about that.

    I think I got the book title wrong before. The book is “Overcoming Passive Aggression” by Tim Murphy. But, that’s for the passive aggressive person, not the family members. That “Emotional Vampires” book actually has information for people who live or work with passive aggressives. There might be other books, too, I don’t know.

  6. Val- Thanks for getting back to me.
    Isn’t it funny how when we’re ready to accept, certain things come into our lives? That’s pretty interesting that you were reading about someone else and was willing to accept about you, even if you were in denial at first. Don’t we all do that? I think so. I even wrote a post about it being “such a safe place to be”. LOL.

    Thank you for the encouragement about my “nagging”. I really do know what it is and try not to, but I feel sometimes that after a certain amount of time, if I don’t nag it won’t happen.

    It’s funny. I feel the same way you do about psychiatrists. I guess that’s why I’ve always preferred a psychologist. They always seem more practicle in their advice and how they look at things. You definitely, if they’re any good, don’t always hear what you want to.

    Thanks also for the more positive feedback on Al-Anon. I just started a new planning system, so I’ll start scheduling a meeting or two.

    The book about Emotional Vampires sounds pretty good, especially with quizzes, etc. I might find out a few things myself, since I know I’m no angel. I think most the books I have on my Amazon list on the left are for people dealing with a passive aggressive, but I don’t think I have any for people who want to break out. I’ll have to look into that. Maybe put this one one the list since you found it so helpful.

    You take care of yourself. Any time you want to talk, feel free to leave a note, or you can always email me. I’ll let you know how it goes when I hit my first meeting.

  7. P. S.
    I did have Overcoming Passive Aggression by Tim Murphy on my reading list. I’m glad you mentioned it. I thought there might people who are trying to overcome it vs. living with it that might find me because of the keywords. I was hoping to be of some help to both.
    Thanks again.

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